Blue Man Grope
Here’s an image from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival’s production of Shakespeare’s “As You Like It,” done entirely in mime, with a score by Philip Glass and Jay-Z.
Ask DB1: Is Andrew’s Bro a ‘Bag?
———
Dear Bag1,
I am conflicted with a predicament for quite some time.
I have reason to believe that my older brother has been infected with the virus of douche. My conversations with him never venture beyond such intellectual topics such as “that hot chick I banged last night” or “the orgy I had with my boys.” (Apparently in Canada, the word, “boys” replaces “bros.”)
Despite my suspicions, some people in my family have told me that he’s not a douche, that I haven’t given him a chance yet.
Others know there is something wrong with him, but didn’t have the appropriate term to describe his condition. Well, I lived under the same roof with him for the first 18 years of my life, so I’m fairly convinced of his douchiness.
I would like to settle this once and for all: Is my bro a douche?
Sincerely,
Andrew
—————
Solid stage-3 Suburban Wigga Choad, Andrew. Fumigate his room then mock him from a safe distance.
Doucheoke Night at The Dunder-Mifflin Office Party
They may be pretty quiet during work hours, but Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice sure can cut loose to some “Abba” when the moment calls for it.
Yeah. I got nothin.
Your humble narrator is way hung over after too much Sangria and Absynthe last night after open mike night down at the Ha Ha Hole on Pico.
Stumbling around my living room trying to find my other Pac-Man sock. It may be behind the plant.
Blu Ray
Blu Ray knows what the ladies want.
And what the ladies want is a Smirnoff Ice.
And years of emotional dysfunction due to low self esteem fostered in childhood.
Neil Hardy
Neil Hardy, distant second cousin twice removed of Ed, throws the phattest house parties in all of Des Moines, yo.
Oh Marsha. How can you let Neil fondle your primeness in such a sketch kitchen? It’s enough to make me slap a mongoose and juggle hamsters.
And no, those are not euphemisms for self love. I just like to abuse woodland creatures.
The Club Moes Voted
The Club Moes took time out of spending their parents money on overpriced club validation meant to cover the drifting aimlessness of their early 20s to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Week
Booya. Bring it. You know what to do.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Jungle McDonald and the Britney Sisters
Not since the human race’s ancient tribal practice of selling young fertile females into slavehood has so befuddled a clown come into accidental contact with two prime hottness of viable wombs and sucklable legs.
Jungle McDonald brings Conan O’Brianesque Late Night Oldbaggery to the mix. Haven’t seen that in awhile.
With shaved chest except for crotch pube ant trail, it’s all sorts of small town creepyness.
And the Britney Sisters. Laura and Michelle Britney. So sweet. So perky. So desiring lecherous fondles during “Eat Pray Love.” Which you saw with them. Because you thought you had a chance. But you don’t.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie
Tendon Ted is one of those rare ‘bags whose annoyance factor is almost entirely abstract.
Sure, his sleve tatts are douchey and his face a douche-face. But hand gestures, bling and other adoucherements are lacking.
Yet something about his stoic aura and eye scalding bulging ab-veins suggest a primal societal violation that deserves a superior level of mock as a response.
Ass Pear Annie is all that is positively raunchy about Vegas, and as such, she is to be applauded for display.
Together, they form Vegas Crud. Pure exhibition without joy. Sexual display without any eroticism. Just naked flesh. As such, they are to be mocked and derided for spectacle gone wrong.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Brad Pudt and Eliza
Brad Pudt deserves consideration in the Weekly for bringing a rarely seen douchetribute: The Southern ‘Bag.
All sorts of hickdouche wrongness. Like a Skynyrd techno remix, it blends the worst of garish American culture in one fu-manchu of disgrace.
Or, in the immortal words of Peter Gibbon’s next door neighbor, Lawrence, two chicks at the same time, man. Hey Peter, turn on channel nine!
Eliza received crap for her bushy eyebrows in the comments thread, and I agree they’re a problem. Nonetheless, while poor grooming is a negative, if that stopped the human reproductive drive, we’d be fossils of the Paleolithic Era. Buy her some tweezers and she’s a legit hottie.
I eliminated The Sneery Bros for Bleethy hott, Hipsterwank Henry for just being depressing, The Hippiebag for being kinda fun, albeit with gorgeous brunette, Battle Beyond the Tards, who should get their own 2010 Douchie Award, and Vest Guy Eats a Bagel Bit, who probably should’ve been included over Brad Pudt. And Helmut Von Baggus was just too damn weird.
So them’s your three.
Which coupling deserves to be called HCwDB of the Week and get a slot at the next Monthly? I need your help.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Douchebags Discover iMovie, Make a Video
The legendary director Francis Ford Coppola once famously and utopically predicted the following:
“Suddenly one day some little fat girl in Ohio is going to be the new Mozart… and make a beautiful film with her father’s little camera-corder, and for once this whole professionalism about movies will be destroyed forever and it will become an art form.”
– Francis Ford Coppola
Coppola’s dream was that with the lowering of the many barriers to entry for film making (high costs, film stock), new talent would emerge in unexpected places, creating a meritocracy of art, instead of a hierarchy.
Today, we have YouTube. And douchebags.
And that little fat girl just hung herself.
Helmut Von Baggus
When foreign exchange grad student Helmut Von Baggus asked Irene if he could “show her ‘mit racing stripes?'” Irene assumed he’d meant on his car.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humble narrator stares pensively at the summer Los Angeles heatwave. And sips his Night Train in quiet repose.
The days of $2,000 bottles of Grey Goose and “pimpin'” by everyone from Wall Street asswipes to suburban parking lot frolic choads may have transmutated into comedic or ironic douchery. But the virus remains just strong.
With the success of The Jersey Shore’s archetypes breaking through into the mainstream, the power of the mock has been altered. Like Skynet before it, The Douche has become self-aware.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Shut yer stinkin’ trap!
HCwDB ripoff site “The Dirty” and uberdouche Nik Richie got whacked with an 11 million dollar injunction for smearing people rather than being funny. Massive props to Barstool Sports for summing it up as best as it can be summed.
Speaking of The Dirty, republican congressional nominee and all around entitled fratdouche, Ben Quayle, contributed to The Dirty for years as “Brock Landers,” still wins his primary. Stay classy, Arizona.
Perverted cat appreciates ass pear.
French Canadian rapper Pellep Pellep Pellep is the latest to “borrow” heavily from HCwDB’s picture database to make a douchebag tribute video. Is this crap mocking ‘bags? Supporting ‘bags? Who cares. Make that horrible shite stop.
Don’t get the Shut Yer Stinkin’ Trap reference? Check out episode 1 of Skank. Because something on Fox smells funny.
Booty Clappin’. Ghetto Preacher does not approve.
Hardpocalypse 2010: Ed Hardy Baby Skeleton Pirate Hat. The kids aren’t all right.
Twitter sensation and underage female model Justin Bieber has a dad who’s a Stage douche.
Panda Dogs. Oh so cruel, yet oh so hilarious.
Rocky III may be one of the great literary masterpieces of the 1980s, but Rocky Bagboa is a saggyscrote.
And finally, here’s your reward:
Use it well. Use it wisely. For the weekend is upon. And cherries are in season.
