The Philosophy of Max Smell
Lets face it. When it comes to the Philosophy of Max Smell, there are some things in life that just can’t be taught.
Like how you know that parking spot is coming if you just turn left on Doheney.
Or that no matter whether the Tuscans defeat the Spartans in the battle of the Fjords, or the Spartans defeat the Tuscans, Max Smell will still giggle at boobies.
Pistachio Pavel Ignores Stephanie
Stephanie is all that is tiny nosed about nordic hinterland hottness. She has read a book by Steig Larson. And her hobbies include knitting tiny muffs for cold cats, half-drinking expensive lattes then throwing them away because Oprah is on, and a massive daddy complex.
Pistachio Pete is orange, greasy and burnt.
I need a drink. And it’s only 11am.
But a priest once told me on a golf course after missing the eighteenth hole in a lightning storm that there is no God. So heck with it. Lets drink.
Got Jayson?
For Kelly, the pickings are slim in Scottsdale.
But that’s still no excuse.
HCwDB After Dark
The comments threads are light today, and that makes your humble narrator sad and lonely.
So I sit on my stained rug on my floor.
And I scratch.
And I crack a bottle of ‘Dog.
And I step out onto the veranda to slap one of the wild pelicans attempting to steal a fig newton left over from last night’s festivities. Stupid wild pelican. Fig Newtons are people food.
Maximilian Smell
Maximilian Smell knows what brunette giggle hotties like Kaylie and Heather love.
And what Kaylie and Heather love is the smell of sweat, Old Spice and Bud Light Lime.
‘Baggy Pants: A Scientific Explanation
We interrupt your regularly scheduled HCwDB mocking/oggling with an important scientific update.
‘Baggy Pants douchewalk can now be explained.
Either click on the pic, or click here for a diagramic explanation.
Jigsaw Steve Voted
Still reeling from not making the HCwDB of the Week simply on the power of hottie nuzzle and douchey arm tatt, Jigsaw Steve is still being a good sport, dropping by and voting.
And by voting, I mean making Sophie’s dad cry into his gin martini for the inescapable realization of his many failures in his role as a father.
HCwDB of the Week
It’s a Fungtastic Weekly, three selections of facial crud cohabiting with hottie suckle thigh for your perusal. Which will win/lose? Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Crustie Brothers and Karen and Sue
From Tuesday’s “Ask DB1” on suburban divorcees dating aging suburban douchepuds, The Crustie Brothers are all that is middle management in Decatur.
With choady greasebags and tasty Asian/Indian world cuisine suckle thigh, this is one of those HCwDB pics which offers ethereal dialectic and the wafting smell of poopie diaper.
But rarely do pics that split the bags/hotts into more than a simple binary take the prize.
Can the Crustie Bros bring oldbag game to the victory?
Can Karen and Sue successfully ignore my staring at them stalkeringly at the D.M.V. while waiting to register their Audi?
Only time will tell.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Skulltatt Sammy and Party Girl Ashley
Perhaps this vegas HCwDB pairing should’ve gotten a more unique entry last week (as well as vaccinations), as they appeared in the Friday Thoughts and Links post.
But Skulltatt Sammy is all that is classic Vegas douchecrud, and Party Girl Ashley is wearing a silk lingerie getup. At the pool. Upon which spittle and drool are attracted like romanian tractor beam.
For that, the hottie/douchey cohabit is too toxic to ignore.
Truthfully, this is one of those pics that made it more on the strength of the hott than anything else. Ashley has the supple-firm skin of a newborn doe. A doe with humpty hump.
Does Sammy have enough to carry the ‘bag side of the equation to victory/loss in the Weekly?
Do not ignore the skull stupidtatt and designer black cap. But no hat tilt? Can Sammy’s “douche aura” prove enough?
But there’s one more finalist to consider:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Itchigan and Bouncy Diana
The Itchigan ‘Bag, or “Itchigan’s Island,” if you will, was another entry that didn’t receive his moniker upon first appearing on HCwDB, appearing in the Ask DB1 on Relationship ‘Bags.
Itchigan is classic Boatbaggery, and Diana is all that is giggly about not finishing a G.E.D. but not caring because, hey, boobs uber alles.
Together, they make a quality hottie/douchey boat poison that deserves anger from all who witness.
But enough to knock off Oldbaggery and Vegas crud?
Triple-F just couldn’t make the cut, as Alison’s not really bringing A-List Hott game. But those chin fungal stripes and silly sunglasses are just too douchey to ignore and we may see a 2010 Douchie Award in his future.
(Dis)honorable mention to Snidely Liprash, Fung Diddy, Jigsaw Steve, and the continuing genius of Kettlehead and Company, whose latest entry most definitely will find favor when culling down my gallery show at the Guggenheim in 2023.
Which of these three couplings has the greatest meaning of hottie/douchey societal disgrace?
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
England Mock the Hipsterbag
“We all play synth” for the glorious win.
Your Saturday Triplefung
With all the troubles in this world, sometimes you just gotta say, “what the heck?” And go a full triple chinpube.
