Thoughts and Links
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Friday, August 5, 2011
Friday Thoughts and Links
As this Friday afternoon of hazy Los Angeles flop sweat and fancy cars without licence plates driving on Ventura fades to dusk, I contemplate this image of unholy culture pooper.
The notion of a Vegas lady’s crotch as a credit card, usually a metaphor for the societal exchange of beauty as currency, is here writ literal.
Mona’s rendering of Explicit Credit Card Crotch, as she helps Bartender Generica Aspiring D.J. #561 smoke his cig, speaks of a market system inscribed as corporeal totem.
The currency of our bodies. Reflected back to us through the value system of mass media. A culture industry of exchange with the fear of aging and decay underlying the purchasing power manipulation. So wrong. So very wrong.
Won’t somebody think of the alpacas?
And so I sip my ‘Train. And imagine boobies of pure joy. In a world without commerce.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD British Comedy Box Set of the Week: “You weren’t ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green! I knew it was a hoax because the paint washed off when that enema backfired.”
Summer’s Eve is taking their talking vagina on a roadshow tour like early Al Jolson.
Heidi and Spencer are broke and living with their parents. In a related story, who are Heidi and Spencer again?
A genius t-shirt deconstructs douche-wear.
High School students in Minnesota hold “Wigger Wednesday.” Black students not amused.
Hipsters With Too Much Time on their Hands.
I’m convinced the X-Games are avant-garde absurdist theater critiquing a generation in existential crisis. There’s no rational way people are interested in this idiocy.
You thought authentic douchebags were on the decline? Not at all. Here’s a Douchebag on Facebook.
The sharp research reporters at the Village Voice are shocked to discover Snooki was on a reality show before The Jersey Shore.
Speaking of MTV, the greatest network of the 1980s began broadcasting 30 years ago this week. As the single televisual event that defined by childhood, and then gave me my TV break as an adult, I will always be grateful. For launching Spencer and Heidi, and all those celebrated pregnant teens, not so much.
And according to website The Big Lead, my show Is She Really Going Out With Him? was one of the top 30 MTV moments of the past 30 years. Nice!
But you are not here for nostalgic MTV. You are here for Pear.
First up:
Quality petite foreign suckle thigh. But if that is not enough, reader Vin Douchal offers us his own personal Pear ‘tag:
And if that’s not enough, have some:
We sail tonight. And we sail together. Onward. Onward. Until the sky turns red with morning hope.
Friday, July 29, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Lookout, fellow ‘bag hunters!!
Douchetatts are now mutating and creating hybrid strains of ‘bag signifiers, demonstrated here by Antonio’s strange Unearned Dog Tags Tatt.
Masquerading under the tropes of military masculinity, the faux warrior with the chin pubes disgraces us all.
The ladies aren’t A-List, but what the hell, it’s Friday.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB CD of the Week: “Well, I went home with the waitress, The way I always do. How was I to know? She was with the Russians, too.”
Think Unearned Dogtags Tatt is Douchey? How about the Douchiest Tatt in All of Creation.
Speaking of douchey tatts, the actual Ed Hardy is writing a memoir. No word on if large pictures of tigers and thorny roses will be used to signify the angst of Mr. Hardy’s childhood.
And speaking of Hardy, reader Chris sends in this ‘tag of a disturbing discovery in a suburban mall parking lot.
The latest in one-joke blogs: Animals Being Dicks. One joke blogs are so lam… oh wait.
Pop Pear Quiz: There is a dog driving that car.
Here’s a cartoon that depicts the long period of ostracization that Ubiquitous Red Cup has faced from the rest of the chalice class.
Hot Llamas with Michelle Bachmann.
But you are not here for annoying politicians with oh so sexy llamas. You are here for beautifully concentric circle Pear. Enjoy:
Like two large orange slices being dropped into a bathtub.
Crack open a bottle of the Mad Dog. For the Weekend is ‘ere.
Friday, July 22, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Remember that game you always wanted to play with a girl in 8th grade but never have the courage to actually try on? You know, “Tune in Tokyo”?
Yup.
This is the douchal version of that game.
But it’s nice to see Jonathan Silverman and Sarah Jessica Parker found work back in the 80s. And I’m referring to the photo, not the linked clip.
As to our hallowed Hall of Hott, it was a tough crowd and a split vote, with only the lovely Arielle gaining entrance. Sorry ladies. Maybe next time.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “You know, I could lay a big line on you and we could do a lot of role-playing, but the simple truth is, is that I find you very interesting and I’d really like to make love to you.”
