The Portrait of Dorian’s Gay
While I consider this image one of my lesser works of HCwDB artistic reclamation of the image in the age of the simulacrum, part of my “Post Lysol” period (and not likely to be submitted as part of my Guggenheim show in 2023), I do believe it deserved a name.
The Double Gargle
It’s a rare moment of alchemy on the site when the hottie/douchey dialectics actually reach a state of pure douche equilibrium.
With Ennis and Kelly, we find just such a state of double stage-4 taint gargle.
Unredeemable. No hope.
Pure, uncut, self contained poo.
Mr. Fromage and Kim Voted
Although furrious that they didn’t make the Weekly this week, Mr. Fromage and Kim decided to be good sports and stop by and vote in the HCwDB anyway.
It isn’t easy for them to find time to vote. Mr. Fromage lives a very hairried life.
Thank you.
I’ll be hair all week.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Week
Three punk-ass beyoches hitting on gropey hotts enter. Only one may win (lose) the HCwDB of the Week.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Sperm Edwards and Trish
Appearing in Friday’s Thoughts and Links, Sperm Edwards may have appeared on the site before, as those sperm tatts haunt me like an undercooked pork burrito.
But regardless, this preening doucheclown deserves additional mock possibilities in the Weekly. And so we mock his sorry ass.
Trish sings the praises of cleanly clean chewable clean.
I would lick uponst her doilies at her Grandma’s house while she was out cleaning up after her scotch terrier took a poo on the front lawn.
Her laughter is melodic and mellifluous.
His face is soporific and superfluous.
But are they enough to win the Weekly? And don’t forget, high school readers, the S.A.T. retests are this week.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Old Bernie Schwartz and Kendra
Our second Weekly Finalist to arrive later in the week on the site, Old Bernie appeared as our Saturday post.
It’s rare for a Saturday Oldbag to make the Weekly, but Bernie’s ridic tri-vag chin pubes and sad saggy attempt to cling to the youth market is just too annoying not to deserve collective ridicule.
And Kendra. Yea, oh how I fondle thee.
We’ve had many Kendras appear in douche pics here at HCwDB. But this Kendra is as ivory snow 99 44/100% clean as Trish above. I would wash both softly in an old oak bathroom, and my face would have a lilt of poetic sadness, as if we were in a Vermeer painting.
But oh, that .66/100% dirrty is too juicy not to impeach Kendra’s peaches for dereliction of boobie.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Jack Skullington and Kaylie
Sure Jack’s appeared in the site years ago. But I’m instituting a new rule. If a classic HCwDB douche shows up again hitting on a new hott, and enough time’s past, they’re like new. Re-bro-n, if you will.
Kaylie is naughtier than the other hot chicks in contention this week.
And that’s both a good and a bad thing, depending on how you want your vote to go.
Skullington is classic West Coast Inland Empire shoe scrape. And for that, he deserves mock.
But enough to win the Weekly?
(Dis)honorable mention to Mr. Fromage, who was a little too absurdist to nominate, Danny Who Got Away With It, Dorothy and Toto Poo, and The Minibra, who just wants some more tasty cola beverages, bro.
Now it’s your time.
Which of these three couples is so hottie/douchey in cohabit that we should note them as our Weekly winner?
I need your help. If you don’t wanna vote as an anon, create a profile on the site.
Then vote, as always, in the comments thread to this post.
Brow Down!
In honor of internet clown Nik Ritchie’s HCwDB wedding, lets all sing along to the Glendale Armenian douche anthem, “Brow Down!”
“Drakkor Cologne engraved in my chromosome, come to my shop I give you pager and a cell phone” for the epic lyric win.
Bernie Schwartz Refuses to Get Old
Bernie tried to impress Kendra by dropping references to all the shizz “Vampire Weekend” phat tunes on his ipod.
Kendra smiled and nodded politely.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Another excellent week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting, as we settle into the new site layout. Gold tatt stars to all.
Fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses, it is 2010. The mock is moving into global influence. Your important work is beginning to turn the tide.
