Friday Thoughts and Links
‘Bags and Hotts float through our collective unconscious like phantasms of spectral toecrud.
It is Freud’s primal scene, the words of corporeal wrongness written on the facebook walls. And twitterbook halls.
The echo in the sound of douchebag.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.”
Miami club owner hoping that the sports fan ‘bags won’t realize it’s a recession, that $15,000 for a cabana and champagne is asstastic, and that hi-def TVs are quite cheaply priced these days.
Billy the Exterminator continues to terrorize small woodland creatures with extreme douchebaggery.
Australia’s wonderful successful victory in the War against Ed Hardy didn’t come without significant financial costs.
Via Reader Joe comes this week in Retro HCwDB: 1959’s Edd Byrnes and Connie Stevens.
For the sports fans among us, baseball’s Bryce Harper busts a douchey-ass faux/mo’.
Ed Hardy pizza boxes. And the baby Cthulhu weeps.
Tapout Clothing, official brand of wannabe M.M.A. douchebags everywhere, attempts to challenge Ed Hardy and Affliction dominance by training the next gen of ‘baglings.
And if that was too much of a downer for ya, there’s always this.
But enough Roddy genius. You’ve come for the pear. And I give you the pear.
Globby bread glute. Enjoy. Celebrate. For it is Pear.
Lauren and Rachel Choose Poorly at the Dartmouth Freshman Mixer
But, in their defense, Lauren’s had a thing for Top Gun glasses since she was six.
Actually, that’s no defense at all. Someone call their R.A.
The Kettlehead Goes “The Full Khan”
HCwDB non-legend, 2009’s non-winning zombified singular eyebrowed Kettlehead is still demanding he receive the societal mock he feels he deserves.
Even if it means going The Full Khan with his chest-shave and grease.
Even if it means bringing an innocent and extremely tasty Persian hott to the equation.
And a little person named Tony. Who just wanted a cocktail.
Friday Haiku
A ‘stache, a bourbon,
A young girl’s buttocks fondled,
By Snidely Liprash.
One has to think she
Could do better than the lost
Mario Brother.
— The Goob the Bag and the Pudly
Boris Bagenov
goes home alone; smells like moose,
hung like a squirrel.
— Wheezer
Ripe chestnuts tainted,
Jesus bling and Ron Burgundy,
Tom Selleck only weeps.
— Scroto Baggins
Mina grinds her teeth
Fatty Rollie Fingers Gropes
Humanity Weeps
— THEONETRUEDOUCHE
Salvador Dali’s
Grandson, “Vic” chews through beaver
Just like it was wood
— saulgoode42
Jimmy Hoffa’s Grave
Not in Crimson Hott’s Cleavage
Back off Geraldouche!
— dknutty
you do not pass go
instead directly to jail
Monopoly man
— paperorplastic
King Douchuous the IV Reigns Onward
Heavy is the douche that wears the crown.
Boobies are the blonde whose belly uponst I gnaw.
Ask DB1: Fwippy Hair
——
Hey DB1,
While this email could really pertain to any one single adouchetribute, I’m writing in concerned about fwippy hair.
I have a problem with my hair, in that due to it’s thickness and generally lame straightness, I am forced to either look like a dark blond Q-Tip, or make my hair fwippy.
While I realize that we’re on a slippery slope that must have careful attention paid to avoid total destruction, and that in the past a single scrotetrait isn’t necessarily enough to call ‘bag, I do realize that things like fwippy hair are always visible and thereby invite constant mock, whereas the thousand ‘bag stare or the ‘bag headlock might only present in the presence of the hottie boobie suckle thigh, and thereby hide dormant.
What should guys like me do who want to not look like complete idiots and yet avoid accidental mocking? Is there an out clause?
— Arch Douche Ferdinand
—–
Fwippy Hair in and of itself is usually not enough to mark ‘bag, but it is an early warning indicator. However, if your hair has a permanent fwip, there is some leeway in terms of mocking. You just must be extra careful about hand gestures, sneery lips and douche-face in the presence of any and all hotties you come into contact with.
Spot the Differences!
Okay kids, time to play another round of the game that’s sweeping the nation… Spot the Differences!
In this hottie/douchey Vegas swirl of toxic poo, I’ve carefully hidden over eleventeen subtle differences that highlight the decay of culture and bankruptcy of human endeavor.
Can you spot them all?
Lonnie Busts a Move
And he calls it “Greasy Chests for Peace.”
I see you, three munchable party girlkins, Sue, Suzy and Suzanne. One pensive. One giggly. And one shouting “Woo!” all the way to the bathroom. As I approve of the genetic gifts offered by the potential of your wombs, I awkwardly offer to buy you an appletini and then fondle your jacket and stare at the small of your back when you’re distracted.
Caption This Pic
After her fifth shooter, Steve’s tattoo led him to bust out his favorite pickup line on Sophie, “Wanna see my jigsaw nuzzle?”
(Provide your preferred caption in the comments thread)
Ask DB1: Relationship ‘Bags
———
DB1,
I would love to get some clarification from you on an issue that has caused me much consternation and heartache lo these many years.
Is a person who bears all the physical and spiritual hallmarks of a garden variety douche (see attached – white sunglasses, Ed Hardy, hand gestures, inordinate # of gaudy tats, arm hooking a smoking hottie, etc) still a douche if said hottie is his actual steady girlfriend and not just an unlucky bystander who was wandering too closely when the camera came out?
Does he get a nottadouche pass just because he doesn’t randomly grope any poor girl within reach or is he in a sense guilty by association for merely presenting the unseemly facade of a douchebag?
In my mind, this begs the question of which is worse: the true douchebag or the poser who merely aspires to portray the douchebag lifestyle? Does douchiosity transcend the outward appearance or is that indeed from where it springs? These are the questions that haunt my dreams.
Sincerely yours,
Confused
——-
Monogamous coupling in no way invalidates douchal behavior in public when the individual in question’s behavior is douchey, Confused. It merely diminishes the chances/opportunity for the ‘bag to act ‘baggy.
In fact, douches who are in a relationship yet still find opportunities to douche it up with their lady for neighboring cameras are, on many levels, even more douchey, since they lack the base seduction motive as at least a pseudo-justification for their scrotal choices.
