Thoughts and Links
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Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday Thoughts and Links
Just when you think the hottie/douchey cohabit is waning, you remember that Vegas crusties like Hello Kitty Hott and The King of Sears are still out there.
Still shouting, “Bro! Wassup?” And then making intricate hand slaps with people whose names they can’t quite remember.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime!”
‘Baghunters beware! ‘Bag Tagging can be dangerous.
The best five minutes you can waste this weekend should be spent on appreciating the genius that is N.Y.C. (1983). Should’ve bought one of those Keith Harings or Basquiats.
An early candidate for douchiest athlete of 2011, Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant ejected from a mall for baggy pants, throws a fit.
The late, great Bill Hicks explains Christianity. We need you now more than ever, Bill.
Moronic pseudo-celebrity clown Chris Brown is still a douche. Or just wants to stay relevant. I know this story is boring and old, but it had to be noted for austerity.
For those who can truly appreciate a hot chick no matter the form of her jibblies, I give you Thailand’s Got Talent. And now I’m disturbed and questioning everything about myself.
When douchebag arrogance becomes dangerous.
In sign #523 of the impending douchepocalypse, The Fake Ab Concealer.
For those who missed it last week, “The Situation” reminds us what happens when douchebags try to do anything other than flex.
But you are not here to mock the pathetic packaging of The Situation. You are here for Pear:
That pic is like some weird hallucinogenic flashback to 80s hott fantasy. I’m talking Sherilyn Fenn 80s. Good times for the early pubescent development in your humble narrator.
I will toast the memories (mammories) of Fenn all weekend. For the weekend is uponst. And spring is here.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011The Genie Outside of Bottle
Here’s the central concept underlying Orangemen group groping a hottie that we all need to understand.
In the age of Toffler’s Future Shock, language and image have inverted, flipped on their lid, and danced a jig of meaning fragmentation. Put simply, the egg-being is post-born and forever broken. Humpty Dumpty can never cohesively be reconstructed again.
The conceptual structures that maintain institutional power are not visible, as Foucault taught us, but instead teach us self imprisonment through linguistic inscription and repetition.
It is only when the image is fully untethered from structure, when the signifier is fully destabilized in the simulacrum, that true revolutionary dialectics can occur.
This is the revolution of HCwDB, no matter how it becomes codified in subsequent form.
The ‘bags and hotts featured images on this site do not exist.
They are conceptually reinscripted (re)creations of spectral phantasm conjured by each of us, individually, upon the act of witness.
For that ancient question no longer exists. The tree that falls in the woods not only doesn’t make a sound, we no longer need a tree. Nor woods. The sound occurs either way. Fully corporeal fragmentation within unconstituted denature in the realm of the uncanny.
That is the revolutionary shift in conceptual recodification brought about by the untethered nature of collective simulacra in the mass media age.
The body is no longer a body. The corporeal has gone electromagnetic spectral and the genie can only shake her phantasmic bootie to a hiphop techno beat of imagination in the endless, open bottle of (un)containment.
Friday, March 18, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Oh, Canadian Kleenex Wipes. How you grope the hipster librarian Bleeth/Hotts in so many wrong ways.
It’s enough to make angels weep and bears urinate on garbage cans.
A quiet, humble week for your scruffy narrator. Trying to sell new shows in the wastezones of Hollywoodland, and taking time to scratch myself on the way.
L.A. has finally stopped raining so much. And the gugenzelia flowers smell like snozzleberries.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Maybe you can help me. What’s wrong with my life? Why is my wife sleeping with someone else? Why can’t I sleep?”
An anonymous no-talent assclown by the name of “Joe Buys” makes a webpage. Click “play” at your own risk.
Duck Hunting: Reality TV Edition. Sugar is a badass.
Cracked Magazine riffs in an HCwDB way in The rich dick’s guide to picking up women.
From Failblog, what every industrial zone needs: The Hipster Trap.
