Friday, December 19, 2014

HCwDB Holiday Gift Guide for 2014!

dick on the shelfDarkSock here, with a timely article for the Faithful Reader.

The final hours are drawing nigh for you procrastinating shoppers, but worry not – we’ve worked tirelessly to compile excellent last-minute gift ideas for your kids, whether they’re yours or abducted.

Shall we?

 

Number 1:  “Baby’s First Baby”:

babys first baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because your kid’s not getting cast for “15 and Pregnant” unless you start ‘em early…

Number 2: “Breast Milk Baby”:

breast-milk-baby

 

 

 

 

 

This reminds me of the Irish Potato Famine of 1845.  Because, y’know, lack-taters…

Number 3: “Pee-n-Poo Plushies”:

pee n poo dolls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you get that 7 year old you just can’t seem to potty train? Why, it’s alimentary, my Dear Watson!

Number 4: “Real Human Teeth Dolls”:

real teeth dolls

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just because Gramma’s gone doesn’t mean parts of her can’t stay with your tikes…in their nightmares…

Number 5: “Road Kill Kitty Stocking Treats”:

road kill kitty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help Little Timmy relive the pain of ol’ drunk Uncle John-Earl backing over his beloved Fluffy as he made another beer run last Thanksgiving morning.

“But Darksock”, you wheedle, “what about our kids entering the magic of puberty?”  I gotcha covered.

Number 6: “You Can Shave The Baby”:

you can shave the baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cuz it ain’t gonna shave itself…

Number 7: “Testicle & Prostate Plushies”:

testicle_and_prostate

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or as Hannibal Lecter calls them, “The Sweet Meats”.

Number 8: “Frat Party Barbie Playset”:

douche on the shelf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Consider this popular expansion pack to Frat Party Barbie also:

pregnant_barbie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and of course the surprise free bonus -“Venereals Plushies”:

venereals

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although sometimes we fail to remember that the most special gifts are not those solid tangible objects we can hold in our hands, but rather something more ethereal…such as a wi-fi connected laptop behind Junior’s constantly locked bedroom door.

Elf on the Net

# posted by admin
Monday, December 8, 2014

Somewhere in Sheboygan, A Lone Fartfungusface Twaddles With Kelly

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And as they twaddle, two lonely Bud Light Limes go undranked upon.

# posted by douchebag1
Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The Stuffed Turkwadius

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And as a nation sits down to celebrate ritual festivity and familial obligation, a lone Turkwadius greases his chin fung uponst the plump, fertile cranberries of a dancer known only as ‘Harvest Season.’ And by polio blankets, I mean the groin itch.

# posted by douchebag1
Saturday, November 15, 2014

If My Psyche Were to Direct a Music Video


It might look like GoGo Yubari by way of Taylor Swift by way of Betty Boop by way of Darksockian horse cosplay by way of hallucinogenic bullet train vending machine sashimi ecto-plasmonic vomitorious technospew.

Or, as Toshiro Mifune might say before committing ritual seppuku at the shame brought upon his once proud culture, ‘Sake it off’…

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, November 10, 2014

The Grumpus Turns Away in Shame

ErosAndAlterity

And, lo, the Grumpus Societal Id contemplates the hottie/douche cohabit as Rashi once studied the butterfly. And then, after due consideration, the Grumpus turns away. In sadness and in shame. She is leaving. She is leaving. But the salacious crud still remains.

Whence our collective gaze doth consider, true enlightenment may or may not follow. It is certainly not assured.

But we must remember that enlightenment is not the goal when poochy cup slap betwixt greasy poo choad and suckle taught lilac takes place.

The process is the enumeration. Or so sayeth the wise ones that once twitched like prime Jerry Lewis in spasmodic temples of yore. One must look. And then one must turn away. To consider. To meditate. To ruminate. To regurgitate. And to watch DVR’d episodes of Deadliest Catch while eating Funyuns and scratching inappropriately.

