HCwDB of the Month
-
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
HCwDB of the Month: The Garglebag and Nadia
Our last and final entrant in the 2011 campaign for HCwDB is… The Garglebag and Nadia.
With a two-pic run of douchebaggery, including Garglebag and Nadia Smell Like Rhesus Ass, this was a barely winning coupling, just out-siliconing Frego the Herplicker and Irene the Tongue. The voters speak:
DoucheyWallnuts: The Garglebag and Nadia FTW. Garglebag has combined douchey-ness and pussy-ness to a new height and therefore must be a winner (loser). Nadia is ying to Gargle’s yang.
tall guy: Garglebag & Nadia for they alone both capture and renew the zeal of all those other anonymous but essential understudies whose duty it is to pose, gesture and generally drink from the cup of life, which is, of course, red.
SonnyChibaChoad: The Garglebag and Nadia FTW..the combo of tropical chest scribbles (flaming flower aromas??) and hideous bolt-ons from the Plasti-Clinic of Novosibirsk on Nadia combine for the strongest quadratidouchadoxical equation this month…
Mr. Scrotato Head: Garglebag and Nadia because nipple as tattoo’d flower center needs to be uprooted with a pickaxe and Nadia’s female groin shave reveal is 2011’s Birth of Venus. At the very least its one sweet glitter spurting clam shell.
Magnum Douche P.I: Gotta go with the Garglebag and Nadia. He just appears to put so much effort into being a douche. Nadia’s bikini bottom could double as a band-aid. And for that I give thanks and a vote.
Capt. James T. Douche: Garglebag and Nadia when looking at them its pretty much knee jerk reflex to almost anyone viewing to say “why is she with him?” Plus a tat that has the nipple incorporated into it = major autodouche. His skin should be removed, carefully preserved and taxidermied and used as a tapestry at the local #1 Chinese buffet. She gets major Bleeth points just for being around this ink stain.
Troy Tempest: I’m going with Nadia and Garglebag, because they are both prime examples as to why the human race deserves extinction.
The Dude: Her smile says “don’t feel guilty that your attraction to me and my balloons violates your well-considered standards of hottness.”
Her groin area says “come right in!”
Hurl Scheibe: I’m going for Garglebag and Nadie. Epic Female GSR is always vote worthy.
Female GSR does seem to trump all. But Frego and Irene were just one tongue lick behind:
Charles Douchewin: To be sure, all candidates are worthy, but one of these things is not like the others. The others are just standing side by side in typical, relatively harmless, picture pose. But with Frego and Irene, not even the purple glow softens the visceral blow from this image.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: I know it was you, Frego. You broke my heart. You broke my heart! Frego, you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a brother, you’re not a friend. I don’t want to know you or what you do. I don’t want to see you at the hotels, I don’t want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won’t be there. You understand?
Douche Springsteen: I cast my vote for Frego since he looks like a douchey Will Oldham (perhaps one of the least non-douchey recording artists I’ve ever had the pleasure of conversing with) and Irene the Tongue, with her eyes closed and tongue extended, appears ready to pleasure with the French arts.
Mmmm… French arts. Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda were third (but could’ve easily won), andBand Promoter Petey and Barely Legal Bonnie came in a solid fourth, as this was basically a toss-up month.
Dude McCrudeshoes: Herman is the first MacCocclov in 200 years who is legally able to go within 200 yards of a school, and therefore there were high hopes of an associates degree or at least some Las Vegas Community College t-shirts. But Herman has gone very far astray, and the MacCocclov Clan will have to wait another generation for redemption.
SomeGuy: To borrow a turn of phrase from Roseanne Barr, his head looks like her crotch turned upside down. And that prominently displayed left nipple is so…distracting, yet disturbing… And the Terminator shades make me sure that, clad in nothing more than said kilt, Herman spends hours doing his Ahnult impressions in front of the mirror, which probably impresses the hell out of Miranda.
Et Tu Douche?: I’m going with Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda FTW, cause it really is the second picture that puts him over the top and by over the top I mean he’s an ass-clown.
Medusa Oblongata: Band promoter Petey. When I look at the picture, I catch a whiff of that water they use to boil hot dogs in. I believe the Bruce Springsteen tattoo on his arm there agrees with me. And I would Bonnie her Brigadoons all day.
Ferris: I bet Petey calls people “G money” a lot and I f#cking hate that. Petey and Bonnie ftw.
skrag2112: Frego and Irene. Just because shes licking him. He must taste like the underside of a sofa cushion in a frathouse.
DarkSock: Frego The Herplicker needs his dick slow-twisted off by a curious baboon plied with Ambien and ether, and then made to watch time-lapse footage of fire ants consuming his anguished spiraled junk on an endless repeat loop. Then someone needs to shoot his eye out, kid. Irene needs her tongue scraped clean with my yogurt-loaded ham squeegee.
Well said all in our last voting of 2011 before the big one gets here. And by big one, I mean epic colonic gas from an In-n-Out double double. Lets lets Nostradouchus take us home:
Garglebag FTW because he wears his shades on the side of neck like a retard.
I’m surprised more haven’t noticed the sideways neck glasses. Total douche. And Nadia is hott, even as age creeps up like a stalking ferret. Chalk ’em for the Yearly. And your scruffy narrator gets Pops.
Monday, November 28, 2011HCwDB of the Month
Booya! Put down that turkey. Youse got work to do. It’s our last coupling selection process for the 2011 Douchie Awards (starting next week). Make it count.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda
Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda are everything that’s rotten at summer herpster BBQs throughout the Tri-State area.
And lets not forget Herman Herpster and Miranda Pic #2.
