Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: One Day We Will Be as Popular With the Girls and as Sexi as Him

hahahaha responds in the comments thread of last week’s KFC post:

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you fools… im deff in this picture and i can bet i make more money then you ever willll : ) , have a much more expensive car, and have a high education then you have achieved in life lol … kind of sad…..

one day you guys will be as popular with the girls and as sexi as us…. ONE DAY… so keep hiding behind the computer orrrr blast out a pix of you to shut us down so we can stop this nonsense lol but i doubt you will ; ) bu byeee

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Once I blasted out a pix to shut us down, but Amoxocillin cleared it right up.

DJ Bello Voted in the HCwDB of the Week

DJ Bello took time off from frolicking in parking lots outside suburban McDonalds to stop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Bello was so excited to vote, he even bothered to find a hottie to pretend to be interested in for the duration of a photograph.

Good on you, Frolic Boy. Now breaktime’s over. I’ll have the #12, but with onion rings instead of fries. And a large Mr. Pibb.

HCwDB of the Week

This week’s selection of buffet-style schroad/hott involves classic douche/boob cohabit. As such, it’s a pretty tough choice. Here’s your noms:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Crayon Gary and Simona

C.G. is a perfect illustration of hottie/douchey dialectics.

As Marx explained in his inversion of Hegelian power structures, class and societal fracture, the circulation of douchebag meaning becomes amplified when in the presence of quality boobie suckle. The tainshmeg can only define itself by that which it shmegs its taint on.

And that tatt, real or not, is uberpud.

I’m working on a theory about the act of body marking, primitivity and the split in the psyche between the real and the virtual causing a need to reinscribe the body through marking.

But that lecture is for another time. Today is the Weekly. And Crayon Gary is punch worthy, while Simona asks me softly and in a lilting voice to massage her thigh muscles with chicken fat and a soft boiled egg.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Flex Luthor and Jennifer

Flex Luthor hatches his grand scheme to capture Boobiewoman!!

Okay, enough with the comic book riff. Cuz I was a Green Arrow fan, myself.

Flex Luthor brings classic roided up Jerzbaggery. And dammit, classic Jerz poo still rankles me, even if in the age of “Jersey Shore” it seems less mockworthy than it once did.

And lets not forget Flex and Jen’s Beefy #2.

Flex and Jen used to be that classic Jerz Douche / Hot Chick combo that fueled the site.

But in an age of ear and chest scarring, giant ear holes and Jed The Creepy Wankscrote, maybe we cannot un-see this next generation of douche.

And Jennifer is delightful purity drinkable leg water.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Melanie and the Suckerfish

Melanie rounds out the third of our three quality of H.C. sides of the hottie/douchey equation with curvy aplomb.

And by curvy aplomb, I mean, well, curvy aplomb.

I would pooch. And lick. And then tap dance.

The Suckerfish is an exploding head of douchewankery.

He deserves mock for the face. The hair. The shirt. And even by looking at a pic, we all know that his feet smell like gouda.

Together, they make poo.

(Dis)honorable mention to Militia Max, who, as Wheezer so rightly puts out, features Meghan from last June’s Kitchenbag. Meghan loves her Jerz Douche beefy. Also (dis)honorable mention to the KFC Scrotal Melt Sandwich and the hilariously clueless Crowdbag.

But them’s your three.

Now I turn to you. I want you. I need you. To pee on their rug. Which tied the room together.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchebags and Parking Lots: Like Jersey and Gum Snap

Proving that empty parking lots at 2am are the clarion call for all late night douchebags, I give you HCwDB legend DJ Bello.

Still out there. Still frolicking. Without women. In parking lots.

Normally we require both a Hot Chick and a Douchebag to be on the site. But for the hilarity of DJ Bello, we make an exception.

Your Saturday "What Would Douchey Party Guy Do?"

When Douchey Party Guy Meets Orange Trampy Hott at the raginest kegger since Kevin’s grandma died and he got that inheritance, what will Douchey Party Guy do?

1. Inquire as to the status of her evening.

2. Offer to acquire her a glass of quality Shiraz from the nearby kitchen/cooler/keg area.

3. Begin to discuss Marcel Proust and the shift in literature during late modernity.

4. Ask her to turn around so he can touch her ass.

Answer here.

Your Saturday “What Would Douchey Party Guy Do?”

When Douchey Party Guy Meets Orange Trampy Hott at the raginest kegger since Kevin’s grandma died and he got that inheritance, what will Douchey Party Guy do?

1. Inquire as to the status of her evening.

2. Offer to acquire her a glass of quality Shiraz from the nearby kitchen/cooler/keg area.

3. Begin to discuss Marcel Proust and the shift in literature during late modernity.

4. Ask her to turn around so he can touch her ass.

Answer here.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Yup.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

Some week we mock the ‘bags. And some weeks, the ‘bags mock us. And some weeks, even the hotties are douchey. And we all start drinking.

Here’s your Friday Links:

Where do you find Douchebag? Between bitch and ho.

Large Chicks with John Mayerbag.

Some days I like to contemplate the great Kantian shift in understanding subjectivity and the limitations of human consciousness. Other times I like to contemplate Kitty Boob.

Tanning beds might be addictive. In an unrelated story, so are tasty gummi bears.

Kumar gets mugged on the way to White Castle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Timmy Gaga. From the Disney iconography to the overweight confusion of overstimulated childhood, all that is wrong with America encapsulated in one YouTube clip.

Terminal Lance, a military inspired comic strip, mocks the doucheyness of Ed Hardy. Semper Fi, good Sirs!

In Denmark, there’s a bar shaped like a rectum. Where you go to get wrecked, um. I apologize for that last joke.

Band vs. Promoter. A story of life, love and the indie music scene. Totally epic.

Great video games Hall of Fame: 1987’s Police Quest. Where Helen Hots lived fast and died young.

Okay, enough of the random links that helps me relive childhood innocence (and I’m referring, of course, to the rectum bar). Here’s what you’ve been waiting for.

Here’s what you’ve earned.

Oil Pear.

Begin “change of fluid” jokes… now.

Go forth. Go forth and celebrate. Another day of living. Another day of life. And another day of pear.

The Gospel of Bro

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the pool party of Gesthemane at the Hard Rock, render onto Caesars Palace what is Caesar’s Palace, and render onto the Blonde what is genetic. And be sure to slip the host a Benjamin.”

— The Gospel of Bro, 4:20

Sparky Looks Hard

One of the surest signs of a douchebag is the gangsta glare.

Here we find Sparky, surrounded on all sides by partying Kappa Kappa Woo girls, and he’s pulling his best Clubber Lang.

Give it up Sparkster. “Frosted Tips” do not a gangsta make.

As to Brenda on the left, please don’t mind if I fondle your rhesus monkey. And by fondle your rhesus monkey, I mean fondle your rhesus monkey. No, it’s not a metaphor. C’mere, Mr. Bubbles.

Friday Haiku

Iowa Staters

Get deluxe hotel package

With Pineapple cups

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Butterface stripper

and Brad make kissy face while

Paul chows down on crabs.

— Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Paying by the hour

For both the room and the hott

Cheap love at light speed

— Bagnonymous

SEC staffers,

Bored with internet porn, hook

Up with Fannie Mae

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Star of Bleethlehem

Shines through the window in back

On manger of Douche.

— Boatbutter

pink lycra wrapped herp

blinded by list, Dave cares not

Steve makes a barf face

— Douche Springsteen

At the Motel 6,

they’ll keep the light on for ya.

I prefer it off.

— Wheezer