All Good Mock Must Come to an End
It’s time.
The hottie/douchey mock has been an embedded and integral part of my life for eight years now.
We have explored the vacuity of club culture in every permutation we could find. It has been an incredible journey. But it is time for me to stop. At least as a daily blog.
That being said, nothing’s ever really over in internet land. HCwDB will carry on. But in a different way now. Perhaps as an archive of the past eight years of hottie/douchey poo stain on our culture. Perhaps on message boards. Or in occasional updates.
But today marks the end of the HCwDB experiment in its initial run.
And who better to send us off then the first breakout hottie/douchey doucherstars of this site, the late, great, majesty of inflation and boob grab that is Pumpy? Like many of purest of uberbags, Pumpy burned as bright as he did briefly. The Pumpster left us far too soon, but is forever in our hearts and boob fondles.
There is so much I want to reflect on. Please indulge me. While it is impossible to tell the full journey of HCwDB in all of its multifaceted complexity, I do want to hit some of the high (and low) notes.
Or, if you’d like to hear me tell it in my own words, listen to the podcast I did a few weeks ago in New York (dated 2/17/14). It covers a lot of the behind the scenes drama of the rise of HCwDB.
What started as a goofy blog idea for a few friends almost exactly eight years ago quickly turned into a viral phenomenon and then, improbably, a career.
Here are some of my thoughts on the run:
The Early Years
It all began in the dark days of 2006.
One day I saw a ridiculously hot girl walking around with an orange tanned chest shaved Ed Hardy wearing fauxhawk and stupid bling sporting tattooed assmunch.
Something had to be done.
Someone had to speak up.
A voice of protest shouting at the canker sore lip herp spreading across the humorless land of Pickup Artist cacaphony and really stupid manscaping.
I had no clue what I was doing. Daily picture blogs didn’t even exist. My free blogger software forced me to upload my images to imageshack and cut and paste them in.
Although the pics have been lost to imageshack hosted time, here’s what my first few weeks of posts looked like. The writing? Not so impressive.
But mock I must. And so I did.
I set a few rules.
No real names of people in the pics. Takedown requests would be honored. PG-13 language if possible.
And, of course, self-deprecation at the heart of all mock.
I felt these rules were fair enough to allow pointed hottie/douchey commentary to take place.
I was pleased and amazed to find that others wanted to join me in mocking douchebags and lusting hotts in all its primal monkey-poo lizard brain herd wrongness.
I began to receive a few emails. Then more. Then, eventually, thousands over the years. Some hilarious. Some dangerous. Some bizarre. Some intelligent. Some depressing. Many threatening legal action. Some quite poignant. Some angry. Some very silly.
Of course, as I kept trying to tell everyone, I’m the biggest douchebag of all.
Gradually the site began to ingratiate itself in the interweb consciousness.
Gainin’ Steam
Around 2007, the site began to take off.
Rolling Stone plugged the site in its “best of the web” column. I did my first radio interview on a British radio show called The Ugly Phil show. You can listen to the interview here (the music is also what inspired me to name my MTV show). You can tell how nervous and amazed I am that anyone is talking about HCwDB.
Yahoo made HCwDB a pick of the week. Thrillist featured me as well. Here was my somewhat incredulous post from the day that I realized HCwDB was starting to explode.
I began to hear from a number of military personnel serving overseas in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One pilot in Afghanistan emailed me privately for months promising to send me a t-shirt of his unit when he got back home. Then one day I stopped hearing from him. I have no idea if he even made it home. I was just humbled and honored to know that HCwDB was able to brighten up their dreary days in those hellholes.
I realized that mocking the silliness of youth culture had an element of profundity to it.
People needed to laugh.
And who better to laugh at then douchebags?
I was interviewed on the enormously popular Los Angeles morning drive radio show, The Kevin and Bean Show. The site crashed from all the hits.
I learned that HCwDB was being hosted on a shared server. I learned what a server was. And then quickly upgraded.
I did more interviews. This included Playboy Radio. You can listen to the interview on Playboy Radio here (starts 34 minutes in).
In May, Simon & Schuster bought my book pitch. Here’s Gawker’s snarky post from that day.
I began work on my book, one that I remain quite proud of. Especially when I got to see it given so many times, interestingly enough, as wedding gifts.
And that, I thought, was that. What more could a blogger hope for than to write a book?
Much more, as it turned out.
HCwDB Comes of Age
2008 was when the site really exploded.
And by exploded, I mean oiled up cans in proxy with spiked up choddlescrote.
HCwDB got even more press. The book sparked a debate in Las Vegas.
I had the uberhott Elizabeth Banks talk up the site on The Tonight Show and Jerry O’Connell plug it on an embedded late night show that has since disappeared into the ether. I did many radio interviews. I even turned down a bunch of TV because I was lazy and a bit shy.
My book came out in July.
I did signings in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. I had the pleasure of meeting dozens of readers in each of those cities. Suddenly the abstraction of writing HCwDB had become real. I signed everything from books to Ubiquitous Red Cups.
Then I got sued. A few times. But luckily there’s this thing called The Constitution. Both cases were thrown out of court for sheer ridiculousness.
I got agents. I wrote up a reality show pitch. I pitched it. I sold it to MTV. Another network that wanted the show but didn’t get it went ahead and made it anyway. I remain unamused.
But I had my show and I was thrilled. I got to create, cast, executive produce and write voiceover for what was the best HCwDB show I could have hoped for, Is She Really Going Out With Him?. MTV let me run with it for three seasons and call a bunch of serious scrotes out. A pleasure indeed.
The show was a solid hit on MTV. The book got optioned by New Line. I wrote two drafts of a script for the studio. Sadly, the movie never got greenlit. But other than that bump in HCwDB’s conquering of the world, it has been a lifechanging pleasure to mock douches and lust hotts for your daily entertainment.
The Golden Years
For the next few years, the mock was choice. Submissions were high. The comments threads were bumpin’. I was pleased to see the douche mock expanding even further into all corners of the pop culture consciousness.
But even with the success of the TV show and book, the core of HCwDB has always the website. And we have mocked some very toxic hottie/douchey examples over the years. Sometimes readers met up with each other.
I encourage you to peruse the archives located in the left hand column. Or just check out the Hall of Scrote and Hall of Mock. You can read of Douchie Awards in years past.
Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy still roil my nethers.
The classic ‘bagitude of the now antiquated Joey Porsche.
The face most deserving of a fish slap that still haunts my nightmares in Fish Slap.
The vile arrogance of The Ab Lobster.
The endless party of King Douchuous the IV.
The ridiculousness of Kisseus Vomitorious.
The arrest, release, relapse, and updates of Hall of Scrote Chicagoan Donkey Douche have embodied the HCwDB ethos for years. Or just read The Donkster in his own words.
So many epic scrote/hotts. So little time.
I must acknowledge the epic douchery of The Gator, the lumpyness of Smoot, the stupid chicken frying poetry of Stackhouse the Poet, the party spikes of Four Prong, the ass-bite of Benzino, the sad desperation of Mack the Nozzle, and the ridic face carve of Brothabag Leon, just off the top of my head. But there were so many other profound scrotal sores over the years. How could I sum them all up in one post?
At the heart of it all, The Unholy Grieco sits. The Unholy Source Douche and I even interacted on Facebook once. Now I just sorta feel bad for the guy.
And lets not forget the sheer, unadulterated joy of classic bro Bra!! Has anyone ever enjoyed a tasty cola beverage in presence of a hot chick more than Bra!!? We can all learn a Zen lesson in life enjoyment from our favorite party pud.
The great Vin Douchal even composed an ode to Bra!! among many other HCwDB song classics.
Or this friggin’ guy. I didn’t even remember him until going through the archives. But what a piddling example of hottie/douchey wrongness. Yech.
The epic hottness of Halo Angel, Brunette Rhea, Arielle, Anya, Holly, Francine, just to name a few, still dazzle with the purity of suckle thigh. And the lawsuits of uberhott Champagne Katie and Billy Dee Willhelm still amuse. And then my own personal adventures in singledom with the lovely Veronica.
Many a fine moment was had by your humble narrator during this crazy run.
A Look Back
But, if I had to pic, no pic featured on the site better encapsulated the travesty of hottie/douche cohabit than early 2008’s Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott (pictured here).
We’ve seen far douchier douches.
And at least equivalent hott hotts.
But no festering nuclear dump of a combination quite captured the essence of wrongness like these two.
The spikey hair. The stupid shirt. The aggressive, arrogant posturing machismo captured in mid-lick.
And the innocent Mayan Eye of Coitus expressed by Quartasian Mia Sara Hott in (im)perfect counterbalance.
Festering stew. So wrong.
And of couse let us not forget Deathtongue and Quartasian Mia Sara Hott ii.
QMSH even won Hottest Hott of the Year at the 2008 Douchie Awards.
So many amazing/horrifying HCwDB couples over the years. I can’t even begin to cover all the adventures we’ve had together on this site.
I even managed to get in a few quality rants on subjects like Spring Breakers, New York in the 1980s, the death of Al Goldstein, or just a general hate of douche culture. There were my thoughts on Lorde and The Boston Bomber Rolling Stone cover. The rank atrociousness of people likethe late, unlamented Andrew Breitbart, Donald Trump, Brett Favre, Mel Gibson and Dr. Drew.
I journeyed to Lane Meyer’s house to search for his two dollars.
I had quality righteous spew directed at peak Douche John Meyer and again.
We witnessed Poo. Lots and lots of poop. Prompa Poop.
Or, uhm,…. Moobs.
And then there was the Pear. Lots and lots of Pear.
Let us also remember the genius of the tribute HCwDB videos. In addition to Vin Douchal’s epic compositions there was Foglizard’s Douchebags.
And this little piece of brilliance from back in 2009, created by HCwDB’s own Mr. Scrotato Head:
HCwDB in the News
Then there was the flipside. The dozens of imitators, ripoff sites porny vidoes, countdown videos, music videos, parody videos, animated videos, gym videos, and comedians cashing in on the HCwDB experience as much as they could. Without even the courtesy of a link to my site or mentioning of my book.
All of those pretenders and thieves can suck it! HCwDB will always be where douche mock first originated. To those in Hollywood, if you have to steal other people’s ideas to entertain, kill yourself (to paraphase the great Bill Hicks). This is the real deal. It always will be.
On a related note, I always enjoyed this Adam Carolla rant set to HCwDB pics. That’s what led to my appearance on the Adam Carolla podcast. Also worth a listen if interested.
Now, eight years later, our victories our many. Today we see rejection of overpriced t-shirts, stupid bling, and peacocking spectacle that once ruined our cornflakes and micturated on our collective rugs.
Looking back I feel privileged to have been able to chart a nation’s cultural transformation.
And what can I say about the cadre of brilliant regulars who brought daily poo-fling in the comments threads? You guys kept me going years past the point when I probably should have shut things down around here.
