HCwDB of the Month
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Tuesday, July 5, 2011
HCwDB of the Month
It may be the post July 4th-ish weekend, but that don’t mean the Mock stops. The Monthly is here. And it is important.
So stop that silly “work” thing. Put down all that you do. And get to votin’.
Your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Clifford the Big Red ‘Bag and Bethany and Brittney
Clifford may at first seem like this unholy crimson coelacanth of douchebaggery. You think, he has to be faking it.
But let it be clear.
The evidence does not show a Halloween party or any sort of costumic dress up on the part of the backround participants in the evening’s festivities.
Therefore we can conclude that this is not dressup, and is indeed, douche.
For logic dictates, and by dicktates I mean dicktaters, that no ironic dressup could possibly include shrunken nads inside of tight-ass jean shorts.
Clifford is pure douche essence. And deserved to be mocked accordingly.
Mmmm… tiny Bethany and Brittany.
How your lack of conversational skills is made up by your ability to do shots and “Woo” every time the D.J. plays Katy Perry. And Katy Perry sucks. But I pretend to like it and offer to buy you a Mai Tai.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Mr. Hawk Doesn’t Deserve This and Hottie Heather
For sheer hotchickery, there may be no competition in this Monthly contest, for Hottie Heather delivers Mayan Eye of Coitus on a number of thematic, structural and esoteric levels.
We also can’t diminish the douchal power of the stupid Hawk.
For it is very stupid.
No less so than when combined with some strange ironic suit and tie wearage.
Lame.
Not to mention, Mr. Hawk and Hottie Heather, together, remind us of one of the most offensive HCwDB photos in the history of the site.
For all these factors, they must be considered in the Monthly for sheer toxic amplification that goes beyond the quantification of their ‘bag/hott substrata.
But enough to win the hallowed HCwDB of the Month? There’s two more finalists to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Roastbeefer and the Nikita Twins
For pure overpriced bottle poppin’ noxious classic douchebaggery, is there anything more culturally destructive than shiny penis pants in presence of paid-to-party hot chicks like the Nikita Twins?
I think not.
And lets not forget a week later, when part two of The Roastbeefer’s beefing came our way.
Here’s one hoagie covered in the societal molds, spores and fungi’s of Egon’s hobby collection.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Manos: The Pecs of Fate and Back Arch Marsha
Vegas spectacle rounds out our quite potent HCwDB of the Month, as Manos: The Pecs of Fate horrifies old ladies and cauterizes poodle nads without antiseptic.
Don’t forget the second part of our two-part drive-in extravaganza: Manos,The Pecs of Fate II: Ass Pear Reveal Thigh Grab.
Back Arch Marsh has all sorts of douchadox slutsappeal, and cannot be dismissed as potent H.C., regardless of trashiness.
But can they win the Weekly?
I honestly have no idea who’s going to win and earn a spot in our hallowed HCwDB of the Year in December.
So I need your vote. Which of these four couplings most (dis)embodies the spirit of Hottie/Douchey dialectics?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Weinerbag
Ya know, I would almost be forgiving of the Congressman’s online genitalia pics simply for busting the best Jewfro I’ve seen since my best friend Benji’s Bar Mitzvah in 1987.
But we gotta have standards around here. And The Weiner Story is well deserving.
Sending pictures of his python to ladies online is autobag.
I have no idea in what world men think women want to see pictures of their package. Most girls respond with a resigned sigh and a bored, vacant look. I mean, so I’ve been told.
Here’s your Douchebag of the Month award, Weiner. Now if you’re smart, you’ll get a job promoting Viagra like Dole did.
Thursday, June 2, 2011HCwDB of the Month: Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic
The inflation run was notable for sheer cartoonish spectacle. And the victory (loss) was not to be denied. Witness the run: Pumpin’Head and Mary #2 and Pumpin’Head and Mary #3.
This inflated spectacle of gender extremes also appeared in 2010 as Veg Armstrong and UberArm and Pauline, and while that sometimes disqualifies a ‘Bag/Hott for consideration the following year, I’ll make an exception for the specularity of this spectacle.
Truth is, Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn really were the more mockable HCwDB combo in the contest, but the overwhelming stench of pumped up uberschlort was too much to overcome. As the voters speak:
Wedgie: The inflatable twins for the win. Number 4, and here’s your yearly unless we unearth another Stackhouse. Unlikely.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: His tiny head no doubt houses a tinier brain, and her giant mamms contain enough silicon to produce a million iPhones.
