Ask DB1
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Friday, June 15, 2012
Ask DB1: Adrien Brody's Herpsterism
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I bid you a good afternoon, DB1.
Interesting theory of how every herpster is a variation of Jason Schwartzmann. I think you can add another actor, and unsurprisingly, co-star of Jason Schwartzmann, to that list.
Please find attached a pic of Adrien Brody looking like every single Silverlake hipsterbag I’ve ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes on. Hot chick isn’t all that hot I realize, but I think the powerful douche aura surrounding Mr. Brody in this photo makes up for it.
Yours always in mock,
Douche Springsteen
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Brody is autobag. The statute of limitations for Rockstar Leniency given his Academy Award in Polanski’s “The Pianist” has expired. “Predators” negates all thespian leniency.
Herpster.
Thursday, May 3, 2012Ask DB1: Autos that are Autobag?
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DB1,
I think we can agree that certain after-market automotive accessories may be douchebag signifiers. But are there car models that, straight off the lot, signify that a douchebag is likely to be behind the wheel?
When I was younger, young men we’d call “greasers” often drove Camaros or ‘Vettes. They are now the parents of today’s Guidos.
Was their choice of automobile a pre-signifier of douchebag offspring? Are there car models of today that signify Grieco Virus status?
Yours yet again in continued opposition to the ‘taint,
Dan
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White BMW 535.
Autodouche.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012Ask DB1: Coachella
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DB1 –
Two weekends ago I was visiting L.A. and we took a side trip to Palm Springs. Unfortunately, it was also the first weekend of the Coachella festival.
Needless to say, any mention of Palm Springs led to the inescapable question, “Are you going to Coachella?” with the requisite valley-girl head-cock, a la the RCA Dog.
It quickly became a running joke in our group, and we created the character “Coachella Bitch” who drove too fast (“because I’m sooooo late for Coachella”), was blonde (“the desert sun at Coachella bleached my hair”) was very concerned about staying hydrated (“Do they sell bottled water at Coachella?”) and couldn’t believe anyone who was within 1,000 miles wasn’t attending (“You mean, you’re NOT going to Coachella?”).
After speaking to people who actually attended, it didn’t sound like a good time, mixing the worst aspects of camping with the best aspects of TSA security checks. And Tupac.
My questions:
1) Is attendance Coachella auto-douche?
2) To what evil uses will the Tupac “hologram” eventually be put? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
I remain,
Douche Wayne (not at Coachella)
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Coachella = Autodouche. Any narcissistic exercise in which saying you went is more important than the music you’re going to see is spectacle over authenticity, the heart of douche culture. When the preening D-List celebs start going, you have the assing on the puke.
Autodouche. So let it be written. So let it be done.
Give Lucas a few years, and Hologram Tupac will be the new Emperor.
Remember kids: Lucas neck. Make sure you eat enough iodine.
Friday, April 20, 2012Ask DB1: Realtorbags
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DB1,
So the other evening whilst I was harmlessly robot dancing to myself in the shower it occurred to me are there careers that are douchey or more appropriately careers that are douche signifiers?
I mean we all have to make a living right?
But it occurred to me douches seem to gravitate to certain careers. Usually ones associated with quick easy money, vanity and a veneer of psuedo-celebrity attached to it or something. Jobs where they can believe they are a master of the universe when really they’re just a peon to a much bigger fish (DJing, Club promoting, personal training and to a degree finance).
So I remembered that most people I’ve encountered working in real estate or have ever had to deal with in real estate were arrogant douchebags with an over developed sense of self-worth and importance. They usually drove the gaudiest model of luxury or sports car they could find with some kind of stupid slogan spelled out on thier vanity license plates and wore the tackiest, flashy clothes they could find.
Here’s a real estate scammer bag that appeared on A and E’s “Flip this House” turning the art of real estate scamming and cheaply fixing up crappy houses to unload to willing suckers into a reality show.
For some of his greatest hits google Armando Montelongo.
Regards,
Capt. James T. Douche
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This brings up an important addendum to the Rockstar Leniency Rule. No exemption for reality TV show hosts.
None.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012Ask DB1: Condoms and Scrotums
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Hey DB1,
I have a dilemma… I am in a new relationship with a great woman who also hates douchebags. So, being the responsible man that I am, I went to my local drug store to pick up some protection for our intimate times.
When I was shopping, I came across this. Apparently ONE Condoms have made a line of condoms called Tantric, modeled after popular tribal tattoo designs.
