HCwDB of the Month
It may be the post July 4th-ish weekend, but that don’t mean the Mock stops. The Monthly is here. And it is important.
So stop that silly “work” thing. Put down all that you do. And get to votin’.
Your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Clifford the Big Red ‘Bag and Bethany and Brittney
Clifford may at first seem like this unholy crimson coelacanth of douchebaggery. You think, he has to be faking it.
But let it be clear.
The evidence does not show a Halloween party or any sort of costumic dress up on the part of the backround participants in the evening’s festivities.
Therefore we can conclude that this is not dressup, and is indeed, douche.
For logic dictates, and by dicktates I mean dicktaters, that no ironic dressup could possibly include shrunken nads inside of tight-ass jean shorts.
Clifford is pure douche essence. And deserved to be mocked accordingly.
Mmmm… tiny Bethany and Brittany.
How your lack of conversational skills is made up by your ability to do shots and “Woo” every time the D.J. plays Katy Perry. And Katy Perry sucks. But I pretend to like it and offer to buy you a Mai Tai.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Mr. Hawk Doesn’t Deserve This and Hottie Heather
For sheer hotchickery, there may be no competition in this Monthly contest, for Hottie Heather delivers Mayan Eye of Coitus on a number of thematic, structural and esoteric levels.
We also can’t diminish the douchal power of the stupid Hawk.
For it is very stupid.
No less so than when combined with some strange ironic suit and tie wearage.
Lame.
Not to mention, Mr. Hawk and Hottie Heather, together, remind us of one of the most offensive HCwDB photos in the history of the site.
For all these factors, they must be considered in the Monthly for sheer toxic amplification that goes beyond the quantification of their ‘bag/hott substrata.
But enough to win the hallowed HCwDB of the Month? There’s two more finalists to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Roastbeefer and the Nikita Twins
For pure overpriced bottle poppin’ noxious classic douchebaggery, is there anything more culturally destructive than shiny penis pants in presence of paid-to-party hot chicks like the Nikita Twins?
I think not.
And lets not forget a week later, when part two of The Roastbeefer’s beefing came our way.
Here’s one hoagie covered in the societal molds, spores and fungi’s of Egon’s hobby collection.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Manos: The Pecs of Fate and Back Arch Marsha
Vegas spectacle rounds out our quite potent HCwDB of the Month, as Manos: The Pecs of Fate horrifies old ladies and cauterizes poodle nads without antiseptic.
Don’t forget the second part of our two-part drive-in extravaganza: Manos,The Pecs of Fate II: Ass Pear Reveal Thigh Grab.
Back Arch Marsh has all sorts of douchadox slutsappeal, and cannot be dismissed as potent H.C., regardless of trashiness.
But can they win the Weekly?
I honestly have no idea who’s going to win and earn a spot in our hallowed HCwDB of the Year in December.
So I need your vote. Which of these four couplings most (dis)embodies the spirit of Hottie/Douchey dialectics?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
üllar jörberg’s Mustache Says Happy July 4th!
C’mon!! Everyone do the Kutse Tantsule!!
Douchebag Makes Ironic Video Called “Douchebag,” Still a Douchebag
Calling others “douchebags” when you’re a heaping serving of douchebag does not inure you from indictment based on your own merits of douchebaggery.
So enjoy this mix of pop pretentious runny doggie poop squat as we relax and sip some Pibb on this July 4th Weekend.
Comment of the Week: Choad the Douche Sprocket
From back on Monday, in the Stay Tuft Marshmallow Man thread, longtime ‘bag slayer Choad The Douche Sprocket wins this week’s coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week:
——
Have you ever consumed too much milk, vanilla milkshakes, white bread, and extra-sharp, non-carotene-colored, fine white, well-aged Vermont cheddar cheese throughout an entire day…perhaps whilst watching your boxed set of Masterpiece Theatre’s Upstairs-Downstairs episodes…and then had to take a dump approximately twelve hours later?
If you have — assuming your bowels could move after such a repast — and then looked in the toilet bowl after your extended, forced contribution, what you would see would closely resemble Marshmallow Man’s steamy, putrid visage.
I speak from experience in such matters.
And BTW, she has a nice rack.
——
Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humble narrator finds himself wandering homeward. Backward through space and time. Back to the land of Stanley Cup champeens and really stupid accents.