The “Hall of Mock” in the left hand column is our Hall of Fame and honors some of the top regulars. But lets be sure to toast each and every one of you with a cup of Night Train fortified wine. I even thank those not on the plaques who submitted pics or just chimed in every so often. I read almost all the comments threads. It was always a joy.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a special belly fondle to the great DarkSock. A supreme mockist who filled in for me on numerous walkabouts and brings a keen mind and boat crashing punk rock anarchy to all that he touches.
And then, last August, BabyChick1 (BC1) arrived.
Suddenly mocking douches and lusting their hotts suddenly didn’t come as organically as it once did. Not to mention that I need to save up my creative energy for new projects like a tantric version of Sting in mid-coitus.
So today seems like a good day to say thank you to all that have joined me on this journey of mock into the heart of American culture in the digital age. The last eight years have been incredible. I had a platform to spew my daily thoughts and people who responded to it.
It’s the eight year anniversary in about a week. And so that seems like a nice bookend.
I will take a month or three off. I’ll still be doing house cleaning around here. Like adding Brothabag Edgar to the Closet of Poo.
And then I will probably start occasionally posting again here and there when I can. If I find a pic or a rant worthy of attention.
So I wouldn’t call this site dead-dead.
More like on walkabout. For now.
But just because HCwDB will not be updating that does not mean I won’t be around. I am working on a number of new projects that I’m quite excited about. Hopefully good news will be announced in due time. In the meantime I will start updating on my long dormant sister site, Lucky Punkass, again. All of your avatars/IDs should carry over there. Feel free to join me and say hi.
You can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram, both of which I try to keep active. Or just drop me an email: douchebag1 at hotchickswithdouchebags.com.
I have much left to say/rant/complain about in life. I just can’t keep mocking douchebags over and over. Nor did I want to transform this site into something it was never meant to be.
So let us close the books on the HCwDB run. It was glorious. I have seen my writing and our mock influence everything from the game changing impact of The Jersey Shore to the “Douche Jar” mocking of Schmidt on New Girl.
And let us bow our head and appreciate the power of the mock. The power of pointing out the hypocrisy and economic violence of a media and corporage industry hellbent on selling “sex” in high priced packages. Douchey t-shirts and overpriced bodyspray. All part of the long con. The marketing hypnosis meant to brainwash us into thinking we need spikey hair and overpriced products to perform the universal coital dance. We do not. Coitus is free. If you want it. (to paraphrase John Lennon).
That’s what HCwDB has always stood against. And always will.
Now let us repose with a pack of tasty Hostess HoHos and a cup of Night Train.
Life is good.
Shortcut to the 2005 DarkSock Time Warp o’ 2005. Sons.
Huzzah!
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Huzzah!!
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Huzzah!!!
I must commend you for calling a ‘W’ a ‘W’ and walking away. The mock will go on, but on behalf of like-minded shit-talkers everywhere, thanks DB1.
I think it’s a sign HCwDB has done its job when teen girls aren’t ‘mean girls’, but become culture jammers – with the ugly selfie:
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http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/23/fashion/selfies-the-uglier-the-better-technology.html?_r=0
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“The ugly selfie, then, is a kind of playful slice of authenticity in an age where everything seems airbrushed to perfection.”
“’In one tap of their iPhone, these girls are participating in a visual coup d’état.’”
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And this article is particularly relevant here, given Hermit’s prescient speculation about the first selfie.
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Because, it states: “In fact, it was a teenage girl — a Russian grand duchess — who is believed to have taken the first-ever selfie, with a box camera, in 1913.”
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Here’s to the hope HCwDB has had a positive influence on societal self awareness.
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Also, I’m glad the Sock’s back is back in action.
Jay:
THANK YOU for all you’ve done with this site. Sad to see it end, but I get it. Best of luck with your future endeavors. I’m sure you’ll be successful with anything you do.
All good things come to an end.
Good on you for realizing this and going out your way instead of letting the site sink into suckitude.
Carry on.
Thanks for letting us mock the universe, of which we ourselves are just dust but also mockable, and letting us peruse breasts and assbutts on pg13 sites viewable without employer web blockage
Thanks for the good times DB1. I wish you and yours the best.
I’m crying salty fuccen tears of sadness and joy.
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Thanks for the chance to participate and vent and mock.
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Dwallnuts@gmail.com to stay in touch.
There ain’t but one think to do for it, during the long dark stretches between posts….
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DB1 once fought a bear cub using only a high-powered rifle, a 9mm glock and a smaller bear cub in the hinterlands of Minnesota.
DB1 has shotgun nipples that he uses to blast spurts of fresh salsa uponst party dishes full of nacho chips. But no one at the party eats them; they just hold hands and stare at them solemnly. Because these are now the Chips of Justice.
DB1 once ate a turtle, all nice n’ slow like. I watched from behind a New Orleans church podium.
DB1 once crossed Death Valley with nothing but a half-empty cocktail glass full of Mimosa with a booger in it. You don’t ever sass a bar-keep. Especially in a Nevada titty-bar. Son.
DB1 cooks pork roast in crock pots seasoned with toothpaste.
DB1 once did a tracheotomy on a wheezing army mule with nothing but a piece of raw elbow macaroni and a mannequin foot.
DB1 invented rice. And back hair.
DB1 lives inside a chupacabra and was raised by a bottle of Dasani™.
DB1 speaks only in Unicode. And the Pompidous of Love.
DB1 once donkey-punched a wax statue of Himmler. He made the statue out of the ear wax of Haitian victims. Pre-Earthquake.
DB1 can fart so forcefully it breaks the speed of sound. All you can hear is the sound barrier being punctured. It smells of Albanian hospice lintels. And JUSTICE. Now you feel badly. Don’t you?
DB1 has a bicameral penis.
DB1 cuts his own hair. With his own hair.
DB1 invented scissoring, and coffe. With one “e”. It’s better than regular coffee. It tastes like pre-Korean war Pepsi™.
DB1 once won a pissing contest. By shitting.
DB1 is an anagram for “MTV”. Medical FACT.
DB1 killed and ate Snooki. When he shat her out, the other fecal nuggets went on to star with Snooki’s shit-golem carcass in the now-infamous “Jersey Shore™”.
DB1 has sex in Sanskrit (respect).
DB1 has a trademark on the “™” symbol™. And the word “symbol™”. And “cymbal™”, just to make sure that shit’s locked the fuck DOWN. Son.
DB1 invented the practice of putting the word “son” at the end of practically any sentence. Son. (™)
DB1 Once shoplifted two sides of beef from a store called MeatLand. Nobody noticed.
DB1 never buys retail. Unless it’s at a 150% off sale.
I guess there is no penultimate so my pic of Glenn doing Elizabeth with Donna Brazile up his ass will wait for another place.
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On a sad note: The cousin that I mentioned blowing me on a golf course in a tale was true, and she died unexpectedly of cancer last night at 41.
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This site saw me through the financial crisis and mild insanity. I really do get my weed from Lenny my chaffeur and get wasted all the time and shit. Good tome to be busy at work and going to grad school again.
And shit. Sons.
DB1 doesn’t need a Luge, he runs the course. Uphill.
DB1 set the bench press record at the NFL Combine. And when I say bench press record I mean he banged a ton of Puessy. (Pronounced pew- see)
Well this sux!!!
So now what the fucck am I gonna do? Real honest-to-goodness work? This place was my panacea from all the fucktardery of my world where I could share and get a laugh from a bunch of people as fucked up as me. This and Harold Ramis dies of the same fuccen day. Aw fucck it. Let’s roast DB1 like he’s never been roasted before. Since ‘Sock has already started…
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DB1 climbed Mount Everest naked and walking backwards using only his massive schlong for a walking stick.
Let’s not forget some of the epic posts by the regs here, I for one am a big fan of Hermit and I saved this beauty cause he truly nailed. Enjoy!!!
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“Their cell phones and “social media” have become an extension of themselves and a poor substitute for meaningful face-to-face relationships. Poisoned by a constant intravenous drip of useless electronic information, they’re no longer living, breathing humans, but more a series of soulless, digital images. They are members of a post-industrial non-culture. Their self-worth is reduced to the number of so-called “friends” accumulated on face book.
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They are an entire generation, relegated to bits of data traveling at a frenetic pace, but going nowhere. A legion of pathetic, frog raping propagates, devoid of warmth, lacking in spirit and incapable of meaningful speech. No longer capable of expressing feelings beyond their own self-indulgent whims and desires. Philosophic thought is no deeper than what can be displayed in a one-hundred-forty character message displayed on the cell phone screen.
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Their trivial messages travel between metallic towers, looking down upon them with ominous, blinking eyes and are then beamed up to hovering, faceless satellites orbiting the earth like buzzing flies drawn to the stench of a dying carcass. These encoded non-thoughts are beamed back again through a series of technological advances traveling through space at light-speed, but wholly devoid of substance.
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Every time you hear an incoming text message alert or that inane Twitter® birdcall, you’re listening to the sound of societal unraveling.”
Bunsen nailed it. Harold AND DB1 both going away on the same day?!
And here’s hoping DW sends us out with a killer reminiscence
Thanks again, DB1, and good night.
Crucial Head, Pfah, DarkSock, BCS and Mr White and others were a tightknit group when I peeked in around here back in the early days. I didn’t have much to add as these guys were magnificent.
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AOL chatrooms and sports threads at World Crossings were my gig. Then a mock/line here or there , a once in a while acknowledgement of their comment and then the flood gates opened.
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If you had game you could stay. Then out of the clear blue sky and surprisingly unmentioned by Db1 above, The Samurai Scrote Thread broke out
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Non-stop hilarity minute by minute as it hit 3000 comments. Then a spoken goal of 5000. Then the unimaginable 10,000 threshold. Over the course of days Samurai Scrote became a mega-hero, a bizarro universal diety.
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Someone discovered some YouTubes of him playing guitar in a band (Wheezer? Got them somewhere?). His omnipresence was as overbearing as L Ron Hubbard on crack, as Snooki getting smushed as Richard Grieco‘s blood, poo, jizm and pus being considered art.
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If you’ve done nothing else to further this place , as in sending photos or links, do yourself the pleasure of reading all 11,236 posts.
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It’s a history as fraught with stupid genius as it is rife with comedy chops by the funniest collection of internet misfits possibly ever.
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It also taught us the plural of penis is penii
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@Db1,
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Thanks for the time and effort put in to amuse us. Your captions are classic, your names spot on and your patience in letting things flow in the comment section were what gave this place it’s momentous, epic run
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Good luck on your future endeavors
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Fuck Fishslap
How’s about we all just migrate to a serious site and carry on like we’s still here?
Or all get Twitter handles and follow each other and do the same? Or Tumblr accounts? Perhaps it’s time to get a way from the traditional website model…
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Twitter might be best.
TLDNR
And fuck you all.
Good times and great laughs, glad to have been a small part of it all. Thanks DB1 and all the mockery out there.
Wallnuts: I do believe I like that idea.
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just read the whole Samurai Scrote thread for the first time. Tears running down my face. Some of the best lines ever.
What the fuck? I leave for a few weeks any you you all not only loose the great douche war, but remissness about the epic loss like Frenchmen or something. At least have the decency to fall on your swords. Or each others swords.
remissness…. thanks spelcherk
If anyone would like to join me, I’m doing an AMA on Reddit for the next few hours or so. Stop on by and show me the suckle fondle! Wait, what?
