Dubai ‘Bag Laughs at You
Remember kids:
Every time you fill up your car with gasoline, you help another greasy Dubai douchebag order overpriced bottle service for the ladies.
Go electric.
It’s not just about the environment.
It’s about defunding douchebag nightlife.
This P.S.A. brought to you by Partnership For a Douchebag Free Environment (PFDFE). (Pronounced “Pufadefe”)
Pop Quiz: Identify the Beachtatt Pud
Using only the thigh tatts of this hovering Beachtatt Pud about to offer the lady a Bud Light Lime, name that ‘Bag:
A. Greased up alternate emo Punker Choadmuscle
B. Classic Jersey fist pumper raisin flushstain
C. Bartender facially funged Scottsdale orange tanned backwash
D. Diaper wearing bald glasses wearing hipster nerdbag
Mr. Lickeywipe Approves
Mr. Lickeywipe approves of his fellow formally named Mr. Hawk winning the HCwDB of the Week.
Party Girl Hannah, she of the swollen, almost alien, mamms, once made out with Heather in a bathroom at Katsuya. So she approves as well.
This pic is just making me feel dirty. Lets move on.
HCwDB of the Week: Mr. Hawk Doesn’t Deserve This and Hottie Heather
Last week we had a Doggie ‘Baggin’ Old Bag (‘Eyyyy!) and a greasy bar puker. A clubbed out Brothabag with a Mocha Princess and Creepy Mutant Douchelips hitting on Cheerleader Hotts.
But among them all, no cohabit felt as legitimately wrong as Mr. Hawk’s tie wearing stupid hair kissing of doe eyed Hottie Heather.
And while there may have been stronger douchegaggers from last week, and some equivalently hottie hotts, it’s the combination en toto that defines the Boobie/Scrotey Dialogics.
And by En Toto, I mean Roseanna.
Chalk up Sir Hawk and Heather for the next Monthly, as your humble narrator stumbles around his dirty-ass living room and wonders about investing in a Dyson. Even if that Dyson guy is way creepy in the ads.
Douche Rap
Yet more from the cottage industry of post-HCwDB douche humor, here’s a mildly amusing rap, even if it beats the joke into the ground like a post-Monolith star ape discovering a bone can be a weapon.
And here’s another one from French Canada.
The Mock spreads in many languages and cultures. And that’s always a good thing.
Comment of the Week: Nancy Dreuche on Peen Reveal
In the Jimmy’s Stupid Lips thread, Nancy Dreuche wins the coveted Comment of the Week by summing up the various perverted ways that men may show women their phallus:
——
Painting a picture of your peen and giving it to a woman you’ve been cyber stalking for over a year. Artistic Pervert. Paper machéing a replica of your peen and giving it to your high school sweetheart. Romantic Pervert. Using your peen as the inspiration for your next building design to impress all the women (and a few men) in that city. Architectual Pervert. Alluding to your peen as “Jesus sized”. RevChad Pervert. Making multiple peen references around a woman you just met. Nervous Pervert.
—–
Friday Thoughts and Links
Douches with ‘hawks and licky tongue are like a festering pus pimple on the fleshy ass check of civilization.
That is my only deep thought on this Friday aft’.
That, and Sun Chips are chip crack for the soul.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week:“Hi. Ed Ramsey from Delos. If there’s anyone who doesn’t know what Delos is, well, as we’ve always said: Delos is the vacation of the future, today.”
If you’re interested in keeping up with the goings on of your humble narrator, I’m Jewcy.
Speaking of your humble narrator, ever wonder what I dream about at night? Now you know.
Hidden boobcam on hot French Chick proves earth revolves around sun.
Long overdue: Teens set each other on fire. Back in the 80s, we just put Snaps up our nose.
Suburban White Jerzeybags watch a Tornado, call each other “Nigga.”
Reason #53 why Japan pwns our asses.
Nothing promotes the new season of a show quite like Douche Fights.
If Jim Carrey can bomb horribly on the Tonight Show in 1983, there’s hope for all of us.
Odious Oldbag Sir Ivan makes me want to cauterize my nads with a flaming q-tip. What a heaping pile of flaming poo this elephant sack is. Watch “The Dungeon” clip at your own risk.
But you are done mocking Oldbags and you want your reward. Here it is:
That pretty much visualizes my first erotic dream when I was nine. So for that, I salute with a HoHo and sail off into Friday ‘eve satiated and scratchy.
Mr. Hawk Does Not Deserve This
In some weird alternate universe of inverted quark spin, a place where Tom Wolfe inspired Masters of the Universe asswipes dominate the financial industries while sporting giant greasy mohawks, Mr. Hawk scores Hottie Heather.
And the space/time continuum collapses into a singularity of suck.
Friday Haiku
Brought to you by DarkSock:
Mom and Jackson 5
Get busy in prom Limo;
Finger Lickin’ Good
Slumdog Hundredaire
Picks his nose new school style
Milf mom looks to escape
– Et Tu Douche
Mmm licking fingers
Taste like curry and shitwipe
Trunk ride on way back
– Vin Douchal
Osmond family
has its reunion ruined
by Jermaine Jackson
– Medusa Oblongata
Last ditch attempt to
Kick out the gay involves forced
Orgy with white chicks.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Devry Institute
prom van. Earn degree in stink
finger in 3 weeks.
– Cool Hand Douche
Hold on a second.
If the driver is back here,
Then who is drive- AAAAAUUUUUGGHHH!
– Jacques Doucheteau
HCwDB After Dark: King Douchuous the IV Edition
Pull up a sofa chair and grab a fried Twinkie from the kitchen!! It’s HCwDB After Dark.
Where we sip quality box wine, kick off our shoes, and meditate on the hottie/douchey dialectics.
Today, we consider the King once again. For there are many carriers of the Grieco Virus in 2011.
Few are as epic as The King.
Even Brunette Mandy can’t survive the douchal radiation for long. Soon, Pink Hat Tilt and groin shave reveal bikini drop emerge.
Not that there’s anything wrong with groin shave reveal bikini drop on a Woo Hottie. It’s called the Douchadox. And it is hypocritical inconsistency at its most suckle thighish.