Slate discovers the amazing fact that young loser dudes hook up with hot chicks. Or, as they called it in the 90s, “College.”
Take heart, friends, for now even Skybar has picked up the good fight.
A performative ‘Bag hunter in Vegas, “The Gazillionaire,” takes on “The Situation.”
In spite of the world’s many troubles, there’s always joy in discovering that noted actor James Cromwell once played a swingin’ detective on “Three’s Company.” Jack Tripper approves.
But you are not here for spider bite erections. You are hear for pear. In the spirit of spider biting, enjoy:
Where necrophilia fantasies and glute pooching meet.
The weekend has begunst. And your humble narrator is already drink on rice wine and mead.
Friday, March 11, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Fishmouth Frankie may not know much. But he does know this: Popsicles pwn creamsicles.
Oh sweet Danielle. How your Mayan Eye of Coitus bespeaks a pumpkin sunrise of tangerine candy corns and buttslappy slap.
Yup. No idea what I’m saying any more.
Your humble narrator has been called up the bigs. From semi-professional alcholism to pro.
And I have only the tasty goodness of HoHo Snack Cakes to thank.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: “I am at this moment writing a lengthy indictment against our century. When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.”
Some Brazilian soccer star I’ve never heard of named “Ronaldhino” douches it up with the hotties while watching Carnivale. And Ed Hardy hits South America like a plague of frogs.
In honor of our upcoming St. Patty’s Day: Leprechaun Rap. Not actually good. But very Leprechauny.
Political blogger Josh Marshall discovers his four year old is a douche.
You remember Cowboy Curtis from PeeWee’s Playhouse in your nostalgic memories of childhood. But do you remember who played Cowboy Curtis? Neo means one.
Christopher Walken reads The Three Little Pigs. And all is right with the universe.
In science news: Reading HCwDB 10 minutes a day will help prolong your life.
But you are not here to find help prolonging your life. You are here for pear. Here ya go:
Sue Ellyn Pear? SueElyn? Does it matter? It is pear. And pear is gnaw.
Friday, March 4, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Ed Hardy.
Still out there.
Still the clearest marker of douchechoad shoescrape this side of tiger blood.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Hey pissant! You forgot your jukebox!”
For your bored weekend reading: The writers at Cracked do a pretty good takedown of movies and shows that were made up on the fly. The protagonists are Cylons for the loss.
Hiphop poet and voice of a generation, Skweezy Jibbs is on vacation in Florida.
A 5 Second Film that sums up the odious Pauly D.
The Germans love Das Boot Beer.
Lets never forget the early templates for modern protobaggery mock began, in all places, in a Disney Film.
HCwDB celebrated on the message boards of racist Aryan website “Stormfront.” Too bad they don’t know that I’m a gay Mexican black Muslim Jewish woman.
Someone peed in that horse once.
If you caught that fake trailer for “Hobo with a Shotgun,” the dude ended up making an actual movie. With Rutger Hauer.
Speaking of Aryans, don’t mess with angry Teutons in Helsinki.
Okay, you don’t want raging Nordic blood, you want pear. How’s about some:
Johansson Pear. She might not be able to act, but Pear.
Nah. That’s just celebupear. You want anonypear. Well here ya go:
Lay back and repose. For the weekend is nigh.
Friday, February 25, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
I’m gonna go easy on ya for this Friday Thoughts and Links.
So have a lineup of tremendous, award winning purity gnaw, and with only minimal ‘baggage.
With only a likely nottadouche Brothabag whoopin’ it up in the background. And his whiteboy sidekick over there on the left, Jon.
Jon don’t say much. But he does love the Vegas In for the Weekend Bachelorette Party Woo Hotts from Arizona State.
As do we.
So we can’t begrudge Brothabag Frankie or Sidekick Jon. Here’s two nottadouches and goinpeaces Now get out of the pic. There’s legs to gnaw.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Hey, Cookie. How about we stop playing all these games?”
