Dane Cook Goes From "Celebrity Douchebag" to Just "Douchebag"
I gotta admit it, back in 2008, I was all about mocking The Cookbag. We received reader mail on Mr. Cook-a-‘Bag, and by the time Cook finally responded to his “haters,” his short-lived movie career was just about over.
Now I just feel bad for the guy.
All those millions of friends on MySpace, and then pop culture goes all Twitter and Facebook. It’s like investing in Betamax.
Hey Dane, I hear Zach Galifianakis is hiring. He’s looking for a part-time chauffeur who isn’t funny.
What, too mean? Okay, Cook. You’re semi-forgiven because your career’s been so bumpy. Now go get that gig on “Celebrity Apprentice” that you’d be perfect for.
Dane Cook Goes From “Celebrity Douchebag” to Just “Douchebag”
I gotta admit it, back in 2008, I was all about mocking The Cookbag. We received reader mail on Mr. Cook-a-‘Bag, and by the time Cook finally responded to his “haters,” his short-lived movie career was just about over.
Now I just feel bad for the guy.
All those millions of friends on MySpace, and then pop culture goes all Twitter and Facebook. It’s like investing in Betamax.
Hey Dane, I hear Zach Galifianakis is hiring. He’s looking for a part-time chauffeur who isn’t funny.
What, too mean? Okay, Cook. You’re semi-forgiven because your career’s been so bumpy. Now go get that gig on “Celebrity Apprentice” that you’d be perfect for.
Klaaj Dresses Like a Douche, Is Still a Nice Guy at Heart
Klaaj, you come from a good family of Norwegian fishing stock.
There’s nothing wrong with never leaving your small European coastal town except for a brief alcoholic trip through Copenhagen when you’re 23.
Put down the tattoos and gel, and step away from Saskia and her besties.
They just want to sell you a time share in Trondheim.
The Downtown Loft Pud
Do not be fooled.
Somewhere between Hipsterbag and Rockerbag lies the Downtown Loft Pud.
Who actually lives upstate. In his mom’s garage. But, dammit, he’s going to rent that loft soon. When he gets that gig spinning for the McKinley High Junior Dance. Then it’ll all be gravy.
So why’d I really run this pic?
Amanda. I would triple vault through a rice patty field swamp wearing a mumu and a diamond crusted caftan in the hopes that I would startle the nearby oxen enough that they would drop a cowpie which would provide the nutrients to grow a series of white orchids six months later that you would end up ignoring while getting a mani/pedi with your besties in Reno.
Joey Porsche And Crew Remind Us What Douche Is
Some of you are complaining that that last pic, The Prince of Poosia, isn’t douchey enough to mock, nor hottie enough to appreciate.
So have some vintage 2007 HCwDB of the Year winner, Joey Porsche Crew.
To remind us what we fight against.
And to remember what happens when young women with much physical gifts to offer, in their prime, cohabit with greased up Long Island driftchoad.
The whole thing devolves into a scrum of rancid armpit grease.
The Prince of Poosia
It may not have been a great movie, but the performance by Jake Gellynhair was pretty impressive.
Kettlehead Revealed
2009’s never-quite-douchey enough-to-become-legend assclown, Kettlehead, has finally revealed his eyes for all the world to see.
And he’s Will Ferrell.
Boy, that was a letdown, K-Head.
Put the glasses back on and celebrate the singular eyebrow once again. Margie agrees, the mystery was way better than the reveal.
Unfinished Tatt Guy
UTG’s favorite classical composition is Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony.
UTG’s favorite videogame is “Half Life.”
When UTG commits to something, he promises to “give 50%.”
When UTG swears he won’t give up, he promises to “work at it 12/3.5.”
UTG signs all his postcards to friends and family by writing “Having a great time, wish.”
When someone sneezes, UTG says “God.”
Oh, Sandy. Your perfect lithe and taut stomach beckons my tongue to flickedy lick upon your ab muscles like a spastic oyster with lupus.
Or, put in a way that UTG would understand, “I would like to.”
Veg Armstrong's "Army of One"
Veg Armstrong wanted to come by and say that he approves of Lenny being mocked, and Pauline’s Germanic construction being approved, as our HCwDB of the Week.
Actually Veg Armstrong just wanted you to know that his douchey friend, “The Bradster,” is currently shtupping Miranda. Since Veg has no need for carnal relations, he takes pride in his friends’ accomplishments.
Veg Armstrong’s “Army of One”
Veg Armstrong wanted to come by and say that he approves of Lenny being mocked, and Pauline’s Germanic construction being approved, as our HCwDB of the Week.
Actually Veg Armstrong just wanted you to know that his douchey friend, “The Bradster,” is currently shtupping Miranda. Since Veg has no need for carnal relations, he takes pride in his friends’ accomplishments.
