In case you thought the poetic rantings of Stackhouse were unique in douche culture, a reader submits Elmer Pudd's Facebook soliloques. I title this poem, "I hate those Quiet, Salad Eating Bitches":


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I hate those quiet,salad-eating bitches,those real quiet ones, you know.The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say:"Hey, what you wanna eat?" They go, "I'll just have a salad."And you hear their stomach going:"I don't know why my stomach is making that noise.""Because you're hungry, bitch."

No such thing as a loyal man. Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps and they'll have you believing it. No loyal men. All men f*ck other women We are low by nature and have to do it. We are men. All men do it, We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. Men must find and conquer as much pu...ssy as they can get. Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is f*cking.
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I believe this is a variation on Freud's theory of "Wit, Salad Tossing, and the Unconscious."

We haven't featured a classic Rocker Douche on the site in awhile.

With hipster pink t-shirt, do not be fooled by Jim Douchison's attempt to pretend he is not schrod. Note "flavor savor" and, of course, the wristdanna + sideways peace sign -- as clear a connection to Vegas douchery as one needs to tag a 'bag.

Hippy Goldie has a strangely robotic feel, but that would not prevent me from meekly nuzzling her belly button with only a small can of gherkin pickles and a Sherpa named Uzbeke to guide me.

Creepy Dorm Guy and Amy Winehouse Hippie Chick just voted in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

Congrats to the New Orleans Saints and all that. But we got work to do people. There are schroads licking perfectly tasty hottness as we speak. They must be mocked. And by mocked, I mean categorized. And then mocked. Here's your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah

The Q.H. is one of those rare partybags. The type who amazingly manages to make the same stupid douche-face in every pic.

Even when popping a squat or makin' the party pile.

His greased up Eurotaint is garbagian in its poocrappery.

Yeah, I said both "garbagian" and "poocrappery" in the same sentence.

Up yours, Merriam and Webster.

Mmmm... Euro hottness....

Princess Suckle Thigh is quality Italian-French hybridity. I blame her for the 100 years war. In my pants.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Double Flush, aka Fists of Poo

About time we get some classic Vegas douche-poo back up on the site.

Here we have two extremely sweet, high quality, hot chicks.

They're smiling.

They desire the DB1 to gnaw on their ankles.

And for that, I would buy them each a car.

And then we have two Vegas "Fists of Poo." Tatted up, greased up, large watch and sunglasses wearing crappogians.

But what takes this pic to Weekly status?

The Sideburns Money Clip (tm). As seen on TV.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Yellow Lips and Sophomore Karen


At first, these two may seem unlikely HCwDB of the Week contestants.

Look again.

They may not be over the top hottie/douchey spectacle. But for real world Frat assholitry, Yellow Lips earns his slot in the Weekly.

Note Y.L.'s shirt print, nuclear sunglasses, chest reveal and masterful Kissy Lips.

Top it off with some crappy Busch beer, and this is a Frat party poor Sophomore Karen will be in therapy for years trying to forget.

And Sophomore Karen more than holds up her end of the real-world sexy sultry, hottness. With barely any makeup on, she's already quality sweets.

I would gnash angrily on her childhood teddy bear, "Boo," with my teeth until she called campus security and had me escorted off the premises.

(Dis)honorable mention to Slick James, Sticks McHead, Mopey the Beanstalk, the weirdness of Alice in Choaderland and the uber-hottness of Sun Sandra (see you at the Douchies, my dear) and The 'Bag Face.

But three couplings may enter. Only one may (de-)ascend. Which?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

You know who isn't playing in this game?

Matt Stafford.

If David Bowie were still alive, he'd be furious.

This gaggle of tainted turd just cured my constipation.

It's a rainy, chilly Friday here in Los Angeles. David Lynch hasn't done the weather reports lately, so instead, you'll get it from your humble narrator.

My butt heads to San Francisco on Wednesday for five days.

Five days of hipsterbag mocking and late night S.F. art hottie hitting upons. Good times will be had. Tasty chocolate Hostess Cupcakes will be consumed.
And the lamb lies down on Broadway.

Here's your links:

Your humble narrator isn't just on Twitter, I'm all Twitpicin now too.

One of the Miami douches we feature in season #2 of Is She Really Going Out With Him? takes to YouTube to attempt to preemptively blunt the show's revelations that he's a scrotewad. Keep diggin', King Scrotecles.

He's Just a Regular Everyday Normal Guy. His sexual performances are average.

As we always knew, the scale of the entire universe is defined by Ubiquitous Red Cup. (click PLAY then scale to find the URC).

In Oregon, they like their beavers orange.

I know we're not there yet, but how's about a sneak peak of some Orange Guidette Ass Pear?

Ed Hardy continues to dump steaming loads on our culture.

Christina Hendricks goes Librarian Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh.

A little retro 'baggery: The late, great Andy Kaufman turns into "Latka the Playboy" on Taxi.

I don't know what Foresquare is, but it has a douche problem.

American Apparel earns permanent nottadouche status for running a global ass pear contest.

Okay. After that last link, it's probably anti-climaxtic. But you've had a tough week mocking choad and hott lusting. Here you go... you've earned it:

Self Peartrait.

