Friday, March 27, 2015

Dr. Chinfungenstein Pays A House Call

DB8018

Long time ‘bag hunters, hark! Pay heed.

Dr. Chinfungenstein has achieved an impressive ratio of maximum doucheface with minimal effort.

This outstanding achievement in scrote-face while lakebagging with Kelly can be appreciated as the following equation:

df*.9/e*.1=s(cr)o-te/4

Off the charts doucheosity, folks. Enough to make me break my hiatus to mock with pensive aplomb.

For rare is the punchable wankiposity so repositorially rank with so slight a visible effort. Dr. Chinfungenstein is preturnatural. Perhaps the Orson Welles of douche face.

# posted by douchebag1
Wednesday, March 25, 2015

game of turdsThis here spectacle
Exceeds my grasp of English;
Please help me out. Sons.

# posted by admin
Sunday, March 8, 2015

Your Sunday Douchekiss

18007

As Party Girl Ryan kisses His ‘roided beef-cheek with the tenderest of shallow affections, Beefer Sutherland is currently having the following thought:

A) “Unhhgghhhh.”

B) “Mmmm… grahhhhhwwwoooo.”

C) “Fwee…. fwee… fwee… fwee…”

D) “Eternal inflation, string theory and even Hugh Everett’s ‘many worlds’ interpretation of quantum mechanics all suggest a vast number of universes, and conditions have to be bolted onto each of the theories to get the number of universes down to one. Therefore Jager is the shit.”

Answer now!

# posted by douchebag1
Saturday, February 28, 2015

Shmecky Von Dillpickle Headlocks Clementine

113006

I often reflect on the many permutations of douchemock and hottlust that have burrowed like so many rivulets through the sediment of pop culture timeshock. When HCwDB began the mock, it was a serious time. Then it was a playful time. And the mock was enjoyed by all.

Now it is a serious time again.

 

Humorless.

Angrier.

Gender wars and dating battles taken from playful banter to dark resentment.

I’m not sure what to make of the ratcheting up of tension and loss of humor in today’s confused, decadent and most certainly decoherent anti-humor post-humor thunderdome.

But alls I do know is that Shmecky Von Dillpickle is a shmegtaint. And everyone should take a breath, stop getting so pissed off, and allow ourselves to unite in the principle that all of us, each and every one, can agree that Shmecky’s headlock of Clementine is the pestilent hair taint upon a mongerel’s tick bitten posterior.

For if we cannot agree to that, I put it to you Greg, what can we agree upon?

# posted by admin
Monday, February 16, 2015

Aquatool Advocates For Peace

14157

Despite the cacophony of vacuity in which Aquatool exhausts his credit card salad days, therein lurks a deepward hope for a lasting global peace.

Sure those thoughts only reverberate for a few seconds.

Here and there.

When the drugs wear off.

And the boobosity is not too distracting.

But they do recur. Within those few moments of repose before the DJ drops another sampled pre-recorded boom-siss-boom-siss.

Aquatool credits himself for proving, at least for a moment, that he is more than just an overpriced douchey Yankees cap wearing numbers runner for the Long Island Gambinos. He does have a soul. For does a person without a soul not occasionally think about world peace? If you prick his Dolce and Gabana, does it not fray?

And then, like Keyser Sose, they are gone.

Vacuity returns.

And joyless compulsion carries onward until dawn.

# posted by douchebag1
Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Mr. Spittoon Mackles Audrey

TheShmadow

Because greasal pollution of the nation’s suckle taut hott supply is a toxic stench that even Bill Gates poopwater can’t revive through carbonic filtration.

HCwDB lives?…

Well, not so much these days.

But your humb narrs is carrying on as best he can into new permutations. And you’re always welcome to hop in our concptual DeLorean and join the heroic neck-fused DarkSock for more mock back in 2005.

# posted by admin
Saturday, January 10, 2015

Breaking: Tom Jones is a Tangerine

article-0-19CBC4B000000578-996_634x425

The proper caption for this image is:

A) “It’s not unusual to be bronzed by anyone…”

B) What’s New, Skincancer? Whoooa whooa whoooohaaa…”

C) “She’s marmalady… whoa whoa whoa… she’s marmalady.”

D) “I just want your extra time and your…. Sunkist.”

Answer now!