So do not judge as Grumpus refuses to gaze like carnivorous gazelle. For without averting her eyes, the stench of laundry detergent and semi-employment at the Casino buffet on the midnight to six AM shift would forever remain un-comprehended. And theretofore, unknown.

# posted by douchebag1
Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy ‘Bagoween!!

Halloween2

Ah, yes. The spectacular Pimpbag and his Gaggle of Woo.

Even the leniency of spectacle on this Hallow’s Eve is not enough to excuse douche essence.

Let this post be a shout-out to all ‘bag hunters and huntresses still occasionally dropping in on this creaky bloggy legacy of a previous internet age now banished to myth and legend.

No matter how much Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter take away the authentic voice in favor of a stream of carefully calibrated clickbait stim, HCwDB will remain in its purest form.

I may not post all that often these days. But your humb narrs is still wandering around this vast digital wasteland.

Still horrified at the vacuous state of digitally lubricated party insanity that transforms us into walking billboards of inconspicuous consumption.

Douchebags and party woo hotts may have sublimated their spectacle. But the choadspoo continues to spew like a load of rotting scrotal toad.

The ‘bag/hott dialectics rot the core of spiritual progress that all generations must necessarily undertake. Or abdicate, to the tragic detriment of all.

Enjoy the Hallow’s Eve and all wherefore to come as we head into the days of Turkey and Jesus. But carry on the mock for all to see the enlightment that oh so often penetrates the fog of an overstimulated, exhausted, frantic neutron dance decimated by too much media crotch fondle and not enough clarity.

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, October 20, 2014

Gawker Flies Its Freakademic Flag, Tries to Summarize ‘Douchebag’

bag 211

Some pseudo-intellectual warghlebarghle ‘culture’ critic named Michael Mark Cohen over at Gawker has attempted to write the history of ‘douchebag’ in popular use.

His conclusion? The term ‘douchebag’ has become a variation of a socially acceptable ethnic insult. To call someone a douchebag is, according to this pop culture Nostradamus, a coded way to racialize whiteness.

Allow me to retort.

A douchebag says no.

Critiquing the term douchebag on ethnic terms ignores the far more obvious and self-evident gender binary taking place. The perjorative context of ‘douchebag’ lies entirely in its critique of masculine ego by referencing a feminine hygiene product. To try to relocate this obvious gender interplay as a template for racial power embedded in media artifacts is to overdetermine meaning based on pre-established crotch fondle.

Let me repeat. No.

Douchebag is not a code for whiteness. It has never been used that way. If you want to project some idiotic screed on racial hierarchies and linguistic subtext onto a concept you don’t understand, I suggest entering the rarified air of Lena Dunham think pieces and Miley Cyrus twerking deconstructions. I hear Commentary and Dissent have merged to form low paying clickbait troll spew.

Ascribing douchemock to race to heat up the outrage machine and you’re just phishing for pixel chum. And no, I’m not referring to a 1990s noodle jazz fusion band that never should have left Vermont. I’m referring to an outdated mode of ethnicity studies that can’t account for convergence culture.

How do I know what ‘douchebag’ means? Because I’m the guy that redefined it back in 2006. Back then it meant either a feminine hygiene product or a rarely used insult akin to asshole. In its redefinition, douchebaggery became a term used to describe a certain type of preening hyper-masculinity. The point at which human males (and certain females) transformed into Michaelbay-ian cyborgian explosions of cartoonish idiocy and narrative incoherence. All in an effort to get the ladies by turning their bodies into neon day-glo advertisements and pop culture tinsel.

I needed a word to describe male spectacle in the age of over-saturated media stimulation. And I found it.

But there was barely a tip of the hat to the importance of HCwDB in Gawker’s rambling unthinkpiece. If you’re gonna break down the ‘bag and you don’t credit Hot Chicks with Douchebags, you’re talking out of your proverbial Foucauldian peeper steeper.

The facts is the facts. The HCwDB community is what introduced ‘douche’ analysis to contemporary discourse. Not just me. All the regs in the comments threads over the years. We parsed douchebaggery in all its hottie/douchey dialectical formulations.