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1ytcin/i_am_the_creator_and_writer_of_the_blog_hot/
People on reddit seem like fucking assholes. I’m glad I don’t know what the fuck it is.
Fuck Reddit.
DB1
Thanks very much for sharing all your considerable talent and great sense of humour. Those who don’t get this site are a grim bunch indeed. You have served us well and we are indebted to your generosity of spirit. Always remember the site came about for all the right reasons. While here it continued to drop its stages on society like a Moonshot rocket and now, as it officially blasts off for the final time, once again the thinking behind your decision is first rate. May your career trajectory now take you into unknown and previously inexperienced areas of joy and complete satisfaction. Hot Chicks With Douchebags dot com shall remain ample testimony to your patience, your endurance and you good taste. There is nothing greater reward because such things are there own reward. Go forth and multiply – suggested in the nicest possible way. The world needs more of your kind.
– PT
* ‘there is no greater reward’
Re: reddit. Fuck mjh84. Posts that shit at the end of AMA’s all the time. Like they’re the harbinger of taste.
True, Vin. Here’s his (confirmed) twitter:
https://twitter.com/matt__harris
DB1 – I’ve been around since 2008. My wife calls this my porn site. I’ve enjoyed this site as much as PornHub(respect). I appreciate the comedy, insight and the rants of the regulars and would make HCWDB a standing daily visit.
I especially liked the Douchebag of the month segment whereas I could throttle my penis looking at multiple hotties or when Dark Sock would take over the pear entries.
Your writing was awesome and many times had me laughing out loud. I don’t blame you for snookie becuase no one could have made that train wreck up.
Good luck to your future, your family and may the mock continue.
Fuck Fishslap and Sons
Also, we never saw boob fondle to equal that of Pumpy’s, God love him.
DB1, thanks so much for creating a home for all of us hatterz and angry c*nts. Now that HCwDB has reached the end of it’s glorious run, we mockers will wander about in the wilderness for a while before pulling up our britches and making for our own, personal promised land. And like the Hebrews of old, who during their many decades of shuffling about in the desert berating the camel salesmen with offhanded “You call that a hump how can you call that a hump why I’ve seen better humps on my cousin Estel you should be so lucky to have a hump like hers Yaweh bless her soul”, we will continue to shirk from our responsibilities while bitching “Do you see how she’s dressed?! Where is her mother? And that boy?! Oi vay!” to anyone who’ll listen.
I drifted into my own wilderness early last year. Life catches up to all of us at one point or another. But I’ve lurked, oh how I’ve lurked. Yours was a creative outlet for societal rage and indignation. A zeros and ones mirror held up to the world screaming “WHAT THE F*CK?! SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE F*CK?” And I will be forever grateful for the opportunity, day after hottie-filled day, to lend my voice to the chorus.
I penned this little ditty several years back. Seems a fitting thank you and farewell. Best of luck DB1, and to all my fellow hatterz.
To the Tune of “American Pie”, by Don McLean (If you don’t know it, turn off yer dubstep tunez and find someone with a turntable and real vinyl)
Cheeseburgers and Fries
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A long long time ago
I was once a member
Of a gang of bro’s who ruled the coast
And I knew if my moves were tight
That I’d get pussy every night
If you was there you’d know that ain’t no boast
Filling crème pies made me quiver
With each load that I’d deliver
But gray hairs down where I pee
Turned boners into mem’ries
Then my whole world came crashing down
When all the bleeth up and left town
I was the king without a crown
The day the douchebag died
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So now I cook cheese burgers and fries
Drove my parents to disown me I’m the one they despise
And my old bro-heims they got the AIDS and they died
For a dollar more you can super-size
For a dollar you can up-size
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Yeah I wrote the Book of Scrote
My cockk shoved down each and every throat
Of the jump offs and the hos
Now do you spend time at glory holes?
Do hormones make your muscles swole?
Easy bud you have to talk real Slooooooow.
Well, I should have known she was a him
But her tits were big and her waist was slim
We both did a coke line
Man, she looked good from behind
It was a long night and I needed to f*ck
When she dropped her thong I saw the tuck
That I knew I would have to suck
The day the douchebag died
It tastes like chicken
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I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
I could work at the call center but this dude don’t wear ties
And this fast food joint hires anyone who applies
In five years I’ll have my own franchise
One day I’ll have my own franchise
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Now, for two months I been on my own
And fat grows thick ‘round this shriveled bone
But that ain’t how I used to be
We rocked the clubs in the Bronx and Queens
In Affliction shirts and bedazzled jeans
Learned my tribal tat sez “Pork and Beans”
Everywhere there was pussy to pound
DJ Bello played his funky sound
Our shaved groins we revealed
No crushed abs were concealed
And while Bello frolicked in the parking lot
We all got blowjobs from some hott
And baked our brains on skunky pot
The day the douchebag died
Is something burning?
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I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
Lost my girlfriend to my buddy now I date a plus-size
And her saggy tits muffle the sound of my cries
F*ckin onions put these tears in my eyes
Onions put these tears in my eyes
.
Tight turd cutter filled with baby butter
The thought still makes my engine sputter
But good things never seem to last
Like all my broheims I obsess
On getting hotties to undress
With my hat tilt, and wristdana I impress
Now her low cut dress flashed fake balloons
I had to get my hands on soon
She took a downward glance
There was no swell in my pants
I tried to say it was the coke
That in time she’d get a nasty poke
My sex life had become a joke
The day the douchebag died
My break is over
.
I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
For McDonalds from today until the day that I die
And my coworkers they all call me thunder thighs
Right now Star Wars is the Happy Meal prize
Can I have your Happy Meal prize?
.
Oh, some say we were a total waste
A generation filling space
A life style you can’t defend
So f*ck off I ain’t humble, I’m a slut
I’d even pee in a horse’s butt
‘Cuz hot tubs are a DockSock’s fav’rite friend
But when I read that “Hot Chicks” page
I banged my cell phone keys with rage
You can all go to hell
Who cares if I can’t spel
As the posts piled high on that hatter site
To fight the spreading Grieco blite
I heard Medusa cackling with delight
The day the douchebag died
My girlfriend’s pregnant
.
I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
I could be a steel cage fighter wrestling with other guys
With my awesome moves and tat that says “Fight or Die”
This’ll be the year that I try
This’ll be the year I might try
.
I met a dude who just said “Groooo?”
And I asked him why we smelled like poo
But he just put on more Axe spray
So I went down to the Jersey Shore
Where I’d rocked the shocker years before
And saw orange skin and Ed Hardy on display
For in the clubs the Guidos raged
E-Blo stared, and Fish Slap aged
‘Cuz did I fail to mention?
We don’t pay no attention
And the three bro’s in the tanning bed
Stackhouse, Smoot, and Crimson Ted
They just ignored old Scrotato Head
The day the douchebag died
I need a ride home
.
I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
I’m so fake so superficial that I don’t realize
That the life I’ve lived was just a series of lies
Would you like a hot apple pie?
Nothing beats a hot apple pie
We were singing
.
We, we cook cheese burgers and fries
Drove our parents to disown us we’re the ones they despise
And our old bro-heims they got the AIDS and they died
For just a dollar more you can up-size
For a dollar more you can up-size
Thanks for everything DB1. Great run. Great fun.
.
Ricky always had a special place in my heart- he was the everydouche, the douche within. May he go on with his bad self in perpetuity.
.
John Largeman shout out probably belongs in here somewhere as well.
.
.
The question has been posed before, but why not a gathering of Commentor legends in Vegas? Seems like it would be a nice way to end this. Otherwise, I guess I’ll be signing up for a twitter account if DW’s idea floats.
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Good game gentlemen. It was always a pleasure.
.
Thanks again DB1. The best to you and your budding family…
@ FredN
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Yankee fan with photo of the Mets uni. Gah. Gotta be a Guid
and FUCK FISH SLAP!!!
.
SLAPWHOAR!
There hailed a man from Brookline
Hopped up on Twinkies® & fortified wine
He moved to L.A. for work & play not knowing one day he would create a sensation.
D-Bags spiked hair filled with gel to their Axe Body spray foul smell was a focal point of his irritation
The mock that ensued focused on Hot Chicks and D-Bags whose attitudes reeked of poo. Eight funny years filled with laughter, disgust and whoo.
I will miss this site as it has been a mainstay over the past several years giving me chuckles and on occasion salty tears.
The regs are the best whose skills at mock & jest is quite simply the best. Yinz guys & gals rock and may yee never give up the mock.
LONG LIVE JOHN LARGEMAN!!!!! our patron saint.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2010/06/29/john-largeman-is-watching/
@DWallnuts
This Twitter could be interesting. I wonder if you can invest in it.
An Irish Proverb:
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May your subsequent children have thick foreskins,
And now we know how the fish felt at the end of Nemo.
.
DB1 once slapped Fish Slap with a live hammerhead.
Douchebag1, thanks for all of the mock and hot chicks over the years. I don’t comment that often, but I do regularly check this site, and I always find it to be among the most amusing on the web. I look forward to whenever you post again.
Jurassic Douche
Thank you for your humor, Jay. It has been a pleasure reading your blog.
[weeps quietly in corner…..]
A major part of my daily ritual is lost….. life is not worth living……
Questions:
1. Who will now be supplying the pear? I must have regular pear, and I’m just good enuf at this whole internet thing to find it myself.
2. Is not “jumpoff hobag” the greatest phrase in the history of this site?
3. How could you possibly end without a final competition to name the greatest douchebag of all, and the Hottest Hott of All Hottness, the source of all global warming? C’mon, stay with us a couple more week for the competition of the ages!
4. Can we at least have Friday haiku? Please?
Hey guys, I’m back! D’I miss anything?
The Old Choad is sad….but so happy to have met and shared (many a laugh) with all of you.
.
.
.Party (and mock) on DB1. You are a hero to all of us.
Greatest web site on the intertubes.
Only really 2 things to say.
To the venerable Mr. Sock, may your teeth ever be parted wide enough to strain corned beef.
and
Fuck Fish Slap FUCCEN!/ SLAPWHOAR TARMAL
Thanks, DB1! You have made my life appreciably better, which is more than I can say for the rest of this big-bag world.
As the tagger of Brothabag Edgar and many, many other over the years, cheers and enjoy!
Hey! Let’s all get together in Vegas!!!
All great things must come to an end….and Jay Louis’s website will always be considered one of the great ones.
.
.Thanks to you DB1 for the many days and nights of hysterical laughter….and thanks to all of you ‘baghunters for giving me many a giggle — which awakened the Food Gal on many a night when she thought I was looking at porn. (The fact that, occasionally, I WAS looking at porn in no way diminishes the levity this site brought to my household….and to my pants!) .
.
.I will be here all the week.
.
.
.L’Chiam DB1!
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.I am honored to say I know you.
….and like Scooby Douche, Rev Chad, The Sock, DoucheyWallnuts, et al….the Old Choad is now weeping silently in a corner of his abode.
