Armani Exchange Arnold
Anyone who thinks douchey Armani-Exchange t-shirts and Kissy Lips have been expunged from the HCwDB lexicon of signifiers needs to think again.
As Carley and Lynn learned the hard way.
Guy Too Old To Be At The Party Guy
PIC DELETED
Guy Too Old To Be At The Party Guy sure loves his beer.
And his six pound watch.
And his rapidly receding faux/mullet thing, that neither Rogaine nor Sy Sperling can save from a premature death spiral.
But Guy Too Old To Be At The Party Guy is just gonna hang back and let the kids dance while he chats up Leanna. With questions like:
“Yo, you on Facebook?”
and
“I just got the new Beck CD!”
Not gonna work, GTOTBATPG. Thirty five year old bartenders just don’t carry the cultural cache they once did. No, not even with a tribal tatt.
Four Prong and Company Voted
Last week’s HCwDB of the Week winner, legendary spoker, Four Prong, brought some serious A-List blonde Paid-to-Pose hotties, a quality brunette drink of hott water (who may or may not be K Sister #1), and some douchey middle aged Oldbag riff raff, and voted in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Week
It’s a Long-Island-Palooza of a weekly. Three very similar cuts of ‘Island hott/choad. The last Weekly before the Monthly, as the summer holidays fast approach.
Bring it, Vuvuzela style:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy
Dave works hard for the weekend.
Tammy likes to tan.
They don’t leave their small town that often.
Because Tammy’s gotta work the Tuesday shift at “The Clam Bake” by the shore, and Dave’s busy bussing tables at the nearby Applebees.
It’s a hard knock life. But they get by.
Except, every so often, when it’s time to party. And Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy get their hottin’ and douchin’ on.
But enough to win the Weekly? That leads us to:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Troy Khan’s Chest Reveal and Angie
Khannnn!!!
Yes, it’s true, Star Trek 2 references will never die. It is the Citizen Kane of the 80s. “Citizen Khan,” if you will. A masterpiece of an innovation of a genius wrapped in an earwig. May it live forever in cinema history.
Troy is just your average chest-shave revealing superpud.
He is to be mocked and derided by Spock and Derrida.
Yup. No idea what I’m saying anymore.
Angie is our second trashy Island humpty-hump, but underneath that curvy objectified exterior, there’s a sweet princess who just longs to be free.
And by princess, I mean large baby bagoombas.
Because I’m sensitive to the literature like that.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Lake Crotch Cactii
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Is Pink, Ruddy and Pumped Up enough to win an HCwDB of the Week? Jed and Barry, aka “Iceman” and “Goose,” sure think so.
This pic has spike, mandana, and, the markings of true HCwDB, Ubiquitous Red Cup. On the right, The Iceman certainly has a strange, creepy inflated ‘tude that is pure “douche aura.” And Michelle is quality lithe gnaw. She certainly brings the coquettish Kelly McGillis in an inverted dive with a MIG polaroid smile to the game.
But can The Crotch Cactii win simply on the basis of secondary information, like Iceman’s homerotic posing with his bros? Or The Iceman Finding Love on a boat?
Just missing the cut, Hurley Luncherson, who was just too happy to be a finalist (and Amzonian Reese Witherspoon just didn’t bring the hott), the tough guy prom hilarity of Omaha Goes Gangsta, the blazing hottness of Natalie’s Eyes, Dr. Jorge Mendoza for writing in with one of the douchiest emails of the year (see you at the 2010 Douches, Dr. Doza), and The Hebro, eliminated for being a pro-bag porn actor.
Them’s your three.
Only one coupling is wrong enough to earn the Monthly. Which is it?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Neither Hip Nor Hop
I just saw a hamster castrate himself with a pocket knife and a protractor.
Your Saturday Vinny
I sorta like Vinny. He’s got three quality gnawable ladies and yet looks relatively benign. But the hair is greasy and the shirt is silkscreeny.
What say you?
Should we hand out a nottadouche on this Saturday?
Friday Thoughts and Links
There’s a million stories in the naked city of Angels and devils.
Crooked cops like Buzz Meeks and Ed Exley are messing with the kids in the Ravine as they move in on Mickey Cohen’s traffic.
Bukowski wannabes hit the strip clubs and write stilted verse on cocktail napkins, while secretly hoping the job waiting tables at El Campadre will come through.
