Thoughts and Links
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Friday, January 21, 2011
Friday Thoughts and Links
As Pierre Bourdieu notes, culture and image tribes have long adorned themselves with the markers of status as part of their determinants imposed upon the mating ritual.
A complex series of social, cultural and hierarchical spheres of visual signification meant to establish ritualistic order over coupling and desire.
And yet.
Somewhere along the line, we ended up with this.
Four prong and boobie paint.
And Elijah kicked a lamb.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Ok ladies it’s time for the GRATUITOUS NUDITY. You supply the nudity, and we supply the gratuity.” 
“WTF Beast.” An epic folk anthem for the po-po-mo generation.
Blogger David Medsker sums up HCwDB’s case against Denis Leary and perhaps rightly takes me to task for jumping the gun on my critique without having seen the show. Still, I stand by my thesis.
And so as not to pull a Leary myself, credit given to reader Luis Douchuel, who came up with the title “The ‘Lifestyle’ Takes Its Toll” along with his submission on Monday, and I used it without crediting him. My fault, L.D. All writing on the site should always be given credit to whomever wrote it.
Sabio and the rest of The Bros ™ find gainful employment in Canada as academically trained scholars of antiquity.
Ed Hardy invades iTunes and creates its own Douche App. Just when you thought it was safe to create a playlist.
A blogger asks why Asian guys prefer white chicks, references Four Prong. The answers lie in the spikes.
Only the boldest of ‘bag hunters and huntresses dare venture into the video gallery of London’s “Elite Parties.” Where stupid people overpay by the thousands to run with the goose for a few hours and pretend they’re having fun.
Okay. Lets get to it.
Today, for your serving of firm, glute hindquarters, we’re gonna mix it up:
A theatrical lineup of gnaw for your Friday eve, as we hike upwards and into the 2 out of 7 days that are not like the others.
Enjoy. For the weekend is upon.
EDIT: Some comments in the threads today aren’t immediately appearing due to a new spam filter, but will go up after a short delay. Should be running normally tomorrow.
Friday, January 14, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
If ever we think we’ll run out of HCwDB material, there’s always Vegas. Waiting for us. To comprehend the hottie/douchey dialectics in toto.
Like a buttcheek pimple, it speaks to us.
It says, “do not sit on me or I will burst!” And so I nickname it “Howie” and sit anyway.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?”
Dylan McDermott is…. John Douche.
I’d buy that for $269 Euros! Boobies sell, kids. Boobies sell. (features many naked and glorious not safe for work boobies)
Bachelor Party’s Tom Hanks has a son, and that son is unworthy of having a father who was the lead in Bachelor Party.
Douchebags in the News: Lonnie Morris Stuffs $50s in his pants. Yet another reason why Ohio is on my list of potential douchiest state of 2011.
T-Shirt Company starts a promotion where they’ll take Ed Hardy and Affliction donations and give them to homeless people. First world nations should not be this cruel to the must unfortunate among us.
The Jersey Shore continues to be the greatest spreader of Grieco Virus among the young, and while I share a network with the show, its douchal spread is undeniable.
Finally, there is Pear.
There is glorious Pear.
And then there is Chipped Wall Pear.
It’s like two cushions that sing the praises of the glory of Adonai.
Go forth. For the weekend is upon.
Friday, January 7, 2011Friday Thoughts and Links
I don’t know how choadscrotey up the scale Timothy really is. He’s so damn happy to be alive, but with all that stupid bling, undies poke and nuclear sunglasses, I can’t forgive. Belt buckle and fro makes Timothy a solid stage-2. So ye be mocked, Timothy. Ye are bag.
But why’d I really run the pic with the Friday Links?
Saluting Tiffany.
Her meaty yet taught suckle torso causes whirling dervishes to stop whirling and say “Whaaaa-?” It causes lizard hybrids to shed exoskeleton at confounding and exponential rates. When she turns rapidly to the right or left, her torso and boobs make a noise that sounds vaguely like, “gazzzzhhhhbonga.”
I love her. I will name my next pet fish after her right breast. So I will name it “Fake But I don’t Care.” Which is a strange name for a fish.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Internet Killed the Video Star”
American customs agents ban Canadian wigga wanskta fraudbag from entering the country. My proud tax dollars at work.