If you haven’t already, you can create a profile on the site by signing up here.
Also, you can follow your humble narrator on Twitter. And join the Hot Chicks with Douchebags Facebook page, which I didn’t actually create and aren’t sure who’s running it, but hell, it seems like it’s one of the regs so I’m supporting it.
Me? I gots me a bottle of the quality Mogan David stuff. A DVD of vintage Peter Davison Doctor Who featuring Who’s hottest companion of all time, Nicola Bryant as Peri (mmmm… more Who era Nicola Bryant, and more)
The ‘bags are safely mocked into a state of collective emasculation. The hotts are objectified in reductive and Pavlovian ways. The chaos of life has been classified, quantified and processed nicely via the simulacrum for the week, giving us the illusion of order in a bleak and existential universe.
Here’s your links:
There are many types of douchebag. But there is only one iconic template for Jerzey Guid. (warning: HCwDB cannot be responsible for eye gouging after viewing that pic)
Hey Chive writers, I appreciate all the “inspiration” you keep drawing from my site, but could you at least toss a brotha a link when using my site’s name in your headline?
Friend of HCwDB, the sexy Suzie McCoppin is gettin’ her blog on by asking why DJs get so much ass?
HCwDB legend and Closet of Poo enshrinee, Cheeto Man finds Love with Celery Woman. (warning: Pic is worse than the Orange Jerz Guid, HCwDB takes no responsibility for viewing this pic)
In politics, Goldman Sachs to utilize ‘Douchebag Defense’.
Retro Hipsterbag Origins: Gary Gnu from “The Great Space Coaster”
Eagle-Eyed reader Alex tags a “Bags Jag.” Which is redundant.
When white boys douche it up to rap in their dorm rooms for the camera, we’ll be there. To laugh at his pasty ass.
Douche Glue. For when Crazy Glue doesn’t get the hair pointy enough.
Now that’s some effen vodka!
Okay, enough of the other links. I know what you want. And for all your hard work, you’ve earned not one, but two pears for this evening’s festivities.
First, I give you Step Pear. Whose perfect ratio of curve defines 3.1415.
And secondly, I give you the oily pat bottom perfection of:
Go forth, friends. Go forth and bongo.
The Diddler
Preparing to take on Flex Luthor for world domination, The Diddler practices his pickup game at the local Sheboygan summer concert, “Failapalooza.”
Featuring an amazing lineup including, the return of the Dokken tribute band, Rokken Dokken.
Rokken Dokken features the actual members of Dokken. But they found calling themselves a tribute band brought higher booking rates. Because promoters think the irony factor works.
Ineeda Punchinthefacekowitz
Last month we met Pleasy Punchmyfacekowitz.
Now meet his brother, Ineeda Punchinthefacekowitz.
Mr. Punchinthefacekowitz’s parents tweaked the family name after some confusion at Ellis Island in 1921. Back in Douchistan, the family name was originally “Isuckalpacanutsackowitz.” But the irate immigration officer ran out of patience with the spelling on “alpacanuts.” And the rest is history.
Brunette Scarlett on the left doesn’t mind playing the hotter wingman to her less successful at dating friend, Carmen. That’s what friends are for.
Well, that and bail money.
Friday Haiku
Dorothy lost in
Grease Forest of Choadkinland,
smells like Toto’s poo.
Hallo. My name is Vlad.
I see you notice my tusk.
I rip from wild boar.
— End the Haberdouchery
Tiger claw necklace?
Dorothy, take Dad home now.
Collar epic fail.
— Bag A
A used-up old jelly dong
worn down to a nub
hangs from the neck of a douche
— Hot Buttered Poopcorn
No innocence lost
When enveloped around douche
Shark died for his gut
— Fyodor Dostedouchesky
Hey, it’s the villian
from the Beat It video!
He likes young girls, too.
— Bagnonymous
Their reinactment
Of flick, ‘The Professional’
Fell short in wardrobe
— Ex-Douche Machina
Douchebag castrato
Wearing his severed member
Can hit that note now
— Vin Douchal