Go forth. Go forth and spread the gospel of hottie/douchey mock. For life is short. And soon you'll have a kid.

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Hi DB1,

you posted a letter a few weeks back from someone requesting more pictures of the douchebagettes, I'd just like to second that notion.

I understand the allure of a girl with some dirt around the edges and I get that douchiness in men tends to scrub out the hott while in women it can oddly enhance it. Some of these chicks though are so skeezy that you couldn't bleach it off them and I'd like to mock to them too.

Thanks, keep on mocking!
R
----

Would a leopard print 'baguette making the "sideways peace sign" and kissy lips while getting licked by Joey the Used Car Salesman qualify, R?

I thought so.

2009 Hottest Girl Next Door Hott finalist, Ashlee, still has a taste for the Fratchoad.

And for that, we are all complicit in culture fail.

"Sveden is great, Ja!"
Ref Hottie blows whistle foul.
Fill in "blows" joke here.

Umpire hottie,
I see the regret that you
Went home with a 'bag

-- Dicy

Elke, ditch this clown
Leave Billy Idol Junior
Dancing with himself

-- Father Guido Sardouchey

Kissy face Douchebag.
Shows off discolored finger.
Hot throws yellow flag.

-- Bar_Bag91

Run, Lola hott, run.
Olaf wields IQ of 9;
Runs on 4th and long.

-Amerigo Vesdouchey

Ivan Drago 'bag
Tanned funbags in the disco
A View to a Douche

-- Bag A

With a Rebel Yell,
Hot cried Axe, Axe, like a child,
She has been tainted

-- Douchesquire

Known for his toughness
World Analingus Champ called
for not trimming nails

-- Douche Bigalow

As we approach the four year anniversary of HCwDB, I'mma get some design all up in this place.

That's right. HCwDB 2.0 will be launching in less than a month.

I'll be finally ditching the Blogger Software nightmare that has slowed this site down, caused many brilliant comments to be lost in a "conflicting edits" abyss, and generally sucked teeny tiny monkey ballsack.

Replacing it will be pretty much the same site, but with a few new and fun things (full message board functionality, ability for anyone to upload and vote on pics, etc.). However, many of you may need to reregister your names and profiles, and I'm still determining if original comments threads will fully carry over as well.

So if you've written some brilliant stuff in a past thread, and most of the comments threads are filled with genius, be sure to copy/paste/save anything you want to keep. I'm doing my best to make sure all archives carry over 100% but I'm still not sure if it'll work.

It's about time we take HCwDB to the next level.

The war between hope and hair grease, this Ed Hardpocalypse of cultural suck and hottie suckle, must carry onward.

And so it shall, kids. And so it shall.

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DB1,

Do forgive me if this question is old news to you, but I'm curious:

Do you think it possible that the presence of your site/book/TV show may have actually increased the presence of the douchebag in modern society? I feel as though you've likely ruminated on this matter and I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

Respectfully yours,

Business-Casual Douche
----

This is a hard one to answer, BCD. It's something that I've meditated on frequently during recent incoherent cheap wine and sugar rush enhanced evenings spent sitting on my stained rug and scratching myself.

I would like to think that rendering the choad laughable and mockworthy is a potent antidote to the scrotocalypse, but it is too early to tell how well it's working. However your question is valid, and one we should consider as the war to save the hott from the scrotund goes into stage II (the televisual and cinematic realm).

However, making a culture aware of its endemic rot is often potent and altering, even if some toadbags become exemplars rather than shunned lepers in the process.

When douches are in the pool, crushing the hotts in a double press sandwich, and making fists to show their phallic power, where's the only place to keep one's cash?

Why, the Sideburns Bill Clip (tm), of course.

I loved your early collaborations with Luis Bunuel on such films as Un Sheen an da Poo, Dream Caused by the Flight of a 'Bag and Persistence of Scrotery.

Yup.

2010 may be the year of the Hipsterbag.

Prepare yourself. It's only going to get scruffier.

Mark of the 'bag in the forehead shine. Check. Rosarie Beads. Check. Unbuttoned red rayon shirt. Check.

What's next to complete the cliche, Lorenzo?

A few "Ayyyy!" and "Fugghedaboutit!"s to Anna while saying how you work in "construction?"

Anna may have the Jerz nosejob and boobies by Dr. Zizmore, but she still deserves better.

Later, Lorenzo tries for the patented Trenton Threesome. With mixed results.

Bucky saw last night's Pink Mesh Hat Tilt and felt threatened.

Even though he's the 2009 Douchie winner for Douchiest Hat Tilt, Bucky, and his nearly award winning Hottest Hott, Kathy, don't rest on their laurels.

And by laurels, I mean trade school.

Identical pose, but that's some stylin' quality Yankee hat, ripping its four dimensional axes tilt in the space-time continuum. This proves Bucky's win (and our culture's loss) was well deserved at the 2009 Douchies.

Kathy looks different. Strange. Still hot, but not quite Kathy. But I'd still awkwardly grope her kneecaps like a cauterized New York sewer rat searching for tasty fried plantains.