Monday, March 14, 2016

DJ Hand Palzee Rocks Au Pair Krista

DJ MS Fingers

Don’t judge.

Sometimes Sammy Markowitz needs a break from his middle management job at Glen Cove Key Foods.

So he takes that volunteer DJ job at the Westchester YMCA on Tuesdays from 8-10. He calls himself ‘DJ Hand PAlzee.’ Because his hands. They have the palsy. And because, hey, free hot wings.

Besides. Sammy never knows. Maybe he’ll get lucky and meet one of those wayward European au pairs being exploited by upper middle class Port Washington two income families under the guise of ‘education internships.’

And so, on this Tuesday, Sammy gets lucky. He meets Krista.

It’s her one day off after another 80 hour week providing childcare for ‘Brynn,’ ‘Kaelynn,’ and ‘Dylan-Hunterr.’ She’s entitled to a drink.

Sammy’s just finished spinning a song by the Weeknd. It turns out the Weeknd can’t feel his face. It’s about cocaine. So it’s edgy.

The song ends and Sammy pays for Krista’s Bud Light Lime.

“Danke!” she says.

He says “What’sup, Bae? You lookin’ fine!”

She doesn’t speak much English and so ignores his awkward, quasi-racist appropriation of hip hop culture. But Krista smiles politely anyway. Like Homer Simpson when he met the Smashing Pumpkins.

And all is copacetic in the echo chambers of suburban youth confusion.

# posted by admin
Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Footbag A.J. McCarron and his Wife Confirm The Existential Vortex of a Soulless Universe

AJMcCarronAndWife

Proving the old Knute Rockne adage that the harder you play the game the more your douchey-ass tatts make nearby ferrets upchuck their partially digested acorn seed, Footbag A.J. McCarron is currently married to this delightful slice of Key Lime Hottpie.

Bro Ted in the background does not deserve to be caught in the photographic crossfire of this missmatched coupling atrocity.

Throw the flag! Ten yard holding penalty! And various other sundry football euphemisms involving tight ends and penetration draw plays that should be readily apparent to even the most novice ‘bag hunter or huntress.

But your humble narrator will not resort to such lazy verbiage. For ours is a classy website replete with only original humor.

So let me merely say that this A.J. is the douchiest A.J. since O.J. D.J’d for Jay-Z by playing the Beatles’ Blue Jay Way.

Yeah.

Okay then.

Now you know why I update HCwDB less frequently than a Hugh Hefner bowel movement.

Uhm.

Yeah.

Wanna play cards?

# posted by douchebag1
Saturday, January 23, 2016

In Russia, Douchebag Stop You…

It was the bro-est of times. It was the woo-est of times.

# posted by douchebag1
Thursday, January 7, 2016

Phineas Squarechinneus Shows Model Melanie His Finger Point Game

One Douchey Mutha

Lest one think the days of HCwDB are a thing of the past, I give you…

Toxic Groin Shave Reveal, 2016 Style.

Let’s hope ritualistic shorn testes isn’t a foreboding sign for the new year.

# posted by douchebag1
Thursday, December 31, 2015

Gym Wildlife

Can’t help but feel the HCwDB community’s years of mock somehow influenced the production of this video. Regardless, I was mildly entertained, even if the joke got old by the third minute. Because I’m impatient like that.

Happy New Year!

# posted by admin
Saturday, December 26, 2015

Hans Klaussenn Vants You To Party Mit Greta on ze New Years

Large Noggin

I can’t tell if it’s the furry leg boots, the weird water bottle utility belt, or the stench of post-Reich fascist mandated dance fun enveloping this lost, wayward collection of Nordic generibots that rankles the pits of my punditry the most.

Alls I know is watching these two shards of electroglide fall into a photo-lens distorted morass of dark ambiguity and bodyspray ennui is enough to throttle all of our gizzards like some lost Herman Hesse novel on the religious profundity of scrotal fungae.

Or maybe it’s just that elbowdanna. –

Regardless, Gretaboobs say Meine Kleine Happy New Yearzenspelche!!

And really, doesn’t that just say it all?

Happy 2016.

From all of us at HCwDB.

Which is still just me.

And my ‘Train. And my brand new renovated kitchen.

# posted by douchebag1
Saturday, December 19, 2015

The 12 Days of Douchemas

Christmas3

Happy Ramadan!

EDIT: Sadly the video of “The Twelve Days of Douchemas” that posted (via LiveLeak) wasn’t playing right and the great Mr. Scrotato Head appears to have removed the clip from YouTube. Which means it is gone down the memory hole. Alas, alack, it must live on only in our collective memories as the greatest tribute video ever produced.

So instead here’s a pic of two Yuletoads macking on Jenny.