Together, they form dialectic of pigeon puddle piddle.
A yellow steaming mess of bird pee.
I have no idea what I’m saying.
Up next:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Frego The Herplicker and Irene the Tongue
Here’s a classic douchepose in mid-action.
A tasty drunk hottie marking her descent into stupidtattland.
With one lick.
One odious lick.
Society collapses under herpster stupid glasses and Euro-Nordic doucheface.
And the baby Jesus piddled on a picture of Tim Tebow.
And all was wrong in Manchester.
But enough to win the monthly? There’s a good chance.
Up next:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Garglebag and Nadia Ruminate on Heidegger
At some point, they’ll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe. And chat not about Heidegger, but wine.
A two pic series of wretchedness, let’s not forget Garglebag and Nadia #2.
Nadia’s gnaw cleavite is impressive, and the Garglebag is putrid.
Another Herpster in the Vegastronic milieu.
Another hottie body that has made a terrible life choice.
And possibly one of the worst tattoos in the history of creation.
Like really, really bad.
I just micturated on a rug.
And it really held the room together.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Band Promoter Petey and Barely Legal Bonnie
Mmmm… Barely Legal Bonnie has the Zoroastrian Back Arch of Coitus. And G-d saw it. And it was good.
Band Promoter Petey actually has the disposition of a normal dude, but with so many toxic douche signifiers, NO PASS.
He must be mocked. And mocked severely.
But is he douchey enough and is she hott enough to win the very last Monthly of 2011 and earn the last slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards?
That remains to be seen.
I actually went one too many weeks, so I’m leaving off The Entrepeneurbag and Nadijka because methinks she’ll merit consideration on her own at the 2011 Douchie Awards, and he’s just a puddy band promoter.
Which coupling deserves our last slot for the HCwDB of the Year, starting next week? Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Brett Ratner
For those who are fans of cinema, you probably haven’t heard of Brett Ratner.
Ratner directs blobby things of image and sound that I prefer to call “Poovies.” Semicoherent rabbles of mediocrity that glow with the shameful spectacle of money polished by rat turd.
This rank preening choad of Hollywood obsequiousness and spineless studio hackery was fired from directing the Oscars yesterday for proving his douchebag status by quoting Shakepespeare when he said “rehearsing is for fags.”
Lame fratboy machismo, even buried under a mountain of undeserved Hollywood cash, can’t diminsh the stench of Axe bodyspray and empty cans of Four Loko in the back of a limo covered with various sundry body fluids.
Here’s to you, Ratnerbag.
Now go screw up a remake of “80s Box Office Hit #43.”
And in honor of Family Circus creator Bil Keane having died today, here’s a rant I ranted from back in 2007 that I’m particularly proud of: Why Jeffy is ‘Bag. Back in the stone age when mocking douchebag culture was just something I did on my blog.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011HCwDB of the Month: The Herpster and Librarian Laura
In a tight oily grease-off with the classic crypto-gay ‘bag stench brought by the Lancelot Boyz in presence of Hott Vanessa , Herpsal innovation was just too much to overcome.
The voters speak:
Maxim Kovalenko: The Herpster. Because no picture in the history of this site demonstrates what to do, and what NOT to do. Besides, I just wanna take a sledgehammer to his little bowtie.
Ol’ Dirty Douchebag: The Herpster because “Junk Formalwear” needed to be invented.
FlipFriddle: The Herpster FTW (or our eyes and good taste FTL (for the loss)). A Douche that creates his own sub-genre is Hall of Scrote bound. Off you go!
Vin Douchal: Librarian Glasses Laura woo girl is hott. Bleethy bangalicious lickety hipgrind squirt Labradoodle Coppertone scented slipperiness sexfun.
One for the Choad: Froholio deserves instant induction into the Hall of Scrote, but the combination of the Herpster and Librarian Laura has the best balance of hot chick and douchebag, even if Laura has spent the last three months practicing that pose in the mirror. Herpster for the win, and societal loss.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Now when ever we say “herpster” an immediate image will come to mind of this unholy fertilization between an egg that should have remained stuck in the menstrual blood of a $3 whore’s tampon and the cannon juice of Kim Jong-Il.
Mrs. Something: My vote goes to the Herpster because I want to do the exact opposite of fitting him with my flesh tuxedo. Which I guess would be NOT fitting him with my flesh tuxedo.
Condouchious: Don’t let the glasses fool you, Librarian Laura is neither librarian or nuclear scientist. But I’ll live with my delusions and enjoy her pose. Bonus hott: the tasty Dancer Marie.
tall guy: horrible as the recognition most surely was, I’ve just noticed The Herpster is wearing Speedos, which is, of course, so very, very wrong even without that stupid little bow tie and vest shite.
Wedgie: I have a thing for librarians, ever since as a young Wedgelet I met a pretty young thing at our local library whose image haunted me through puberty. In other words, last month.
Douche of Hazard: Herpster. She is kind of hot. He is wearing a tuxedo and carrying a gun. He is the James Bond of dueches.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: The Herpster because he makes me want to roll around violently with Rachael Ray in a family sized tub of penne with rose sauce and spank her with EVOO and Parmagianno-Reggiano while I ass feed her with Laura’s head.
CB Popped: FTW it has to be The Herpster for giving us the new sub species of Douche. That combined with Librarian gets my vote.
Douchese of Laval: the Chippendale wanna-be you can smell from here. With stupid tattoos he’s afraid to reveal to his boss at work and the delusion that he owns the place. Laura is prime hottness. Put them together and you have a monthly winner, folks!
