Monday, October 20, 2014

Gawker Flies Its Freakademic Flag, Tries to Summarize ‘Douchebag’

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Some pseudo-intellectual warghlebarghle ‘culture’ critic named Michael Mark Cohen over at Gawker has attempted to write the history of ‘douchebag’ in popular use.

His conclusion? The term ‘douchebag’ has become a variation of a socially acceptable ethnic insult. To call someone a douchebag is, according to this pop culture Nostradamus, a coded way to racialize whiteness.

Allow me to retort.

A douchebag says no.

Critiquing the term douchebag on ethnic terms ignores the far more obvious and self-evident gender binary taking place. The perjorative context of ‘douchebag’ lies entirely in its critique of masculine ego by referencing a feminine hygiene product. To try to relocate this obvious gender interplay as a template for racial power embedded in media artifacts is to overdetermine meaning based on pre-established crotch fondle.

Let me repeat. No.

Douchebag is not a code for whiteness. It has never been used that way. If you want to project some idiotic screed on racial hierarchies and linguistic subtext onto a concept you don’t understand, I suggest entering the rarified air of Lena Dunham think pieces and Miley Cyrus twerking deconstructions. I hear Commentary and Dissent have merged to form low paying clickbait troll spew.

Ascribing douchemock to race to heat up the outrage machine and you’re just phishing for pixel chum. And no, I’m not referring to a 1990s noodle jazz fusion band that never should have left Vermont. I’m referring to an outdated mode of ethnicity studies that can’t account for convergence culture.

How do I know what ‘douchebag’ means? Because I’m the guy that redefined it back in 2006. Back then it meant either a feminine hygiene product or a rarely used insult akin to asshole. In its redefinition, douchebaggery became a term used to describe a certain type of preening hyper-masculinity. The point at which human males (and certain females) transformed into Michaelbay-ian cyborgian explosions of cartoonish idiocy and narrative incoherence. All in an effort to get the ladies by turning their bodies into neon day-glo advertisements and pop culture tinsel.

I needed a word to describe male spectacle in the age of over-saturated media stimulation. And I found it.

But there was barely a tip of the hat to the importance of HCwDB in Gawker’s rambling unthinkpiece. If you’re gonna break down the ‘bag and you don’t credit Hot Chicks with Douchebags, you’re talking out of your proverbial Foucauldian peeper steeper.

The facts is the facts. The HCwDB community is what introduced ‘douche’ analysis to contemporary discourse. Not just me. All the regs in the comments threads over the years. We parsed douchebaggery in all its hottie/douchey dialectical formulations.

Heck, I even wrote a book on the subject. So I know of what I speak. At least when it comes to frivolous colloquialisms written as satirical mock.

So put down that Fanon and Chomsky, digi-media whore, and come back to the realities of the pop culture pizza. Sometimes a slice of mushroom and roasted red peppers is just a slice of mushroom and roasted red peppers. Especially when it tans and shaves and rubs its pecs with various sundry bodylotions in the hope of attracting a party chick woo hottie.

Them’s the post-structural Derridian deconstruction. Put that in Freud’s cigar and smoke it.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

TL;DR EDIT: For those of you coming to Hot Chicks with Douchebags for the first time via that Gawker article, Gawker is the sucky. You can read the real history of the sordid, complex introduction of douchebaggery as mock in the history of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, my last daily post on this site, written last February.

# posted by douchebag1
Thursday, October 9, 2014

Reader Mail: Military ‘Bag Hunter carries on the Good Fight

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An old friend of HCwDB checks in:

——
Good day to you DB1!

So as I was browsing the internet this afternoon I got reminded of your site. Not having been on it in a very long time I decided to scope it out and see the horrible photos of douchewanks that I enjoy mocking so much as they make complete asses of themselves in front of scantily clad women.

As to my surprise and with a bit of sadness I see that you have more or less retired from the daily heckling of these turds and have decided to move onto bigger and better things. For that I salute you, because every good thing must come to an end. BUT as I read through your story about the website itself I came across where you mentioned that you started to get a following of soldiers and posted this link.

Well sir, the person who sent you that mail was none other than me almost five years ago. I completely forgot I even sent it to you, and I am honored that you would put that link up as part of your personal story of the website. As an update to you and the others who wished me a safe deployment I will tell you that I survived my 12 month combat tour in Afghanistan unharmed. I returned home to my friends and family, and continued my mission to rid the earth of douchebags. these following years I became a private contracted soldier and fought Somali pirates all across Africa. And as the icing on the cake in my battle against baggery, last year I worked as stage security for Jerry Springer tossing shitbags around a stage for their idiocy. I have included a picture as proof of my ongoing mission.

Thank you for your website and thank you for reading this.

Regards
Military Bag Hunter
——

Good to hear from you again, MBH, and let me offer you a hearty salute and welcome home. I am pleased as Ponch to see you bring the good douchemock to the heart of Trashbaggery on the legendary Jerry Springer Show.

I am also heartened to see the legacy of douchebag mock continue to reverberate in many ways, forms, and wherefores.  Now that you’re home safe and sound, MBH, may all of your hotts be of the purest of suckle thigh. And may the grease taint of rankbaggery wash easily off your hands when your work tossing Springerbags is done.

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, September 29, 2014

As the Nimrod Turns

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Fear not, fellow ‘bag hunter.

HCwDB may no longer be updating on the reg.

But no matter how complex world events become, no matter how many facets of our eternal journey to know thyself and thy world splinter into diachronic contradictions, there will always be Martin The Nim making Stupidface ™ with Sophia during Spring Break in Vegas.

Let this toxic cohabit of crazy choadward eyes and sweet suckle thigh remind you that no matter how dark life becomes, the hottie/douchey dialectics will always be there for us to mock.