Anonymous: Mary has infinite density, her mammaries are built from barely constrained neutron stars, while Peter is nebulous, his biceps filled with an (un)noble gas. How could anything compare to this cosmic, paradoxical and soul-destroying pairing of weight per unit volumism? They are proof of the entropic decay of the universe and make me ponder the Big Crunch…
idfma: Peter and the woman with rock-hard breasts. Do you think he’s jelly that her breasts are harder than his pecs?
One for the Choad: Hott Jenn and Marissa are scrumtrulescent, and Bin Laden is, well, a turd, but I have to give my vote to the ridiculous Michelin Man sorry-ass excuse for a human being that is Peter Pump’inhead and Mary the Big Boobed Lady.
Douche Assassin: Pumpinhead takes this Monthly by the tip of his headhunter-sized noggin. What the hell is that. Is that a gorilla, a robot or a douche… and his “girl” isnt much better. Oh, the humanity!!!
I R A Darth Aggie: I want to rub butter on to Mary’s bolt-ons, whilst placing my foot on Peter’s head and forcing it under the waves. Yes, the Douchedox compells me to vote for Mary’s bolt-ons. I feel hideous and must shower.
Medusa Oblongata: I’m gonna go obvious and give my Paul to Peter and Mary. Then I’m gonna go not-so obvious and say that I’m voting for her because I can tell she used to be very, very hott. Then she got those hideous tits, that spiny, overchiseled nose and the 43 psi inflat-a-lips. She did that to herself so she could attract men. Huh? WE HAVE VAGINAS, THEY’RE LIKE MAGIC, WTF?
Indiana Choad and The Temple of Douche: Even though Mary is the least hot of all the hotts, (and yes, I’m including Bert), I’ll still vote for her and Pumper. There is just no way I can’t vote for the astonishingly distorted body images on display.
SonnyChibaChoad: Mammtastic Mary and her Mountains of MMMMilk FTW…too bad Pete’s twigs and berries will need restarting like Manny’s!
Troy Tempest: Voting matters, and my vote goes to the obvious winner: Inflate-o-Douche and Bleethy Blimp Boobs. These two are so over the top useless they makes my sinuses cake themselves in tiny bits of eggshell for protection.
DoucheyWallnuts: So for reasons too obvious to have to explain I cast my vote for Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic. Once again, to quote Flaubert, “Nothing is more humiliating than to see idiots succeed in enterprises we have failed in.” And I would fail if I attempted to pose in the manner of Pumpin and Mary…
Grand Douchemeister: I’d say Buzzy and Marissa, but Pumpin’head and Mammtastic are too douche/bleeth for words.
This is a case where the spectacles of Douche Aura and Bleeth Overwhelm trumps Douche Signifiers and Standard Hott Chick. Coming in a close second, Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn were a purist form of HCwDB, the classic type we usually mock.
McLeery: Pukey for sure. Peter and his girl, while ridiculous dont cut the mustard. She is not bleethy enough and his lack of tats, Ed Hardy gear and idiotic bling pull him out of the running.
ehcuodouche: Pukey is showing off a yeast infection, which is a serious party foul, and overrides the Rockstar Leniency Rule, which Pukey would get if he were actually a rockstar, and not a 7-11 clerk who sings part time for a crappy Aerosmith cover band in Dubuque, Iowa.
Choad the Douche Sprocket: Pukey and Hott Jenn FTM – ‘cuz he’s the only one of the bunch who deserves to be permanently exiled to Bin Laden’s Afghan estate…and she reminds me of the last Vegas stripper I ever polished off an 8-ball with.
anonymous: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jen for the simple fact that she appears to be rubbing that turd’s package and that makes me very very angry.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn because his life plateaued in his second run at the 11th grade, and she’s just into him for the free carwash tokens.
Well said people, and it’s good to see the dialectics of the mock continue in the strong comments thread. Coming in third and fourth, but with support, Buzzy and Marissa, and, of course, Evil Burt and Dead Bin Laden.
hermit: what I’d like to do is stare directly and unblinking into Marisa’s white-hot poon-dial until mucus mixed with Benadryl® bubbled from my nostrils, the image was burned permanently into both retinas and tiny drops of semen trickled from my weenus, dripping on my Red Wing® work boots.
But for sheer inflation in an economic recession, lets let The Mandouchian Candidate take us home:
Even laying down this Anus has his head tilted back and to the left. Peter Pumpinhead and Mary Mammapalooza hands down. I hope they both fall in a tiger trap and have to resort to eating one another to survive. Free Range Douche? I think not…
Free Range Douche indeed, TMC. The Peter P and Mary M for the Monthly. And your stubbley narrator for Rice Crispies with chocolate milk (cheaper than Coco Puffs and just as tasty).
