HCwDB of the Week
With The Sharkbag and Renee our first Weekly winner of the next round, and with The Jizz Singer safely ensconced (hidden forever) in our Closet of Poo, our new round of finalists brings a wide variety of hottie/douchey select to the vote. No classic Jerz Guid here. Just poopie diaper.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina
Not since Old Bernie Schwartz used zipper jacket and tri-vag chin pubes to nearly win a Monthly has an Oldbag been this toxic. Lenny’s Groin Shave Reveal alone is enough to molt canines.
Interestingly, like Old Bernie Schwartz, Lenny’s Midlife Crisis involves a petite blonde suckle thigh, in this case, Paulina from Dusseldorf.
Paulina’s remote, humorless German father and manic depressive mother, Klaus and Uta, never gave her affection as a child.
As a result, she finds Lenny’s midlife need to tatt up and dress like a gladiator to be a punishment she deserves for being a bad girl.
Lenny just hopes his first wife and three kids don’t find out about his double life.
Detracting from Lenny’s chances is that, if you ignore the greased up crypto-gay gladiator lifestyle, he kinda looks like your 10th grade history teacher.
Another Oldbag with sag in the Weekly. But enough to win? Not if this coupling has anything to say about it.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Abe Foxman, Kathy, and The Guy Who Usually Works in the Kitchen But It’s His Day Off
There were a number of greasy clubwanks to be mocked from last week. But none brought a mink stole to the game.
For that innovation alone, along with McBain Goggles That Do Nothing, there was no stopping Abe Foxman and the Anti-Douchimation League from making it to the Weekly.
Like Paulina, Kathy is semi-confused European on holiday. I’m not sure the photo fully shows her off in the most flattering light, but I would bet most mamalians would gnaw on a frog leg if it meant a chance to sniff her swiffer during housekeeping chores in the convent back in Antwerp she joined after Foxman ruined her ability to love herself.
Yup. No idea what I’m saying.
There’s a fox on him.
‘Nuff said.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Showie Long and Lynn
From the Friday Haiku comes this skeezy Ed Hardy shorts wearing Lickbag and a tasty, if partially facially obscured hott marshmellow bod, Lynn.
But tapered sideburns, shaved chest and ridiculous tatted up arm sleeves are classic ‘Bag, and thus, Showie earns the Weekly.
As does Lynn, who doesn’t even need a face, proving I objectify slutty women.
I blame my environment.
But them’s your three.
It was tough but I eliminated some of the more skater-punkery of last week’s bags, including The Roadie Choadie, Mopey and the Blondians, and, toughest of all, Mitch: Gangsta of Connecticut. Also, honorable mention to Sinbag’s dancing boat hotts, who offer quite the peach gnaw.
Yeah, maybe I should go back and swap out Showie with Mitch, but it’s early. Maybe if there’s a write-in campaign, I’ll consider a revision. But for now, I need your vote. And I need some Honey Bunches of Oats for tasty morning sustenance.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Logan's Run: Ass on Fire
Didn’t really have a great HCwDB clip to run on this Sunday, so instead, enjoy this clip, from the sci-fi classic Logan’s Run, of a man running with his ass on fire.
Mmm… Jenny Agutter hottness.
Logan’s Run: Ass on Fire
Didn’t really have a great HCwDB clip to run on this Sunday, so instead, enjoy this clip, from the sci-fi classic Logan’s Run, of a man running with his ass on fire.
Mmm… Jenny Agutter hottness.
The Jizz Singer
Sometimes, the douche is so strong, no hot chick is possible to save the vortex of suckage. Not even when doing the cel phone bathroom mirror portrait.
The Jizz Singer is just that moment.
We, as a society, have failed.
Reader Mail: Hot Chicks, Really?
hellzbelles writes in on the HCwDB message board:
—-
I heard you on the Adam Carolla Podcast. I am a huge fan of his podcast and enjoyed the episode, leading me to check out your site.
A main point made on his show is that girls shouldn’t be falling for these douche bags and should be looking for smart, funny guys like you and Adam. As a female, I took a look at your “hot chicks” and they all appear to be skanky whores.
You are trying to save these “innocent” sluts from the d-bags they choose to be with? The fact that these are the type of chicks you want makes you a first class douche, am I right?
— Hellzbelles
—-
Interesting point, H.B. I need to come up with a site moniker that would be emblematic of this inherent contradiction between the intellectual and reptilian brain centers at work in the fundamental contradictions of the male psyche. A name that would acknowledge my own doucheyness and hypocrisy in criticizing the ‘bags while I desire their hot chicks.
Any suggestions? I’m thinking “Jimmy Kimmel.”
Friday Thoughts and Links
Today I ponder whether, in this, our second year of economic recession, the display of the uber-douchey choadscrote has taken on a desperate, out of time, affect within his spectacle.