.
.
.Party (and mock) on DB1….and may all of you crazy, lovely douchebag hunters live a full and happy life free from the stain of logo’d clubwear.
I’ve ben coming to this site pretty much from the beginning. As an Italian from Brooklyn borne and raised, this site was a real breath of fresh air. While being bombarded with their rap and/or techno music blasting outta their shitty cars while cruising back from the 18th ave. feast (I live only a few blocks away from there), this site was my sanctuary.
I didn’t contribute pics often as my friends and friends of friends were thankfully nowhere near the virus (though I can’t say the same for some of my extended family). Nor did I comment often, as my mock levels never left the rookie status. However, after that fateful day back in 2006 when my brother introduced this site to me, I can honestly say without exaggeration that I have checked the site EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It’s been one heck of a ride and as much as I hate to see it go (as I feel I’m leaving a part of myself behind as well), I feel that the mock has succeeded. Ed Hardy gets you laughed at now (along with affliction), no one is sporting the “Gotti cut” (taper? Blow-out? who gives a shit), and most importantly, the mock itself is now mainstream.
Godspeed DB1. Thanks for all the memories, all the laughs, and all that is mock.
All hail douchebag1! Hail! Hail! Hail!
Dearest DB1,
I for one will miss your daily musings on the interminable (in) human condition. Truth be told, I shall forever keep your seminal tome nestled securely on the shelf with my other well-read classics (It sits right between Dante’s Inferno and Don Quixote right now, actually), and will gladly wax scrotastic as I reminisce upon the innumerable times that I’ve turned to HCWDS; using it as a panacea to get me through the day. I look forward to your next Magnum Opus, no matter the form it takes. Whatever you do, please keep writing, and writing. Grunt-n-Squirtingly Yours, Manimal
Fuck Fish Slap!
May Zool bless you on your future endeavors.
Awesome re-cap Boss…
Standing ovation WITH slow clap!
Again, THANKS SO MUCH for all the laughs. It was a solid and magnificent run indeed. My sincerest gratitude for giving my day a dose of top shelf humor all those years… Truly.
Best of luck in all your future endeavors my friend!
-Battlescrote Galactica
Goodbye all. Thanks to DB1 for keeping this going for as long as he did. Better to go out with a laugh than to let it wither and die ignominiously. For all the hard work, flak and talent that has been put in to this we salute you.
And many thanks to Darksock. There are many posters on here who deserve mention but I am a lazy bastard so I will focus on the one who has made me laugh the most over the years. His greased poodle cannon post still holds the record for most laughter I have got out of anything on the internet.
I cannot tell you how many people I introduced to your site down here in Sydney, and for many of them , it was bit too close to home, if you know what I mean.
Thanks for holding a mirror up to society, and for stirring the pot in the funniest and most tongue-in-cheek way. Yours was the first site I viewed every day for the last eight years, DB1, we shared baby pics privately and the rest of your contributors made me laugh out aloud hundreds of times.
The Rev, Vin D, Jaques, and many more – I will miss all of you.
Many thanks for all the laughs, and all the very best to your little family. Make some more now you’ve got time on your hands.
Now what fucking site will I turn to now.
“And shit. Son”
Peace out.
The douchebags have won.
Guid is Good, your statement only makes sense if it were possible for the Douchebags to recognize that they were at war in the first place.
.
Sentient beings will, of course, understand that they are under attack. Sentient beings will, of course, change their ways if an awareness blossoms within that they are out-of-norm or acting inappropriately. Instead, the Douchebags, as a whole, act out not because the thought occurs and the body follows, but because the body occurs and then…nothing…no thought occurs before, during, or after.
.
Review the past hundred entries cataloging this war on the Douchebags, and recognize that what may [barely] pass for human on in a picture would never pass a Turing Test in Real Life.
.
And, with that, I sob loudly for losing the one place I could post my thoughts on the war, the poo, and the pearfondle.
This site has been part of my daily routine for about 4 years. Thanks for the entertainment.
Fuck all you guys. You’ve been great.
That last line has me thinking of starting a new blog — “The War, the Poo, & the PearFondle.”
Or, can that be my twitter handle?
I’m also thinking of starting a blog called ‘HotChicksWITHOUTdouchebags” which would basically be porn, I guess.
And the three bro’s in the tanning bed
Stackhouse, Smoot, and Crimson Ted
Now that is poetry.
I came for the hotts, I stayed for the haiku. Job well done, folks. Have a video about horny aliens and the women they love.
Sites that may or may not cut it.
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http://hotchickswithdogswithboners.tumblr.com/
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http://hotchickswithabs.wordpress.com/
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http://www.pinterest.com/spotmebro/hot-chicks-with-abs/
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http://www.hotchickswithstormtroopers.com/
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http://spotmebro.com/hot-chicks-abs/
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http://spotmebro.com/
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http://hotchicksinbatmanshirts.tumblr.com/
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http://www.girlsandcorpses.com/
@Douchedownunder
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I have a plan. It came to me from my now deceased beautiful former teenage cousin that blew me on the golf course. She told me she was not offended by my speaking of our unspeakables in this anonymous manner and there was no shame.
.
“Chad” she spoke soflty in ethereal form. “Get everybody to go to Lucky Punkass and stir shit over there. Post your own shit and carry on my sweet lover.”
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So I’m going to Lucky Punkass Friday when all this funeral shit is over. And shit Sons.
I’ll be at the wake and funeral, as well…
Methinks this comment thread is too long for WordPress to handle – is anyone else’s page all gummed up an’ shit?
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Boss, I may post some more prose later, but for now, I gotta say “Thanks” for all of the absurd yet cutting and witty stuff you posted these 8 years! Between you and the fuccen hatter Warriors who all came out to play-ayyyyyy, I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed myself as much as I have while reading this blog.
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But for now, I think my allergies are still acting up, and it’s hard to see the screen for all the mist. Kudos to one great broheim!
1 0 0 !
.
Heh heh…..
Can’t thank you enough Bossman. Glad to have been a small though “dangerous” (thanks for that!) part of it.
Thanks DB1 for giving me something hilarious to wake up to every day. For several years, before any coffee I check HCwDB and say out loud “doosh-bags” in some kind of retarded Chicago accent. It’s been my ritual.
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Looking fwd to the 2023 Guggenheim retrospective!
Hadn’t listened to my Bra!! tune in a while.
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Forgot about recording myself pissing at the begininng and end. Figured Bra!! has to pee a lot due to copious beverage consumption
This website got me through many humorless workdays. I will miss it!
FAUGKIN FAOGHOTHS!!!!! GIBBACKK TOW WOARKK…NO FUCCECN TARMALL IFF UY KQUITT!!!!!
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SLAPWHAORAES!!!
It sucks this site has reached the end of its road. But like a mouse giving a hawk the finger before its snatched up and eaten, I will continue the cause of douche mocking, even if the cause is lost. Those are ones worth fighting for.
I have been a daily lurker here since about 2008. Reading this thread made me realize how many hours of my life I’ve spent on HCWDB. I rarely commented since my mock game is weak, but sincere thanks to DB1 and the regulars for lots of laughs over the years!
Mock on!
Are you guys still talking about Samurai Scrote? Or Rush?
@The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Sir, I am honoured to have fetched a reply from Your Emminence, and indeed to have been a part of seminal choad/bag/scrote mockery history.
Once more unto the Lucky Punkass. The battle is over, but the war aginst the douche/machines/orcs must go on.Fight the good fight.
Thank you General DB1.
And lo, how many times have I clicked on Jaques Doucheteau’s link and work…Goddamn it! Got me every time.
DB1 is made largely of meat.
DB1 has hair inside of his legs
DB1 caused all that shit in Ukraine.
DB1’s bicycle has tank treads on it.
DB1 has detachable throwing ankles.
DB1 explained to Vladimir Putin what his last name sounds like in English.
DB1 gets up on skyscraper window-washing rigs and fires chowder down on the crowd below.
DB1 can fly laterally like a flying squirrel using only his distended scrotum.
DB1 brushes his teeth with celery and Homer Formby’s furniture polish.
DB1 suffers from high T.
DB1 tells site visitors when they post too quickly, then tells them to slow down. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
DB1 finger-banged Alexis Texas in a Boise Idaho truck stop.
DB1 smelt it before he dealt it.
DB1 is going to reunite the Beatles.
.
With two bullets.
The timing of this whole thing could not be more fortuitous.
.
http://stoneyroads.com/die-antwoord-album-imminent-aphex-twin-collaboration/
How right you are, Douchesdownunder.
Fuck… shit… got me AGAIN!!
This site canNOT end… it must go on!
So many classics… King IV, Joey, Hello Kitty, 4 Prong (which was really 5), the HoH’s that I agree with…
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All those parking lot ‘bags in the Sunday morning videos, Squeazy Jibbs..
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So much Orange…
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Those cretin Twins that apparently get a ton of ass..
.
Mr. Walnuts’ reminisces…
.
And of course, The Beloved Reverend. I can’t believe he outlived this shit.
Man, oh man, You stay off the internet for a couple of days, and the whole world changes. This place has been refuge from stinky culture, thanks to DB1 and all the commenters. I’ll miss the laughs and insights I’ve gotten here.
.
I will, however, have Ariel haunting my dreams for the next couple years, just like last time she showed up on these pages.
.
Long days and pleasant nights.
Joey Fuckin’ Carrera.
Pumpy manhandles
soft bikini cleavite boob
knows not what to do.
Fuck Fish Slap Flyteeth
Plinky’s Mom Samurai Scrote
The Gator rulez all.
Bossman started it
handed it over to us
took the ball running.
Where’s Medusa?
Now that DB1 is free to pursue other interests let us hope that the Alpaca herds of the world return his love in kind.
DB1 once was a Flautist busking for change at Somerville Red Line station.
The hot chick with douche bag paradox can be traced back to television’s earliest days as Jackie Gleason played the role of douchebag Ralph Kramden to Audrey Meadow’s hot chick Alice in “The Honeymooners.” As post war, television-era entertainment continued, this concept was apparent in other programs such as “Bewitched”,” BJ and the Bear,” Wheel of Fortune” and of course “The Flying Nun.” Sometime in the mid-eighties, our host DB1 brilliantly encapsulated this dualistic phenomenon in what became “HCwDB.”
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With the increasing popularity of the internet and newly exploding social media, DB1 exposed this anomaly with color photographs and pithy, cutting witticisms. All the while allowing a group of frustrated, drunken commenters to remark, using the insulated protection of anonymity as shelter to heap scorn upon these purveyors of arrogant fatuousness, while ogling their attractive female counterparts, oftentimes to the point of sexual arousal. This was presented as a war, the goal to somehow remove this scourge. DB1 was the courageous commander leading his dedicated minions to fight the good fight, bravely taking on the foe, as we battled this unrelenting pockmark on society.
.
Now, as the site draws to a close and we lay down our weapons in defeat, it is obvious that this was a war which could not be won. We struggled mightily, fighting hard and amassing casualties, but sadly, deep down in our collective psyche, we all knew failure was inevitable.