Tuesday, May 31, 2011HCwDB of the Month
Bring it.
Your humble narrator is back in action, and today is a big day. Today we select the winners of the HCwDB of the Month and next entrants in the hallowed HCwDB of the Year at the Douchie Awards in December.
Here’s your choices:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Pukey Bowie and Hott Jenn
This classic pairing of rocker wipestain and sexy giggle butt belly slappy pooch hotty hott harkons back to the halcyon days of HCwDB when we mocked Deathtongue and lusted Quartasian Mia Sara Hott.
Jenn is pure like snowflake, no one could ever stain.
The memory of her boobies will never cause me pain.
Yeah, I’m quoting the great Peter Wolf. Lead singer of master bar-room thespians, the J. Geils Band, and he who snagged ’70s Faye Dunaway Bonnie Hott.
But we am not here to talk about Peter Wolf shagging Faye Dunaway.
We are here to mock rocker choad like Pukey Bowie for all that is phoney and store-bought fraud in douche culture.
And determine our monthly coupling winner. And we got three more in the mix:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Buzzy Fails to Appreciate Marissa’s Taut Sundials
Buzzy is all that has gone toxic in American masculity in the age of the tribal tatt and hair grease.
Marissa is firm, taut suckle thigh, who may or may not be have been from some form of reality T.V. in the past.
But there is no reality T.V. at HCwDB.
There is only Cleavite.
And stupid Vegas choad.
Cohabiting. Wrongly.
I would spittake through a bad 1960s sitcom starring Don Knotts and Phyllis Diller just for the chance to vast her wastelands in an angry speech before Congress.
There is no doubt this coupling is beyond wrong and deserves our collective disdain.
But are they enough to win? Does hottie/douchey dialectic rise to Yearly levels?
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Evil Bert and Dead Bin Laden
Okay, this is a strange one, but rules is rules. I gave this evil pairing of strange douchosity a Weekly Win, and so they’re in the Monthly.
Evil Bert is the Hot Chick of this equation, harkoning back to when you were four years old and got confused that Bert and Ernie shared a bedroom.
Bin Laden’s douchery needs no further elucidation. But when his ass went down, it deserved a Weekly enshrinement.
And so the Bert/Bin Laden HCwDB pairing makes the Monthly.
Enough to win? Who knows? That’s up to you. Stranger things have happened at HCwDB.
But there’s one more global terrorist on the list. And his name is Pumpin’head:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammtastic
An erupture of pumped up uberschlort that occured on DarkSock’s watch, some have observed that the Peter and Mary Gospels were actually written back in 2010 when Peter appeared as Veg Armstrong.
Veg made another appearance with UberArm and Pauline.
But whether appearing in 2010 or not, this site is about highlighting the extremes that the male will go to to peacock for the hot chick. And Pumpin’head, even lacking the more obvious douche signifiers of Pukey Bowie, Buzzy or Bin Laden, is that inflatadouche.
The Pumpy-esque (R.I.P) run of Peter and Mary’s inflation and spectacle is epic.
Unfortunately due to over-Weeklying, I had to drop last week’s U.S Olympic Synchronized Nodding Team and Grecian Greta from the mix, but they didn’t stand a a chance against this competition anyway.
So I’m back, baby. But I need your help.
Which of these four couplings deserves the win/loss and our collective mock?
This site is nothin’ without you, so vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Carnival Barker
In honor of this unholy asswipe remaining on my teevee, I thought I’d repost this Reader Mail question, in its entirety, from it’s original appearance on November 24th, 2009:
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Hey db1,
This morning, while pondering the vainglorious pomposity and uber-sonic deuchebaggery that is Donald Trump, I began to wonder: is he not a HCwDB Founding Father?
The pursed lips, the horrific orange comb-over, the trashy-riche persona, and the hots who adore him….
where would deuchebagging be today if it weren’t for Donald Trump? Years, perhaps decades behind the scrotal curve.
Perhaps a new hall, the “DB Founding Fathers,” could restore balance to the universe.
– Scrotald McDoteald
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1980s Trump is definitely one of the Choadal Founding Fathers of the modern ‘bag plague. His garish excesses and narcissistic self-absorption led to the modern club going puds we see attempting to “live large” today.
