Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Pear Conundrum

iPhone Bathroom Pics = Autodouche

Quality Suckle Gnaw Spankle Pooch Pear = Auto Holy

This paradox in logic, in which a ‘Bag hunter faces both the draw of the spankle pooch and the intellectual cognition of probable Bleeth is what we call The Douchadox.

We sin.

Because we are mortal.

Oldbag “Sir Ivan” Approves of the HCwDB of the Week

Oldbag “Sir Ivan,” seen yesterday in the noxious spray of white man entitlement that was our Sunday Movie of the Week, wanted to stop by with a couple of barely legals and say something:

Sir Ivan: “I’m the product of centuries of wars, plundering of the natural world, ethnic hierarchy and structural patriarchy that privileged Western white men to build vast fortunes, pass it on to their children, and then have their children’s children’s children lecture the rest of the world about hard work and libertarian by-your-bootstraps individualism. Now I will bang hot chicks I seduced with daddy’s money while I pretend it’s because of my merits as an individual.”

HCwDB of the Week: The Chernobros and Cathy

Gearing back up as your humble narrator digs out of the silliness of hurricanage and NYC and traverses back to the city of Angels for more pitchage and catchage of the Hollywood balls variety. Wait, that sounded vaguely gay. But not as gay as the Chernobros.

No slice of classic ‘bag sandwich formation has been this moldy and rank on the site in months.

Tri-facial pubery. Moob shirts. Crushing a hottie filling.

For example, take this Twinkie.

Imagine the golden spongecake was greased up assclownery. And then imagine that creamy filling was burnt umber Jerzette hott foolery.

Now picture that Twinkie existing as HCwDB.

That’s a big Twinkie.

A buncha other pics were in consideration as it was a pretty toxic week last week. The Search and Destoyer Pud from the Friday Haiku was Vegas crust, There was 2-Cap and Courtney, Mashmouth and Margarita, and fist pumping Billy Von Buren.

There was Happy Mitch In Over His Head, The “Challo!” Guy and The Holy Breasteses of Avalon.

Lotta potential 2011 Douchie noms in that mix. And by noms, I mean Holy Breasteses.

But this was classic ‘bag sandwich time to elevate (sink) to the Monthly. Chalk ’em, Dano, and the DB1 for NYC bagels.

More Oldbag Karaoke

Oldbags.

Like douchebags.

Only older. And livin’ the dream. By devaluing historical counterculture movements.

Maybe hurricanes are a good thing.

Comment of the Week: Hermit

As the DB1 battens down the hatches in preparation for something or other in NYC, the always creative ‘bag slaying linguistic thespian Hermit wins the coveted Comment of the Week for summing up the absurdities of life in the face of nature with this elegiac riff:

——
DB1 has bought-out all the Ho-Ho’s, Mr’ Pibb and fortified wine for twelve blocks in each direction as he prepares for an extended power outage and the subsequent rioting and apocalyptic sex romps which are certain to take place in the squalid gutters and debris-strewn alleyways of The Big Apple.
.
Back here in mid-west Amërïkä it’s summertime and the living ain’t easy. We struggle through the sweltering heat to preserve our tomatoes and other semi-rotted vegetables over electric ranges and the overheated engines of abandoned Buick’s.
.
The squatters and homeless families which have begun to inhabit the forclosed houses are the twenty-first century’s New Pioneers, blazing trails with the desparate conflagrations of a thousand meth pipes.
.
I prefer to do my food-processing naked, with my moderate, secular-sized cock bouncing along the counter top like a happy tuna at a minstrel show.
——

Friday Thoughts and Links

As the odd lumpy shapes that make up the partying collective in the age of economic collapse whir by me, I can only think of Malomars.

Your humble narrator is in NYC. A hurricane bears down.

It’s late August, and the NYC hotties wear short-shorts and off the shoulder cotton fluffy things. I want to fondle. But society has rules about those sorts of things.

So I sublimate with a slice of pizza.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Now I’m gonna show you what I already know. “

And here’s an absolutely brilliant analysis of this great film’s use of clothing thematics and explanation of the end sequence. Worth watching in its entirety. The fact this film is being “remade” this year is a travesty.

Great moments in comedy: George Carlin deplanes. Following the template of the great Lenny Bruce.

More great moments in comedy:

Jack Black for Pitfall!

More retroactive reconfigurations of media you remember from years ago that now star familiar faces, here’s 14 year old Kevin Youkilis, now a baseball player for the Red Sox, making his acting debut in “Milk Money.” Kinda random but whatevs.

When life gets you down, don’t get upset. Just punch a camel.

After the apocalypse… Dennis Rodman is… The Pimp Warrior.

Douchebags in Truck bother Hot Chick. Rude, but funny.

But you are not here to watch hicks bother rural hotts. You are here for pear. Today is a double celebupear edition:

J-Lo Pear.

Umbrella Pear.

Impressive. Most impressive. But they are not Hall of Pear yet.

Some Mid 1990s Benetton Ad Took a Poo

The United Colors of Overpriced Appletinis.

Props to the subtle finger flick, Zac. Now step away from Penelope before I set your Coldplay MP3s on fire. Her boobs do not deserve the stains of your SoulGlo hair.

Friday Haiku

To “Search and Destroy”:
That is his endless mission
Against pubic crabs.

Frank’s like a housecat:
So proud of what he dragged in
Yet to us it’s gross

— saulgoode42

Elvis and Bono
Which one’s style to emulate?
Fuck it I’ll do both.

— Douche Wayne

Task: Search and destroy,
Bolts pointing down at his junk,
No douchey offspring

— Condouchious

cindy and kelly
ruined noses too much blow
don’t notice poo stench

— Douche Springsteen

“2-Cap” Hits on Courtney

“2-Cap,” known to his bros at Nassau Community College as either “Mike” or “Couchsitting Mike,” blew a year’s pay for that trip to Vegas last Fall.

But for the chance to hit on curvy, perky, five feet of gigglefest Courtney, to buy her 14 dollar oyster shooters in the pool bar, and get a brief boob fondle when she got out of the pool to go pee, before heading back to the room to drop another 29.95 on Spectravision’s feature presentation “This is Not ‘Gandhi:’ XXX,” the 426 hours slinging beers at Yankee Stadium was worth it.

White Bob Marley Fan is Tall

Okay, he’s probably not a major league yabo.

But I’m in a hottie taut stomach fixation looch spackle phase. So humor me.

And while you’re humoring me, see if you can figure out that banner behind them. “Fill Your Gnawing Dread at Comprehending Mortality in a Limitless Universe By Staring at a Hottie’s Stomach Looch Spackle Here” is my first guess.

And yeah, that last pic was just a little too “error” filled to keep up on the site.