Yup. My ass is in Boston.
Home of Mama DB1. And July 4th Weekend. So while I plan for a weekend of New Hampshirian relaxation, here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Meteor shit!”
Odious and pathetic rodeo clown and jizzmaster of HCwDB wannabe “The Dirty,” the uberdouchey “Nik Ritchie” is peddling a hilarious book proposal. “Nik Ritchie is this decade’s Lenny Bruce” for the ballpunch. Ritchie’s wannabe celebrity crash-and-burn arc is as enjoyable as it is long overdue. Up next: Weblebrity Rehab.
This is not a workout. It’s a homoerotic revolution.
HCwDB legend Joey Porsche makes it into Cracked Magazine’s 7 Things Good Parents Do That Screw Kids Up for Life.
Quentin Tarantino likes to suck ladies’ feet while playing with himself. But you already knew that.
A Los Angeles scenester goes to Vegas and discovers A place of supposed anti-douche. A retro arcade club called “Insert Coins”.
The generational passing of the Grieco virus: From Mohrbag to Bieber.
The pathetic last days of Stackhouse the Poet: Stackhouse The Poet in “Wikipedia is a Fraud.” It’s just getting sad.
But you are not here to watch Stackhouse descend into parody, sullen moodiness and rapid aging, you are here for Pear:
First up, a little Accidental Helicopter Pear.
And if that’s not enough for your July 4th BBQ Weekend, hows about some Corona Pear.
Like two paid-to-pose loafs of Challah bread wrestling over the check.
Enjoy. For the Weekend is Uponst.
Nayara and the Grapefruits
We’ll give Nayara only a stage-1 or early stage-2 doucher status for the stupid tatts, crotch-thrusting method of pose, and stupid buzz haircut.
As to the Grapefruits, like firm, lucious mellons of the biblical fruit of Moses wandering pluck slap, they feed baby suckle happy penguin feet dance like only the purest of Sissyfusian ambrosia and nectar wrung from the hand towel of Aphrodite after her last kegger.
Friday Haiku
Some men are from Mars;
These women are from Venus.
He’s from Uranus.
His Hardy undies
are lined with Saturn’s rings and
Jupiter’s brown eye.
– Wheezer
These girls look as if
Tropical fish got their wish
To be human Bleeths
– Vin Douchal
Tilted camera
Meant to make scene look edgy
Next time use an axe
– Mr. Scrotato Head
PTP Hottie
On left looks a bit dismayed.
Barbizon School lied.
– Wedgie
Did this bar do right
thing and plant Venus Flytraps
just above the bar?
– Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
The Photographer
used a “dutch angle”; but Tim
asked for “dutch rudder”…
– everything but the gonad
Jean Jacket Pukoffsky
Jean Jacket Pukoffsky used to run with a motor cycle gang out of Baton Rouge.
You know the type. Liked to drink Schlitz by the caseload. Then smell each others underwears like truffle-searching French piglets hopped up on No-Doze.
Jean Jacket Pukoffksy. Could smell the cough syrup melting on the dashboard of his Hyundai at 2am in the parking lot of a Jack-in-the-Box.
Used to run with a girl named Daisy. Whose lips were the color of melted Grape-Ape koolaid spilled out the back of a police cruiser.
Daisy.
Her legs were long like, thickets of brambleberry hot dogs back to back off a links truck.
That all ended when an old southern Colonel named Tom McGee got so loaded one Arbor Day that he attempted to milk the Mayor’s chickens, causing the whole town to get quarantined by the C.D.C. over an Asian swine lupus outbreak.
I never did find that packet of Marlboros again. But I sure did try. I sure did try.
This post brought to you by “Random Tom Waits Song Lyric Generator.”
New! From Mattel.
The Nipple That Ruined All of Human Achievement and the Mocked All Accomplishments of the Species
And there it is.
Tube Sock Frolic
As we gear up for the July 4th weekend, here’s a nostalgic clip from way back in 2006. When HCwDB was first beginning, and the Douche Frolic was still in a state of pure Brawndo drinking idiocracy.
Like Flaherty’s Nanook of the North or Grierson’s portrayals of working class British families, we find documentary artifact as preservation of the authentic even as the historical moment passes.