.
Ours protests were as those of the aging peacenik chanting to end war as he slips slowly into the abyss of dementia, or the grieving mother who weeps beside the grave of her fallen teenage son calling for an end to street violence. We were as the minister railing against sin or the citizen pleading for an end to political corruption. Our cries were the cries of the wrongfully accused prisoner, screaming for justice from behind the walls of his cramped and cold jail cell, the sounds of his ineffectual wailing echoing off the steel bars and falling upon deaf ears.
.
We were, after all, fighting The Machine, whose emotionless gears turn with metallic detachment, churning on in perpetuity. Grinding flesh and bone. The sweat of the upright and the blood innocent flow onto the floor to pool amongst the rancid grease and discarded cigarette butts of a society which has lost its way.
.
In closing I want to thank DB1 for creating the site which provided me with the most fun I’ve had on the interwebs. I’d also like to thank all the commenters who allowed me to join them, as we engaged in what could be described as an eight year, dickish, virtual circle-jerk.
Rumor has it DB1 will be going out on the road as head roadie for Darksocks band for their upcoming spring fling tour.
I’ll just leave this here:
Rumor has it DB1 will be moving to Albania to be The Gator’s consigliere.
Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
Rumor has it DB1 is gonna potty train the Chairman Mao; he’s gonna make the governor write his doo-doo a letter, child.
.
And he’s gonna grind him up a White Castle slider out of India’s sacred cow.
Rumor has it DB1 is gonna move to Canadia and assume Lenny the Box’s duties.
Rumor has it DB1 will be Flyteeth’s new cellmate on D Block.
Rumor has it DB1 will continue posting comments on the Samurai Scrote thread.
Rumor has it DB1 was just using this as a mirror site to divert the NSA from his alpaca BDSM site.
Jenn. O’Deay. Pear
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Pear, I says.
Rumor has it DB1 has taken up a new hobby:
.
http://cdn.theweek.co.uk/sites/theweek/files/images/100317alpaca–126883186463381500.jpg
Rumor has it DB1 will be hosting the 2022 Winter Olympics in 2020.
Rumor has it DB1 is joining George Clooney and Brad Pitt in Ocean’s 14.
Rumor has it that DB1 peed in a horse.
Rumor has it DB1 peed in a horse named snookie.
DB1 once walked naked into an Awesome convention to model his camouflage skin.
DB1’s prayers resemble trees growing on long-span beams above a fertile Biavian forest.
DB1’s nose whistles Exodus solos when he sleeps on his left side.
DB1 can only eat pizza orthagonally.
DB1’s shoulder blades are unorthadoxed.
DB1 drives a 1984 Datsun Luv Truck made of Romanian toddlers.
DB1 is aesthetically pleasing to noted critics of the Trafalmoador Republic.
Thanks for everything, boss.
DB1 is predominately made of Corinthian columns despite Clarence Thomas’ stern objections upon inception.
DB1 passes gas with James Earl Jones’ authority.
DB1 is Alpha.
This funeral is awesome. And by awesome, I mean I share.
I’m stricken. Nay, right preserved! …By thev Pompodous of Love.
Rev, this is may go as long as HCWDB itself.
DB1’s was circumcised with a grain thresher.
DB1 regularly gets his pubes tangled up in the toilet seat when he pees.
DB1 once shoved some coal up his ass and barfed up a 40 ct diamond.
.
Then he shat out the lump of coal
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Which was twice the size than before
DB1 once clicked on a link of mine.
.
I can’t believe he got me again.
DB1 was there when my wife and I met BVG.
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My wife disappeared, DB1 suddenly had a pregnant wife, and the Baron stopped commenting. Coincidence?
.
Yes…coincidence.
DB1 used the Hindenberg for a condom. It broke. Now he has a kid. Oh the humanity!
DB1 can suck a titty and make it lactate gravel.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
….man titty.
DB1 took Marilyn Chamber’s virginity.
.
Twice.
.
.
.
.
Once before, and once AFTER Behind the Green Door.
DB1 killed Osama Bin Laden
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
26 years ago.
Back in 1927 DB1 was listening to the radio. Then he looked at the radio. And that’s how television was invented.
DB1 bellows small fires up to iron smelting temperature with each fart.
This is the most fun I’ve had on the interwebs…. ever!
DB1 blew his own nose once.
.
.
.
.
.
His nose came.
DB1 goes to the shooting range every Saturday. He converted a 1998 Jeep Cherokee into a long rifle using baling twine and his own diarrhea juices to fashion the receiver and barrel with, Boston Terriers as ammunition, and clones of Reese Witherspoon as targets. He smiles satisfyingly with each yelp and splat as another Boston Terrier blows a Reese Witherspoon head into a fine red mist.
DB1 started the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.
.
There are 4,000,000,000,000 members.
DB1 and Samurai Scrote…
.
No.
And today, on: “When the Shark Jumps Itself”:
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Douchey ‘news’ site reports local douche creates website for outing other local douches in douchey vacation-town:
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2356883/Fed-Hamptons-resident-sets-Douche-Spotter-website-outing-bad-behavior-visiting-tourists.html
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[WARNING – The above article includes an unconfirmed Crotchos sighting]
DB1 created the LA freeway system, as a passive-agressive way to mock douchebags.
DB1 was once given the key to city of Sheboygan. He then locked the city, and lost the key.
DB1 wears a fashionable raccoon coat, made by other raccoons.
DB1 is a buy-sexual.
.
I have to pay for it too; no shame there, brah.
DB1 knows that I’m posting my weekly haiku tomorrow as always, but here in this thread so as to leave the majesty of the goodbye Pump Page up as long as decorum requires, and that I shall pick the winners but simply post them in this thread. He also knows that Sydney Poitier was a Blind Man.
DB1 thought “finger-banging” was going around with your hand like a gun, going “pew-pew-pew” at people.
.
He was right.
Rumor has it that DB1 has an erection lasting more than four hours.
Rumor has it that Jesus’ cock was DB1 sized.
Rumor has it that DB1 discovered a 200 year old douche under city hall.
DB1 drives a ’39 Ford Shaft upholstered in titties.
DB1 built it on the bevel, because of animal magnetism. His mother is a fish. As he lays dying.
.
Faulkners.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “The Humper Games”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Fat and Furriest 6”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Thor – The Dork Whirled”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “The Great Shatsby”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Cloudy With A Chance of Big Balls”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Lee Daniel’s The Butthole”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Pacific Rim-Job”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “A Limp Puss Has Fallen”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “White House Dong”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “A Good Day To Get Hard”
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “The Secret Life of Walter’s Titty”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “12 Years a Sex Slave”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “The Chronicles of Red-Dick”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Walking With Dyin’ Ol’ Whores”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “R.I.D.P.”
.
.
.
think about it….
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Dallas Boner’s Club”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “RoboCockk”.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “I, Frank and Cockk”.
.
.
.
.
alright I’m running out of ideas…
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Lick-It Ralph”
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Wrath of the Tight-Ones”
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Abraham Lincoln – Vampire Humper”.
DB1 resurrected a pair of denim shorts that died in the 80’s.
DB1 is still talking about Rush.
DB1 invented the phrase “Baloney Tits.”
DB1 can wear culottes and still look manly.
When DB1 climaxes other people scream.
DB1 wrote an adaptation for a musical comedy version of “Silence of the Lambs,” for the Broadway stage.
Soylent Green is DB1.
DB1 watches soap operas on Univision for their story lines.
DB1 had a cameo in the porn parody “Driving Miss Daisy”.
How’s that wake DW?
I signed a confidentiality agreement upon arrival at the wake….
DB1’s mother hung him on a hook once. Once.
DB1 came, DB1 saw, DB1 KICKED HIS ASS!!
“You do drugs, DB1?”
“Everyday, sir.”
“Good , good. So what’s the problem?”
DB1 took the red pill. He often wonders why he didn’t take the blue pill.
Neidermeyer wants to know if that’s a pledge pin on DB1’s uniform.
DB1 wants to know if we mind if he dances with our dates.
Ever dance with DB1 in the pale moonlight?
DB1 wants to see Paul Allen’s card.
DB1 helped to start Biloxi’s only punk band.
Fuck Fish Slap:
DB1 is going to play Batman in the sequel to Man of Steel.
DB1 is now performing with a traveling minstrel show where he rides a greenbroke wildebeest while juggling a dozen dead spider monkeys….
.
.
.
naked
DB1 bathes in a tub filled with extra virgin olive oil with barely legal extra virgins.
DB1 spent his first year in a marsupials pouch while he grew his 10 penis fingers.
DB1 can suck a golf ball through a fiber optic line.
DB1 finger banged little Jew chicks with his thumb-like groinal appendage.
DB1 never had to see his 1st cousin and former lover get buried. Four foot frost is s bitch, Son.
DB1 rolls joints of Spanish Moss in discarded window shades.
DB Penishands had more fun in his youth than he lets on.
DB1 sips moonshine from a lumberjack boot.
DB1 doesn’t have the heart to shut us down, or, his penis fingers have become psoriatic from all the typing and shit.
DB1 used to have one of them yellow large keyboard shit things on account of his penis literature.
DB1 spits out his green beans and swallows his chewing tobacco.
DB1 dots his “I’s” and crosses his street.
DB1 as a lad had the wide leg Bay City Rollers pants with tartan fleece liner and bonus “B” side.
DB1 has to act now, because we can’t do this all day.
DB1 once boxed Boxcar Willy.
DB1 made the chicken cross the road.
DB1 once wrapped Bert in Reynolds Wrap.
Then his mother made soup and rubbed a mustard poultice on his anal wart.
DB1 rued MacClannahan.
DB1 once dented the right front fender of Robert’s Red Ford.
DB1 once boxed Steamboat Willie.
DB1 took a dump in Sally’s Field.
After sucking Adrianne Barbeau’s tits, DB1 enjoyed Fellatio from Maude and Walter.
DB1 once hacked Gene Hackman’s computer………man.
DB1’s postal code is COOZE.
DB1 sculpted a full size statue of Charles Bronson with sourdough bread and cane poles.
DB1 leaked in Farrah’s faucet
.
Once
DB1’s Penis Hands are registered weapons in 46 states and the District of Columbia.
DB1’s Penis Hands are going to be added to Mount Rushmore.
DB1’s Penis Hands were the inspiration for Eddie Scissorhands.
DB1 is to HCWDB as Putin is to the Ukraine.
Now I want to see a Pussy Riot.
DB1 shutting down the site killed Jim Lange, the host of The Dating Game.
.
Speaking of The Dating Game, that reminds me of the story were I boffed this dame whilst in the make-up chair waiting for my spot on the panel. But I’m not tellin it.
“I finally get on the Internet, and this dick shuts down the site?!?”
– The Dali Lama, Himself
“I put my basically ended my life so I could expose the government’s secret spying programs and this dick shuts down the site because he can’t post a couple of pictures per week of chicks with big, fake Nortons?”
– Edward Snowden, Moscow
“I took time out from my busy schedule appearing in sub-standard comedy movies and getting high to come to Washington to testify about Alzheimer’s disease, and this dick shuts down the site because HE’S too busy?”
