Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week

Our last Weekly before the Monthly brings three quality cuts of choice U.S.D.B. disapproved hottie/douchey slabs. Three may enter, but only one may taint supreme.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Squid Brothers and the Squee Girls

And lets not forget Bernie Squid going solo.

The Squid Brothers are classic Miami “hustler” poo. As such, they are to be mocked, and then kicked out of the Armani store on Miami Beach Drive. Because it’s closing. And enough already.

On the flip side, the Squee Girls are raunchy Hooters hott. The type you hate yourself for desiring, then get too drunk to care. I’d don linen bedsheets dressed only in a mumu and with my face and upper shoulder area painted in dayglo Bosnian oils depicting small birds and woodland creatures until Becky Sue called her BFF Monica and asked if I had had a troubled childhood.

And then I would fall asleep, softly whimpering in her detached garage which her parents had planned to turn into a one bedroom until Timmy left for the ROTC.

Do I babble over boobies?

Damn straight I do. I blame my early obsession with the Hot Chick on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood who always talked to King Friday.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz

Never has a more appropriate name been bestowed upon a young ‘bagling than we find with Mr. Punchmyfacekowitz’s moniker.

Clearly, classic ‘bag attributes are brought forth in spades in this pic.

And by spades, I mean neuters.

So we can all agree that Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz deserves to please have his face punched. Kowitz.

But what of Tonya? Surely, she’s got real world attributes enough to carry some level of HC to balance the equation.

But enough older sister pro-am skater sexy to win the Weekly?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny

This was a tough one. While Jed the Creepy Wankscrote clearly is one of the most shocking of the next-gen emo cookie ear creepazoid freakshow douchescrotes to ever be featured on the site, Penny’s braces just make me uncomfortable.

She’s either fourteen, or nineteen. I can’t tell anymore.

So I was gonna disqualify the pic on account of Penny being highly probably underage, and hottie lusting really should begin at no earlier than ambiguously 18. However if this ain’t HCwDB in all its disturbing imagery, I don’t know what is. So it’s in. It’s made the cut. But lets focus on douche mocking here.

Either way, Jed will be elligible at the 2010 Douchies in the Most Likely to Give the Herp to a Farm Animal category .

Also likely to appear at the 2010 Douchies in one of the Hott categories: The tasty oiled up perfection of Dr. Rosentongue’s Maureen.

So them’s your three. Which rises to the occasion of most disturbing HCwDB pic?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Vulva Cologne

For when a man wants to smell like a woman’s hooha.

No More "Big Eye Joe"

Bianca writes in about Thursday’s BigEye Joe:

—-

Douchebag1,

Bianca-

—–

And a few minutes later:

——

P.S.

SECTION 3344-3346

——-

Wow, $750 times the number of professional actors in that pic? I’ll owe the equivalent of the amount of trees cut down to make a yearly printing of the dollar bill.

Or something like that.

No More “Big Eye Joe”

Bianca writes in about Thursday’s BigEye Joe:


—-

Douchebag1,



While I absolutely admire your self-depricating humor, I’m requesting that you remove the picture posted on April 6, 2010 from your site.



This photograph is my property, and was posted on your site without my permission. I, nor any of the people in this photo, give you the legal right to post this on your site.



I appreciate your professionalism and respect for intellectual property.



Sincerely,



Bianca-

—–


And a few minutes later:



——

P.S.



Please familiarize yourself with the California law I’ve below.



I am giving you no more than 24 hours to remove my photograph from your site.



If said photograph remains associated with “Hot Chicks with Douche Bags”, I will file a complain with the L.A. Superior Court, and you will hear from my attorney.



Thank you for your cooperation.



“…without such person’s prior consent, or, in the case of a minor, the
prior consent of his parent or legal guardian, shall be liable for
any damages sustained by the person or persons injured as a result
thereof. In addition, in any action brought under this section, the
person who violated the section shall be liable to the injured party
or parties in an amount equal to the greater of seven hundred fifty
dollars ($750) or the actual damages suffered by him or her as a
result of the unauthorized use, and any profits from the unauthorized
use that are attributable to the use and are not taken into account
in computing the actual damages…”



THAT’S > $750 X THE NUMBER OF PROFESSIONAL ACTORS ON SAID PHOTOGRAPH WHOSE IMAGE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO USE NOR ASSOCIATE WITH YOUR DOUCHEBAG WEBSITE.



CIVIL CODE
SECTION 3344-3346

——-



Wow, $750 times the number of professional actors in that pic? I’ll owe the equivalent of the amount of trees cut down to make a yearly printing of the dollar bill.



Or something like that.

Your Saturday Joey Porsche

Some theorized that greased-up HCwDB legend, and 2007 HCwDB of the Year winner, Joey Porsche (pictured on the right) had the passing scrotological brilliance of a meteorite falling to earth.

A meteorite made out of poo.

A taint-comet of trailblazing hair grease and macking on the Long Island hotts with choady genius. Only to disappear as douchily as he came, passing forever into the ether.

Worry not, fellow ‘bag mockers.

The Porsche drives onward into 2010. With his ‘bag posse and trampy gnaw hotties there, to entertain us with the promise of endless future mock.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Some days, the sun is out. Other days, it rains. And some days, Jed The Creepy Wankscrote at the beach hits on Penny the Barely Legal. And God weeps an existential tear.

