Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Magilla Scrotilla Hits on Sophie

Unghhhhhhaaaaa Unnghhhhhaaaaaaa…. fweeeeeee!!!!!

(flings poo)

Poppa Squatter Lives! Is Still Orange

Recent HCwDB horrorshow and immediate Closet of Poo inductee, Poppa Squatter, wanted to stop by and let you know that his uberorange squatpuddery is still out there.

Still displaying extreme Gator-like toxic package (warning: This link should not be viewed on a full stomach as it can cause nausea, testicular retraction, eye bleeding, deep existential rage at the G-d that never was, and immediate castration and/or neutering of all nearby pets and wildlife)

Probably shouldn’t have included that last link. Just too cruel for a Monday.

EDIT: Okay, you’ve earned it. Here’s your makeup Pear: Greco-Roman Pear.

Deltoids For Jesus Guy

Deltoids For Jesus guy approves of the HCwDB of the Month.

Deltoids For Jesus Guy also wants you to know that Jesus died for your upper body workout. But, most importantly, that Jesus was the bomb at dice.

Laura wears the ancient crest of her forefathers from the Scottish Highlands when going clubbing, to honor the spirit of ancients long past. And because it’s, like, totally off the chain, wooo.

HCwDB of the Week: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate

I must’ve been tipsy on rice wine last week not to realize that Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate were the same hottie/douchey poolaggery combo that appeared on Friday as Spencer and Sexy Lacey.

So even with a two week back catalogue of hottie/douchey pukosity to wade through, this was an easy HCwDB of the Week.

No ‘bag/hotts came close to this level of innovative douchal development (Jesus Bling tatt) and lithe pool suckle hot poochle in Kate’s taut, albeit a tad too skinny body.

And there were some notable ones. The two that nearly took the price: Dances with Crabs, Stands with Cosmo and Scratches with Itch, and Muttonchop Max and Megan. Both brought itchy wrongness to the game.

And lets not forget the pewey poolbaggery of Shrinky Dink and Karen.

Also notable over the past two weeks, the return appearances from HCwDB legends like Brazilian Emo Hulk, old friend Big Red, Unfinished Tatt Guy and Gorgeous Sandy, Prickles the Clown, The Starry Blight and Hello Kitty Hott and The Greasepitz.

Nor shall we forget Perfect Sucklechomp Amanda. Whose leg I hump pensively in the abstract and with full due respect.

But who are we kiddin’?

For sheer classic ‘bag pukeshoescrape and tasty if slightly underfed hottitude, Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Vegas Kate were not to be denied.

Slot ’em for the next Monthly. And slot me for a microwavable breakfast burrito. Cuz I’m healthy like that.

Old White Guys Live the Life

Recession? What recession?

Comment of the Week: Karen’s Mom

Karen’s Mom, the mother of pissed off hottie Karen from Jeffy Notabag Wins at the Game of Life, has a message for all the hatters who hang out around here:

——
You really are all a bunch of poor pathetic losers who the good one got away from, and your panties are still in a bunch! Get over yourself and your high *fake cough morals because you have none! If you did you wouldn’t even know of this site much less comment. There is a reason you all keep your names hidden! I’m guessing when people talk back to you your use to hearing some of the same language?! Gee I wonder why!? Grow a pair and never check this site again and maybe start earning some respect. Maybe!
—-

Remember kids, even not checking this site again might not earn you no more respect, especially since the good one got away. Wait, I just triple negatived myself into inverted confusion.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Vegas pools.

Spawning stupid hats since 2007.

For in the land of excess, in a country hit so hard by the economic realities brought about by a decade of douchebag culture’s narcissism, greed, and self indulgence, the metaphor of the pool offers notions of baptism, journey and cleansing of the sins of the skin.

And they also look all badass when lit up with blue light.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Box Set Pick of the Week: “Smoking marijuana, eating Cheese Doodles, and masturbating do not constitute ‘plans’ in my book!”

From the Nature V. Nurture debate: Sexually extravagant male birds get old faster and have bum sperm. Like Roy Batty taught us, the candle that burns twice as bright, burns twice as fast.

For those who still haven’t heard, the news about HCwDB legend and fist pumping Mecha Hineyho, aka “Zyzz” is true. Australia’s legend passed away last week in a sauna in Thailand.

Hipster Band in NYC sings an ode to Internet Comment Feedback.</p?

Here’s your Bleeth of the Year winner. Way to go, England. So much for the land of Shakespeare and Doctor Who to save us from the Douche/Bleeth Plague.

Brighton Beach Douchebags.

Best. Wedding. Ever.

Annoying Nerdbag headlocks his date at Coldplay concert. You had douchebag at “Coldplay Concert.”

HCwDB’s long time ‘bag hunter and writer/producer guy douche equis is pleased to announce a Black Dynamite animated series on Adult Swim. Checkitout.

Shaved alpaca. What next? Alpacas in low rise jeans? Is there no modesty these days?

But you are not here to laugh at idiots who waste money on Coldplay concerts and lust after shaved alpaca. You are here for Pear. And today we enjoy a slice of real world Pear, no airbrush or fancy photography tricks:

Bleacher Pear

Just two mounds of gnaw punch slappy slap Venician glass canal Italian pimento chomp.

Enjoy.

For Friday > Thursday.

Spencer Patents “Tattooed Jesus Bling”

Ever since the infamous “D.J. LaughingCow5 Jesus Bling Pool Incident” at the Hard Rock in late ’09, Spencer’d been working on a secret equation to maintain Zen Douchery in various states of submersion. Spencer has now cracked the code:

1. Waterproof Hair Gel: For that crusty look even under the most trying of liquidtorial conditions

and:

2. Spencer’s piece douche resistance: “Tattooed Jesus Bling.”

Solving two douchal signifiers at once, Bad tattoos and Jesus Bling, Spencer is now free to give you the finger and ignore Sexy Lacey’s attentions at the same time.

Friday Haiku

Blaze in the kitchen;
Let’s smother this Blaze
With an iron skillet.

Meanwhile, Skeletor
Leers at us all from his perch
On Castle GayCockk.

Jiffy Pop on Stove,
Jersey Poop in the kitchen
I would burn them both.

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Johnny Blaze Spring Break
Who cares about the weather.
Hurricane-proof hair.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

White apartment walls
It could be anywhere but
Douchebag means its Jerz.

— ehcuodouche

New movie this week
Conan the Bad-hairian
Starring this douchebag.

— Doucheywallnuts

Blaze shows how he pees
Through cod piece skeleton’s grin
Burning sensation.

— Dude McCrudeshoes

Kitchen group pic-hug
Macks on Cousins for practice
Growing up Gotti.

— SonnyChibaChoad

Name Those ‘Bags

Here are two classic crimson douche bros we’ve featured numerous times on the site in various crypto-gay poses while pretending to hit on Woo Hotties.

Can you name them?

First to I.D. them in the comments threads wins a hearty handshake, a glass of water and a magic penny.

Yup. I have a block on these guys in my memory. Like most primal trauma, I repress.

EDIT: Readers Et Tu Douche? and Model Train Mayhem share the prize, with Et Tu remembing the atrocity that was June’s Crazy Eyes Killah (real name is Jared) and MTM fully tagging these clowns as March’s The GreasePitz. I may need to give these bronze turdsers a special dispensation to compete in the 2011 Douchie of the Year contest.