Holiday
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Thursday, October 31, 2013
Happy Halloween!!
Boo!!
I refer, of course, to
< ——
An atrocity wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by a toxic coating of grease, slime, and inflated skin cells.
Your humb narrs is drunk on rice mead and my daughter is a strawberry.
Happy Halloween!!
Monday, September 2, 2013Kettlehead Says Happy Labor Day!
HCwDB semi-legend Kettlehead has ditched the Kettle atopst his head to simply become… Head.
However, the douchal ‘brow remains in full effect.
As is the power to attract slutty bar hotts named Kelly.
Happy Labor Day to all long time ‘bag hunters! Your humb narrs just celebrated the one-month anniversary of this strange creature who has entered my home and demanded care. Sleep is not to be had.
So priorities have shifted around here.
But douchebags still annoy. Like this unworldly gang of barely pubescent pudwacks.
And with my unwittingly Bleethy protege, Snooki, now firmly ensconced in popular culture on the upcoming Dancing with the Stars, my penance is not yet done.
EDIT: More classic Kettlehead HCwDB here, here, here, and here.
Thursday, July 4, 2013Happy July 4th!!
From all of us here at HCwDB.
And by all of us, I mean me, an Adderalled DarkSock, and your Saturday Wallnuts After Dark.
And greasy hair Sleve Tatt Steve and the Milfy Hott Fantasy you had about your best friend’s mom in sixth grade.
Monday, May 27, 2013Happy and Pensive Memorial Day…
Today is Memorial Day. And so we honor the fallen. As Charles Blow reminds us, Memorial Day was created by freed slaves in honor of those who died fighting for the Union.
Let us take a moment and remember those who fell in all wars. But especially those idiotic and unnecessary wars. Which are most of them. Honor their memory today as I will. By mocking the shit out of anyone who argues to start even more wars so they can feel better about their small peepee or lack of sex life in high school.
Enough. No more sending young kids to die so old people can avoid the existential crisis of their own mortality. No more fake old men waving a flag.
War is tragedy as performance art. Entertainment for the lizard brain. Gothic horror performed solely to create emotive catharsis in the masses that gather to witness the spectacle to purge their own demons, rage, and hatred. From Roman gladiators to the MMA, the need to witness the blood purge is primal, impossibly strong, and hardwired into our animal DNA. But it is also that most primitive and vile tie to the tribal affiliations of our primate history. Enlightenment comes not by indulging these basest of instincts, but by acknowledging them and rejecting them. Douchebags preen as muscled up and oiled simian primitives to attract a mate for the same reason old people cheer on the young as they march into slaughter under cover of a flag. For both, the need for the spectacle of the impossibility of youth on display is the same. But war is the distillation of how this paradox ends only in tragedy, destruction, and waste. It is only in purging this desire through recognition, awareness, and maturation that true catharsis awaits. Recent American history is shameful. We can, and must, do better.
Monday, March 25, 2013Happy Passover!!
HC1 and I will be celebrating our ancestral tradition by asking the four questions. I might even sing her a song.
To my fellow Hebraics, enjoy your seder, and may all your jelly rings be chocolate. To the Christians among us who ask “what is Passover?” it’s like Easter. Only with less Jesus and more guilt.
Monday, December 31, 2012Oogieloves New Years!!
Everyone dance along with Cary Elwes as his career hits its absolute nadir!!
Merry New Years!!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012Merry Christmas!
I may not be a Christian, but some of my best friends and at least 40% of my ex-girlfriends are. So let me wish all of you who celebrate Christmas a very Merry Christmas!
May your stockings be full of pear, and may douchebags be roasting on an open fire.
I will be enjoying a tasty meal of Chinese food and dip dangerously into my stash of tasty Hostess HoHos.
Thursday, November 22, 2012Happy Turkey!
May all your cobblers be juicy! And your stuffing devoid of STDs.
And by STDs, I mean special tasty desserts…
Wednesday, September 26, 2012Atoning for Alpacas
Your humb narras will be spending the day atoning for a whole host of personal deconstructions, not the least of which involves my unhealthy obsession with sexy, sexy alpacas.
I imagine them in the sweetest of knee socks and skirts.
Making sexy falsetto mews and brays.
And I am shamed in the eyes of Adonai.
An even greater sin because the great Hebraic prophet, Moab, explicitly condemns alpaca fetishization in “Psalm Like it Hot.”
And then there’s my unhealthy obsession with treyf Pear. Perhaps more understandable, since Maimonides himself was a huge Pear fanatic.
But still.
All will resume tomorrow.
Shofar so good.
I blame that last pun on your moms.
Monday, September 3, 2012Happy Labor Day!
Vacationing King Douchuous the IV and Hottie Whose Name He Forgot After The Last Round of Mai Tais want to wish you all a happy Labor Day.
The King, and all his douchebag ilk, never worked a day in their lives. Too much time and money for the children of privilege define the douchebag class. Which reminds me that Labor Day is also an important function in fighting the douchebag plague. Entitled inheritors with attitude, who have no clue of the battles that came before.
Let us all take a moment and honor the working class, and all they represent to this world. For the workers of the world, who deserve respect and not the contempt that some of our leaders spit out, I offer a symbol of my gratitude:
No labor needed.