Is there such thing as a douchey condom? If there is, I think this may be it. Would I be a douche for buying this product?
All the best,
Musicfanatic
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Douchey condoms are plentiful, and can be identified through three central characteristics:
1. The promise of “enhanced” anything (pleasure, size, stamina, etc.). Condoms are for one thing, and one thing only — preventing the XX and the XY from commingling long enough to drain your bank account for the next 25 years while complaining that you’re an emotionally dysfunctional failure.
2. Idiotic naming that refers to anyone from Greek, Roman, Norse, or Native American mythology, with the exceptions of Trojans and Ramses for longevity in service of babylessness.
3. Any scented or colored anything.
All those that fall into these categories are Condombags. The rest are excused.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012Ask DB1: Sports Competition and Doucheyness
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Hey db1,
I come asking your view on a matter.
As you can see from the utterly retarded Under Armor shirt I’ve attached (fuccin’ Stackhouse, man), it seems the sporting world is starting to get pretty douchey with with the idea of being competitive. So much so that it’s no longer enough to say stupid shit like “Check out my swagger,” it must now be printed on a t-shirt.
Perhaps so people can hate the wearer before they even speak.
I once emailed asking if saying “hater” was autodouche.
I ask the same of this situation: does this type of apparel inspire the same Ed Hardy-esque foaming-at-the-mouth?
Are even real athletes exempt?
Cheers,
Douche of Arabia
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Performative Leniency Rule absolutely does not cover the ‘bag shirtwear. “Get Some” shirts, or any other sort of idiotic pumped-up slogan, is autobag.
So let it be written.
So let it be done.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012Ask DB1: Doctor Strange
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Hey DB1,
So, is Doctor Strange a douche? I mean, he’s got the popped collar, the Agamotto bling, and the silly hand gestures. On the other hand, he’s rockin’ the ‘stache, he’s got a hot foreign gilfriend, and he routinely saves the sentient beings of our dimension from being hollowed out and used as condoms by Shuma-Gorath. So there’s that, right? What say you, oh Poo-bah of Poo-spotting?
Mock on,
JIM
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Nottadouche. Supervillain Leniency Rule.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012Ask DB1: Pre-Grieco Viral Infectors?
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DB1,
We say that douchebags are infected with the “Grieco Virus”. Since science has shown that the AIDS virus in fact existed long before it was identified and named, is it possible that there are unrecognized precursors to the Grieco Virus?
Who if anyone pre-dates Richard Grieco as proto-douchebag?
Can a “First Douchebag” be, at least in theory, identified, just as the first AIDS victim was found to be that male steward from the 70s?
Yours as always in endless opposition to the ‘taint,
– Dan
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Excellent question Dan, and yes, there are many pre-modern viral progenitors to the Grieco Virus, although none so fully cohesive as the Grieco Itself.
One example would be Schneider the pedophile janitor from ABC’s long-running sit-nanity, One Day At a Time. Protobaggery at its worst.
Friday, February 3, 2012Ask DB1: A 'Bag Alone?
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DB1,
What is a Douchebag without a Hott? I don’t mean a group of ‘Bags about to descend on Hotts, as we see so often. I mean a full-on douchebag all by his lonesome.
What is he?
Or perhaps the question is, a douchebag all alone is like ________________.
Yours in continued opposition to the ‘taint,
Dan
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A douchebag alone is still a douchebag. But without hot chick to create societal distress and the need for grievance in the form of the collective mock, they are simply a clown, nothing more.
It is the ‘bags who ruin pear pics, like Marty Waldouche (pictured here), that deserve our scorn. For on the bumpy road of life, they ruin the view. Like styrofoam in a nature preserve.
Thursday, February 2, 2012Ask DB1: The Flat-Brimmed Cap
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Dear DB1,
Whither the flat-brimmed cap?
What fashion most foul foisted it upon an unsuspecting public?
Methinks it now equals auto-douche, although, over the years, me have thunk many things, including:
1) Tiffani Amber-Thiessen was a highly under-appreciated actress
2) The Hawley-Smoot Act of 1933 was good policy; and
3) Jerry Lewis was a comic genius.
A few words from the oracle would be appreciated about this plague.
Douche-hunting-ly yours,
Choad the Douche Sprocket
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I would comment at length on the choadfesterment of the flat brimmed cap, but TAT cures lupus.