Of the many Guido Dances we’ve laughed at over the years, none were as innovative as the techno basketball shot.
If you’ve ever wondered what happened to E.T. and Eliot, here’s your answer.
There are many images of America. Very few explain the inherent contradictions of Americana quite like this image of two billboards. My new motto: I’d rather be at Big Jim’s Boobie Bungalow.
HCwDB reader Emmitt makes a video where he goes Cougar Hunting.
Want one image from a book from your childhood that’ll make you cry? Here you go.
Mmm… librarian hotts on “Community.” One of the best shows on TV right now.
Speaking of children’s books, here’s a disturbing development: Teaching toddlers to wear douche-shirts.
But you’re not hear for children’s books. You’re here for Pear:
Mmm… like two marshmallow aliens fighting for global supremacy on planet suckle thigh.
Go out. Go out and mock/lust. For the weekend is uponst.
Friday, February 18, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
HCwDB of the Month winner, The Gynochin, has ditched Brunette Rhea for Hippie Hillary, a downgrade perhaps, but a tasty and bright morsel of thigh chomp in her own girl-next-door way.
But the popped collar kissy lips douchey of the ‘Chin remind us of a worthy Monthly winner building his case. Who will join him? Some quality submissions this week, and your humble narrator feels his mock impulse sated.
In other site news, the new spam filter is inexplicably holding up some comments from appearing, so if there’s a delay between your post and it actually showing up, I blame Donkey Douche.
But the genius of the threads is what keeps me going, so keep up the always amusing daily articulations of the mock.
And on that note, I begin drinking. Or continue it, depending on your point of view.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “A strange man defecated on my sister.”
In the Jerz, even the drunken late night brawls are douchey swamplands of homoeroticism and hair grease.
L.A. Hipster Hotties, “Garfunkel and Oats” produced an official video for their track, This Party Took a Turn for the Douche. Denis Leary approves.
S.I. swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker punches holes in my soul.
High tech videocamera technology, boredom and a Vegas hotel room all collaborated to create something pretty damn cool.
This is what happens when Grieco gets in the Grotto.
Were there douches in the middle ages? Sort of.
Mylie Cyrus. Former Jailbait + Ducklips = Why I don’t write about celebrities very often.
From the latest in one joke blogs that’ll quickly be forgotten (five years after they said that about HCwDB), I give you Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber.
But you’re not here for meta-comments. You’re here for Pear. And here ya go:
For the Sista Hott loves among us.
Go forth unto eve, and do good. And by good, I mean boobie brush when reaching for the salt.
Friday, February 11, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Look, Mummy! There’s a douchebag up in the sky.
As the odious Starhawk continues to fake-party and pretend he’s “lovin’ life” while the repo men reclaim his Lexus in the parking lot, and while Tiny Brunette Beth gives me what the Mayans term “The Eye of Coitus,” your humble narrator scratches himself.
I know what you’re thinking.
What makes this scratching of self different than all other scratching of selves?
For on this scratching of self, I used a rigorous up/down motion. On all other scratching of selves, I use a more languid left/right fondle.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Spearmint or Fruit?”
Check out HCwDB fans and thrash metal band “I Dream of Apocalypse” performing their latest mock of douchebags, Straight Fag. “Wives and girlfriends, drag you to Sears, you sip zinfandel, never chugging a beer” = pure genius.
In China, Alpha Males carry designer purses. The global Grieco Virus continues to spread. We must mock harder.
Bored college girls dress up as librarian nerd hipster hotts. I love them all, equally and with great, if brief, passion.
As the Hottie/Douchey dialectics move from the avant-garde of early HCwDB into mainstream collective reconfigurations of the mapping of popular culture, we will see the conceptual revolution launched here begin to emerge in other institutional frameworks. Witness the following art exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art: The Peacock Male: Exuberance and Extremes in Masculine Dress. As we remap history along Foucauldian interrogations of culture and power, more of this will take place, culminating in the globally acclaimed HCwDB exhibition at the Guggenheim in 2023.