Trump is a founder of the religion of consumptive narcissism. His soul is as hollow as his hotels are empty. Sure we can make fun of the hair. But even hairless, Trump combs over his psyche to hide the crisis of empathetic absence that rots underneath.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011HCwDB of the Month: The Tardopoulous Brothers and Stephanie McGee
In a “Battle of the Bros” ™ between the Tards and Ms. McGee, and the powerful stench of The Poos Brothers and Terézia, it was the toxic stench of fratbroery and boobies that, in the pooper, won out.
The voters speak:
Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: My vote goes for Stephanie and whoever is with Stephanie. Mmmmm, boobs…
Bigphatnotadouche: Stephanie’s boobies makes me think of all the ways I would like to soil those fun bags. The douches make me think how to soil myself after a weekend of tequilla and burritos.
collossus of choads: Tardopolous brothers. Fuzzy-tongued douchebags if ever I’ve seen ‘em.
DouchYouWannaDance: You’ve gotta admire anyone who can pull of camouflage and a tiara in the same outfit and still look good. Steph FTW.
dbBen: The Tardopoulous Brothers. The punchworthy factor is so strong with them that the emotion completely overwhelmed me and broke me. Now I’m just a little depressed zoloft lump and didn’t even hit the screen.
Freddy: Tardopolous, though Stephanie may not have “it,” the Tardopolous have it in spades. And by spades, I mean I want to hit them with a spade.
Vin Douchal: She’s Auto-Bleeth just being in the room with the schmegtacular Tardopoulousesesses much less posing happily with her dreamboats. Steph and Bro’s for the month and a good paddeling.
Choad the Douche Sproket: Stephanie and the Tardopolous Bros. FTW…after which the dudes need to be euthanize d… or be condemned to share the rest of their lives in a small dingy cell, applying lotion to Dieter’s ever-more-crusty epidermis whilst he softly sings Edelweiss to them and dreams of Der Fuhrer.
Deltus: The Tardopoulous Bros and Stephanie’s glorious funbag motorboat flesh ride bouncy bouncy heaving jiggling swollen member inducing love mounds of awesome FTW.
Mr. Scrotato Head: Stephanie. I will rub my head against your taught melons, until the squeaking noises make you giggle and krinkle your nose, and the static causes my pubic hairs to stand on end. Yours would stand on end too, if you had any.
Luis Douchuel: I want to give my vote to the one who needs it the most. That one is Stephanie, since her her bust and IQ are roughly the same, she doesn’t have a whole lot else going for her. Except looking adorable in a tiara.
ehcuodouche: The Tards get the edge based on douchal signifiers. They also are more punchworthy and inciting of violence to otherwise harmless forest creatures. And boobies.
Well said, ehcuodouche, but the Poos Brothers were on a mission from God, as is Terézia’s creepy high bellybutton and sexy pooch belly.
Fatness: Terézia’s natural curves and nice smile make the two chunderheads next to her that much more offensive. Hopefully they trundled off to play sword swallower shortly after this photo was snapped.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: the power of Christ compels her to immolate the turd monkey next to her and the soon to be ass hat behind her. Jackals and baghunters and ‘huntresses rejoice at her site for for she is the offal maker that cleanses the palate AND the eyes.
DarkSock: The Brothers Poo and Terézia are higher on my list than her navel is on her torso. Her belly button is so high when she got it pierced her insurance paid for it as a tracheotomy. The PooBros are a stereophonic fecal Bronado.
Sir David Douchenborough: The Poo Brothers and Térezia because Opus Dei would have a freakin’ field day and reenact The Inquisition if they found out their innocent soon-to-be-non-virgin members of the Church were about to descend into such scrotological sin.
Daggerbagger’: The Poo brothers, unlike Deiter and Zebra(who are freakish anomalies), are real-world scotums who pose a very real stench threat in your very neighbourhood. Yes, you’ve seen them ‘illin beachside mackin on hotts and crankin thumpin beats, and yes, it pissed you off. They need to be slapped on their smarmy faces by a large wet fish.
Nancy Dreusche: I’m gonna go with the Poos Bros and Teréhighbellybuttona. She looks like the sweetest of the hotts and the least deserving of the douchbag double team.
Coming in third and fourth respectively, but each with mockers who mocked, Mister Zebracrotch and Karnie, and the eerie Dieter and Minnesota Marnie:
Douchey Lewis and the News: Minnesota Marnie and Dieter FTW. Orange skin, pink lips, duck face, dress shirtless vest, sculpted brows. Dieter is the Lucky Charms or douches. Packed full of your daily requirement of ass wankery.