– Seth Rogan, not Joe Rogan the embarrassing guy from Fear Factor that now does UFC fights, and shit.
DB1 knows who really killed JFK.
DB1 was the stay puff man in Ghostbusters.
–
–
wait, what, too soon…
DB1 showed Hefner a thing or two about how to run a internet website.
Boss, you have to find someone to take the helm…
The Rev is right, it must go on. The world’s collective GDP has gone down, and the Dow Jones has lost momentum since you pulled the pin.
Maybe DarkSock can take the reins, or even Jacques (!)
DB1 gave a shrill whistle and at the signal both he and Mario Van Peebles leapt forward. DB1 got a leglock around the thing’s head and pulled it to the ground while Mario Van Peebles fell upon the slime-covered legs and bent one over the other in a hold that could dislocate a grown man’s knee. The thing shouted so loudly it would have woken the neighborhood if sentient beings populated this corner of Andromeda.
.
DB1 squeezed the thing around the neck and whispered softly, “Shut thy mouth, you great fool, else I’ll smother ya.”
.
The thing shut up.
DB1 towered over her, his body hard and muscular. His wide shoulders tapered to narrow waist and hips… plenty of what the girls at the colony coyly referred to as stature. Dark, midnight hair curled behind his ears and brushed his collar; steely bristles shaded his mustache. He appeared to be 19 to 23 years old, but his eyes held an elder, wiser look, as though he’d proven his mettle with years of battling life at long odds. Those eyes flashed with lust like sparkling flint.
.
She neighed.
.
And that’s when the micturition began.
DB1 was at the 2008 Democratic convention as a quasi-celebrity delegate. The rhetoric getting stale like Oprah’s pet monkey Dr. Phil’s mongoloid son. The One takes the stage and speaks once more of Change. “You didn’t build that.” a rhetorical President yammers over and over like Rahm Emmanuel’s shit Golem at a paid speaking engagement. DB1 senses unease in the nation as a low booming voice hovers above him. “This is the day you become a man, Mr. Louis, if that is your real name.” He looks behind him to see a Spectre in the rear lights of the arena. She had a halo around her large masculine head with a glimmering blue aura.
.
“Just bend over and relax the baratone orders him assuringly. My name is Donna Brazile and this is my forked cock.”
This whole thing is like the end of the Carson Show. Johnny, not Daly. Surreal, it can’t be coming to an end, what are we gonna do now, but without Barbara Eden sucking my cock.
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Instead of Ed crying and trying to grope Bette Midler’s Ham Tits we have The Rev’s Mind Scramble, instead of Sinatra we have Crucial Head at the top of his form. By the way, if Sinatra and Bono could have a kid without being fucking gay or anything, it would be Crucial Head.
.
Perhaps, like George Constanza leaving the room on a high note, DB1 will go gently into that good night. Rather than raging against the dying of the light, DB1 will choose to change diapers and whatever, despite the fact his words HAD forked lightening. Or some shit.
.
Or DB1 may be following PT Barnum’s philosophy of, “Leave them wanting more,” which is what that cooze Joan Rivers would do whilst giving skull. She’d kind of put her finger up your ass and then stop with the skull just at that right time…talk about raging.
.
So anyways, DB1 will do what DB1 will do. And in turn we will do what we do.
.
“And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
DB1 learned the value of mock early on. Early being his early twenties.
DB1 has bioluminescent kidneys.
I like that the mere thought of me taking over the site is accompanied by a parenthesized exclamation point.
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Whew! Thank gOD for spell check.
You DO know what Friday Thoughts and Links would turn into, right?
Now that it’s officially Friday, here’s a little taste for y’all:
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I have a black friend by the name of Monica. I like her because it’s the only acceptable time I can say, “What’s up, Ma-nicca?”
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Pear
Pear
Pear
Pear
.
And fuck you all.
*clicks on link with hand over eyes*
Okay people. I’m sending you all back to 2005.
.
DarkSock will know how to edit and post to the 2005 timeline, which now begins on January 1st. Dates no longer matter. All posts will occur in this spell space-time continuum set up only for the most dedicated of ‘bag hunters.
.
Here is the direct link: http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/
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Proceed.
I like that it shows up at the bottom of the Archives
shit son. thanks for the entertainment all these years!
what the hell am i sposed to do while taking a shit now!?
Hell yeah.
.
Wait. What?
.
.
I’ma look at it tonight, then do a belated haiku and shit, because my fuccen laptop suddenly won’t cut and paste without a reboot, and i’m juggling 20 work emails and 3 Revit model revisions and drawings so I can’t fuccen reboot…..yeah, maybe tonight I’ll see what bubble DB1 has carved out…..
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maybe cobble together a Friday thoughts and pears…
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it’s gonna be just like when that kid buried his cat in the PET SEMETARY and it came back from the dead, but was never quiet…right…
.
.
.
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hell no Jacques I ain’t clickin’ them fuccen lynx. Son.
fuck me. I clicked them.
DB1 has gone total quantum on our collective asses. He’s both alive and dead. He IS a particle and a wave. We know his position but we don’t know his linear OR angular momentum. If he’s spin up, we gotta be spin down. He has achieved total enlightenment. He is the new DhaliBag.
DB1 can bend time with his penis.
DB1 provides his own cream for his tasty HOHOS.
DB1 puts the “scrote” in “Scrotinger’s Cat”.
Thank you, DB1, for the years and years of laughter and lust (bringing the whole Joe Jackson thing full circle) that you’ve provided us all these years. Your light is a beacon of hope in a dark world. I look forward to seeing what you do next.
I’m now not sure I wanna eat DB1’s tasty HoHos.
Goddammmnit….Jacques!!
DB1 finger banged Ass Pear la Plante
DB1’s picture is in every library in America. Or is that every post office.
Sons
A new post…in 2005…
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/01/bonus-haiku-round-smells-like-spleen-spirit/
B-B-B-But what about Plinky’s mom?
Go to the Archives on the column of links to the left, click on January 2005…the mock lingers.
DB1 invented dubstep when he popped the clutch on Hillary Clinton’s vibrator.
If Vera Farmiga was my mother we would live in The Masterbates Motel.
DB1 brought John Denver back to life as a meat head and forced him to star in gay porn movies.
http://tinyurl.com/6fddmzj
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot????
I finally emerge from a rye induced coma & HCwDB is closed?
….well Christ on a cracker (a DarkSock baptism?)
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.
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well sheeiittt, son, looks like I gotta drag ass to the likka stoh & grab another bottle of Bullit Rye to spill in honour of the Boss & this here site, y’all
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.
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& by spill I mean pour down my drunkin’ Irish troat
.
chillens
DB1 ate the barncles outta Plinky’s Mothers rectum
…& spit out 8.5 m missing bitcoins…& shit
.
.
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that’s all I got, Oscars
…truly, it’s been a slice…& by a slice I mean, more pleasurable than getting venerial warts
Thank you for the great content! Cheers.
Aw shucks Boss, I’m gettin’ all sensitive over here. It truly was amazing to be a part of the whole douche-mock tsunami. The recap of all the great years has left me nauseous and silly. The site was, and will always be absolutely genius. It’s been a real phenomenon. TUTS MY BARREH!
It was a great pleasure to have come across this site so many years ago (via Street Boners and TV Carnage, if I remember correctly). It was a daily source of hilarious entertainment and I am saddened, that it will not be continued in this form. Thanks and all the best to everyone who was a part of this.
So long and thanks for all the Fish (Slap)
Boss, it is somehow fitting that the day of your last post was the first day of a new job for me (which of course is for a company that blocks HCwDB). I am just seeing this now. Just know that we are here and ready to be activated in the service of the mock at a moment’s notice.
FD
Last one out remember to tuck a blanket around Dark Sock, and then turn the lights off.
Boss musta paid the ole electricity bill through the end of the month cuz this thing is still live and not taken over by spambots.
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Typing ‘bots’ made me think of boobs.
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Boobs are making me think of pear.
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Pear is making me type fuq.com…
No one knew where he came from, just that he drifted down across the Ecuadorian border sometime in late autumn to live among the wild alpaca herds in the foothills of the rugged Andean Mountains. The local ranchers would come into town with tales of a gaunt and pale stranger who spent his days observing the herds as they grazed on the meager tufts of grass which struggled to grow in the harsh, rocky soil. For hours at a time he’d be seen seated on a rocky outcrop, a yellow legal pad and the stub of a pencil balanced on his lap, taking notes and drawing crude, neo-abstract sketches depicting the sex habits and social behavior of the herd which soon accepted him as one of their own.
The villagers never knew his name, but referred to him simply as “DB Uno.”
DB1 pisses ice cream and shits puppies.
DB1 touch types 315 wpm
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…with his pubes.
Much thanks to DB1 for all his years of fighting the good fight against the evil of modern society. I found out about Arthur Kade through this website, and ended up running the LegoWig Blogspot for a short time, thereby fighting my own good fight.
All the best to you, Jay.
What a long, strange Douche it’s been…
Still checking to see if maybe DB1 has changed his mind…….
DB1 has already found Malaysian Air 370, but he doesn’t want to ruin the surprise. Too soon?
Much thanks to you DB1. My life goal was achieved when I was put on the holy Roll of Mock (in my fourth year). Alas, I should have taken that as an ill omen, but it has been good times…good times.
TODAY IS MARCH 10, 2014.
But…on January 3, 2005, THIS happened.
Don’t believe me? Check the 2005 archives. At least once or twice a week.
Sons.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/03/the-undersexed-world-of-jacques-doucheteau-episode-4-the-sleeping-sharts-of-miami/
TODAY IS MARCH 14TH, 2014.
.
But…On January 4th, 2005, THIS happened.
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Step into the Wayback Machine. There will be Pear. Oh Yes.
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For those of you too dense to click the fuccen link:
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/04/friday-thoughts-n-links/
Wow. It’s really over. Kind of. I suppose the mock will live on in the parallel universe. Just wanna say thanks for a unique experience. This is the only place I’ve been hated so much with such fervor. I learned so much here. I mean there were some serious PhD level discussions in here. (No sarcasm. No homo.) You guys were right. I was batshit crazy. After several months of intensive outpatient therapy I learned I was picking the wrong guys purposely because of my own fear of commitment. I’m still pretty bonkers, but you know what they say about crazy chicks…they get all over your nuts in the sack. Congrats to everyone who got married or engaged since I last checked in…if you snarky dicks can do it, there’s hope for me yet. Fuck Fishlap.
Namaste and shit,
Nance
you said nuts. then you said sack.
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heh heh huh huh heh heh heh
TODAY IS MARCH 16TH, 2014.
.
But…On January 4th, 2005, THIS happened. Son.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/05/john-cougar-and-melonbarf/?preview=true&preview_id=71365&preview_nonce=2e1cfca591
Did Nancy really just say “fuck Fishlap”?
Yeah, she did. And I’m sure she’s already sorry how that could be taken out of, or in, context…
As for her being batshit crazy – Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed! Giddyup!