Heck, I even wrote a book on the subject. So I know of what I speak. At least when it comes to frivolous colloquialisms written as satirical mock.

So put down that Fanon and Chomsky, digi-media whore, and come back to the realities of the pop culture pizza. Sometimes a slice of mushroom and roasted red peppers is just a slice of mushroom and roasted red peppers. Especially when it tans and shaves and rubs its pecs with various sundry bodylotions in the hope of attracting a party chick woo hottie.

Them’s the post-structural Derridian deconstruction. Put that in Freud’s cigar and smoke it.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

TL;DR EDIT: For those of you coming to Hot Chicks with Douchebags for the first time via that Gawker article, Gawker is the sucky. You can read the real history of the sordid, complex introduction of douchebaggery as mock in the history of Hot Chicks with Douchebags, my last daily post on this site, written last February.

# posted by douchebag1
Thursday, October 9, 2014

Reader Mail: Military ‘Bag Hunter carries on the Good Fight

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An old friend of HCwDB checks in:

——
Good day to you DB1!

So as I was browsing the internet this afternoon I got reminded of your site. Not having been on it in a very long time I decided to scope it out and see the horrible photos of douchewanks that I enjoy mocking so much as they make complete asses of themselves in front of scantily clad women.

As to my surprise and with a bit of sadness I see that you have more or less retired from the daily heckling of these turds and have decided to move onto bigger and better things. For that I salute you, because every good thing must come to an end. BUT as I read through your story about the website itself I came across where you mentioned that you started to get a following of soldiers and posted this link.

Well sir, the person who sent you that mail was none other than me almost five years ago. I completely forgot I even sent it to you, and I am honored that you would put that link up as part of your personal story of the website. As an update to you and the others who wished me a safe deployment I will tell you that I survived my 12 month combat tour in Afghanistan unharmed. I returned home to my friends and family, and continued my mission to rid the earth of douchebags. these following years I became a private contracted soldier and fought Somali pirates all across Africa. And as the icing on the cake in my battle against baggery, last year I worked as stage security for Jerry Springer tossing shitbags around a stage for their idiocy. I have included a picture as proof of my ongoing mission.

Thank you for your website and thank you for reading this.

Regards
Military Bag Hunter

——

Good to hear from you again, MBH, and let me offer you a hearty salute and welcome home. I am pleased as Ponch to see you bring the good douchemock to the heart of Trashbaggery on the legendary Jerry Springer Show.

I am also heartened to see the legacy of douchebag mock continue to reverberate in many ways, forms, and wherefores.  Now that you’re home safe and sound, MBH, may all of your hotts be of the purest of suckle thigh. And may the grease taint of rankbaggery wash easily off your hands when your work tossing Springerbags is done.

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, September 29, 2014

As the Nimrod Turns

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Fear not, fellow ‘bag hunter.

HCwDB may no longer be updating on the reg.

But no matter how complex world events become, no matter how many facets of our eternal journey to know thyself and thy world splinter into diachronic contradictions, there will always be Martin The Nim making Stupidface ™ with Sophia during Spring Break in Vegas.

Let this toxic cohabit of crazy choadward eyes and sweet suckle thigh remind you that no matter how dark life becomes, the hottie/douchey dialectics will always be there for us to mock.

Carry on my wayward sons and daughters…

# posted by admin
Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Greased of Eden

12003

Ah yes, Vegasian Clublandia.

Where Germanic greasevomits with Mark of the ‘Sack uponst their slimy-ass eighthead get ab fondle from tasty perkle potts named Kelly Von Slenderfondle.

Still not okay.

Your humbler narrs may not be updating HCwDB on the reg anymore.

But the taint/hott cohabit still rankles the cockles of the cackles of my nethers like an alpaca on a treadmill.

Keep the mock going, fellow ‘bag hunters. For ours is, as always, the noblest of cause.

# posted by douchebag1
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