Captain Shnook Sails The Hottie Seas
We first met 19th Century literary douche legend, Captain Shnook, a few weeks ago, right around the New Year.
Lest we forget, Captain Shnook’s chin fungy creepiness still sails onward until dawn by light of the early frosted dew.
Still orange.
Four Prong: Superstar
The Prong may not have won the 2010 Douchie Award for HCwDB of the Year. So close. But yet so spikely far. But 4P has won entrance into our hallowed Hall of Scrote.
And did win two other well earned Douchie Awards, and shows no sign of de-spiking in 2011.
Here we find the extremely rare and noteworthy Unearned Dog Tags Over Douche-Tie look.
And all that with bonus Shrinky Dink star decal.
Melanie is a stage-4 Bleether. There is no recovery, despite her shapely form. Sadly, the Pronger reaching stratospheres of surreal ‘baguousness means her chances of recovery are slim to de-boobally nil.
The Biebpocalypse
New Rule:
Any feature or display of windswept Bieberhair by anyone purporting to be heterosexual in presence of hot chick results in an immediately and irrevocable autodouche.
I don’t care how normal you otherwise seem. Autodouche.
Cassandra and her slightly less hot sister Nicole both make a rustic wood cabin a perfect setting for tree hump and pensive repose.
Somewhere, Out There, He Still Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks
I’m the laziest HTMLer out there, but eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that the Hall of Scrote has finally been updated to include last year’s HCwDB of the Year finalists, Mister Liptatt, The Sharkbag and the odious winner (loser), Stackhouse the Poet.
While I was doing cleanup, I found a bunch of He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks posts from 2008 that never made it into the Hall, so that’s been updated as well.
As we celebrate the isolation and spaying of the odious Stackhouse the Poet, it’s well worth checking out our first poet laureate, our 2008 Douchie Winner for Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy, and a visionary dreamer who does not breathe what you breathe:
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I wasn’t born to work.
Other people were born to do what I want them to do.
A single hour of my life is worth more than a whole year of a person’s.
I don’t breathe what you breathe.
We are not the same.
I’m not going to work a 9 to 5 and then come back home and have bills to pay with tons of debt from a $400k house that will take me 20 years to pay off. I sure as hell ain’t living in an apartment either. People WILL build my 20 bedroom, 8 bathroom, 8 garage MANSION, and they WILL love doing it.
This way I shall have MY time to do the things that matter as I leverage others’ times to do things that I want them to do.
I’m going to be treated like a PHARAOH and people WILL love slaving themselves to my demands.
Activities: Anything I want to do…
Interests: I’m not here to make friends..I’m here to f@#k bitches and get money.
—–
Melvin Grows Chin Pubes
Melvin’s so proud of his carefully groomed tri-vag configuration, he’s provided us with the by now classic douche self portraiture tradition, the Cell Phone Bathroom Douche-Pose.
Charlene is so expensive a first date hott, your future kid’s college fund just went poof. With apologies to Ray Davies, all for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek. And maybe a crotch fondle if you’re lucky.
Carla and “The Bros” ™
“The Bros” ™ follow three rules in life, and only three rules:
1. Wherever they go, they travel together. Even Sabio’s studio apartment when he’s tweakin’ the booty bump.
2. Shirtlessness at all times is a priori de facto word up, yo.
3. Transcendental meditation is but the gateway to the Godhead, the glorious om can never be verbalized or conceived, only experienced.
The “Lifestyle” Takes Its Toll
On stupid stogie smoking mandana douchebags and former boobie hottie suckle thighs, lost to the ways of Bleeth, alike.
The price is paid at all ends.
And by ends, I mean bungspew.
The Orange Swirl
Lo! Behold! Whither the brown cow of mooing soul? It is the Southwest, and Juliet has a really bad tan.
Howst uponst thine hottie/douchey singularity canst you suck s’more?
Hardy shorts and orange Bleeth do cohabit to form a singularity of Godless ballwash.
Hark!
Mine eyes shut in rebellion, yet the image stain lingers.
“The Ninja In the Picture” Responds to HCwDB’s Hatters
Last week’s Yo Guy Says “Yo!” responds to the Hatters:
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THE NINJA IN THE PICTURE said…
First off….. F#ck all of yall, you can kiss my asian ass, dont be hatin because you could never find girls like my friends to even give you the time of the day….. f#cking losers find something better to do besides sitting on the computer to looking to find some hot girls to jack off too….. Same goes to the mother f#cker that created this website, you lame f#ck!!!.
I live in Austin TX, come find me and hurtle a fist towards your face!!!
——-
In High School, I almost set the school record for the fifty yard Hurtle A Fist Towards Your Face. But at the last minute, the East German judge disqualified me for trying to find some hot girls to jack off too.
HCwDB of the Week: The Stay Puft Pantywankers
Undies poke, Jesus bling, chin fung and stupid hair. On the flip side, boozy, collegiate making-bad-choices Arizona State woo slutty hotts who slur their words, drink too much, but are healthy and firm when it counts.
Not a perfect hottie/douchey dialectic, by any stretch, as they are pretty much made for each other, but a qualifying combo of douchetributes and boobies, and, thus, a Weekly Winner.
While I almost gave it to Douchey Juan and Monica for the tasty hott but strangely dressed Monica, Juan just wasn’t douchey enough to carry it.
Last week featured some quality Guggenheim material for my inevitable art show in 2023. And also some top shelf collegiate sorority gnaw. But Classic Vegas pudscrape and Arizona State Woo Slutty Hotts are a classic combo for the win (loss).
(Dis)honorable mention to the oldbags of Billy and Willy, and Quartasian Sara also makes my tingleys feel jibbly.
