Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Lords of the Fries

For Üter, Gunter, Moritz and Ülrick, the night The Dusseldorf Fraülein Club left its alleyway door unlocked would be a day the Fries wouldn’t soon forget.

Mr. Unclean Loves The Pear

Once, when I was a kid of about twelve or thirteen, living with my parents in Boston, it was a particularly hot summer.

One day, in between summer camp and the beginning of eighth grade, a giant waterbug that looked like a Pumpy Cockroach flew into my bedroom window.

It landed on my one prized “adult” possession of the time that my mom had let me keep: my poster of Carol Alt.

The pumpy cockroach went “Bzzzz.”

And then, strangely in its falsetto Vincent Price insect voice, it said, “I love the assss pearrrrr.”

Then it buzzed back out of my window and into the night.

Danny Mandana Has a Thought

It involves Danny’s love for Bud Light Lime and vague confusion about why he feels funny when he watches “300” on dvd.

Jennifer thinks ironic douchery is amusing. Jennifer has life lessons to learn.

Sometimes Shane’s Just Gotta Choke a Bitch

There’s two ways Shane knows how to tell Maria he kinda sorta likes her. Or at least, wants to bang her when he’s not too hung over.

1. Choke her sorry ass

2. Write “Olive Garden” in script above his belly button

3. Go shirtless at all times

Don’t tell Shane that that was actually three ways, and not two. Shane was never good at no math.

Mutty

Like an abused chihuahua, Mutty may not have the power of speech. Or even the use of opposable thumbs.

But he’ll follow Maryanne around in the club while whining until she lets him hump her leg.

Dick’s Sporting Goods Is Having a Sale on Toolbags

Ah, Suburbia.

How your youthful couples find amusement and distraction in the form of stupid watch and hair gel.

Or, as the great poet J.C. Mellencamp once wrote, “Suckin’ on chili dogs. Outside the Tastee Freez.” Heed the words of early 80s singer/songwriters, Suburbia. For changes come around real soon and produce Justin Bieber.

General LickArthur

Nice job storming the beaches of Mandy, there, General LickArthur.

Your army camouflage will serve you well if the assistant manager to the assistant manager gets pissed that the fries aren’t salted and comes looking for you.

Asswipes in Affliction Shirts With White Belts

Still out there.

Still forcing women to pose in pseudo-erotic positions in public places to deal with the massive insecurity of a fractured and insecure psyche of a semi-working peen.

Cheech and Shlong

They just don’t make hippies like they used to.

I blame Phish.

Flirting with Champagne Katie

HCwDB of the Week Hott winner Champagne Katie’s threats to prosecute this site resulted in a number of ‘bag hunters seeking her out to reason with her.

Reader Kennedy writes in asking if, while acting as an emirate for the site, hitting on the hott is also okay:

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Subject: Please don’t hate me for lovin on Champagne Katie

But mainly hope you’ll give me a nottadouche hall pass and let me go in peace to sin some more.
——

The Douchadox is a powerful force, one in which ‘bag hunter is both attracted to, and repelled by, the Bleeth. Struggle with it, you must, Grasshopper. The decision must be made by you and you alone.

On a related note, reader Oliver Wendell Douche, a real lawyer in Austin, Texas, has agreed to represent HCwDB, pro bono, in the case of “Champagne Katie V. HCwDB. Here is OWD’s official letter of response.