Chris in ‘Baghdad: the Herpster, with his 1,000 yard PTSD stare, plus the gay little swimsuit…FTW!!!!
Doucheywallnuts: The Herpster and Laura’s glasses FTW (loss), for he packs the wallop and engenders the disgust of two prodigeous douches such as The Boyz in one tatted, head-tilted package.
Well parsed and mocked, Team, gold stars all around. Innovation in douchebaggery while ignoring taut hott butt rubb (THBR) is definitely award worthy. But PTA Mom Vanessa and the classic mockery of the Lancelot Boyz was a close second:
FoghornLeghorn: Yoda: Hmm, for the win, then is Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa.
Et Tu Douche?: The Lancelot boys are all in when it comes to their commitment to baggery. It’s a lifestyle they fully embrace. There is no flip flopping with them. As For PTA Mom Vanessa she’s hott in various ways, hell even the cigarette kind of gets me going. Her B( . )( .)Bs might be saggy but they’re real and that’s a good thing.
The Dude: The Dude casts his vote for the Lancerots and the Smoking, Hott PTA MILF Vanessa, with a lingering nod to Librarian Butt girl, and by nod I mean nose snuzzle.
Choad the Douche Sprocket: normally, me likes me hotties with more meat on their bones (and especially their gams), but gazing into the ginormous shades and empty brains of the Boyz inspires in me certain homicidal thoughts, i.e., to front-load a pick-ax into their vacuous visages…therefore: Murder = The Win (Loss) for these poseurs.
Hurl Scheibe: It’s that f#cking sneer that makes me want to stick a 10″ rusted nail into the tip of a Doc Marten and kick those turds in the bnuts, Tom Dempsey style.
That sneer, indeed. A violent metaphor, but apropos, H.S. The odiousness of Tommy Pak and the Giggle Ladies (and hand of Collective Unconscious) came in a solid third:
icame isaw idouched: Tommy Pak FTW. This wad of fuck could care less about the Hotts, he to busy salivating over the reach around from the dude behind him.
Hermit: Maria and Consuela were just two well-behaved schoolgirls enjoying life and studying hard at Catholic School in Las Cruses, New Mexico. But since they started rolling with T-Pak, their life has become a hellish death plunge into a purgatorial nightmare for which there is no absolution, even from The Pope himself.
hatealldouches: Tommy Pak gets the vote this month. Sure, Consuela may be a bit average, but Maria on the left is smokin’, so that gets the HC vote. And as icame isaw mentioned, in the purest of douche behavior, Pak’s only concern is about himself and the reach around he’s getting from his buddy. Clearly THAT is what has him excited.
And poor Froholio and Hangin’ on Kaylie finished fourth, but with support as well, and by support, I mean hairspray:
Nostradouchus: Froholio is head and douchie hair above the rest.
skrag2112: I judge these on a scale of how many shovels I’d like to apply to the face of said douche, and Froholio definitely wins with a 9 out of 10 faceshovels. I’d never give any douche a perfect 10 because that would imply they are perfect at something, and I don’t want to inflate their egos any larger.
I R A Darth Aggie: No, DJ Froholio your hair stylings and your belief that you get the rock star exemption. You can see it in his eyes, that smirk, the duds and the Jesus bling.
I thought the same, Mr. A, but pro-baggery just doesn’t rankle the way authentic scrotery does. And Kayle just couldn’t compete on the hott side neither. This was Herposity’s time to take us towards 2012. Lets let idfma take us home:
It’s a tough call, but it’s gotta be the Herpster. Between the hideous tapestry tattooed to his chest, and the tuxedo speedo that’s almost as flat in front as the beautiful Vanessa’s – the Herpster seems like a special kind of douche – one who might get the girl, but not be able to do anything with her once he does. His vacant look puts the cherry on top.
Well put, idfma, and that’s why we call ’em our winners (losers) and next-to-last entrant at the 2011 Douchie Awards in December. Book ’em, Dano, and your humble narrator for Frosted Mini Wheats.
Monday, October 17, 2011HCwDB of the Month
The 2011 Douchies are only a few Months away. You know what to do. Bring it.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa
With a late-week run of pics, including Lancelot Boy Melvin and Stephanie, a Classic ‘Bag Sandwich on Laurie, and once again Bothering Vanessa and her Bestie in a Room Full of Bros, The Lancelot Boyz bring crypto-gay Bassian wankery to the game.
Hott PTA mom Stephanie has one of the confusing old/young Portrait of Dorian Grey things going, which only makes her hotter.
Is she 20? The body says yes.
Is she 35 and drives a minivan to soccer practice on Saturdays? The face says maybe.
Together, a swirling vortex of hottness.
In presence of Lancelot Boyzery, a solid alchemic wrongness and a strong favorite for the Monthly.
But we’re just gettin’ started.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: HCwDB of the Week: Tommy Pak, Giggle Ladies with Daddy Issues, and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious
Giggle Ladies With Daddy Issues, especially of the barely legal kind, are the kind most in need of saving.
Here we see Maria and Consuela, sisters still pissed off at dad for the move to the States.
So they get back at him.
By allowing butt fondle from a heaping douchenugget like Tommy Pak.
And lets not forget Guggenheim Art worthy “Hand of the Collective Unconscious,” rendering the entire pic a modernist synthesis between Pop Art and Outsider Art in the Brechtian mode.
But enough to win the Monthly?
Two more to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: DJ Froholio and Hangin’ On Kaylie
Froholio and Kaylie won in a week weak. Or weak week.
I knew that loose was too noose.
The kids today wouldn’t even get that reference.
But I digress.