TODAY IS MARCH 17TH, 2014.
.
But…On January 6th, 2005, THIS happened. Rodmans.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/06/march-madness-madness-with-d-wallnuts/
TODAY IS MARCH 18TH, 2014. AMERICA, USA.
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However…on January 7th, 2005….THIS happened. Son.
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/07/caption-this-photo-for-freedom/
TODAY IS MARCH 19TH, 2014.
.
But Noted Historians have recently uncovered this shameful incident dated January 7th, 2005.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/07/friday-haiku-early-edition/#respond
Like a zombie, cursed to walk the Earth as the undead, I wonder about not knowing what to do with myself each day, devoid of inspiration. My loving wife and daughters despair at their lost father; I go to work and actually do just that now…
What shall we do without HCWDB to start each new day? Come back, Bosssssss….!!
TODAY IS MARCH 21ST, 2014.
.
But in 2005 the abs were here. Son. Get thee thine hand lotion ready, and napkins as well. Son.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/08/friday-thoughts-and-links-son/
It was the best of times, it was a hot chick with a fukken d-bag.
Tarmal.
http://www.vice.com/read/this-american-bro-an-ethological-study
TODAY IS MARCH 23, 2014.
.
But in 2005 there was an incident regarding a Limerick Hoe-Down. It was known as The Limerick Hoe-Down.
.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/08/limerick-hoe-down-o-the-week/
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Son.
“But on that glorious day, he was the greatest douchebag anyone had ever seen.”
Goodbye and good night.
What’s sad is that the links don’t have the comments anymore. The comments for the “Bra!” posts were gut-busting. (“What’s next, Bra! does Tab?”)
Seriously losing my mind not having anything to mock, twitter ain’t cutting it lately!
Dammit Captain J.T. – Here’s your sign…HINT HINT
TODAY IS MARCH 26, 2014.
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But in 2005 somebody got roofied or something and then was mocked by random strangers.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/09/caption-this-6/
keep safe…thanks for all the douchecontemplation
TODAY IS MARCH 26, 2014.
But in January 9th 2005, the roofie, the roofie, the roofie was on fire and Civil Society let the M.F. burn. Son.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/09/in-a-continuing-series/#respond
TODAY IS MARCH 26, 2014.
But in January 11th 2005, there was Fraiku. Son. Go thee hence. Son. Click it. NO, seriously. Son.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/11/friday-haiku-349/
AND…in addition to the above proclamation, THIS also happened on January 11th, 2005. Thoughts n links n pear n abs n mons. Sons. Who loves ya, Baby.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/11/friday-thoughts-n-links-2/
Oops. Wrong site. Fuck you Nancy!
perhaps it’s time for a new blog, DSock?
“Wicked Clown Faced Men & the Horses they ‘Ride’.com
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….& Nancy, eat a jar of chimp dicks!
It is, of course, March 31st, 2014.
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BUT on January 12th 2005 this bout of public scolding for Carmen Elektra and Dennis Rodman happened:
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/category/haiku-4-u/
It’s taking me half an hour to scroll to the bottom each day Boss – what can you ’bout it…. ‘Sock…Rev?
@ Douchesdownunder – load, page, hit “End” button on keyboard, short scroll up…
Anonymous…
It’s a Mac… Command and end – thank you.
Now back to the MOCK!!
Boss, it’s a ghost town out here.
Last!!! Until the next post.
@Douchedownunder
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For fucks sakes man get over here and bookmark it. I’m stoned as fuck at work and even I can do that.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/
Sorry, Rev.
/2005 just doesn’t cut it without the Boss’s commentary.
All respect to ‘Sock and yourself.
First!
Today is April 4th, 2014.
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But I had these passing thoughts on January 13th, 2005.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/13/friday-thoughts-and-links-239/
Today is April 5th. I think. Bender last night. Son.
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But you can drive to Alabama and check out these sweet deals on pre-owned refurbished mobile homes circa January 14th, 2005. Or don’t.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/14/and-now-a-word-from-our-sponsor/
…I understand that avocado helps your living repair….livin on rye & guacamole now & gonna buy an orchard in santa babara!
liver…gdamed rye
Hey OK, I’ve decided to come back and — where’d everybody go?
Godspeed, DB1.
We went to 2005, D. Equis…go to the very top o’ this comment thread to post #1 by yours truly and click on the Time Machine Link…and then behold. Or, click on any of my above “Today is…” posts. Son.
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Dot Com Dot Net Dot Org Dot Gov Dot Biz Dot XXX.
Today is April 7th. But back on January 15th, 2005…I’m not sure what was going on. Click Here and See.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/15/whats-all-this-then-wednesday/
Today is April 11th, 2014. But back in January 16th 2005 I was somehow ranting about this week’s current crop of Douches In The News…and pear. LOTS of pear.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/16/friday-thoughts-and-links-blinded-by-the-lies-gelled-up-like-a-douche-and-now-hes-humpin-on-my-wife-edition/
January 17th…not sure what to say…
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/17/your-weekend-movies-numa-numa-nuts/
DB1 can refrigerate newts to death just by thinking about Olivia Newton John.
Speaking of “Newt” – this fucked with me a little bit.
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http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dmufIbncJSY/UeWCPSx7ugI/AAAAAAAAePg/sONT-bQ-f3I/s1600/Carrie-Henn.jpg
For those of you too timid to travel back in time, here’s what you missed last ni…err…I mean, 9 years ago:
5:36 pm
April, 11
The Reverend Chad Kroeger said…
Rob Ford wrote a treatise once:
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The true HISTORY OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM You were being lied to. WHO CRASHED THE ROSWELL SHIP and HOW HE DID IT – It’s very simple: The solar system was heaven, inhabited by angels prior to man. It’s in Psalms 89 10 “thou has shattered RAHAB into pieces, you scattered the sea of the great dragon.” Yahua scattered Lucifers angelic sea into outer space, all aliens are terrestrial, non heavenly celestial angels. Rahab and the angelic solar system was mentioned many times in the bible to say nothing of the 365 books Enoch wrote in his lifetime.
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UFO’s – They began to appear around the same time nuclear bombs were being tested. 334 nuclear warheads were “tested” earthwide – that was not actually nuclear bomb research. Those were portals being opened up to obtain demonic “power,” mostly “alien” technology by human governments. Stars into another dimension were observed by thee United States in the mushroom cloud of their first nuclear explosion.
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How a bomb opens a portal – It’s very simple first of all there are celestial angels, and terrestrial angels. All aliens are terrestrial angels and co. and they are attracted to outer space (outer space is the biblical “bottomless pit” mentioned in Revelations where Lucifer is bound and trapped) and underground bases because LIFE energy burns them, and so the more evil these aliens are, the deeper underground near the lava they live, sometimes docking their ships in the lava in the 4th dimension.
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[FACT: The solar system was heaven once – angels lived on our planets prior to man. Lucifer then rose to power on a planet called RAHAB and invented MONEY and POLITICS on that planet. Psalms 89 10 explains how “Planet X” got cast out “Thou has broken Rahab in pieces – you scattered the sea of the great dragon” (The sea were angelic peoples who were scattered into the abyss of space, constelations such as Orion are fake – they are angelic planet sized starships not stars)
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This is why humans who enter those underground bases don’t have videos showing thee extent of them – humans entering those bases become food for thee aliens. “on your belly/APPETITE you will go, on dust/HUMANS you WILL EAT said the creator to a Draconian named Lucifer in Genesis. When humans feel creeped out in entering deep underground caverns it is for good reason that is the Lords quiet voice speaking to them NO TRESPASSING.
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When an atom bomb goes off, the bomb itself does not open a portal, rather demons and such with advanced technology find they can suddenly employ their portal science and enter through to our humans 3rd dimension.
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Basically, terrestrial angels employ technology to be able to survive. They exist in a harsh fourth dimension vs celestial angels still in heavens 5th dimension – in fact, they are physically burned by the positive fifth dimension love and light and life energy in plants and animals which repels their morphed bodies. The fourth dimension is NEGATIVE and terrestrial fallen angels are attracted to fire therefore because fire is the quickest way to kill all life and therefore essentially generates NEGATIVE energy because fire sends the breath of life back to the creator.
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Explains why most undergound bases are far out into the deserts which are devoid of life. Tesla, a physicist, had isolated this specific peculiar energy and Wilhelm Reich built on his work and called it ORGONE – He shared his findings with Enstein who turned a cold shoulder to thee orgone. (some persons on thee earth are Lucifers, and they are demons, or reptilians placed in human bodies.) Actually, Wilhelm at first manufactured NEGATIVE orgone on accident. It attracted lights in the sky. One day, he trained his binoculars on them and was shocked to see windows.
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Al Gore in fact invented time, space, the interwhebs, and ROSWELL while teaching abortion courses at Ole Miss.
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The following article includes information on the planets and solar system where all aliens originated including where they are going: Fallen angels were once beautiful but MORPHED and became what they are through the power of precious stones especially quartz, of which Earth is comprised primarily of quartz. Earth has a consciousness, and rebels if evil beings are upon it. (see “armagedon”) Quartz in the soil is under pressure, when squeezed it emits an eternal energy that works into all other dimensions.
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Like a tranny meth dealer, I smoke ketamine with my cock and blow Heroine out my ears. I’m a mean fucker I’kk rip his fucking head off.
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MORE ON PORTALS, OTHER DIMENSIONS AND ALIEN TECHNOLOGY: CRYSTAL SKULLS forever EXPLAINED:
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“I am Yauhua – and their is no one else.” Obviously from the creators perspective you are left with no more questions. For those of you who feel the crystal skulls were a human accomplishment – you yourself were born into an angelic medium. Take a closer look at even the simplest of items you have laid out onto your computer desk – I challenge even a team of the wisest of you – if given a hundred years in a native north america, gathering raw materials, to build me a simple pencil with its exquisite lead symmetry, inserted perfectly into the wood, the shiny yellow paint that does not rub off onto your hand, thee aluminum tip, the perfect lettering…. ok now build me the machine that puts out 500 pencils in an hour. Even the T shirt your wearing, the threads are perfection. No, you could not build me a pencil, you wouldn’t know where to start to say nothing of the quartz technology housed inside your computer motherboard. Angelic technology cannot be backwards engineered. At all. Not by humans. the bible likens it to mixing clay with steel shards – impossible. Stop focusing on UFO’s it’s a distraction. Thee aliens and their technology is HERE.
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(Draconian can shape shift into a pencil if they want, the humans body is the most efficient means of locomotion in out atmosphere. Can you guess where they hide?)
Thee angels, fallen angels were cast to earth in the year 1914 during world war one. The creator began ruling secretly in that year as Daniel prophecied, that a tree stump banded in copper would sprout after 2,520 years, counting from 607 BCE.
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Hillary Clinton is the Devil.
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These angels know their time is short, because the Bible says soon “thee end will come” and planet Rahab, the planet Lucifer rose to power on, will return to shift thee earths poles in what the Bible calls armagedon which will be a war fought by the creator to remove wickedness from off thee earth. At that time the fallen angels will be jailed in the abyss, likely they will return back to the caverns of Rahabs abyss. Therefore, yes, you live in an angelic medium, and not everyone is human, and yes those crystal skulls are every bit the sorcery you think they are and no they are not made by humans hands.