More from the douchebaggization of Canada: At McGill College, Two Bros Seek Third Bro. The Bros ™ plan a lawsuit for copyright infringement.
Sometimes all you need is a heartwarming love story about a man and a stuffed bear/pig lady.
Mediocre New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez hits on a high school girl, makes an early case for 2011 Douchiest Athlete of the Year. Not superdouchey behavior yet, but the year is young. With Jeff Reed out of the league, the field is wide open.
Okay, enough links from the world of masculinity in crisis, lets remember what it is we’re fightin’ for. Since it’s Valentines Day weekend and all, here ya go:
Go forth, fellow travelers on the hottie/douchey path of enlightenment. Another week has passed, and there’s drinking to do.
Friday, February 4, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Here’s HCwDB’s very own orange almost-Legend and former Weekly winner, The Night Oranger. As a gay cop. But still pulling quality party hottness in the form of Sexy Cop Brenda.
So for that, he earns our Friday Mock.
A quiet week for your Humble Narrator. The Night Train is flowing after a brief “health” hiatus where I ate only wheat germ and a plate of mashed yeast crashed and burned with six consecutive trips to In-n-Out Burger. Those are some tasty burgers, Dude.
As to HCwDB’s Mission Quest, the ‘bags continue to doth protest too much, by email and comments threads, which means our mock continues to have potency, even in this unfortunate era of Jersey Shore meta-celebrity.
And for that, our cause remains not only Holy. But Righteous. And Just.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week, Childhood Nostalgia Edition: “When single shines the triple sun/What was sundered and undone/Shall be whole, the two made one/By gelfling hand or else by none.”
In Vegas, even the “Bellagio Bandit” wears douche wear.
I’m working on a spinoff of Jersey Shore right now with Peter Jackson, here’s an exclusive sneak peek.
The Empire Farts Back. Quality cerebral satire for your Friday entertainment.
The Tralfamadorians still love HCwDB.
Since we’re on an 80s nostalgia kick today, there were many arcade games that ruled back in the day. None more so than Journey. Bouncer Bonus Level for the win.
Next thing you know, you’ll tell me Jim Carrey played a heroin addicted Axl Rose acting in a music video based on the Exorcist with a director played by Liam Neeson. In a movie starring Clint Eastwood.
The 80s were trippy times, man. Trippy times.
Here’s your Pear:
It is rustic southern comfort. And the house, too.
Friday, January 28, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humble narrator is sleepy and hungover on this lazy Los Angeles Friday.
Aside from discovering that The Starhawk and King D hang out together while wearing strange contact lenses, I notice something else. Inflatable Cleavite.
I ponder the inner curve of cleavite as something that math, science and biology can never fully describe. For it is a boobie bobble of tender gnaw beyond words and facts. It is “metafondle.”
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Are you kidding? He probably ate his folks!”
The art of trolling, a pictorial story.
Details asks Are you Raising a Douchebag? I think Denis Leary wrote the article.
Tattoo Shirts. Still out there. Still scrotejuggle.
One of our celebrity HCwDB couplings we’ve been tracking, Emmy Rossum and Adam Something from the Something Crows finally broke up. Back in November of last year. But since we don’t really care, it wasn’t that important.
An excellent time waster if you’re bored, with quality writing, the The 50 Greatest Guitar Riffs in Rock. Props for including John Lee Hooker’s “Boom Boom.”
HCwDB’s own Mr. Biggs has almost completed his epic graphic novel, Inferno. Check it out on Facebook.
Follow The King on Twitter. He is a Knicks fan.
Stoned Teenager Order Taco Bell in the Voice of “Elmo.” The kids are all right.
How’s about a little beach pear for your Friday treat?:
A tantalizing reveal of all that is taut and fondle.