When I began HCwDB in 2006, garish spectacle and narcissism by overspending preening tools chasing the ladies was part of a desperate end-of-days orgy of consumption that was prevalent in every corner of our society. But even worse, it was humorless, desperate and the result of the schizophrenia of mass media overstimulation.
Has our culture shifted? Has the shared illusion, the indulgences of our culture of selfishness and consumption in the 00s finally been broken by the harsh realities of check-out time and a bill from the concierge?
I’m not sure. But the douches are still everywhere I look. And the hotties have still not learned to make wiser humpty hump choice. So we carry onward until dawn.
With some tasty Hostess Apple Pies for your hungry narrator. And a sip or three of the Night Train. In an Ubiquitous Red Cup, natch.
Here’s your links:
An example of ‘bag culture today, an eagle-eyed reader snags a Kohl’s Ad featuring Ab Reveal.
If you missed the embedded link above, here it is again, as it must be seen to be believed, and then mocked: HCwDB legendary pud and late night parking lot frolicker, Bobby Batz finally finds a few hot chicks and creates Douchepocalypse: The Movie. (Beware “Crazy Glowstick Hottie.” For her maintenance is high.)
Philips NorelCo targets the growing Groin Shave Reveal market.
Confused language scholars debate the meaning of “I peed in a horse once.”
HCwDB of the Week non-winner The Star Blazer wears zebra pants.
Old Bag, look at your life… your head’s a lot like Skeletor…
Reason to believe in Vishnu and Ganesh #541: Librarian Hotts.
Jennifer Love Hewitt embraces the Ass Pear.
Best show on Broadway right now: Next to Normal. See it. (on a related note: American Idiot was ass)
Some days I enjoy tasty Hostess Twinkies for breakfast. Other days, a microwaved Pop Tart. And other days, I simply gaze into the existential abyss.
And what stares back at me?
and
And Jesus wept salty fuccen tears for all that ass pear he never got to fondle. Go forth. Go forth and spread the gospel of HCwDB. Because that’s what your great grandparents at Ellis Island envisioned when their name was misspelled by a drunk and surly Irishman with a badge.
HCwDB Welcomes Our 800th Official 'Bag Hunter: "UrAlleternals"
I’d just like to take a moment and welcome “UrAlleternals,” our 800th member to register a profile here on HCwDB since the relaunch began in April.
If you haven’t already, why not become an official ‘bag hunter in either the threads or the forums by registering on the site?
Register a name and profile here. Alls you need is an email account.
And while I’m a’pimpin’, if you’re so inclined, follow my drunk ass on Twitter.
And if ya wanna add HCwDB to any of your feeds, like “My Yahoo” or whatnot, sign up for the HCwDB feeds.
And be feed, I mean HoHos.
HCwDB Welcomes Our 800th Official ‘Bag Hunter: “UrAlleternals”
I’d just like to take a moment and welcome “UrAlleternals,” our 800th member to register a profile here on HCwDB since the relaunch began in April.
If you haven’t already, why not become an official ‘bag hunter in either the threads or the forums by registering on the site?
Register a name and profile here. Alls you need is an email account.
And while I’m a’pimpin’, if you’re so inclined, follow my drunk ass on Twitter.
And if ya wanna add HCwDB to any of your feeds, like “My Yahoo” or whatnot, sign up for the HCwDB feeds.
And be feed, I mean HoHos.
Mopey's Neck
Don’t look now, but Shia LaBouf just decoded Mopey’s neck to determine where Optimus Prime hid Michael Bay’s harem.
That’s right, bitches.
Transformers references.
Because it’s early. And references to Slavoj Žižek’s nearly opaque use of Lacan to position the garish neck tatt as an ahistorical signifying phantasm of societal trauma, yet neither fully linguistic nor semiotic, just ain’t flowin’. Thankfully Ass Pear is on the way.
Or, as Jacques Derrida once noted, “Ass Pear is neither ass, nor pear, but something fully real at the moment its différance renders it incapable of grasping in the here and now, and only on the butty butt.”
Mopey’s Neck
Don’t look now, but Shia LaBouf just decoded Mopey’s neck to determine where Optimus Prime hid Michael Bay’s harem.
That’s right, bitches.
Transformers references.
Because it’s early. And references to Slavoj Žižek’s nearly opaque use of Lacan to position the garish neck tatt as an ahistorical signifying phantasm of societal trauma, yet neither fully linguistic nor semiotic, just ain’t flowin’. Thankfully Ass Pear is on the way.
Or, as Jacques Derrida once noted, “Ass Pear is neither ass, nor pear, but something fully real at the moment its différance renders it incapable of grasping in the here and now, and only on the butty butt.”