El Bastardo Magnifico: Minnesota Marnie and Dieter just ever so slightly edge out Guy Fieri and that other chick. What the hell is Dieter? He looks like a Billy Idol head got stuck on a Stretch Armstrong and left in the microwave for twenty minutes.
Stephanie: It’s hard to believe this, but Dieter actually smells,the smells are coming out of my screen, it’s so bad. Or is that my husband silent farting again? I cannot believe Marnie rubs up against that stain!
Anonymous: Zebracrotch, yeah, well that hair and that stupid mankini, but at least he looks like he’s having fun.
pugsly: Hots be damned, Dieter is a stain, a greasy foul smudge in the alley of douche. D FTW.
Steve L: Tard & Steph are classic HCwDB. but Zebracrotch is evil. EVIL. like Dracula. therefore, i must vote for Zebracrotch.
Very true, and Imma put Dieter in the Closet of Poo for creeping me out with that weird kissy lips orangey tan thing.
But this was Tardopoulous week to ascend to the (un)holiest mountain of mock. And Stephanie McGee to boob a babooby.
Lets let Finbar J. Geherty take us home:
Our little hotessa McGee, with her curly locks, bodacious tatas, and sweet indifference to the foul stench of douchness that surrounds her, takes the prize.
Indeed she does, Finbar. Indeed she does. They are quality mock dialectics. And McGee is curvy confusion. We’ll see The Tard Bros and Stepahnie competing in the Yearly.
Excellent work to all for a well parsed debate and vote. And, now, the DB1 for Frosted Flakes.
Monday, April 18, 2011HCwDB of the Month
It’s a brand new week and your humble narrator is ready to rumble. So lets crank it up. Lets get things poppin’. Lets mock some choad and lust their hotts.
I need you. To bring it. Here’s your nominees:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Poos Brothers and Terézia
Classic Vegas schroad?
Perhaps.
But the Twinbaggery is stereo, and not just Stereodouchtonic.
The Poos Brothers are bringing the stupid face.
Terézia has brought the creepily yet sexily high belly button pooch belly into play.
Together they form the alchemy of a pure hottie/douchey mixture of frothy alpaca cud.
But enough to win the Monthly?
Lets see what else we have. Oh yeah, this one:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Minnesota Marnie and Dieter
Dieter is so wrong, a euphretes desert gecko named Ron just shed six layers of skin and coughed up a half digested cricket roach.
Which is pretty damn wrong.
If you think about it.
Minnesota Marnie isn’t impressed by Hyundais.
But she is impressed by tasty soda pop on television sets.
I have no idea what I’m saying. Lets move on:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Mister Zebracrotch and Karnie
Oldsack.
Hangs like lumpy oatmeal in the breeze.
Marnie wants money.
That wasn’t a haiku. It was simple truth, W.H. Auden style.
Because when people mess with me, like Zebracrotch embracing quality lady kind, then I bust the ole’ English poet inspired quality smackdown free verse.
Like 8 Mile.
Only with more Longfellow.
Speaking of Longfellow, where’s Bubbles? Maybe she can help me straighten it out.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Tardopoulous Brothers and Stephanie McGee
The second of our two Tag Team Douchers in the Monthly Finals, the Tardopoulous Brothers are East Coast “Brah!” pudwankery.
In fact, Vegas oddsmakers figure they might split “bros” the vote, letting one of the other nominees slip in for the win.
Are the oddsmakers correct?
Or can the tonguey punchworthiness of the Tardopolous and the tasty boobie bouncy of Stephanie McGee triumph (lose)?
That’s where I need you to come in.
Only one of these four can make the Yearly.
And it must be the best, choadiest slice of wrongness of the four.
Which rises to the top (bottom) of the pile?
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011HCwDB of the Month: The Smarm Candy and Patty
It was a solid victory for classic HCwDB mugging, as the Smarm Candy’s stupid faux and fondle of the tasty sweet Patty proved too strong a dialectic for the others to overcome.
The voters speak:
Deltus: Gotta go with my gut on this one. And the coupling that makes me the sickest is Smarm Candy and Patty. He is greasy stupid overconfident assmunch smackface choad. She is sweet and hott sauce lovely smile banging bodied slurp gnaw. No other entry makes me want to club baby harp seals to death with the willed-into-corporeality that is my disgust at their pairing.
Greg: He’s the douchiest looking backpack I’ve ever seen and she’s like sunshine on a sunshiney day.