In-n-Out still only serves three items. But all three are delicious.
And your humble narrator sits on his veranda, feeds gnats to the venus flytrap, milks the alpacas, and gazes at the northern lights in wonder and appreciation for the gift of boobies. And of douche mock.
Here’s your links:
Archie Comics pulls out its long running HCwDB subtext and finally goes literal, in a bizarre tribute to The Jersey Shore.
2009 HCwDB Douchie Award winning Oldbag of the year, The Leatherbag, is still out there, still shirtless and creepy. Even on Halloween.
Speaking of gay, shirtless and creepy, The Three Bromingos dancing, drunk at 4am may be the funniest and gayest clip three ostensibly straight Jersey douchebags could make. Warning: No Hott counterbalance. Do not blame me for retinal scarring. Hilarious fistbumps occur at 1:23.
Denis Leary rants about douchebags with wool caps when it’s 90 degrees outside on last Friday’s Tonight Show. Sadly, the clip got taken down, but here’s June 6th’s wool cap wearing The Loft Pud comments thread (see Wedgie’s Brad Pitt reference and THEONETRUEDOUCHE and MC 900 Foot Douchebag on the wool cap when it’s hot out). Coincedence? Perhaps.
Continuing the DB1’s paranoid annoyance with so many comedians riffing in the HCwDB style, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will hand out the Douchebag of the Year Awards on Sunday on Spike. Look for HCwDB to introduce “Victory, The Insult Comic Alpaca” in a future post.
Note to Hollywood comedian types: HCwDB is not open source. Please try to remember that. If you wanna riff comedic in the HCwDB style, simply give my site credit. That’s all I ask.
Speaking of humor origins, via The Huffington Post, this brilliant sound test clip for Alfred Hitchcock’s “Blackmail,” in 1929 shows that Hitch invented the “that’s what she said” joke. “Stand this way, otherwise it will not come out right… as the girl said to the soldier” for the win.
Real punk is still alive in the form of one of the most legendary and underrated bands of all time, still touring today, The Dead Milkmen.
And, of course, their classic anthem, Punk Rock Girl. If you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin’ for the win.
Punk has always had humor, political satire and absurdist farce as the defining core of its performative anarchy. Never clothing or hair style. Understanding this concept is what separates the real from the bullshit.
Large Man goes to Club, takes hundreds of pictures with hot chicks, making exactly the same pose, becomes a douche through sheer dedication to craft.
Okay, it’s Friday. I know why you’re here. It’s not for my writing. It’s for Pear. And I’m feeling generous.
First up, the college life you didn’t experience: Peek-a-Pear!
Second, a flashback to 1980s blonde Christie Brinkley no-tatt hottness with Pear Supply.
And, finally, because I care, Posture Pear.
Feel the curves of a life well lived. Enjoy. Repose. And reflect. For the mock is complete for another week, and this is your reward.
Natalie's Eyes Could Fuse Carbon
Is Guess Jean-Jacket wearing, ear licking, pudwack, Todd, a douche? Perhaps.</p
But I post this pic for Leopard Print Natalie. Her sultry gaze warms the cockles of my hearth like a protonic nuclear electric nadsack Cambodian torture volt.
Natalie doesn’t like to use two syllable words and orders milkshakes for dinner, but I would find that adorable. I would gaze uponst her eyes, and then, later, after she has three wine coolers while listening to Rihanna, I’d awkwardly paw her bosom like a homeless man dumpster diving for pizza crust.
Natalie’s Eyes Could Fuse Carbon
Is Guess Jean-Jacket wearing, ear licking, pudwack, Todd, a douche? Perhaps.</p
But I post this pic for Leopard Print Natalie. Her sultry gaze warms the cockles of my hearth like a protonic nuclear electric nadsack Cambodian torture volt.
Natalie doesn’t like to use two syllable words and orders milkshakes for dinner, but I would find that adorable. I would gaze uponst her eyes, and then, later, after she has three wine coolers while listening to Rihanna, I’d awkwardly paw her bosom like a homeless man dumpster diving for pizza crust.
Iceman Finds Love
Pink, ruddy and pumped up Iceman, he of Tuesday’s The Lake Crotch Cactii finds love on a yacht.
Aww. I love a story with a happy ending, lots of ‘roids, and a skin condition.