Donkey Douche: Still in Jail. Eye Color still “BRO”
Speaking of bros, Bro seeks Bros for Manhood Camping. Possibly to oil up each other pecs and then grind to Right Said Fred. No homo.
And speaking of bros seeking bros, HCwDB legend Cro ‘Bagnon needs a date. “Eggs whites, Protein shakes, Jack Daniels” ladies. C’mon now, can you resist?
Russian Girls want to date you, yes?
Yet more from the Rebecca Black school of untalented viral despiration: Some Annoying Chick Raps
Best Cry Ever. Finally, a use for autotune.
Texas Scrotesackery: The Hillbilly Music Video.
Summer’s Eve new ad campaign involves talking vagina hands.
Speaking of T.V. ads, let us never forget far and away the greatest ad of the past twenty years: “You tell ’em, Johnny! You tell the world.”
Nicholas Cage’s son is something something.
Remember Swatches in the 80s? Today’s kids’ watches are far more scroatier.
Holy Mackeral! It’s:
A bit meaty for your Friday, perhaps. But well inspiring as we sail onward until dawn.
EDIT: For those objecting to the real world meaty meat fishing pear, your cries for more Pear have been heard. Enjoy:
It’s Gehry by way of Crumb.
Friday, July 15, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
As greasy refried beanbags soft serve the hotties a dollop of stupid talk, and the hotties giggle, I contemplate the eternal mating dance on this Friday.
So much has changed in the five years of this site. Yet branding and the media marketplace continue to reconfigure the sex drive as profit in the eternal recasting of douche product as sexual enhancement.
And so I poo on a fig leaf. In a metaphorical sense.
But rice wine and assorted snack cakes comfort me with sugary goodness and primal aplomb.
The sun will rise. The sun will set. And Lou Gorman’s ghost will have spectral lunch in the sky.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “He keeps putting his testicles all over me!”
The great Skweezy Jibbs will live 4-EVA, ZON!
A blog named “Two in the Shirt” gives HCwDB some love.
Emma Stone is hot for Christina Hendricks. Boobs.
Reader Eddie sends in this pic of a Tramp Stamp vending machine. You know. For the kids. In Long Island and parts of Jersey.
Sportsbag of the Year? Brian Wilson of the Giants makes his case.
The hottest woman in the world is currently Rachel Nichols. In case you were wondering.
Star Wars Alpacas. So cute. And yet so powerful with the ways of the Force.
Old Chicks with Assholes. Yet pretty damn hilarious in a just wrong sorta way.
This week in Aussiebaggery: Party at Kyle’s House. Oz hasn’t seen a plague this bad since Bart brought over the frogs.
Speaking of Australian douchebags, enjoy the great Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry in Rupert Murdoch: It’s a Wonderful Life
And then there’s legendary crooner Tom Jones. Where orange and douchey is so orange and douchey, even our Rockstar Leniency Rule struggles to make an exception.
And from 70s Tom Jones, we move to something that goes well with beer, wine and other assorted beverages of choice:
It squishes like firm melons on a tilt-o-whirl.
Enjoy. It is Friday. And Adonai commands rest.
Friday, July 8, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Taxi Belt. Must be Friday.
For those wondering, last week’s vote to consider Barely Legal Kelly for our hallowed Hall of Hott didn’t come close.
However it reminded me how many quality boobie hottie suckle thighs we’ve featured over the past few months. Maybe it’s time we held a vote.
Got your favorite hottie? Post the title in the comments thread and in a week or so, we’ll see which suckle taut deserves consideration.
Your humble narrator remains in New York for a few more days, where the stalking of East Village lithe chomp hotts with iProducts continues.
As does perfect New York pizza. Get your own slice here.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Damn! You rise out of the grave and run out of ammunition!”
Remember kids, true HCwDB Hall of Scrote legends don’t fade away. They just begin to resemble confused bonobo monkeys.
Five year old unholy demon spawn of pretty boy Bush/Blur singer guy from 1996 and pretend punk Gwen Stephani is rapidly being turned into a faux skater douchewipe. Sorry, kid. You were doomed from birth.
Too much gas? Try the wind relieving yoga pose.
In the future, could iScreeners help? Or hurt? What if the ladies find out about my alpaca fetish?
Bug Penis is Loud. But you knew that.