Froholio has the stupid head. Is Paid-to-Pose DJ asshollickery.
And Kaylie is tasty, even as she holds on to 16 as long as she can.
Changes come around real soon… okay fine, so maybe my references are dated. Whaddaya want? All the young kids with the pumped up kicks?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Herpster and Librarian Laura
Herpster.
Librarian Laura butt.
Together, they synthesize coagulated poo.
Herspter’s vacant stare and tuxedo crotch innovated an entire new sub-species of douche mock. The fact the wrongness of his presence is counterpointed by the normalcy of Good Guy Ron, getting lucky with Dancer Marie, even more strongly sets the anal pucker of Herpsterism as noteworthy and distinct.
It burns. And is our final coupling up for the contest.
One of these four couplings is most toxic, and deserves to be called “HCwDB of the Month.”
But which?
I need your vote.
Tell me, in the comments thread, which pic most keeps the hot side hott and the douchey side douchey.
Vote now.
Thursday, September 15, 2011HCwDB of the Month: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate
Barely edging the dual eurotrash power of the Chernobros and Cathy, the power of waterproof hair gel, middle-fingerdom and idiotic tatt, while clearly hooking up with the tasty hottapii that is Kate, was too much to overcome.
And don’t forget Joey Lumpcrustowitz Gives You the Finger.
Heinous vegas douchery.
All that this site was established to fight against.
The voters speak:
The Dude: I gotta give the nod (slap) to Joey Lumps and the arched-back Kate FTW. Lumpy is absolutely sure he made the right choices at the tattoo parlor, and for that, we’ll probably have to consider him once again in December.
FoghornLeghorn: Joey L. and Kate, for sure. I find myself imagining that she discarded her bikini bottom for this photo, and she is whispering my name in Joey’s ear.
DoucheyWallnuts: Joey Lumpcrustowitz, and his perfectly compatible bleeth ‘cuz he makes me hate. He exhibits each and every loathsome quality possible – do I really need to point them out? – and STDs ooze from his every pore.
Douchie Spellcheck: You can tell from the arch in her back that my aforesaid 12-inch-tounge has found Kate’s magic button. (“That tickles!” she coos.)
Vin Douchal: has to be for Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate FTW as he outsmugs the smuggest smugster that ever smugged his mealy way into our consciousness. You can’t unsee his horrible tatts nor the massive head trauma expression of a diaper wearing mental patient post-diaper filling.
Scrotation Marks: The fact that you were even able to scroll down after Joey and Kate means you are more a man than I. They define HCwDB and as such, get my vote. Two Scrote Marks up high.
Ted Brogan: Joey and Kate for sure. Pearielle is too leathery. Right Chernobro is wearing a plain t-shirt and Kathy is not what would be considered “hot.” Ivan, you put up a good fight. And your website definitely helped. But you are self-aware of your joke.
spmock: Joey and Kate make me want to do the Vulcan death pinch on myself. So yes, they win.
RAPETIME: May his twenty-pound watch drag him to the bottom of the pool, which will have to drained and sterilized afterwards. But it will all be worth it.
ehcuodouche: Joey is 100% American, Greater New York Borough doucheclown, who takes his two weeks off in between tuning up engines and bouncing other douchebags out of the club to take his special lady to Vegas for tanning poolside, gambling, shopping and spreading herpes.
Capt. James T. Douche: He flips the bird in every picture which is really his only means of emotional expression, which is not bad when you think about his level of awareness.
tall guy: Lumpcrustowitz must surely take the monthly. His semi-pursed lip/leer combo alone makes him a winner (loser), + Kate’s reworking of the term trailer trash makes her an ideal companion (bleeth) as the hick sidekick.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Joey apparently flips the bird to the camera in EVERY PHOTO, which takes him over the top. Katie is Bleeth, but yummy bleeth. I’d tap it. She wouldn’t be invited to stay, but I’d tap it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: How bad do you wanna be a douche Joey? “So bad I can taste it bro!” What would you do to become the biggest douche in the world? the universe? “Anything man, ANYTHING man!”
Mandouchian Candidate: Joey for sure. The smugness and utter awareness of just what a rectalplug he is seals the deal, no pun intended.
Steve L.: of all the contestants, only Joey Lumpcrustowitz would claim to be a male model “just waiting for that gig” from Armani Exchange. and he would probably confuse many a hapless hotts with that line. just thinking about it results in cobalt radiation to the head.
Douchey Lewis and the News: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate FTW! This guy sucks, and I bet he knows it.
army (ret) douche: I cast my vote for joey and kate the bling tat is incomprehensible with a side of retardation
Medusa Oblongata: Getting your own name tattooed on you = autoscrote. May God have little or no mercy on his soul, especially after that awful Jeebus bling tat.
Daggerbagger’: Would jeeus save him: no, but would jeebus pull the plug of this Vegas pool and send the Joester a spinnin’ down the watery abyss from whence he came?: I hope so.
Baron Von Goolo: if I knew within a reasonable amount of certainty that the only way to avoid looking at Joey Lumpcrustowitz’s self-possessed mug for four more seconds was to wrap a coil of roofing nails around a rabid mandrill’s pink, bony pecker and allow the beast to socket-rape my eyes into a frothy paste, I’d swap my Visine for mandrill pheromone faster that you could say “Hey, why is that mandrill looking at me like thaaaaSWEETJEEZUSSF#CKKKK!!!!!!!”