# posted by douchebag1
Saturday, January 3, 2015

2015 Smoot Says “Groooo”

smoot11-725909

Wherein once a Gregorian chant intoned by the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos lilted across the flora of pristine rainforests.

Now a plaintive cry winds its way across the landscape of Vegas bottle service beholden only to hottie/douchey memory.

For it may be a simple syllabic grunt.

A primal gutturality of overextended credit card and extreme cardio pilates.

But it is also an aural beacon. A sonic marker. As if a thousand Israeli Shofars cried out as one and were suddenly douchey.

For within that dulcet pedantic cry lies a blend of emotive purity and pristine pectoral flex.

Smoot hath seen the New Year dawn.

And it is Groooo.

# posted by douchebag1
Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Meaty Meat Santa Pud and The Paid-to-Pose Elven Hotts Wish You and Yours a Jolly Douchey Christmas!!

Christmas4

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my true blave gave to me… Meaty Meat Santa Pud and the Paid-to-Pose Elven Hotts peeing in the egg noggggg…

Well hello there. Yes. DB1 here. Your humble narrator still wanders the barren landscape of pop culture vibrato.

Still occasionally tripping the riff linguistic with emotive gusto and a packet of HoHos for sustenance.

I may not post all that often these days. But I will do my best to post here and there, or at least every blue moon, in the new year. And then there’s always your noblest of crusaders, DarkSock, leading the regs and bringing the mock via time-travel to 2005.

Christmas may not be my holiday. But it’s most people’s holiday. So on behalf of HC1, BC1, and myself (DB1), here’s hoping you have a Merry Christmas, a Happy post-Hannukah, a Festivus grievance or a Spaghetti Monster’s noodley appendage. Just make sure you never run into this toxic de-coupling, and that the new year will finally see satan’s douche army of Criss Angels macking on tasty brunette cocktail hotts smoted once and for all.

Smited?

Smate?

There is no denying it. The scragglewanks still walk amonst us. Our work is not yet done.

I may no longer lead the daily charge. But I tip my cup of ‘Train to all that carry on this noblest of noblest Tikkun Olam. Fight onward. Mock harder. And repose with an enjoyable, tasty sandwich once in awhile. For that is what the great Warren Zevon recommended before he passed onward to that great kitchen in the sky.

Truer words were never spoken.

# posted by admin
Friday, December 19, 2014

HCwDB Holiday Gift Guide for 2014!

dick on the shelfDarkSock here, with a timely article for the Faithful Reader.

The final hours are drawing nigh for you procrastinating shoppers, but worry not – we’ve worked tirelessly to compile excellent last-minute gift ideas for your kids, whether they’re yours or abducted.

Shall we?

 

Number 1:  “Baby’s First Baby”:

babys first baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because your kid’s not getting cast for “15 and Pregnant” unless you start ‘em early…

Number 2: “Breast Milk Baby”:

breast-milk-baby

 

 

 

 

 

This reminds me of the Irish Potato Famine of 1845.  Because, y’know, lack-taters…

Number 3: “Pee-n-Poo Plushies”:

pee n poo dolls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you get that 7 year old you just can’t seem to potty train? Why, it’s alimentary, my Dear Watson!

Number 4: “Real Human Teeth Dolls”:

real teeth dolls

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just because Gramma’s gone doesn’t mean parts of her can’t stay with your tikes…in their nightmares…

Number 5: “Road Kill Kitty Stocking Treats”:

road kill kitty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help Little Timmy relive the pain of ol’ drunk Uncle John-Earl backing over his beloved Fluffy as he made another beer run last Thanksgiving morning.

“But Darksock”, you wheedle, “what about our kids entering the magic of puberty?”  I gotcha covered.

Number 6: “You Can Shave The Baby”:

you can shave the baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cuz it ain’t gonna shave itself…

Number 7: “Testicle & Prostate Plushies”:

testicle_and_prostate

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or as Hannibal Lecter calls them, “The Sweet Meats”.

Number 8: “Frat Party Barbie Playset”:

douche on the shelf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Consider this popular expansion pack to Frat Party Barbie also:

pregnant_barbie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and of course the surprise free bonus -“Venereals Plushies”:

venereals

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although sometimes we fail to remember that the most special gifts are not those solid tangible objects we can hold in our hands, but rather something more ethereal…such as a wi-fi connected laptop behind Junior’s constantly locked bedroom door.

Elf on the Net

# posted by admin
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