Ask DB1
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Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Ask DB1: Tawny Kitaen as Proto-Bleeth?
Et tu douche? writes in asking us to historically codify 80s hottie Tawny Kitaen on the historical Bleeth spectrum:
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Dear DB1,
Your post the other day of “Nick The Richard” got me to thinking. As we all know by now Yasmin Bleeth was infected with the Grieco virus and has gone downhill and out of site as a result. I posit that Tawney Kitaen has suffered the same indignity but in a different way.
She was wholesome, smoking hot, succulent, boobage fondle hott in the movie Bachelor Party and seemed to have it going on.
Then what I believe was the beginning of her end was when she succumbed to Metalrockerbaggery. If you asked anyone who she was they would say she’s the chick in that Whitsnake video and was married to the rocker/old bag David Coverdale. Before that she dated some dude in Ratt, supposedly Tommy Lee too.
So I ask ye which is more virulent, the Grieco Virus or Metalrockerbaggery?
Hell we can even debate basebaggery as she really hit the fan during her marriage to Chuck Finley. I’ve attached some before & after pics to help you decide.
ETD?
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Kitaen’s Bleethery is definitely apparent, but without the epic fall from grace travesty that was Grieco/Bleeth, Kitaen is merely on the second tier of 80s Hot Chickery turned rank pooery.
Far more noteworthy a case of Metalrockerbaggery was Bobbie Brown. Although that tasty cherry pie was probably ‘Baguette from the start.
Thursday, January 12, 2012Reader Mail: Atlanta Herpsters and Viral T-Shirt Mutation
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DB1-
Greetings and salutations from Atlanta.
I’m sending this note due to a section of Atlanta the cools kids refer to as “East Atlanta Village” or EAV.
Basically, EAV is a breeding ground for the Hipster Douchebag or Herpster as I think you’re now calling them. Anyway, it’s like Urban Outfitters mated with American Apparel and had a bunch of v-neck t-shirt wearing, non-functional-glasses sporting, my-beard-is-ironic, no-I-don’t-know-what-ironic-means, ew-you-smoke-Marlboro-Reds f#ckwits.
It’s enough to make you heave, but the restaurants are cheap and usually sport some library hottness, so my friend and I usually suck it up and wade into a sea of pastel-striped skinny jeans just to ogle at Anjelica serving our beers.
I came across this: a website selling angled-V and reverse-V t-shirts which makes me think that while the douchebag still exists, the Herpster is multiplying in droves. I submit for your approval/disdain: Zona By Peter V as I weep for Atlanta.
– Sherman’s Arch
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The “Back V” may be the douchiest clothing innovation since they started silkscreening Jesus bling. Yech. Well worth monitoring in 2012 for raging lubous heinosity. Good work S.A., and send in pics of some Georga Hotts making lemonade.
Monday, October 31, 2011Ask DB1: Halloween = Autodouche?
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Dear DB1,
I’m writing you concerning adults and Halloween costumes. It is my contention that anyone over the age of twelve who wear such costumes are Douche. The women who practice this seem to be living out some prostitution-fetish, submission fantasy judging by their slutty outfits. (Which I find acceptable, even admirable.)
However, grown men who engage in this behavior are either Douchebags or are apparently working out deep-seated childhood insecurities based on latent homosexuality.
Also, do you advocate the use of stool softeners in cases of chronic constipation?
Your help in these matters would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely Yours,
Backed-up in Bloomington
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In regards to your first query, BuiB, absolutely not. Adults dressing up for Halloween is not douchey on any level, provided the costumes are in the spirit of fun and festivity, and not an excuse to act douchey by other means (see Chaz Osborne’s caveman costume in “Back To School”
Also, the chance to see boobie hottie suckle thighs dressed as nurses, kittens, and French maids is nothing to scoff at. Ever.
In regards to the second query, I might suggest a tablespoon full of linseed oil every morning before breakfast. Also, avoid eating too much bread and apples.
Thursday, October 27, 2011Reader Mail: The Tattoo=Autobag Conundrum
Douche Slapper writes in with another question of sleeve tatt as audodouchery:
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Dear DB1,
I have been enjoying the mock for a long time (2008ish) and I have noticed that over time, multiple tattoos, or a sleeve in the parlance of our time, has begun to move into the realm of autodouche.
Is this true in all cases?
I ask only because I myself am very heavily tattoo, but I exhibit no other signs of doucheness.
