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Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Joey Lumpcrustowitz Gives You the Finger
While Kate offers us the rare Mayan Eye of Pool Coitus.
And Happy Danny is just glad to know ya.
Monday, August 8, 2011No More Perfect Sucklethigh Karen
Karen from Jeffy Nottabag Wins at the Game of Life wrote in with a very polite and well worded takedown request, due to an angry ex writing nasty comments in the comments thread, so I’ve honored her request.
However, Karen did provide us a link to her modeling page. Let the pooch spackle begin.
King Douchuous the IV approves of pooch spackle pear.
Monday, August 8, 2011My Swagger Still Sucks
My Swagger sucked back on September 23rd, 2010.
And it still sucks today.
But in a related story, my abillity to beatbox is unparalleled. I’m talking Fatboys vintage 1987 unparalleled.
Monday, August 8, 2011HCwDB of the Month
It’s on. It’s so on. Bring the Mock, people. Do your duty:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties
There’s something almost reassuring in these dark and unstable economic times knowing that Crotch Johnson is out there, douching it up with hot chicks for all of us sinners.
For C.J. is anti-Lebowski.
But nor a nihilist neither.
Some swampy middle land of stupid head and credit card debt without worry.
Where boobies flow freely like rice wine.
And sparrows come to nest in his hair like forgotten Song of the South Disney racist past.
The Sara Bikini Hotties want to major in nursing, and giggle a lot.
And for that we thank them by enjoying a tasty guava mixer.
Which is not a euphemism. Guava mixers are tasty.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Silverlake Todd and Young Mom Carol
Bringing a much needed dose of real world hottie/douchey dialectics back to the Monthly, real world Todd and Young Mom Carol are the antethesis of the party doucher club itch of Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties.
Yet just as powerfully potently wrong.
With his patented Silverlake Stubble ™ is all sorts of punchworthy hipster douche that hangs out at Intelligentsia on Sunset and claims he’s working on a script about mutant donkeys called “Mutant Donkeys,” Crotch Johnson is real world indie itch.
As to the screenplay? He’s on page four.
Young Mom Carol is all that is hot about women who marry too soon and carry a secret sexual yearning for crazed orgyness underneath their societal veneer for the rest of their 30s and 40s.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Broctopus and Party Girl Melinda
Offering yet another distinct dialectic in this monthly, The Broctopus and Party Girl Melinda are standard issue clownbaggery.
The losers in the bar who force the party when the partying should not be forced.
And thus make all real girls in the immediate vicinity lose all interest in late night makeouts.
Because Broctopus is too stupid for the rest of us to abide.
I would paddle Melinda with a shake weight and ask for change.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney
Our final contestants for a spot in the HCwDB of the Year bring pumped up musclebaggery and tasty blonde suckle thigh in toxic combo to the yearly.
Remember.
When voting, it is not just about the hott, or the douchebag, but the combination in toto as a Freudian Primal Trauma Rorsharch test that truly pushes the limits of our critical discourse.
Which combo is most toxic and wrong?
Vote as ever in the comments thread.
Sunday, August 7, 2011Old Bob Eubanks Ruins Your Favorite Urban Legend
We’re gonna take a break from frolic videos and douchey-ass music videos to finally, after years of young DB1 telling this anecdote on the playground of his junior high school, set the record straight.
What she actually said: “In the ass pear, Bob.”
Saturday, August 6, 2011Comment of the Week: Medusa Oblongata
In the Jimbo the Crust thread, female ‘bag huntress and Hall of Mock member Medusa Oblongata lays the hottie smackdown and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:
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With the exception of second from left, this is the worst excuse for a line of hotts I’ve ever seen. It’s like the AV club decided to whore it up for the night. I do not approve. Nerd chicks are rad. Nerd chicks trying to slut it up is the wrongest wrong that ever was wronged. You ladies have stuff like intelligence, humor, wit, independence, empathy and creativity. Leave this kind of silly shit for your whoresome peers. They don’t have shit-all going for them save for praying that gravity doesn’t take away the one thing that makes them of any use to anyone. And even then, being a Ming Vase means nothing if it’s used as a semen repository. Put your clothes on and go back to the dorm, ASAP! We’ve got a Super Congress to dethrone.