The Russian Soccer Team will now play in bikinis. And the Bolshevik revolution is complete.
But you are not just here for Russian soccer hotties in bikinis. Although you should be. Here’s your Pear:
Enjoy. For the weekend, as is wont to happen after half a fortnight has passed, is upon us again.
Friday, July 1, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humble narrator finds himself wandering homeward. Backward through space and time. Back to the land of Stanley Cup champeens and really stupid accents.
Yup. My ass is in Boston.
Home of Mama DB1. And July 4th Weekend. So while I plan for a weekend of New Hampshirian relaxation, here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Meteor shit!”
Odious and pathetic rodeo clown and jizzmaster of HCwDB wannabe “The Dirty,” the uberdouchey “Nik Ritchie” is peddling a hilarious book proposal. “Nik Ritchie is this decade’s Lenny Bruce” for the ballpunch. Ritchie’s wannabe celebrity crash-and-burn arc is as enjoyable as it is long overdue. Up next: Weblebrity Rehab.
This is not a workout. It’s a homoerotic revolution.
HCwDB legend Joey Porsche makes it into Cracked Magazine’s 7 Things Good Parents Do That Screw Kids Up for Life.
Quentin Tarantino likes to suck ladies’ feet while playing with himself. But you already knew that.
A Los Angeles scenester goes to Vegas and discovers A place of supposed anti-douche. A retro arcade club called “Insert Coins”.
The generational passing of the Grieco virus: From Mohrbag to Bieber.
The pathetic last days of Stackhouse the Poet: Stackhouse The Poet in “Wikipedia is a Fraud.” It’s just getting sad.
But you are not here to watch Stackhouse descend into parody, sullen moodiness and rapid aging, you are here for Pear:
First up, a little Accidental Helicopter Pear.
And if that’s not enough for your July 4th BBQ Weekend, hows about some Corona Pear.
Like two paid-to-pose loafs of Challah bread wrestling over the check.
Enjoy. For the Weekend is Uponst.
Friday, June 24, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh Slavic Europe.
How strangely hilarious your fashion sense is.
At least American Douchebags maintain a consistency of garishness.
Your tiny Nordic Ferrets are techno creeper.
But your Tiny Nordic Hotts, complete with mesh boob reveal, do offer pure suckle thigh. Like “Virgen” Water from Uraguay.
Which isn’t in Europe. Or so they tell me. Yup. Time to start drinking. The DB1 is making no sense whatsoever.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Mole Pick of the Week: Mole!
Ever wonder what airline pilots really talk to each other about during a flight? Answer: “Homosexuals and a granny.”
Most days, I’m deeply and unhealthily obsessed with alpacas. Every so often, I make room for Condescending Llama.
Does winning the Stanley Cup give you permission to douche it up shirtless, standing on a bar, and demonstrating toxic groin shave reveal? No. No it does not. Yup, it’s Hot Chicks with Stanley Cup Douchebags. Even if it’s my hometown Bruins, and I’m proud of ’em, I gotta call a ‘bag a ‘bag.
Oh racist Bugs Bunny. How you tell the real history of this country, even as our collective media memory loves to forget.
Here’s one from the Department of Redundant Polls.
Need a little uber-pumped up creepily European steroid pumping uberdouche to go with your Friday? Of course you do (Warning: Ubergay and Uberdouchey)
But you are not here for ubergay pumped up ubershlort. You are here for quality pear:
Like two perfectly levened matzoh balls of rugaleh chomp.
Go forth and celebrate Friday like it’s Friday in its most Rebeccablackian sense.
Which for me means sitting at home on my dirty-ass rug, drinking Mr. Pibb, burping loudly, watching Tom Baker era Doctor Who DVDs, and scratching myself inappropriately.
Friday, June 17, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
On this Friday ‘aft, I ponder those former Eastern Europeans who float through our cultural bloodstream like frothy backwash, hitting on party Latinas and compulsively fondling their iPhones like an arthritic yeti, and it strikes me.
The douchey hand gesture, a fully destabilized semiotic construction meant to mark cultural alterity outside the realm of the linguistic or corporeal, actually does the opposite.
It marks itself as smelly poo flush.
And lo, the Rooster flies into the sunset as Yuri hits his dad Boris up to borrow the BMW 525 to go to the “totally mad party, yo.”
And Boris reconsiders whether life under Soviet oppression really was that bad.
