Friday Haiku
Crazed Party at Dave’s!
Blue Bandana Bros pound Schlitz,
Mack on Ralphie’s sisters.
Animal print girls:
Welcome to the monkey house.
Natty Ice in fridge.
— massengill
Front girl is guarding
her purse from the spiky pud
thieving her tampons.
— Bag Margera
Angelo wonders:
If he squeezes hard enough
Make one good person?
— saulgoode42
Like unwanted blast
Vuvuzela to ear drum
Our day is ruined
— Vin Douchal
Drunk choadwank in back
Assumes crucifixion pose
Who will oblige him?
— The Motley Douche
Axe booze and smokes
Eight guidos in stinky heat
Italy in shame
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
High school grad party
Die hards. Too bad lawn darts are
now made from plastic.
— Mr. Scrotato Head
The bros are paired off,
hair not the only “blowouts”
they’re gellin’ tonight.
— WheezerHCwDB
Thanks to DB1,
I count syllables in all
my Friday emails.
— Bagnonymous
Omaha Goes Gangsta
That’s right bitches!!
Don’t mess with the graduating Senior Class of Westerlake High!!
Off the I-92, take exit 23, go two stoplights and take a left at the Dairy Queen, then go past the Walmart and it’s on your right, next to the Sam’s Club.
They gangsta!!!
Happy Belated Bloomsday
June 16th was Bloomsday. I missed it yesterday. But, hells, why not, we’re celebrating it today.
So to honor the great James Joyce and his brilliant novel Ulysses, HCwDB style, we shall mock these douchebags and lust these hotts in an Irish brogue:
That’s no bag o’ shwag, me ladies!
Ye sure look lovely upon this tender mornin’!
Spin us a tale of love, would ya?
Of slender legs and giggles and puddin’ in the aft,
For those two boggers ain’t go not clackers, if ye know what I mean.
No lads should to look like such douchebags.
You fine lasses should be spinnin’ the poof juice and havin’ a laugh like.
Not spinning the top o’ schnozzlewoppers with them two skallywag topper thicko shitemonkeys!
That was for you, Mr. Joyce.
Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy
Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy don’t get to leave upstate New York for the big city very often, what with the restraining orders and all.
But when they do, they party sideways peace all up in this bitch.
Maria Who Got Fondled at Coney Island Thanks Us
Maria Who Got Fondled at Coney Island a few weeks ago on the site writes in to thank us:
—-
Hi,
Firstly, I would like to thank whoever posted this for giving me a fake name, finding there are still photos with me and this douche out there is very humiliating.
Also, I would like to apologise for anyone whom I may have offended by dating this unruly specimen. It took a restraining order & him finally being deported to get rid of him, but hes finally gone.
I would like to go on to say, WHERE were all of you when I needed to hear this wisdom and seek life guidance. As I was very mad at my parents (I was yet to outgrow teenage angst) I had noone to turn to for advice. This being said i should have known, he had mistake tattooed all over him…
For anyone who was worried about me and my family issues, I would like to let you all know my parents and I are back on track. & hopefully in the future I can stay away from anyone of the male sex who has fearless tattooed on their forehead.
Yours Sincerely,
Maria
(i have enclosed a photo, proving its me)
—————–
Just doing our part for the larger civic discourse, Maria, glad to be of service in helping your maturation process occur through the art of the mock.
Now go kick ten douches in the nads while singing “Ave Maria” as your penance.
EDIT: Maria responds with more info (and more hottie pics) in the comments thread.
Hurley Luncherson
Hurley’s just so happy to have Amazonian Reese Witherspoon second tier Pear in his presence, I almost don’t want to mock the guy.
Then I realize Hat Tilt + Tribal Garish Tatt = mocktime, “happy to be there” or not.
Breaking: Two People You've Never Heard of Broke Up
Because we here at HCwDB like to stay current with the always insightful pop culture blogs, some people you’ve never heard of broke up.
You know these two.
They once acted in something or other.
Or maybe they’re singers.
Or they were on that show about the thing with the thing.
And then they did that thing. With the thing. And it was entertaining. Or maybe it was ironic. But either way, it happened.
And then it was written about in In-Style Magazine in 2005. Or 2006.
I’m not really sure.
But then they dated that other person from that thing who was also famous for being in that event. And that’s why they’re famous.
And that’s why you should care that they broke up.
Breaking: Two People You’ve Never Heard of Broke Up
Because we here at HCwDB like to stay current with the always insightful pop culture blogs, some people you’ve never heard of broke up.
You know these two.
They once acted in something or other.
Or maybe they’re singers.
Or they were on that show about the thing with the thing.
And then they did that thing. With the thing. And it was entertaining. Or maybe it was ironic. But either way, it happened.
And then it was written about in In-Style Magazine in 2005. Or 2006.
I’m not really sure.
But then they dated that other person from that thing who was also famous for being in that event. And that’s why they’re famous.
And that’s why you should care that they broke up.
Ask DB1: Is Christiano Ronaldo a Douche?
JohnDouchePassos writes in:
—-
DB1,
The World Cup is underway, which means it’s time to ask the question: is Christiano Ronaldo — one of the world’s flashiest football (soccer) players — a douchebag?
— JohnDouchePassos
—-
Talented soccer player or not, Ronaldo is pure 100% Eurocrust.
The Lake Crotch Cactii Approve
Jed and Barry, otherwise known as “The Lake Crotch Cactii,” have brought their latest Burning Man Hottie pickups, Julie and Michelle, by to say they approve of Four Prong and the K Sisters winning the Weekly.
You know what would confirm uberdoucheyness for The Lake Crotch Cactii?
If they ditched any pretense of interest in the ladies, got their bros together, and went around wearing “Maverick,” “Goose” and “Iceman” Top Gun t-shirts.
No. Even they couldn’t possibly do that.
That’s too douchey to be accounted for.
D’oh.