A fairly amusing parody of the Situation’s workout vid: Douchebag Workout Video.
The greatest sapphic Semitic Jewess sex scene in cinema history is now in theaters. Go see it. At least since that hot makeout scene between Fanny Brice and Molly Picon in 1922’s musical revue, For A Little Hot Butter!
The Onion honors our first Orange Speaker of the House.
This does not forgive Axe’s role as one of the Seven Founding Members of the Douchoindustrial Complex that began in the early 00s, but credit where credit is due: The Axe Ball Washer is pretty funny.
But you are not here for ads about ball washing. You are here for New Year Pear.
And we will begin this new year with the following quality but tasteful pear shot:
There will be more revealing gnaw to come in the weeks ahead. But for now, we repose with quality.
Friday, October 29, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links: Halloween Edition
I meditate on the ginormous mandana on this Friday before the Hallow’s Eve.
I ruminate.
I postulate.
I crapulate.
And I reach an epiphany: It looks stupid.
But then I realize that young ladies today follow in the traditions of their foremothers, and wear tight red dresses displaying the firmness of suckle boobage.
And all is well in the witching hour.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Book Pick of the Week: “I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all.”
One of the Holy Grails for those of us who grew up in the 80s has finally been released: Footage of Eric Stoltz as Marty McFly.
HCwB’s own Baron Von Goolo pwns Twilight. BvG for the epic uber-win.
T Shirt Hell introduces the Douche Baggins. I should’ve gotten around to making those HCwDB shirts I was gonna design last year. Stupid laziness.
Of all the many “Hot Chicks with” ripoff sites created after HCwDB, none may be odder than Hot Chicks with Big Fish.
If you’re bored and have time to kill this Halloween, you can always watch fifteen minutes of “Bad Ronald.”
HCwDB Halloween Costumes, once the province of readers of this site, are now everywhere: When costume disasters strike on Halloween. I’m a bit bummed it isn’t our collective private mock anymore, but a larger cultural mock is still a good thing.
Speaking of, Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco does his best “Situation.”
The great Roger Ebert pens an engaging look back at Hugh Hefner and Playboy.
But you’re not here for blogs about Playboy. You’re here for the Pear. And while I have no Halloween-centric Pear to offer you upon this Friday, I can offer you this:
It is healing. It is wholesome. It is firm like the finest gouda.
Enjoy. Partake. Serve on a cracker.
For it is Halloween weekend. And the ‘bags are properly mocked.
Friday, October 22, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
If there’s one thing we’ve learned in all our many years of hottie/douchey travels, it’s that hitmen gangstas always pattern coordinate pants with hat.
The real reason for posting this pic? Caroline’s lithe and tasty youthful harmonic boobie curvage of suckle thigh mastication.
I would bungee jump through a mist of helium filled jellyfish just for the chance to almost catch a wad of chewed bubblegum she spit out of a nearby helicopter.
And while I didn’t catch it, I’m pretty sure it was Juicyfruit. No, Big Red.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Halloween Costume Pick of the Week: Just Add Hot Chick.
Greatest YouTube xBox clip of all time: “F@#k you, Gumby!”
Speaking of sports fans, one thing the Yankees continue to lead the league in: Douchey Fans.
And in other sports news, here’s yet another reason why Shaq rules. Kobe, however, is still a douche.
More from England’s hipster backlash.
Or just enjoy some Mad Men Pear. (and no, they’re not your official pear, just your appeartizers)
The Onion with a quality riff on Sorority Woo Hotties.
The Contrarian tracks all the Douchebaggy Ghost Hunters running around on the teevee these days.
Here’s the goofiest congressional candidate since fratdouche Ben Quayle got outed as a co-founder of “The Dirty” (and still might be elected). I don’t like to stereotype entire states, but non-Austin Texas may be the most culturally worthless area of land since Mitch and Murray sold the last of the Glen Ross Estates.
Okay, here it is. You’ve been good. You’ve waited:
Enjoy. Chomp. Meditate. Drink alcohol. For the weekend is here.
Friday, October 15, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Ah yes, the marking of one’s forearm to announce identity and impress the Blondie Hotts.
D.J. culture. Where turning on iPods while standing on a dais earns $1,500 a night.
And so we announce with pride in permanent ink that which is culturally transitory and ephemeral.