Douchey Lewis and the News: Smarm Candy and Patty FTW. He’s objectionable to all the senses.
Mr. Biggs: The mugging, the sneer, the metaphysical grease, the innocent bouncy giggle smile. It’s all there, in a composition Picasso would envy.
DoucheyWallnuts: Patty’s delectably delicious and suckleable inner thigh is just a boner bonus.
Scooby Douche: Sexy little tight dress, nice legs, she is what we fight to preserve. To hell with the environment, why is there no federal Patty Protection Agency issuing injunctions to keep Smarm’s greasy hands off her?
MoeDouche: Smarm Candy and Patty. She is succulent barely-legal hottie and he is a douche of gargantuan proportions.
Eliza Douchecoo: Going with the Smarmer here, he is most definitely the most punch to the face worthy out of all these guys. Although the legs in the greasepitz are calling to me, I must say no and vote with my fist and the Smarmster is worthy of meeting it.
Troy Tempest: smarm candy and patty ftw. Why? Because he is so douchie that when he walks down the sidewalk earthworms erupt from the neighbouring lawns begging birds to feast on them, for they know the douchepocalypse is nigh.
tall guy: he win must go to the infiltrating near miss of Smarm Candy and Patty. His watch alone gets him over the line. Add the sunnies indoors and the everpresent Billy Idol sneer and we’re home’n’hosed (hosed with bleach that is).
Smarm Candy & Patty FTW.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: She smells like lavender-scented kitten burps. He reminds you of that time when you puked up what was left of that expired carton of milk that you used to wash down that Wendy’s chili that had been in the fridge for over a week but hey you were starving into the dumpster behind the abortion clinic.
Wheezer: Patty’s curves are so sleek, and her positioning speaks volumes. She’s holding tightly to her purse, knowing hipsterbag wannabe Smarm Candy wants to know “How much cash you got?” She caught him peeking in there last night.
Mr. Scrotato Head: When Smarm Candy gets home he flops on the couch, fires up the X-box, and tells his buds how he f*cked the shit out of girlfriend. Nobody wins, but Smarm gets the nod and a shovel to the face.
The Minister Scott Stapp: Patty. For she is as pure as the driven snow on a crisp winter solstice day with 3 year olds making snow angels in it while sipping on minty candies and giggling. He is the black turd that shows up when it melts. And matronly arms. Son.
Well said Minister. Sadly even Champagne Katie’s tasty delusional lawsuit gnaw couldn’t carry the mediocre douchery of Billy Dee Villhelm to victory, as they come in second, with The Greasepitz and Toxic Terry and Angelica rounding out the voting:
soy bomb: Billy Dee Willhelm and Champagne Katie For the Win. Billy Dee has several adouchements going for him, but certainly what will push him over the ledge, screaming, is his bizzaro see-through silky shirt. Seriously, look at that thing. As for Champagne Katie, her poorly written litigious threat may have lost her some votes, but came off as charming and endearing in mine eye(s). I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not paying her to think. Or speak. Or write or anything like that. Just to knock boots.
The Dude: Greasepitz. Does that oil bead up when they get sweaty Urp, I just threw up on my screen a little.
Dex: Angelica. I don’t know which I want to be more. The breeze that whips past your legs to lift your dress and give the world the briefest glimpse of the un-bleethed promised land beneath, or your hair, cascading down your supple bosom like an amber waterfall of EverythingIWantInLife.
dbBen: Toxic Terry and Angelica. For she makes me think of Kelly Brook, which warms the very cockles of my heart. He makes me think of the floor of a bad Las Vegas tattoo parlor, which makes me want to do a tough actin tinactin dance (John Madden sounds friendly).
Magnum Douche P.I: Champagne Katie, even with her intellectual shortcomings, is the hottest of hot. The wallet chain and waxed chest accent by red bead necklace sealed it for me. The clubbaggery of Billy Dee Willhelm for the win (loss).
smackdouche: As proof that I am not homophobic, my vote goes to the greasepitz.
banana hammock: Toxic Terry & sweet Angelica FTW! He is just so sad Douchy, and she is so magically delicious.
Chris in ‘Baghdad: my decision goes to Champagne Katie (from the sounds of her I’d say the champagne you buy at Wal-Mart) and Billy Dee Willhelm. The oily appeal of Billy Dee, coupled with the semi-literate, prosecutorial minded Katie, brings all the shock and awe, one assumes, of one of Stackhouse’s who-bag jump-offs.