So many classic ‘bag hunters and huntress brought their A-Game to the thread, quality mock all around. However, the dual facial fung ridiculousness of The Chernobros gave Joey and Kate a run. And by run I mean I.B.S., clearly falling short due to lack of Cathy being A-level hott:
Jeet Kune Douche: Sweet Jesus, save us from the Martian Orange Antichrist Twins! Spike/peaked hair stupid sunglasses diesel shorts orange skin undie reveal fake dogtags 20lb watch chin pubage BBBLLLLLAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH
Choad The Douche Sprocket: Joey is all that we on this site love to hate… but come on… the pure, unabashed, cooler-than-you surliness of the Chernbros is truly inspirational. And by “inspirational” I mean they inspire all of us to vomit onto the furry front seat of the low-rider they arrived in. Chernbros and Cathy FTM
Douchble Helix: Try to picture Cathy’s life. 30 years ago, she was “it”. And had been for a ‘just right’ amount of time. Livin’ large. But that was 30 years ago. And she had no second act. So, she’s still out there, with these ‘bags. I give her credit for not being dead or all hagged out, but leather-skinned, blond and half-naked is no way to go through life, miss.
Colossus of Choads: The Chernobros. Simply for their undeserved, radiating ‘tude.
hatealldouches: the dual infusion of eurotrash, douchebaggery ‘tude from these asswipes is classic, tasteless and all that I hate. I want to punch those smug fucking looks right off their orange faces.
FirstTimeVoter: ChernoBros. They are disturbing. The one picture may not depict all that they are, if we ever got to see their full body of douche work…. we’d be impressed? Depressed?
Et Tu Douche?: I’m going with the The Chernobros and Cathy. I do believe the live up to HCwDB maxim. I still wanna believe she’s a milf if not she’s still pretty hott in a out of town for the weekend, drunken one night stand kinda way. Her pooch belly and subtle naturals calls to me and by calls to me I mean I bet she enjoys yogurt glazing.
Yogurt glazing is definitely listed on Cathy’s C.V., Et Tu Douche?. Good call. Coming in a solid third place, but with signifcant support, was the clownish oldbaggery of Sir Ivan and his two nieces, Ashley and Ananda:
Steve: Sir Ivan and his bleeths. Because he’s old, they’re young, and that’s life.
dbBen: As I bite into this chicken sandwich we call life, Sir Ivan is a cold, plumed portion of fleshy chicken skin.
Wedgie: #1 has the hottest hottie. But Ivan really deserves it, and he will have the best chance in the yearly. So my vote goes to the White Russian, #4. Das vedanya, Comrades.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Sir Ivan! La, la, la, la, la, kick to the head.
IRA Darth Aggie: Ashley and Ananda: FTW, and by win I mean “those dresses are short and that white one is wonderfully sheer”. And I got to support us old f#cks, so even tho I’d put my steel-toed boot in Sir Ivan’s ass and kick him to the curb, I’ll give him my vote of non-confidence.
Mr. White: Sir Ivan, because I celebrate that old Barry Manilow bag for making it through the rain. Also, his chicks are the only ones that don’t make Little Mr. White try to crawl inside my abdomen and hide. Although they probably should.
And in a sad fourth place finish in spite of the Pear quality, Pearielle and Wankus McHannibul, who probably lost on account of Paid-to-Douche probaggery.
Troy Tempest: Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle fail because Pearielle is a prostitute. And we all know that there are 3 professions that get paid to touch your junk: 1. Doctors 2. Prostitutes and 3. The TSA. Since doctors and the TSA both wear blue gloves and prostitutes and the TSA are easily trained, and prostitutes and doctors make more in a day than you make in a month, that puts prostitutes in the realm of pr0n – something expensive tat you can’t touch. Unless you pay. a lot. So Pearielle is out of the competition and Wankus is pretty much a yahoo who never grew out of 4th grade
Well said, Double T, they didn’t stand a chance. This was Crustowitz time. Lets let Douche Springsteen take us home:
50 years from now, when Joey has no hair to gel & spike up and his limbs are too weak to lift his arm while wearing a six pound watch and his last breath escapes his body at the hospital, an orderly is going to strip him down and place him in the morgue and see his tribal flames / Jesus bling tattoo and think “What a douchebag.” That will happen to no other competitor and that alone should be enough for him to take the monthly. Not to be overlooked is Kate, who may be a bleeth, but there is something to be said for an ample bosom straining against a bikini top.
That about sums it all up. Great to see all show up for a classic ‘bag thread mockathon. Chalk up the Crust and Cathy for the Yearly.
And now I eat Coco Puffs.
Monday, September 12, 2011HCwDB of the Month
Today’s a big day. Four unique slices of mold choad. Four intriguing battles for hottie/douchey supremacy. But I need your help. Which of the following four couplings of intestinal disorder is most deserving of competing at the 2011 Douchie Awards for HCwDB of the Year in December?
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Joey Lumpcrustowitz and Kate
Bringing two quality pics of Vegasian poolbaggery to the game, including Joey Lumpcrustowitz Gives You the Finger, here there be odiousness.
From tattoo Jesus Bling to spikey hair in the pool.
From hottie suckle thigh to spanky poochle slap.
Here there be Vegas asswippery.
And here there be waitress who aspires to model.
Together, boobies and stupid tatts.
Like the early alchemy that formed the Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup. Or the great Bob Ueker moderating Tastes Great / Less Filling debates of the mid 1980s.
A strong, strong, first entry.
But if you think this pairing is toxic, there’s three more to go.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Wankus McHannibul and Pearielle
Party boi festercrud here once starred in an Australian Biker Film.
No, not “Mad Max.”
It was a lesser known straight-to-video release called “Sucky Bald Douchebag On a Bike.”
Worth Netflixing, though.
It had a fine early performance from Thandie Newton in it as the hot chick.