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The creators motherboard: QUARTZ. It was Fallen angels learned about how to use quartz from watching the creator, not humans, and by the way computers are their fabrications not ours and so the motherboard to your computer is of course quartz.
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PLANETS; Thee earth is constucted primarily of quartz. The network in a quartz crystal consists of silicon/oxygen atoms. More than seventy elements occur naturally in the Earth’s crust, or lithosphere. However, the 8 most abundant elements account for more than 98 percent of the crust by weight. The most common of these are oxygen/silicon. Together, they make up nearly 3/4 of the lithosphere by weight. Dirt in your backyard consists primarily of sand. QUARTZ,, persistent crystal remnants of ancient dissolved stones. Heaven? …primarily quartz also.
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Your computer has a consciousness it both speaks and listens. When squeezed, quartz becomes an eternal battery of sorts. It also develops a frequency which can be set – positive or negative. Thee ark of the covenant contained precious stones of various kinds too, and natural, non magnetic metals. In the natural world, the quartz in the soil (of inhabitable planets) is under pressure, and surrounded by largely by non ferrous metals such as aluminum.
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This basic recipe can be duplicated to magnify this power of Yahua to bless and protect your area and to repel evil and evil beings together with their mind control technology, even cleans chemtrails. Revelations prophecied this weapon would complete its conquest in our day as a white rider on a horse with a bow and no arrows. As for the crystal skulls, they are an angelic fabrication – There are celestial angels, and terrestrial angels. Celestial angels are still in heaven, they are in the 5th dimension.
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Beware fat men bearing gifts of cunt.
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The creator is an actual person with a an actual name, with a definite body in a definite space in time at a place you can literally point to in the sky and “there is no one else.”) (His throne is in the sun.) The skulls were made by terrestrial angels and they are used to open portals.
With these portals you can step into a door to enter another area in space, such as traveling to Mars from Earth.
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Psalms 89 10 “thou has shattered Rahab in pieces, you scattered the sea of the great dragon.” The solar system was heaven at one time. Angels lived on Earth, Moon, Mars, Venus, and planet RAHAB and its many moons. Our iron/nickel asteroid belt offer proof Rahab was shattered here when Lucifer rose to power on it to invent MONEY, and POLITICS = creation ruling creation vs creator rule. Iron/nickel only exists into the core of a planet. Another planet was obliterated all together at that time. There is an empty spot just before Jupiter, that is where thee asteroids are, and where the planet was the Yahua destroyed. The solar system was laid to waist, and Earth had to be re created in Genesis. Actually re plenished. Nibiru, (Rahab) began spinning opposite in our solar system and thee angels on it were suddenly cast from the 5th dimension into the harsh evil 4th, their bodies morphed into Draconian. Where are we going with this? We can surmize a planets spin can dictate its dimension, even if it is evil or blessed such that we can learn to harness orgone with a POSITIVE SPIN on it. Thee energy of quartz works into all other dimensions and can manipulate them. When Rahab was cast out Lucifers solar system was destroyed. There were angels trapped in caverns on Rahab when the creator cast it out in such a way as its frequency began to generate another dimension vs the beneficial 5th dimension where good angels live. This quartz energy, which can generally be positve or negative, became NEGATIVE. Humans, plants and animals exposed to such negative energy will get sick and miserable and die, a scientist named Wilhelm Reich discoverd the very sky will even turn a dull ugly purple caste with negative orgone. In contrast positive quartz energy is like the breath of Yah, the life force. Planet earth you can say is His motherboard.
When Rahab spun backwards, its energy generated 4th dimension and thee immortal angels in it morphed – they became ugly, they became monsters – Draconians. And they eat humans. The creator told Lucifer in Genesis “on your belly/APPETITES you will go, on dust/HUMANS you WILL EAT. Also they HATE human life energy so they live deep underground near fire (lava) because fire kills all life, and life has the creators life force energy which they cannot tolerate. They torment and eat humans. Yehushua came down on this earth to reveal to humans that that is what this planet is about – it’s like the closer you get to the light, the more you get burned! Draconian are backwards…. Even perfect people are accused by the liar. The Dracs run all our governments. Getting back to orgone,,,
In the 40′s, Wilhelm Reich discovered an energy studied by Nicola Tesla called ORGONE. He was out testing his orgone device in the desert near Roswell one day to bless thee area with rain, since thee area had been cursed with a severe drought for years. Well thee orgone brought rain allright, but it also was the cause of the first UFO crash in recorded history – Wilhelm was jailed, his papers confiscated, and he died mysteriously in jail of a heart attack.
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If a Ford shits in a bucket, can anybody hear.
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Zoom forward to today, the crystal skulls were recently brought to Los Angeles in an attempt to open a portal to allow aliens (all aliens are terrestrial, fallen angels.) to enter earth. Well there is an elite angelic faction of warriors who have built on what Wilhelm taught us who specialize in crushing these evil energies and burning these wicked beings and crashing their ships using quartz stones set up to generate a POSITIVE frequency that blesses humans and burns fallen angels. The result was those crystal skulls fizzled like a wet newspaper couple years ago. The fallen angels cannot stop the power of the Most High.
This small faction of warriors need your help – make orgone to protect YOUR area today.
All those meteors you hear about lately are the result of orgone crashing angelic ships. Those ships have a fail safe relegates them back into the 4th dimension before they crash on to thee earth. Do not research orgone on thee internet. It is sabotaged used only thee orgoneblasters recipe as specified by Yehushua for generating positive energy.
The crystal skulls are an amazing piece of angelic technology that should strengthen your faith in the fact their really is a living god – “and there is no one else.”
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Naturopaths have tighter bungholes.
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“People wonder what is the purpose of life – Humans were placed into a medium surrounded by 2 basic (perfect) things – plants and animals. When you learn something about a plant that knowledge aquired is eternal. In contrast Lucifer can never quite get the picture right. With greed comes imperfection: endlessly, perpetually evolving. In contrast animals reflect the many face of the creator – it’s about relationship. That is why we are here & humans can never learn everything about the Most High. Permanent knowledge is by far the wisest investment – Reality is thee only way. Sink or swim. Not to mention in struggling to find your way to the top you eventually run out of breath.”
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I forgot what I was talking about.
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Last one out feed the green monkey hole.
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The Lord is no longer suffering fools. That earthquake on thee island of Japan was His.
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That survelance station in the east visible now (only currently) will be moving around in the sky from time to time, this is to accustom humans to thee alien presence.
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Obama’s pet baboon, Rahm Emmanuel makes shit goloms sick.
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Dimension and portal manipulation are for angels who fly not for humans. (presently – Adam and Eve could fly) We would not know they exist were it not for thee angels illegally here among us. It is not our job nor that of even the fallen angels to understand or to define the Most High or His universe.
The Bible tells us the creators place is higher then the heavens. In other words, while He will on occasion reveal Himself in the sun, the highest ranking angels are limited to that, the highest of dimensions in order to see Him.
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Trannies in the sky with MDMA.
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That is how thee orgone is effecting the bodies and the wings of the fallen angels. Its energy works into all other dimensions and there is no angel in heaven and certainly no human on earth now who ever saw it coming – up to and even including the creators son Yehushua.
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Can somebody pass the crack, Mon.? Mons?
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Stooooned. Bikini Atolls
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…If you shove your head up your ass like it’s a blackhole & disappear, do you come out the other end in a different dimension in the closet of poo?
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…discuss
@ Creature:
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IT MUST EAT GRAIN
It must also cobble together a Friday Thoughts & Links whilst on vacay in Sacramento. Or not. Bear with me, Pooty People.
Go Thee Here for Jan. 18th 2005’s thoughts and links and pear. Son.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/18/friday-thoughts-links/
…string theory, heh heh
Say it ain’t so, Jay.
On January 19th something happened that you may want to “look up”…
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/19/upskirt-manifesto/
Also on January 19th 2005 more gyroscopic installation shenanigans occurred:
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2005/01/19/caption-this-wednesday/
On January 20th 2005 there was a disturbance in the Force so Friday Thoughts and Links was a couple days late that week:
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/20/monday-belated-friday-thoughts-and-links/
Also here’s the space/time wormhole you can take to get back to January 2005 in general:
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/
On January 21st, 2005…I’m really not sure what happened…you tell me.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/please-explain-this-spectacle/
On January 22st, 2005 this small fluff o’ Haiku was set adrift into the maelstrom o’ the InterWebs. Son. Check it out and add yourn.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/friday-haiku-189/
Also on January 22nd there were thoughts, links and PEAR and other assorted sundries….
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/friday-thoughts-n-links-n-underboob-n-such/
Good News…Boss has figured out how to get rid of the simple math question, opening up the site to visitors from Canada, and we’ve worked out the bugs so DarkSockk can resume The Lord’s Work.
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Stay tuned.
bloody hell…well I guess Dr. Who is as good an admin alias for me as any…
On January 22nd, 2005 this happened. Son.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/bunny-luv-and-fluffturd-are-pleased-to-announce-that-this-douche-star-is-fully-armed-and-operational/
Oh yes Magnum there shalt be Haiku.
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And yes Et Tu your new avatar is sillier than a strap on dangling a-drip outa Donk’s tar hole. But hopefully my care instructions (i.e. lazily googled forum advice) will bring back your olde avatar, which I assumed was Manowar’s Joey DeMaio.
But for now my sobriety rests somewhere between RevChad’s and Rob Ford’s.
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Canadians.
In 2005 D Wallnuts shared because he cared:
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/dispatches-from-the-world-of-d-wallnuts-joe-ds-schvantz/
On January 25th 2005 this got posted:
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/natasha-and-viktor-are-disappointed/
On January 27th 2005 there was much pear. And rejoicing.
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http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/blog/2005/01/friday-thoughts-and-links-96/
This stroll down hotchickswithdouchebags memory lane was beautiful…*sniff*
(copying here to be thorough, though perhaps it might get read in the newest post I can find.)
Hi Baghunters,
I pinged DB1 a short while back after I came here & saw the February 24th post.
And since it was just Thanksgiving, I was reminded again of things to be thankful-for.
So I just wanted to echo my thoughts to him out here also.
Thanks to all the great commenters so very much for all the impossible laughs and wildly weirdly inventive jokes (& honestly-shocking thought-pictures they stirred) over the years.
What a lucky thing to have around, even if for just awhile.
Funniest place & funniest people ever on the internet.
Cracked’s articles & The Superficial’s commenters never even stood a chance against the likes of DB1, Crucial, Flyteeth, Sock, Douchal, Wheezer, Scrotato, Pfah, or even Von Baggenstein; -and many many more I’ll remember exactly 30 minutes after writing this.
I wish DB1 & everyone nothing but greater and greater success in all their future efforts.
Thanks again very much. In Samurai-Scrote We Trust.
Warmest Regards,
-Wonky
Somewhere, John Largeman is fuccen FishSlap right in the fuccen tarmal.