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Friday Thoughts and Links
As this Friday afternoon of hazy Los Angeles flop sweat and fancy cars without licence plates driving on Ventura fades to dusk, I contemplate this image of unholy culture pooper.
The notion of a Vegas lady’s crotch as a credit card, usually a metaphor for the societal exchange of beauty as currency, is here writ literal.
Mona’s rendering of Explicit Credit Card Crotch, as she helps Bartender Generica Aspiring D.J. #561 smoke his cig, speaks of a market system inscribed as corporeal totem.
The currency of our bodies. Reflected back to us through the value system of mass media. A culture industry of exchange with the fear of aging and decay underlying the purchasing power manipulation. So wrong. So very wrong.
Won’t somebody think of the alpacas?
And so I sip my ‘Train. And imagine boobies of pure joy. In a world without commerce.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD British Comedy Box Set of the Week: “You weren’t ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green! I knew it was a hoax because the paint washed off when that enema backfired.”
Summer’s Eve is taking their talking vagina on a roadshow tour like early Al Jolson.
Heidi and Spencer are broke and living with their parents. In a related story, who are Heidi and Spencer again?
A genius t-shirt deconstructs douche-wear.
High School students in Minnesota hold “Wigger Wednesday.” Black students not amused.
Hipsters With Too Much Time on their Hands.
I’m convinced the X-Games are avant-garde absurdist theater critiquing a generation in existential crisis. There’s no rational way people are interested in this idiocy.
You thought authentic douchebags were on the decline? Not at all. Here’s a Douchebag on Facebook.
The sharp research reporters at the Village Voice are shocked to discover Snooki was on a reality show before The Jersey Shore.
Speaking of MTV, the greatest network of the 1980s began broadcasting 30 years ago this week. As the single televisual event that defined by childhood, and then gave me my TV break as an adult, I will always be grateful. For launching Spencer and Heidi, and all those celebrated pregnant teens, not so much.
And according to website The Big Lead, my show Is She Really Going Out With Him? was one of the top 30 MTV moments of the past 30 years. Nice!
But you are not here for nostalgic MTV. You are here for Pear.
First up:
Quality petite foreign suckle thigh. But if that is not enough, reader Vin Douchal offers us his own personal Pear ‘tag:
And if that’s not enough, have some:
We sail tonight. And we sail together. Onward. Onward. Until the sky turns red with morning hope.
Friday, August 5, 2011The Time Traveling Blintzes of Persia
Mitch and Roland, the two confused bros in the back, just realized they never should’ve stepped into that alternate reality time machine phone booth that appeared magically at the mall between the Rite Aid and the Orange Julius stand.
Now, wacky hijinks are most definitely ensuing.
Friday, August 5, 2011Friday Haiku
On this ship of Tools,
Captain offers rides on his
Good Ship Lollicockk.
Dance Party Madness
On the SS Sodomy
Rockin’ the Poop Deck
— Medusa Oblongata
Nylon waxed sea rope
Tightly tied nautical knots
Jammed in some rudders
— Vin Douchal
Well Thar she blows, mate!
Its ‘Pirates of PenisDance’
A gay play, indeed.
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
Captain Barbossa
Drinks his rum, weeps, and laments
“Here there be poo-rates”
— Mr. Scrotato Head
Thursday, August 4, 2011Breaking: Football non-legend Jeff Reed Still Has A Job
In breaking sports news, defending two time Douchiest Athlete of the Year (2009 and 2010) and former Pittsburgh Steelers layabout, Jeff Reed has been signed by The Seattle Seahawks, bringing his patented brand of doucheclownery to the Pacific Northwest.
The Reedbag first became noted for drunken, shirtless barbaggery back in 2007. Reed Vegased it up in 2008, and his career peaked with his Tom Hanks like back-to-backs at the 2009 and 2010 Douchie Awards.
And here we thought baseballer Brian Wilson of the S.F. Giants, The Jets’ Mark Sanchez, NHL’er Brandon Prust or Dallas Cowboy’s Dez Bryant might have a shot.
Looks like the Reedbag could go for the NFL Douche Trifecta, a run of douchebaggery not seen in the league since early 90s Deon Sanders.
And in sad football news, R.I.P to the great football player and star of the “Police Academy” movies, Bubba Smith. Here’s hoping the great Hightower will finally get time to tend to his florist shop in the sky.