Blair: My God, the paradox of the hottie/douche is nowhere more apparent than with Angelica and Toxic Terry. I rage against the dawning Douchepocalypse that would allow that picture to happen.
All well argued, but lets turn it over to BustADouche for the final word:
Patty. Definitely smokin’ hott but there is an underlying wholesomeness there that takes the cake. Her douchebag has more than the minimum number of douche requirements to take the top prize. Here’s hoping to more pics of Patty in the future.
And the always esoteric Motorcycle Accessories has one more salient point to add:
No other entry makes me need to club child harp seals to death with the willed-into-corporeality that is my disgust at their pairing.
That comment was so good, M.A. I want to purchase the products in your linked name. For my motorcycle.
As to Patty, mmm, she is tasty indeed. And Smarm is classic pud. So chalk up The Smarm Candy and Patty for the Yearly, although Vegas odds aren’t giving him much of a shot there. Can his toxicity build over time? Will Patty ever make up with her besties, Charley and Boo? Inquiring minds want to know.
Monday, March 14, 2011HCwDB of the Month
Four finalists enter. Only one couple may be mocked supreme like a royale with cheese.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Stephanie and Suzanne meet The Greasepitz
Orange.
We see it on Celebuholes like The Apprentice Guy.
We see it on politiholes like John Boener.
Wherever we find it, it must be mocked.
And while the Greasepitz may be “Paid to Orange” male strippers, as Kylie discovered, but their probaggery does not excuse their douchewankery.
But are they enough to take the prize? Does their uberdouche in presence of the innocent lady hotts raise the cackles of a societal plague enough to win? We have three more to go:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #: Billy Dee Willhelm and Champagne Katie
The tasty compact drinkable hottness of Champagne Katie set off what the kids call a “kerfuffle” on the site a few weeks back, when Katie threatened legal action against HCwDB.
Thankfully, reader Oliver Wendell Douche, a real lawyer in Austin, Texas, agreed to take up our cause.
That legal threat prompted a number of ‘bag hunters to track down Champagne Katie on Facebook and flirt with her.
But that is all backstory. Addendum. We must judge only by what we see: the visual power of Billly Dee Willhelm’s greasy “smoove” ways, and Katie’s uberpoppin bazoombas.
Can they win the Monthly? That, we shall see.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Toxic Terry and Angelica
Toxic Terry brings back the Rockerbag sub-genus of the choadal family.
His is a face that is punchworthy poowhackery.
The fact he may or may not be a z-list one hit wonder “celebrity” in our age where anyone who ever did anything, or even thought about doing anything, is some Warholian slice off the fame machine.
No dice, Rockerscrape.
You are turdalicious.
And tasty Angelica offers a nice and reassuring slice of mama boobie pie. For hers is the understated pooch slap thigh lickle. Hers are the curves that age well, into the 40s with firmness and taut bounce. Like a racehorse. A shtuppable racehorse.
That’s been peed in.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Smarm Candy and Patty
Smarm Candy harkons back to the halcyon days of mock on the site, 2008-ish, when puds like this were still haunting the collective zeitgeist like a puddly ass pimple of pre-squirable cultural goo shmeg.
But here’s the rub.
All our mock, in both televisual realm and here, and this pud is still rubbing up on Patty and then telling her to go buy him a Jager at the bar so he can talk to his bros.
So for that, he is crapustule.
But they are only #4 of four.
Which of these four rises to the top (bottom) enough to call themselves HCwDB of the Month and earn a slot at the 2011 Douchie Awards?
I put it to you, Greg.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011HCwDB of the Month: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea
Taking down even the mighty douchal power of Carla and the Bros ™, not to mention the Vegas Staypuft Pantywankers and creepy theatricality of Ronnie the Rivethead and perfect sucklability of Woo Girl Kelly, this was a Gynochinslide.
Witness the supplimentary academic texts in support of the thesis:
Gynochin and Rhea and Gynopenis Nose.
The voters speak:
Dude McCrudeshoes: Gynochin must be recognized for his impressive body of work. And Rhea must be recognized for her impressive body.
UFO Destroyers: He makes watches stop when he plays in traffic and she makes angels sing when in her presence.
Wedgie: The Chin for the win. Wolverine’s retarded cousin cannot be ignored.
Antony Scrotus: Gynochin and Rhea FTW. Gyno looks like such a big toolbag. I laughed when I saw him. Rhea is fine beauty. The other trash girls don’t even come close.
The great Bagdini: Gynochin for the win, he personifies the ‘bag without being over the top. And by top i mean ridiculous hair and penis glasses.