I have been married, faithfully, for 5 years, have two boys, rarely if ever attend bars (for fear I will start punching random fruity drinks out of hands), and don’t pay attention to my hair style, tan line, etc. What are your thoughts, almighty DB1?
-Douche Slapper
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The debate continues. However you do make a good point, D.S., as we now live in a world where those with many-tatts far outnumber those with the few, or the none. ‘Bag markers, as we’ve learned, are a cumulative effect. However, while sleeve tatts remain autobag in the visual realm, and we cannot exempt this, I will allow for other real-world factors, like not showing them in annoying ways to nearby cameras, to mitigate such rulings.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011Ask DB1: The Wrestler Exemption
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DB1,
Does the WWE exemption continue after a wrestler has left the grappling game? If not, Batista couldn’t look more douche-y if he was wearing an Affliction shirt.
— Mog
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Here’s the deal with the Wrestler Exemption. It only applies to those performative theatrical wrestlers who douche it up in service of narrative, storyline, or other form of theater.
This is not to excuse the damage they do to their bodies via steroids and such, only to say that we can no more mock the WWE performer for being a douche than we could mock the actor playing Javert in the touring production of Les Miserables.
However, MMA fighters are not performing in any narrative function, and so their doucheyness is fair game. Boxers, same thing.
So let it be written, so let it be done.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011Ask DB1: “Ironic” Tees
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Hey Boss,
Do you think the whole “ironic” T-shirt thing is douche?
I mean like 25 year olds wearing Led Zepplin or Ramones shirts or these same a-holes wearing Reeses peanut butter Cup shirts or Luck Charms shirts.
Now I realize that some of them may actually like these bands or foods but I can’t help but laugh my ass off when one of these gherkin yodelers can’t name one song from the band or tell you that their mommy wouldn’t let them eat sweets when they were young. Should we include this in douche behavior?
Best,
– Doc Bunsen
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Irony, in and of itself, is not douchey, or else Letterman would be called ‘bag.
However, herpsterism is.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011Ask DB1: The Tex/Mex ‘Bag
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Dear db1,
I am a longtime lurker of the site (since 2007) and noticed here in Fresno, California a species of douche which I don’t think has yet been covered on the site.
I am not sure how to describe them, but essentially they are a mix of 50% Mexican cowboy style and 50% traditional douche styling.
I unfortunately do not have any photographs but I have no doubt that you could find some. Maybe check in to it.
Sincerely,
Nick
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I don’t have any pics of that subspecies, Nick, but good call.
I do, however, have a pick of Sexy Pooch Belly Patricia commingling with Elvis Dingleberry.
Thursday, September 22, 2011Ask DB1: Floristery?
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DB1,
Is floristry a douche vocation?
While I love a bloom as much as the next bloke I’d always considered it the least desirable choice of vocation for a douche to enter.
I guess discounts on fairly impressive arrangements would be a bonus, especially when compared to the horrid bunches sold at convenience stores. A regular stream of WooHotts browsing the bouquets must also be an added attraction, but I’m still not convinced.
– Tall Guy
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I like turtles.
Monday, September 12, 2011Ask DB1: Matt Stafford Reconsidered
In honor of the start of football, Nick writes in with a question about The Staffordbag:
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My roommate considers you an asshole for calling Matt Stafford a stage-2 bag. He claims that Matt Stafford is not a douche even though he wears classic signifiers such as the plaid shorts and tilted hat. Please correct him. I demand a quorum in order to solidify Stafford’s place in the hall of baggery.
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There is no Sports Leniency for douchebaggery. None.
Staffordbag would earn a stage-2 fratbag for this pic alone.
No pass, no matter how well he does this season.
Douche.
Thursday, September 8, 2011Ask DB1: “The Friendbag Conundrum”
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DB1,
What if you see a woman on a dating website, she’s got a great profile, seems really together, nothing that makes you suspect anything then when you click on her “more photos” button you see this picture?
Shit, she even referred to him as “one of my besties.”
If she is, in fact, not a bleeth or even close, is it worth having to spend ANY time around this tool just to get the thigh nuzzle and pear chomp?
– MC 900 Foot Douchebag
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What you refer to is what phenomenologists like Husserl first termed “The Friendbag Conundrum.”
If said Hot Chick can be demonstrably proven not to have performed coital cohabit with said douche (and this is not an easy proof), then permanent Bleeth status is not yet achieved. However, the H.C. is now suspect, and must be monitored (via stalking, rosebush hiding, etc.) for any potential future infractions.