Carry on my wayward sons and daughters…

# posted by admin
Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Greased of Eden

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Ah yes, Vegasian Clublandia.

Where Germanic greasevomits with Mark of the ‘Sack uponst their slimy-ass eighthead get ab fondle from tasty perkle potts named Kelly Von Slenderfondle.

Still not okay.

Your humbler narrs may not be updating HCwDB on the reg anymore.

But the taint/hott cohabit still rankles the cockles of the cackles of my nethers like an alpaca on a treadmill.

Keep the mock going, fellow ‘bag hunters. For ours is, as always, the noblest of cause.

# posted by douchebag1
Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The Great Hott/Choad Collision of 2014

image001 Then, on a day just like many others, as our blue orb spun on its merry way, a lone seagull pooped on a lotus tree in Kathmandu.

In the reverberation of that seagull poop, an alarm was sounded. The Spirit Guide scratched its taint.

For the karmic wrongness of the universe had taken diarrhetic squat on the face of humanity. Like the seagull poop before it, it rained shmeg on an unjust and unfair world.

Why?

The sweatsock soak of the unholy Benzino comingled with the sassy lickle fondle of effervescent party girl Champagne Katie.

And, just as the Gozarians predicted, the great fungspittle war of 2014 began….

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, July 21, 2014

“Yea Though I Walk Through the Beaches of Douche”

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Cast not thine holy douche spray uponst thy hottest of hotts. For the Tool is my Sherpa, I shall not spittle. Lo, into the abyss is Your stenchy facial fung and stupid hair. Let it not cast bodyspray uponst thine pear. For if it does, you will know Thine spirit hath foretold the unholy wrongness only whenst fondle is of purest suckle thigh by taintest of twatwaffle.

— Corinthian Leather, 25or6:4.

# posted by admin
Monday, July 7, 2014

Douchebags are Apparently Back

I’m not okay with this.

Not.

Okay.

With this.

Unironic braggadocio with stupid hat and doucheface. Performed by shamelessly moronic hip hop suburban choadwanks.  Flashin’ Benjamins, luxury (rented) cars, and lots of paid-to-boobs as proof of alpha male package.

The stupid. It burns.

Yet The Huffington Post just called this the proverbial jam of the summer.

Not okay.

Reeks like foot fung. Like donkey dung. Like the absolute worst of the mid 2000s.

I’m not saying HCwDB is back. I’m focused on my Podcast these days.

But after we’d accomplished so much over the years, I am not okay with this. A pile of rank taintstain. A pustulous music ‘video.’ It is a step back into a fetid pile of sheep piddle.  It rankles the cockles of my benevolent soul.

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, June 9, 2014

The Bafflegab Podcast Launches!

LogoDarkHoly crap!!  Your humble narrator bought a microphone!!

Now what??

Who the hell knows? I sure don’t.

But why not pull up a chair?

Grab a tasty cola beverage from the cooler on the lanai.

See what’s new with your humble narrator.

If you are a fan or otherwise remotely tolerant of anything I’ve done lo these past eight years then I beseech thee to head over to www.bafflegabpodcast.com and take a lookie-listen.

Yup, once a week I will be sitting down with one of the many people folk that has circulated through this strange life in Hollywoodland.  We will discuss philosophy.

And poop.

And tasty Hostess snack cakes.

And whatever else strikes us as relevant to the puzzlement that is life in the modern macro microscope.

Here’s that link again: Give a listen. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell this guy.

You can also subscribe to the Bafflegab Podcast through iTunes, RSS, or any of the other sundry digital pipelines that criss-cross our conceptual multiverse like an ephemeral game of Connect Four.

I hope ya dig it.

And if not, there’s always a clown eating an ice cream hoagie.

# posted by douchebag1
Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Captain Toxicnip and Sarah Get Ready for the Podcast!

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Recording equipment? Check.

Various sundry personalities in the greater Los Angeles area willing to banter on microphone for extended periods of verbal intercourse? Check.

Yes it is on. Like Captain ToxicNip’s scary nipular Proboscis. It has perked.

Your humble narrator will be launching a new weekly podcast!

All things hottie/douchey history will be discussed, along with riffs, rants, babbles, and spew both psuedo-intellectual and very very stupid.

If you’ve dug what I did with HCwDB for so many years, I hope you’ll check it out.

More news shortly…

Breaking…

Breaking bad…

Breaky breaky heart…

Breaker Morant…

Moonbreaker…

I must break you.

# posted by douchebag1
Friday, April 25, 2014

HCwDB and New Frontiers

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While it’s true, the HCwDB Experience as we knew it has come to its preordained conclusion (respek), new frontiers await.

I have just finished moving the site to a new (cheaper) server, so you might need to delete cookies to log in or something. But all should be copacetic again around here.

However! Hark! Alack!

For all those who enjoy the hottie/douchey Socratic debates, your nethers shall tingle again. Like some bad retro-metal band called Tingle Nethers. New underling fondlers shall arise that resemble old, leathery choadscrunchies.

Or perhaps as glorious as Simian McBarnicle and Nadia’s (pictured here) working class Russian dating life.

Because, in Soviet Union, rednecks might be you!

Wait. I think I mixed up that punchline. Because I get my one-joke comedian catchphrases mixed up all the time.

But enough of my babble.

If you’ve enjoyed my mock and rage in all its many forms, your humb narrs is putting together a podcast for your listening enjoyment. I should have it up and running in a month or so, and will announce all in due time.

In the meantime, you may continue to peruse the archives. Or join the time traveling ways of DarkSock, who continues to bring the mock like a postmodern Marty McFly back in 2005.

Either way, HCwDB will continue onward and upward. Or upward. And Squidward. And always, always with glorious alpaca fondle.

# posted by douchebag1
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