Yup.
No idea what I’mma saying anymore.
But leather tie, even if this is Paid-to-Douche professional entertainment, is still ubermockworthy.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Chernobros and Cathy
This nuclear meltdown of douche sandwich is the rare “bros” pic in the Monthly.
But do not let the fact we have two ‘bags instead of one split or otherwise distract your vote.
Look at that chin fung. Come on now, people. That’s the sucky suck.
For together, like the Wonder Twins, the Chernobros alter the DNA of all those in the fallout radius and form a collective poo turd.
Cathy is sweet, cute, giggly, and viably holding up the hott side of the equation, even if lacking in Pear thickage.
Together, can this trivection oven hold up in the Monthly?
One more to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Sir Ivan, Ashley and Ananda
Olbaggery representin’.
Ashley and Ananda are gazelle paid to pose gnaw legs of poochy slap.
Sir Ivan has a homepage that looks like this.
Can a paid-to-buffoon Oldbag make it to the Yearly?
It’s tough competition.
As the DB1 enjoys a tasty bowl of Frosted Flakes and reclines on a stained and saggy sofa while contemplating the bleak crises of postmodern corporeal denature, it’s your turn.
Which of these four pics deserves entrance into the Yearly?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011HCwDB of the Month: The Most Interesting Douchebag In The World and Brittney
He may not always be a douchebag macking on hot chicks. But when he is, he…
Oh, who are we kidding? When is The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World not a douchebag?
A solid victory in the monthly and a slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards in December for our speedo wearing groin shave revealing ubersquat and the tasty suckle thigh in his presence. The voters speak:
Mandouchian Candidate: TMIDBITW brings a whole new level of douchebaggery. Oblivious of his own stench and unaware of his vomit inducing aura, he is the winner, and by winner, I mean most likely to be tied up and drug down the Vegas strip by a foreigner in a Scion.
icame isaw idouched: He doesn’t always suck cock but when does, they call him the Dyson. He’s TMIDBITW and a winner
Guid is Good: Yeah gotta go with teh Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney. He is all that is roided, veiny and wrong with the world. Plus he’s probably stolen his mum’s diuretics too. Brittney is 6, maybe 12 months away from complete Bleethdom. Too peroxided, too orange. The perfect couple.
Bret Easton Douchis: The Post-Empire Answer is the Douchiest man in the world. He is unrepentently Douche. The bleeth to the left matters little. The Hottie/Douche paradigm is soooooo “Empire Thinking”.
G.C.: interesting douchebag and his legs that never get any steroid-love.
Douche Assassin: steroid-based physique? That’s a check. Strangely thin pin-head? Check. Eurobriefs? What the hell man. Creepy vein/stretch marks originating from his groin shave reveal? I don’t even know what to say. This guy is losing so hard he went past #winning and already won.
Whoop-di-douche: a veritable combo of half-nekkid bods in the glaring sun, “Hey, yo, look at me and my tatts and ripped muscles and tighty swimsuits.”
Time for a dunking.
soy bomb: This is a tough month. I’m just gonna keep it short ‘n sweet and vote for the guy with a hockey puck strapped to his wrist.
tall guy: my vote goes to TMIDBITW and Brittney for their sheer reptilian repulsiveness.
Lady Scatterly: The Most Interesting Doucebag in the World, for his nut huggin shorts with sock and shoe combo. And the whole DB vibe he’s got going on.
Douchey Lewis and the News: He doesn’t always wear shorts, but when he does they are package squishers.
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: He doesn’t always wear a George Michaels type beard. But when he he does, he likes it stroked by a penis.
Wedgie: Seldom do we see the personification of all this site despises contained with such perfection in one photo. His list is complete: GSR, 10 lb. watch, shirtless, marble bag, stupid tatts, etc. Plus, white socks with black shoes thrown in for bonus points. Stupid choad, even in Vegas you don’t make that mistake. She is heavenly, all bikini’d up with high heels; I love her deeply. And by deeply, I mean completely superficial sex lasting all of 36 seconds, if I’m lucky.
Dude McCrudeshoes: “I don’t always sodomize chimpanzees, but when I do, I always take them to dinner first. Stay douchey, my friends.”
Hurl Schelbe: In the end, I went with TMIDITW because of those bitchen GSR Tendons.
Well parsed, team, and TMIDITW jokes celebrate the best ad campaign of 2010 in nicely satirical style. Good work. Coming in a solid second place, the classic jerzwankery of The Broctopus and Melinda:
El Bastardo Magnifico: Broctopus is Busch league Ab Lobster, with a room temperature IQ and the comedic timing of a threshing machine accident. Party Girl Melinda would be equally impressed by a shiny Spongebob keychain and a roll of bubble wrap, and not necessarily both things at once. I don’t want to believe creatures like this are capable of excreting waste without some kind of extensive nine week training program, much less possessing the ability to dress themselves and use language. Here’s to a genetic dead end, gentlemen.
Medusa Oblongata: At least the other three look somewhat content to be in the company of bouncie boobie succle hott. But Broctopus? Squeezing out a Chore-Boy buttplug. And Melinda looks like the chick that I’d have the best shot with. So, for the smug, and the luscious thigh, Broctopus FTW and the aforementioned Alpaca trampling.
stephanie: The Broctopus is so sickening as a non entity. Nothing but a tube of hair jell.
Herodouchous: Over spiked hair, douchal expression, chin pubes, jeans that came from the store ripped up, white belt, Incredible Hulk ab reveal in a location where his shirt should remain on, and a leg warmer hottie. Yep, I’d say Broctopus is going the extra mile to win the monthlies.