Hence, “DJ the Saint.”
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: How’s your wife and my kids?
Darth Maul wears Affliction. Call it the Jedi ‘Bag Trick.
Ubiquitous Red Cups, following the Axe Bodyspray and Jersey Shore self-aware douchebaggery strategy, find new ways to market themselves. And set up a Facebook thing.
Harry Potter Groin Un-Shave Reveal. Should I go for the obvious?… I supposed I should… More like “Hairy Putter!” I hate myself.
Ya gotta sit through a few commercials first, but this episode of “Bones” on Hulu, entitled “The Maggots in the Meathead,” does a beautiful job mocking douchebag (look for the Jesus Bling in the opening sequence and a brilliant ‘bag takedown at 5:25-7:25).
More signs we’re losing the war: “The Situation” continues to cash in.
The response:
With the start of basketball season, it’s time for our annual reminder that the NBA’s Chris Anderson is a shrieking pile of skeezy white trash douchewad. “Free Bird”? Really?
Someone named “Aaron Carter,” whom the reader who submitted this link tells me was once minimally famous, is now posting pics of himself as a greased up musclebag.
In the news: Superdouchey aspiring “rock band” shuts down the 101 freeway in Los Angeles in desperate attempt to gain fame. Zero Rockstar Leniency Rule for this shite.
But you are not here just to mock Chris Anderson and douchey metal bands. You are hear for Pear. It is your reward. For another week of bringing the mock. And here it is:
I would pedal uponst thine glutes like a cracked up ferret chasing a cube of government cheese.
Friday, October 8, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
‘Bags and Hotts float through our collective unconscious like phantasms of spectral toecrud.
It is Freud’s primal scene, the words of corporeal wrongness written on the facebook walls. And twitterbook halls.
The echo in the sound of douchebag.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.”
Miami club owner hoping that the sports fan ‘bags won’t realize it’s a recession, that $15,000 for a cabana and champagne is asstastic, and that hi-def TVs are quite cheaply priced these days.
Billy the Exterminator continues to terrorize small woodland creatures with extreme douchebaggery.
Australia’s wonderful successful victory in the War against Ed Hardy didn’t come without significant financial costs.
Via Reader Joe comes this week in Retro HCwDB: 1959’s Edd Byrnes and Connie Stevens.
For the sports fans among us, baseball’s Bryce Harper busts a douchey-ass faux/mo’.
Ed Hardy pizza boxes. And the baby Cthulhu weeps.
Tapout Clothing, official brand of wannabe M.M.A. douchebags everywhere, attempts to challenge Ed Hardy and Affliction dominance by training the next gen of ‘baglings.
And if that was too much of a downer for ya, there’s always this.
But enough Roddy genius. You’ve come for the pear. And I give you the pear.
Globby bread glute. Enjoy. Celebrate. For it is Pear.
Friday, October 1, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Ah, yes, the energetic power Prius electric vegan combo of alt girls and hipsterbags.
Girls with strange hair dyes and dudes wearing giant wooden necklaces.
They fuel our society like so many online ‘zines and indie bands begging you to iTunes their two minute autotune synth masterpiece so they can finally open for the band opening for Vampire Weekend at that Portland show the drummer’s older brother totally has a connection with.
Because it’s a dream come true, man.
Someday, we’ll all get signed to that label in the sky.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD pick of the week: “Let me go, Barney!”
Maxim Online totally comes up with a hilarious article on douchebag mocking techniques totally on its own through sheer creative writing genius, totally!. Remember kids, if you edit a major magazine and see something funny written on the internets, it’s freeeee to copy!
Las Vegas is now killing tourists with death rays. Say hello to Vegas Ass Kicker’s mom for me.
A reader notes that Alex Trebek’s Jeopardy! stays hip with the kids.
Uniquely American douchebag Spencer Pratt promotes his new movie: Malibu 69 or something. (I only made it 10 seconds, and then I castrated a baby seal).
On Ebay, you can bid on a ‘bag lunch.
This week in HCwDB History: In the mid 19th Century in England, douchebags were called Macaronis. Thus the line from Yankee Doodle Dandy “stuck a feather in his cap and called it Macaroni,” was a mocking English reference to how ignorant Americans were when they tried to, literally, peacock it up for the ladies. See? It all ties together.
