Gorgeous Nicole Let Her Defenses Down for a Second, and D.J. Suckacrack Was There
In an instant.
For vile and rancid cheek lickage was what D.J. Suckacrack did. Since the Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs circuit had stopped hiring his mediocre skillset.
And somewhere above the hills of Gallelei, the Twin Gods of Thunder (Quet’zota and Joe) gnashed their teeth and sent a monsoon to wipe out a village in southern Africa as retribution for the sins of the human race.
The Broctopus Is Still Checking His Abs
Yeah, I know.
You thought by now The Broctopus and Melinda would’ve at least gone out to the parking lot so he could show her the tricked out Ford Fusion he’s leasing and like not with his mom’s Amex Card even though that’s what Melinda heard from her friend Allie.
Nope.
Still checkin’ the abs.
Only this time he’s smart and all, what with the glasses.
While all poor Asian Kevin wants to do is order a Corona Light.
Juan’s July Fourth Cookout Was Better Than Yours
As Juan might say, “Challo! When not playing in my tribute band to short lived 90s sensation ‘Sublime,’ I like to wear beads and woo the ladies of Cal. State Northridge with my chinny chinn fung. Thanks for stopping by! Can I get you a Fresca?”
No, thank you, Juan. I will, however, awkwardly talk to Suzanne on the left by the BBQ and pretend that yes, I did totally love the Twilight series. And Lisbeth Salander is totally like my hero, too. Until she catches me drooling on her half eaten hamburger, and then excuses herself to go get some watermelon.
Not Cool
Just for the record.
Exotic Dancer Lacey really wishes she didn’t drop out of High School to tour with the Dave Matthews Band back in 1998.
HCwDB After Dark
C’mon in!! It’s HCwDB After Dark!!
Grab an air-beanbag and pull up a seat by the Grecian fire pit.
Would you like a mint julep? I made them myself from real mint juleps.
Try one of the crab cake pastry puffs. It’s a family recipe. We call them “Crab Cake Pastry Puffs.”
Mmmm… good, right?
It’s After Hours
Where we mix our postmodern filmic references like so many late night Tarantino post toe suckle hallucinations.
But the ‘Slap Donkey Douche is still out there.
Still posing for pics.
Fighting the Douche Fight so the rest of us can mock onward until dawn…
EDIT: I’m so drunk on my own Juleps, mixed up my Hall of Scroters for a minute there.
BroDog Hits Vegas!
Lookout, $1 Video Poker Machine in the outer area of the first floor of the Luxor between 8:30 and 10:52pm tonight !!!
The one with the cigarette stains that’s kinda near the bar no one goes to but in front of the giant picture of Penn and Teller, yeah you, Video Poker Machine!!
Get ready!!!
It’s gon’ be off the chain!!!
Ask DB1: Are Sleeve Tatts Autobag?
Reader American Bagger objects to the generalization:
————
Dear Sir,
i’ve written in before and i will undoubtedly start this letter the same way i did my last. that is by saying first and foremost – bravo, sir. bravo. you continue to constantly mock the douche and worship the hotties to the utmost of any of our abilities to do so and for that i do applaud you.
but i’m writing in reference to the picture ‘smug night’. while no doubt a douchebag, i think you totally missed the boat on why he is such a specimen.
while you list “stupid tatt sleeves” and the “hitler chin fung” as his douchal attributes, i can’t help but stare at the bendless brim of his ‘serpentine’ hat and his terrible blue blocker sunglasses.
while i’m not disagreeing with you on the fact that he is a douche to the utmost, i am disagreeing with you on as to why.
no doubt the chin fung is terrible, but this is where my bone is gonna be picked in the form of a question. why to you are all tattoos auto-douche? you even posted my letter last time and told me yourself that all tattoos are not autodouche. so why is smug’s tattoo such an exception to your own rule?
people like myself with one sleeve and one on the way and not a douchebag in any way, shape or form whatsoever kind of take offense to “stupid tatt sleeves” comment.
if you yourself said that all tattoos are not autodouche, please just remember that next time. and you know you’ve seen way many more douchey tattoos than that. his is just a nice japanese 3/4 sleeve. no stars, no stupid sayings or script writing like his douchey hat.
so please, pretty please, lay off the tattoos. some are actually pretty cool.
thanks and i will continue to be a loyal reader either way. and you know this, man.
American Bagger
——
Fair enough, but I have two words regarding the Sleeve Tatt’s fight for legitimacy: John and Mayerbag.
Now I’m not saying sleeve tats can’t walk the stereotype back. But when the Mayerbag is championing the ways of the sleeve tatt, the result is problematic. That being said, douchetattery is found in the obnoxious display of tatts, not inherently in the tatts themselves.
Unless said tatts involve Chinese or Mayan symbols. They be = autodouche.
Where’s Waldouche?: Captain Peen Edition
Somewhere in this rather stilted pic of Captain Peen McSpeedo and Awkward Hardbody Harriet, I’ve carefully hidden a grassy knoll Oswaldian Waldouche.
Look closely.
No, he’s not the dude waving. Look closer.
Can you avoid the Speedo Peen long enough to locate him?
And say what you will about Captain Peen McSpeedo, but his hammock can pull some curvy-ass albeit surgically enhanced Beach Bunnies demonstrating Female Groin Shave Reveal.
The Broctopus Strikes!
Observe the Broctopus in its native habitat — Overpriced Airport Bar #423.
The Broctopus knows that impressing Melinda with its six pack abs can take place at any moment. If the PH balance is right, and you lower the Axe Bodyspray ratio to a suboptimal 1.5 parts per quanta.
Julie Dumps Cookie Monster Guy
Reader and butt chomping hottie hott Julie writes in with a self-tagged HCwDB submission:
—————
Subject: me and a pasty ginger
oh the power of the douche bag. he actually convinced me to date him for a short period of time til i realized i could do WAY better.
– Julie
—————
I’d like to judge you for this one Julie, but, like Garth before me, I’ve always had a creepy fixation on Bugs Bunny in a dress. So I’m not really one to judge here.