McDouche: They make me sick. If I was at that bar I would light myself on fire.
They are bar light fiery indeed, McD. But in a surprising voting result, the clubbaggery of Crotch Johnson and the Hottness of the Sara Bikini Twins came in a distant third. Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche writes the dissenting decision:
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties FTW! Why? The tatt. The tatt right above what I’m almost positive would be a GSR. It works like the focal point of the picture. Sure, you look at the hotts and have your dirty little thoughts but then you keep noticing it. You look again at the reduochulous hat but then you’re staring at the tatt again. You spend an inordinate amount of time looking at the female GSR’s but the tatt is still in your field of vision. No matter how hard you try it is always there. All the others provide some form of relief (Young Mom Carol’s blue eyes, the fucck me boots of Party Girl Melinda, or the smashed boobies and taught tummy of white trash Brittney) but this one leaves you with that same feeling you get when a finger breaks through the toilet paper. And you had Taco Bell last night.
creature: Crotch Johnson is the rancid meat in a chlamydia bleeth sandwhich…they are all 3 vile & are prompting me to put my entire portfolio into the body condom market…it’s a gross, er, growth industry
Well said Creatch and Dr. Bun. “Broken Toilet Paper Taco Bell Buttwipe” was my favorite thrash band in the 80s. Moving on. The Silverlake Stubble ™ of Silverlake Todd and Young Mom Carol also tied for third, but with support.
dbBen: Silverlake Todd. He tells people that he’s the Brody Jenner of Texas.
All four couplings brought the HC/DB dialectics in gellatinous spades. But there was no beating Crotch Vein. Wait, that sounds vaguely nasty. Lets let long time ‘bag slayer Chris in ‘Baghdad take us home:
TMIDITW & Brittney….he may indeed be the most interesting ‘Bag yet tagged, not the most exotic, but since he never wore a shirt, even to church…and she is a bleethy bleeth for sure. Chrome off a trailer hitch and more. He also might be the Ugliest Douchebag in the World, which, if he holds twin titles, surely puts him over the top for the monthly.
Chalk ’em, Dano. They’se in the Yearly and the DB1 brings his laptop in to get fixed after spilling ‘Train on it last night upon learning that internet legend Mecha Hineyho, aka “Zyzz,” passed away in Thailand at the age of 22. R.I.P. to this frolicking legend who joins the late Pumpy in the sky.
Monday, August 8, 2011HCwDB of the Month
It’s on. It’s so on. Bring the Mock, people. Do your duty:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties
There’s something almost reassuring in these dark and unstable economic times knowing that Crotch Johnson is out there, douching it up with hot chicks for all of us sinners.
For C.J. is anti-Lebowski.
But nor a nihilist neither.
Some swampy middle land of stupid head and credit card debt without worry.
Where boobies flow freely like rice wine.
And sparrows come to nest in his hair like forgotten Song of the South Disney racist past.
The Sara Bikini Hotties want to major in nursing, and giggle a lot.
And for that we thank them by enjoying a tasty guava mixer.
Which is not a euphemism. Guava mixers are tasty.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Silverlake Todd and Young Mom Carol
Bringing a much needed dose of real world hottie/douchey dialectics back to the Monthly, real world Todd and Young Mom Carol are the antethesis of the party doucher club itch of Crotch Johnson and the Sara Bikini Hotties.
Yet just as powerfully potently wrong.
With his patented Silverlake Stubble ™ is all sorts of punchworthy hipster douche that hangs out at Intelligentsia on Sunset and claims he’s working on a script about mutant donkeys called “Mutant Donkeys,” Crotch Johnson is real world indie itch.
As to the screenplay? He’s on page four.
Young Mom Carol is all that is hot about women who marry too soon and carry a secret sexual yearning for crazed orgyness underneath their societal veneer for the rest of their 30s and 40s.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Broctopus and Party Girl Melinda
Offering yet another distinct dialectic in this monthly, The Broctopus and Party Girl Melinda are standard issue clownbaggery.
The losers in the bar who force the party when the partying should not be forced.
And thus make all real girls in the immediate vicinity lose all interest in late night makeouts.
Because Broctopus is too stupid for the rest of us to abide.
I would paddle Melinda with a shake weight and ask for change.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Most Interesting Douchebag in the World and Brittney
Our final contestants for a spot in the HCwDB of the Year bring pumped up musclebaggery and tasty blonde suckle thigh in toxic combo to the yearly.
Remember.
When voting, it is not just about the hott, or the douchebag, but the combination in toto as a Freudian Primal Trauma Rorsharch test that truly pushes the limits of our critical discourse.
Which combo is most toxic and wrong?
Vote as ever in the comments thread.
Thursday, July 7, 2011HCwDB of the Month: Clifford the Big Red ‘Bag and Bethany and Brittany
In one of the closest Monthlies in awhile, what was essentially a four way tie of hottie/douchey meritocracy was finally broken by considering both primary secondary votes.
So your brain addled narrator tallied the votes. And after an early surge by Mr. Hawk and Hottie Heather, and a late push by both Manos: The Pecs of Fate as well as the wrongness of The Roastbeefer and Nikita Twins, Clifford’s shrunken nads and real world cuteness of Bethany and Brittany ultimately triumphed (failed).
The voters speak:
Horace Dangleballs: Sweatband? Douche. Red goggles and you’re not preserving your night vision like a WW 2 submariner? Douche. 26 inch cutoff jean shorts on a 34 inch waist? Douche. (But, as someone said in the original post, his lowered sperm count IS a benefit to society.)