Troy Tempest: Gynochin. Because just looking at him puts my brain in stirrups and a speculum in each of my eyes.
shish kebag: I would have raging squirrels run through my pants for hours just to get the chance to massage her body for days, then for her to tell me she prefers my brother!!!
Dude McCrudeshoes: Rhea wants your vote! She also wants to know who snuck all the W’s into her bag of M&M’s.
smackdouche: The others are trying, but it comes naturally for Gyno/Rhea. See what I did there? Gyno/Rhea?
Hermit: According to the ancient Biblical text: “Sampson slew a thousand men with the jaw bone of an ass.” Recently uncovered scrolls, along with the above photographic evidence suggest that Gynochin was the ass who lost his jawbone.
Douchelips: Gynochin and Brunette Rhea FTW! He’s the most original by far. Plus he looks like he spends his life looking down a hairdryer.
Guns-N-Douches: Gynochin brings the chin pubes, the hair, the expression, the sunglasses at night and wears a penis on his nose, so he is douche… but what helps him get to the top of Mount Choadwank is Rhea. Rhea is all that is good in this world, like puppies, rainbows and open bar at a wedding where all the bridesmaids are hot, single and in need for some serious deep dicking.
the douche whisperer: @rhea: why?
soy bomb: I wonder if there’s some physical deformity that Gynochin suffers from that makes it look like he’s gargling ballsac.
Stephanie: I’m developing some severe hate for gynochin. But it’s like a car accident you must look at when you pass by it.
teh_abominable_snowdouche: Excellent spread. But as I scrolled down and saw Gynochin, something inside me faded. Like that fuzzy thing right behind your penis. *sigh* Gynochin FTL.
Douchesquire: Heatmiser Gynochin and Rhea for the win. He fuels the ire as I would stoke a coal furnace to warm the cockels of her heart. And by heart I mean Boobies.
Southern Scrotic: Gonna have to go with the superhott Ubergnaw and Ditchwater Gynochin FTW.
jonezy: Gynochin’s hotts are certainly lust-worthy and very expensive and I think we all hope his “career” as Guy Pearce’s stand-in will lead to many more fruitful nights explaining to his dates exactly what a stand-in does before more intricately explaining why said “career” doesn’t enable him to pay for her portion of the expensive meal they just consumed.
Mr. White: The Rivethead is compelling, but not as compelling as Rhea and her hypno-eyes/hypno-boobs. She’s like a hott version of The Hypnotoad. All hail Hypnotoad!
Well said Mr. Wh… all hail Hypnotoad! (ahem) But the others found their support, with Carla and the Bros ™ coming in second, Ronnie and Kelly third and the Staypuft turds a lonely and distant fourth:
Luis Douchuel: In the end, I have to go with Carla and The Bros, because despite Carla’s blandness, and despite The Bros’ gaybaggery and probaggery tendencies, they have demonstrated true douchiness, that is, douchiness of the mind and of the written word. And isn’t that the root cause of all douche?
I R A Darth Aggie: Carla and The Brows™ FTW. Mostly to piss off Sabio the Sabot, and there are hotter Hotts (like Brunette Rhea and Woo Girl Kelly).
dbBen: “The Bros”. Because they have broken the fourth wall.
MoeDouche: Carla and the Bros FTW. Just to goad them on to come back and make asses of themselves again.
FoghornLeghorn: I’m voting for Carla and the Bros. Sure Gynochin is a fantastic douche and Rhea is… well, Rhea, but the sheer number douches in the Bros out weigh them both. If Carla had somebody look into straightening her cervical vertebrae, I think she could even challenge Rhea.
Choad The Douche Sprocket: Ronnie the Rivethead is all I love about HCwDB… by which I mean I love to look at super hot, perky (Debby Reynolds-in-her-heyday) hotts being humped from behind by barely pubescent pudwacks who keep their underwear on during their aforementioned anal adventures.)
The Reverend Chad Kroeger: It’s gotta be Ronnie. He’s really taken a shot at it. And by shot I mean like the hillbillies shooting at Bugs.
Ronnie’s headwounds and the others all had their shot, but this was the real world hottie/douchey dialectic in full force that trumped performative “pro” ‘baggery and brought back real world punch-face in presence of a hott that we would, as Medusa Oblongata puts it: lick melted butter from between Rhea’s toes.
Their win is impressive. Most impressive. But they are not HCwDB of the Year winners yet.
Chalk up our first coupling to make it to the Yearly. And the DB1 for sugar enhanced Chex.