And a few more Christmas HCwDB for your pleasure/pain:

Five Golden Nims

The Dharmabag lights his orbs on fire

Christmas ‘Canebag

# posted by douchebag1
Monday, November 23, 2015

Thanksgiving Thoughts and Links

Eurobag134

Your humble narrator is pretty rusty at these sorts of things.

But as it’s turkey time, why not give it a go?

Here, just because this married Jew is feeling festive and nostalgic, is your HCwDB Thanksgiving Thoughts and Links:

Everyone has their dream scenario of what Heaven will be like. This is mine.

I cannot wait for the new Superman film.

No matter how nerdy he appears, the inner soul of Michael Cera will always be pure HCwDB.

Feeling nostalgic for vintage HCwDB ? Here’s The headbanner as it looked in 2006. And here it is in 2007 after I got some design all up in this place. Here’s an actual image of your humb narrs writing the site in 2006. And a pic I took in the Douche Vortex (Hard Rock Casino in Vegas) later that year. On the one year anniversary of this site, March 20th, 2007, a dedicated fan emailed me the following list of early HCwDB milestones. Not sure if I was honored or slightly concerned at that level of dedicated readership. Thankfully, after that point the regulars that came here turned out to be much more normal.

And while we’re getting all punctum up in this shizz, here’s my first radio appearance on Britain’s Ugly Phil Show back in January of 2007. I sound confused and slow because I am both confused and slow. And yes, it was that appearance that gave me the idea to call my show “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” when MTV told me “douchebag” could not appear in the title.

But enough about this site. Back to the links.

This week in aristocratic, elitsts fratbag douchetools. The media nicknaming this CEO a ‘pharma bro‘ should make all of us pleased to see HCwDBian influence continue in all areas of contemporary culture, even if this site doesn’t get the credit it deserves.

Fake nerd Chris Hardwick has ridden Comicon exploitation all the way to this. And this. Along with Jimmy Fallon, they will squeeze every last ounce of 1980s nostalgia all the way to the bank.

Here’s a clip from an upcoming documentary on Chinatown Fair, the ancient arcade in New York’s Chinatown where you could pay a quarter to make a live chicken dance on a hot plate. I spent many a boozy late night in the 90s making that chicken dance.

Speaking of New York nostalgia, Pete Hamill offers a reflection on how much New York City has changed during his lifetime. Most of what made NYC unique is long gone. I sometimes keep track of all the places I used to love now forced to close because of rent increases on the great blog Vanishing New York.

Hells, lets go further back in time.

February, 1986. Brookline, Massachusetts. The Edward Devotion School gymnasium. Seventh and Eighth Grade Valentine’s Day Dance. 8:32pm. Your humble narrator asks a sexy twelve year old Russian Jewess named ‘Masha’ to join him for his very first slow dance. She seems uninterested. Reluctantly says yes. The song? This masterwork from 1984. They dance. Then Masha excuses herself. Two songs later, Masha is slow dancing with Erik, captain of the basketball team and future semi-employed Masshole.

And the first seeds of HCwDB were planted.

Happy Turkey Day!

# posted by douchebag1
Saturday, October 31, 2015

Happy Halloween from HCwDB!!

AdamPoobert

BOO!!

EDIT: Apparently upset at this revival mocking of Closet of Poo enshrinee The Poopaloompa, someone named Luna posted in the comments thread to offer a defensive justapoopafication:

——
The funny thing about this “douche bag” is that he is one of the kindest people alive today, but none of you take the time to know this. He probably helped get those women into shape, you know, because he is a personal trainer as well as a very successful musician. What have any of you done to better your lives, you know, besides making a website dedicated to putting down other people you know absolutely nothing about. The real douche bag reward belongs to every single one of you on account of being jealous twats.
——

Let us all marvel at the benevolence of this guy. For let he who is without ab crunch cast the first hottie training session.

# posted by douchebag1
Friday, October 23, 2015

The Evolution of Hottie/Douchey Cohabit

18005

Hark! Halt!

Put down that greasy/lumpy cig smoking choadtollery cohabit with Sultry Poor Credit Charlotte and listen!

Like Willy Loman, attention must be paid!

Douche with Hott Paradox is now, finally, evolutionarily and Darwinianly explained!

Yes, it all now makes sense.

Chief Dances With Crabs.

Poppa Squatter.

Even this unholy collection of toxic sparrow spittle.

Brazilian Emo Hulk understands. It knew it this entire time.

The answer was simple. The rippling lobsterian torsos of fate are nothing more than the mechanism of deception by which hott is fooled.

I suppose after eight years of this site in its prime, we already knew that. But what the heck. It is good to be reminded once again.

# posted by douchebag1
Older Posts