Hermit: Clifford’s chin is horribly scarred from playing bobbing for sea urchins in a vat of hydrochloric acid, but it’s nothing that some Bondo and a neckbeard couldn’t hide.
Douchewallnuts: Clifford the Big Red Bag FTW. Channeling Will Ferrell while being a douchebag is an incredible achievement and must be rewarded.
idfma: I gotta go with Clifford. I have never seen someone look like an arrogant dickhead and completely befuddled all at the same time. Those rose colored shades make his eyes look swollen shut, and he either looks like he’s about to barf or say something really stupid.
ehcuodouche: Heather is the hottest, to be sure, but Clifford has two relatively normal-looking attractive women sheltering under his redmess [sic] who are not bazooka barfing. You can’t explain that. Clifford FTW.
Et Tu Douche?: Clifford the Big Red ‘Bag and Bethany and Brittney, FTW.
percy douchetonsils: Do the shorts make the man red, or does the red man make the shorts? I’m not sure, and quite honestly, I find my lack of certainty comforting. Between the Ballston Stranglers, the Knopfler circa “Money for Nothing” headband and that smug-pugly smirk that makes Bradley Cooper seem humble, I gotta go with Elway, for the win!
tall guy: a fouler, more putrid sight I have not seen in a long time. School boy tighty shorties? In acid wash fabric no less? And if that is a gun in his pocket, it resembles an Austrian 2mm pinfire miniature… So it’s Clifford the Big Red Bag FTW.
Troy Tempest: I vote for Clifford because Hawk doesn’t rate, Manos pulls bleeth, not hotts, and roastbeefer has been reduced to radioactive confetti.
Well said people, and what’s interesting is other pics featured both purer hott chicks and douchier douches, but together, it was Clifford and Bethany and Brittany that produced the toxic tandem to win (lose). In a tight jorts second, we found the surprisingly strong essence of douchery in the visage of Mr. Hawk mugging Hottie Heather:
Fatness: Mr. Hawk Doesn’t Deserve This and Hottie Heather. He’s moving in and she is politely smiling for the photo and not leaning away. Either she just won a bet or she actually likes this hawk-tard. Winner (and we all lose).
MrEvilBreakfast: This is a tough call… but hawk FTW. It’s just that’s incredibly doucheristic. Clifford’s high up there, but he just reeks so heavily of retard. But that mohawk is just so deliberate…
Vin Douchal: Heather has some Silky Milky’s and I’m hoping she immediately went back to her paralegal studies after this photo was taken. And by paralegal studies I mean stripping her way through cosmetology school.
But Manos: The Pecs of Fate and the ‘Beefer were also on the cusp of winning (losing), and both found righteous support:
Grand Douchemeister: I gotta go with Manos. The question which scientists have attempted to answer for decades has been which spawned which. Did the movie spawn the douche or did the douche paradoxically travel back in time and spawn the movie which spawned his name which and so forth until we all yearn for the sweet taste of oblivion.
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: Gotta go with the Roastbeefer, for actually wearing more feminine clothing than his hotts are sporting. Quite possably the gayest thing I’ve seen in quite some time. It’s only a matter of time before he starts begging for my “jelly” and “Mirin”, and to “come on me, bro”.
FoghornLeghorn: Manos and Marsha for the win. Clifford looks like the biggest bag and Heather makes me drool, but their dates bring them down. If Clifford and his shorts could get together with Heather, or even the Nikita twins, that would be a winner. But that won’t happen in his lifetime.
joey-joe-joe: the clear pick for the monthly is manos, seen here selecting the most manly of pole-polishers in an attempt to make himself appear somehow relevant by applying the classic head-fake of “is it he or is it she” distraction. that straight-billed slightly-off-center cap with stupid sunglasses and pubic-triangle-chin crapsmear make me wanna gargle with port-a-pot waste and spit in his drink (if only it wouldn’t be such a waste of perfectly good digestive enzymes). yes, mano and his pecs FTM.
Choad the Douche Sprocket: Manos, like Nowitzki powering his trademark jumper, barrels into the lane sporting tatts, soul patch, hat tilt, wristband (Puma no less!), stupid sunglasses, even stupider stare, and a pulchritudinous hot pressing her arch-backed fun bags into his pits
I R A Darth Aggie: Manos and Back Arch Marsha FTW. And by “win” I mean “I want a kitten to punch me in the nuts” because I’m horrified that I’d like to dork Marsha in her squeakhole.
‘Daggerbagger: Roastbeefer FTM. Its his poised, coy smile combined with an exact 14degree eastwards face-tilt that requires oh so many hours of mirror practice to perfect that sells it for me. This is a sign of learned douchebaggery. It is this, plus gay V-neck shirts eminiscent of ‘NON’ from superman in the presence of babes that make me want to destroy myself.
Excellent parsings by all in the comments thread. But this was Clifford’s week to take it to the Yearly. Lets let Whoop-di-douche take us home:
Clifford the Big Red Dawggiebag gets my goat, er, vote with that caricature of a comicbook body and those teeny tighty jeanshorts. It’s a total irony that he has no tatts I can see, but then, his starin’ ‘tude is more visceral than his obvious viscera. Please, someone slip that headband onto his neck, attach a leash, and lead him far, far away, before he takes a dump on us all, because those two pooper-scoopers with him are not up to the task of cleanin’ up after him.
Methinks all four of these toxic couplings should receive some form of recognition at the 2011 Douchie Awards. But only one can advance to the Finals. And that one has a really low sperm count and real world tiny hotts by his inflated sides.
Clifford and Bethany and Brittany for the Yearly. And your narrator for a bagel.