Sure they didn’t have food or electricity on a regular basis. But they didn’t have Grey Goose neither.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB CD Pick of the Week: “Be brave persevere through it all. I and I get sickled on sacred love. I and I get tickled. Sacred love.”
Mark your calendars: International Douchebag Awareness Day is December 12th
The Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” is now selling a douche-abs shirt so choady it rivals the unholy cultural shame that was Mooby Dick.
Your humble narrator’s Twitter was quoted in the L.A. Times story about yesterday’s Weiner roast. I’m honored.
The great Werner Herzog reads “Go the F@#k to the Sleep” to the kiddies.
A reality show in England captures documentary footage of teenage London ‘baglings in action.
If you’re bored this weekend, why not watch Pulp Fiction in a little over three minutes?
Hot Chicks with Robby the Robot
Stanley Kubrick’s Chicago. 1949. Beautiful.
Frolic + Dance = France. Somehow douche dance passes through a culture of mimes and cheese and emerges the other side as some cirque du soleil performance art that’s really freakin’ impressive. Not sure how that happened.
But you are not here to watch strange French dance steps. You’re here for pair:
Crazy Eyes Crazy Chick Self Portrait Pear
Crazes eyes crazy chicks always spice up a Friday night. Go out and partake of all that our shmorgasboard of a consumer culture offers.
Friday, June 10, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Douches with ‘hawks and licky tongue are like a festering pus pimple on the fleshy ass check of civilization.
That is my only deep thought on this Friday aft’.
That, and Sun Chips are chip crack for the soul.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week:“Hi. Ed Ramsey from Delos. If there’s anyone who doesn’t know what Delos is, well, as we’ve always said: Delos is the vacation of the future, today.”
If you’re interested in keeping up with the goings on of your humble narrator, I’m Jewcy.
Speaking of your humble narrator, ever wonder what I dream about at night? Now you know.
Hidden boobcam on hot French Chick proves earth revolves around sun.
Long overdue: Teens set each other on fire. Back in the 80s, we just put Snaps up our nose.
Suburban White Jerzeybags watch a Tornado, call each other “Nigga.”
Reason #53 why Japan pwns our asses.
Nothing promotes the new season of a show quite like Douche Fights.
If Jim Carrey can bomb horribly on the Tonight Show in 1983, there’s hope for all of us.
Odious Oldbag Sir Ivan makes me want to cauterize my nads with a flaming q-tip. What a heaping pile of flaming poo this elephant sack is. Watch “The Dungeon” clip at your own risk.
But you are done mocking Oldbags and you want your reward. Here it is:
That pretty much visualizes my first erotic dream when I was nine. So for that, I salute with a HoHo and sail off into Friday ‘eve satiated and scratchy.
Friday, June 3, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Lest there was any doubt about our HCwDB of the Month winner containing the necessary adouchremonts, our week concludes with Peter Pumpin’Head.
Having ditched Mary Mammageddon, Peter demonstrates douchery in two classic ways:
1. Busting the classic sideways peace sign (‘bag hand gesture #61) in presence of Pocahontas beach hotties.
2. The douche-nipple-poke from behind a tighty blacky muscle shirt.
The prosecution rests your honor.
It’s good to be back.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Yes we do. But this happens to be a one hundred dollar minimum table. Perhaps you’d be more comfortable at one of our lower stakes tables.”
Shark Eats Shark. Stonerbags watch excitedly.
If you’ve got some time this weekend, watch Sex Pistols creator/manager Malcolm McLaren gives an epic rant on what he calls “Karaoke Culture” at TED. “Life that’s lived by proxy.” This is pure genius, well worth your time.
If you’ve never thought about the country of Latvia in your life, now’s a good time to start. And by think, I mean boobies.
I never thought I’d find genius in advertising in a McDonalds Ad, yet here it is.
Grey Goose sales are sandbagging our economy.
This just seems like a huge waste of Ezra’s Bar Mitzvah money
Slayer of All things ‘Bag and reality show afficianado, HCwDB’s own Medusa Oblongata writes in with a douche tag from A&E’s Parking Wars. So this show is on TV, while my new show about brain-addled alpacas on the run from the law in El Paso, Texas, (“Alpaca El Paso”) languishes in development hell.
But enough about all that. Here it is. Your reward:
Like two mounds of rubber marshmallow slappy spank happy penguin drool gnaw.
Go forth. And drink. Because I’m out of euphemisms for alcoholism.