Your humble narrator apologizes for the late Friday Thoughts and Links, my fellow travelers on the ‘bag mocking and hottie gnawing pathways of life. I was in midair, having just flown to Boston, and thus spent the past five hours marveling at the lack of hott flight attendants these days.

I thought they all looked like Zooey Deschanel in Almost Famous. Guess not.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB’s legendary Vin Douchal composes an ode to 2009 Hall of Hott finalist Francine. “I’d still do you if you were a tranny, give you a reacharound while boning your fanny” for the epic lyric win.

Buy Vin Douchal’s HCwDB Tracks on iTunes and support a dedicated ‘bag hunter.

Kids are now lighting each other on fire with Axe Bodyspray. About time.

Ghetto Preacher He ain’t worried, beyoch!

Jordano hopes for a “carrer” in fashion and modeling.

HCwDB gets cited in the footnotes of a peer reviewed academic journal. Academia must account for the potency of the cultural critique and deconstructions of the signifier offered by Hottie/Douchey dialectics if there is to be any accounting for the culture industry in the transmedial age.

The future Queen of England, Katie Price, wears Ed Hardy while riding. Off with ‘er head!

Piano Chat Improv Guy justifies YouTube. But not Chatroulette. Which is stupid and creepy.

The great Billy Zabka has a cameo in Hot Tub Time Machine. For those into 80s John Cusack comedies, check out my trip to Lane Meyer’s Better Off Dead house, back in the halycon days of the site, 2007.

Ed Hardy teams up with Lindsey Lohan. To spread crotch itch both literal and figurative.

Props to Yep Yep for acknowledging HCwDB’s trailblazing role as the first of its kind.

As does blogger Johnny Utah, who give HCwDB proper credit in the ‘bag mocking timeline.

Mos Def on Yo Gabba Gabba teaches the kids about the positive effects of drugs.

And finally, for all your hard work once again, I give thee not one, but two quality ass pears to carry forth unto Shabbat:

Coquettish Pear. Bashful, with a touch of coy. I would nibble lightly, and with pensive antipathy.

And Off-Off-Broadway Pear. More entertaining than a Neil LaBute play about misogyny’s corrossive effect on the modern male.

Go forth, fellow mockspians. Go forth and ferret out Grieco Virus, in whatever form you find it. For the weekend is atwixt and upon and apear. And it is good.

The Cast of "One Tree Hill" Looks for Employment

Times are tight in Hollywood. Working actors gotta make ends meet, know what I’m sayin?

But I see the black sheep of the Chan family managed to convince one of the shots girls to lick off the residual glitter from tonight’s performance.

Good for you, Kevin. So sorry to hear your angry parents have now put their faith in your younger brother Patrick, currently at M.I.T., to carry on the family name. But that’s the price you pay for livin’ the dream.

The Cast of “One Tree Hill” Looks for Employment

Times are tight in Hollywood. Working actors gotta make ends meet, know what I’m sayin?



But I see the black sheep of the Chan family managed to convince one of the shots girls to lick off the residual glitter from tonight’s performance.



Good for you, Kevin. So sorry to hear your angry parents have now put their faith in your younger brother Patrick, currently at M.I.T., to carry on the family name. But that’s the price you pay for livin’ the dream.

Friday Haiku

Greasy Rockerbag,

“Left chin pubes on green.”

No reader updates,

DB1 is at airport,

JetBlue wifi fail.

I see a Bleeth girl

Already in position

For peeing in butt

– Mr. White

————

Saturday updates:

Wholesome flesh pretzel

Salted with Axe and Grey Goose…

Now, not gnawable.

– fidouchiary responsibility

Its twisted Twister

As a Douche gropes his sister

Next pic he kissed her!

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Douche with stringy hair

Thinks he has hit the jackpot

Taint begs to differ

— Fyodor Dostedouchesky

Doctor Wankenstein

Does what others only think:

*Her* face with *Her* ass

— saulgoode42

Tangled, twisted mess

of grease, sweat, and firm round ass

baking in the sun.

— Bagnonymous

When this bunch gets through,

It will redefine this game.

Henceforth, called Blister.

— scrotum pole

This not the best time

for starting up a new game

of Chutes and Bladders.

— Wheezer

Arms and legs flail.

See-through shorts begin to droop.

Get me a hot dog.

— Claude Douchenburg

Ask DB1: Are Bodybuilders Bodybags?

—-

DB1,

Sincerely MJS.

—-

We define douchebaggery as the transformation of the body into spectacle to attract attention, so by that definition, yes, anyone who excessively works on their body beyond the point of good health or physique, qualifies.

However, as we see with Lumpy here, and his distant cousin, the late, great Pumpy, good humor and good cheer can go a long way towards mitigating any inherent douche classification.

So I will say yes, extreme bodybuilders start at a basic stage-1 ‘bag status. But can redeem themselves if there are no other scrotal signifiers present, and they exhibit self deprecating humor about their own cartoonish bodies.

And I see you too, Stacy. The pinch you just felt on your buttcheek? Wasn’t me. Okay, it was.