Ed Hardy Motorcycle helmets. For when you want your counterculture rebellion mass produced and on sale at a discount online website.
The great Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon riff hilariously on feminine hygene products in 1974.
Bollywood officially pwns Hollywood with the greatest trailer of the year.
Ladies and gentlemen, Young Christopher Walken says everything there is to say.
So from Young Christopher Walken saying everything, there is nothing left to say. We leave the linguistic realm and we go straight to the Pavlovian response:
And:
Go forth. Chase a fleeing Pear. Flee a chasing bear. But, most importantly, celebrate our God given right to alcoholic inebriation. For the Weekend is upon.
Friday, September 24, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humble narrator reclines on his dirty rug and contemplates the waterstains on the wall.
Much like The D.J. Clownscrote Twins, hanging in their basement and attempting to impress Stephanie, if you stare at HCwDB toxicity long enough, they begin to spell out universal truths on their collective abdomens.
Like the fact that no matter how hott a hott chick is, she still has to pee. Or the realization that nectarines are simply angry plums that failed the GRE and have to take remedial courses next summer.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Life clocks are a lie! Carousel is a lie! THERE IS NO RENEWAL!
Eagle eyed reader Johnny Depp Douche tagged a ‘bag license plate on the way to work.
There are many important moments in the 1980s teen sex comedy oeuvre. None are more important than the Zapped fart.
Fellow ‘bag hunters, we must fight harder. We may be losing the war.
More from Douchebaggapalooza 2010: Nickelback and Buckcherry, together in scrote.
Yankee Caps and crime. Like a horse and carriage.
Scientists develop Spray-On Clothing. Important medical development or next-gen douche tool?
Speaking of giant vagina creatures in modern Hollywood action films, is there anything more amusing than Brendan Frasier getting attacked by giant vagina plants in Journey to the Center of the Earth? It’s like a small dose of visualized Freudian theory in the middle of PG-13 wasteland.
The Legend of Gator Face. Not quite what I was expecting.
Luxury Laces. For when douchebags need something else to overspend their parents money on.
This week in Hot Semitic Librarian future ex-wife of the DB1: Michelle Trachtenberg. Mmmm.
But enough about Hot Semitic Librarian types. You know what you came for. And here it is:
Go forth. Go forth and scratch upon this Friday eve. Your humble narrator will be here tomorrow with more mock and more hotts for your approval.
Friday, September 17, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humble narrator is spending this Friday in meditative repose.
The city of angels weeps for the stupid people. But I don’t. I mock them. With you. Together we mock. And the world clarifies a little sharper into focus, even as the blurring of age hazes the margins.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Gamer Pick of the Week: Would you kindly?
Cheers to Australia! The Aussies continue to lead the War On Ed Hardy with a major victory scored. Now stop watching all those crappy British soap opera imports. EastEnders is for tossers.
The actual Ed Hardy gets respect from UCLA and academia. And the ghosts of Adorno and Horkheimer weep.
The Daily Show goes to Staten Island, finds ‘bags, Bleeths and Yankee Caps. The great Wyatt Cenac investigates.
Proto-douches in History: Butch from The Little Rascals.
Yom Kippur is here. I must atone for all my sinful thoughts involving Mila Kunis, a bottle of Jergens, a rubber cheese grater and a small Armenian midget named Antran watching, handing out towels and making sarcastic wisecracks the entire time.
At last Sunday’s Video Music Awards on MTV, Kanye West unveiled his new song, Lets Have a Toast For the Douchebags. I’d like to think last year’s award had something to do with it.
Speaking of pop stars, flash-in-the-pan 2004 one hit wonder John Mayer quits Twitter. He’s taking his bandwidth and going home. And is still a douchebag.
I find Katie Perry as boring and neutered of reality as reading the Washington Post, but I can no longer deny the power of boobies. They are pavlovian pull, even as she continues to offer the blank genericism of castrated pop pablum.
Justin Bieber is the most annoying teen starlet since Gidget.
And this week, as per a reader request, instead of the glories of Ass Pear, you get a special three-treat of side boob gloriousness. Enjoy:
Peek-a-boob in the park.
Peek-a-boob at the beach.
Peek-a-boob by a tree, art style.
Enjoy. Go forth. Conquer. Sip Night Train.
