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Wednesday, July 20, 2011
BroDog Hits Vegas!
Lookout, $1 Video Poker Machine in the outer area of the first floor of the Luxor between 8:30 and 10:52pm tonight !!!
The one with the cigarette stains that’s kinda near the bar no one goes to but in front of the giant picture of Penn and Teller, yeah you, Video Poker Machine!!
Get ready!!!
It’s gon’ be off the chain!!!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011Ask DB1: Are Sleeve Tatts Autobag?
Reader American Bagger objects to the generalization:
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Dear Sir,
i’ve written in before and i will undoubtedly start this letter the same way i did my last. that is by saying first and foremost – bravo, sir. bravo. you continue to constantly mock the douche and worship the hotties to the utmost of any of our abilities to do so and for that i do applaud you.
but i’m writing in reference to the picture ‘smug night’. while no doubt a douchebag, i think you totally missed the boat on why he is such a specimen.
while you list “stupid tatt sleeves” and the “hitler chin fung” as his douchal attributes, i can’t help but stare at the bendless brim of his ‘serpentine’ hat and his terrible blue blocker sunglasses.
while i’m not disagreeing with you on the fact that he is a douche to the utmost, i am disagreeing with you on as to why.
no doubt the chin fung is terrible, but this is where my bone is gonna be picked in the form of a question. why to you are all tattoos auto-douche? you even posted my letter last time and told me yourself that all tattoos are not autodouche. so why is smug’s tattoo such an exception to your own rule?
people like myself with one sleeve and one on the way and not a douchebag in any way, shape or form whatsoever kind of take offense to “stupid tatt sleeves” comment.
if you yourself said that all tattoos are not autodouche, please just remember that next time. and you know you’ve seen way many more douchey tattoos than that. his is just a nice japanese 3/4 sleeve. no stars, no stupid sayings or script writing like his douchey hat.
so please, pretty please, lay off the tattoos. some are actually pretty cool.
thanks and i will continue to be a loyal reader either way. and you know this, man.
American Bagger
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Fair enough, but I have two words regarding the Sleeve Tatt’s fight for legitimacy: John and Mayerbag.
Now I’m not saying sleeve tats can’t walk the stereotype back. But when the Mayerbag is championing the ways of the sleeve tatt, the result is problematic. That being said, douchetattery is found in the obnoxious display of tatts, not inherently in the tatts themselves.
Unless said tatts involve Chinese or Mayan symbols. They be = autodouche.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011Where’s Waldouche?: Captain Peen Edition
Somewhere in this rather stilted pic of Captain Peen McSpeedo and Awkward Hardbody Harriet, I’ve carefully hidden a grassy knoll Oswaldian Waldouche.
Look closely.
No, he’s not the dude waving. Look closer.
Can you avoid the Speedo Peen long enough to locate him?
And say what you will about Captain Peen McSpeedo, but his hammock can pull some curvy-ass albeit surgically enhanced Beach Bunnies demonstrating Female Groin Shave Reveal.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011The Broctopus Strikes!
Observe the Broctopus in its native habitat — Overpriced Airport Bar #423.
The Broctopus knows that impressing Melinda with its six pack abs can take place at any moment. If the PH balance is right, and you lower the Axe Bodyspray ratio to a suboptimal 1.5 parts per quanta.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011Julie Dumps Cookie Monster Guy
Reader and butt chomping hottie hott Julie writes in with a self-tagged HCwDB submission:
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Subject: me and a pasty ginger
oh the power of the douche bag. he actually convinced me to date him for a short period of time til i realized i could do WAY better.
– Julie
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I’d like to judge you for this one Julie, but, like Garth before me, I’ve always had a creepy fixation on Bugs Bunny in a dress. So I’m not really one to judge here.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011Superpud
Ya know, I’d almost have given Clark a nottadouche if not for the chin dribble Hitler pubes.
C’mon, people. Think of the Holocaust. Hitler Chin Pubes are no way to honor the memory of the Shoah.
Maureen is real world unconventional cute. Not your standard bottle blonde or pert nosed KellyAshley. More like the sneaky sexy girl from the Girl’s Senior Cabin that you didn’t notice at first that final year you were at Camp Wakateera when you were 15, but then at Bonfire Night you made out with her after S’mores and felt hot and sweaty for a week.
That kinda sneaky hot.
We must appreciate real world hotts like Maureen. They’re the ones who stayed by the side of the protagonist in 80s teen comedies after the protagonist banged the cheerleader, then realized she was shallow and boring.
Monday, July 18, 2011Spider Tool
Suburban white people of the world, hark!
It is 2011.
No amount of spider tattoos will ever change the fact of your genetic limitations.
I don’t care if Captain Stuping’s Slutty Daughter and Ginger from the latest adult smash, “Gilligan’s Thighland,” happen to cohabitate in your Vegasian presence for a parsec or two.
You’re still six months away from an assistant office manager interview in Waterbury, Connecticut.
Don’t blame yourself. Pierre Bourdieu has explained to us the broad and complex post-structural cultural determinants that, no matter how hard you fight, will ultimately inform your constructions of self. No amount of douche Spider Tatts will change that determination, Kevin. Now go get me a chicken pot pie.
Monday, July 18, 2011Loafhead Is Sad
Do not be fooled by Loafhead’s “Hang Loose” hand gesture.
Nor the strange decision by Perky Pauline to lick his cheek in search of goiter-curing citrus after a long period away at sea.
Loafhead is sad.
For the Penny Saver no longer runs deals on mobile outhouses.
Yup. No idea what I’m saying. It’s a lunchtime sugar rush for the DB1 and I’m ridin’ that processed Hostess Cupcake high all the way to Twinkie Town.
Wait. That sounds vaguely gay.
But not as gay as Loafhead’s circa 1982 Jennifer Beals haphazardly torn moob shirt.
Monday, July 18, 2011HCwDB of the Week: Silverlake Todd and Young Mom Carol
Last week was a surprisingly strong week for fans of the uberhotts. From the perfect angelic slutty innocence of Old Man Moe’s Perfect Suckle Chomp Salina to Headwound Harry’s Lithe Monica Triplets. From Barely Legal Kelly to Collegiate Vegas Tourist Hotts being stalked by tattpud.
We learned about Moob Shirts and Canadian Wedding ‘Bags.
Then there was the strange case of Prickles the Clown and Crystal’s Meth.
But in the end, this site is about highlighting those truly toxic derivations of hottie/douchey cohabit, and Silverlake Todd with his patented Silverlake Stubble ™ is classic indie coffee drinker douche.
And, as we’ve learned, the truest of true hottie/douchey dialectic is formed when the suckle pooch of feminine coitus spank offers a distinctive lack of cohesive humanity by her choice of male partner. Silverlake Todd and Young Mom Carol are just such a cohabit.
Maybe a bit of a long shot to win the Monthly, but they’re our HCwDB of the Week and I’mma stickin’ to it.
Sunday, July 17, 2011Hamsters with Douchebags
Because sometimes we all gotta get freaky with a hamster.
