Hipsterbag Harold and Corrie
Hipsterbag Harold drives an ironic yellow VW Bug he named “Herbie.” He uses the built in flower holder to hold his cigarettes, which are always American Spirit.
Once, while crashing on a couch in San Francisco’s Mission District where he was attempting to get gigs with his hip-hop kletzmer band “The Gosselin Eight,” Hipsterbag Harold was hired to write an article for Details on the return of cotton. He did so. But told all his friends he made it all up just to stick it to the Man.
Corrie just got hired as the director of market research for a children’s clothing line. She loves her job, but all her friends say she works to much. So she forced herself to go out to more social events. She met Hipsterbag Harold at a screening of the mumblecore classic, “Lets All Sit Around and Talk About Sex At a Dinner Party.” It was 83 minutes long, but she was still bored.
After the film, Corrie spent four hours listening to Hipsterbag Harold’s theories on why Pacoima is the new Williamsburg. And then got awkwardly fumbled at 2am until she pushed Hipsterbag Harold off of her, went home and finished reading Infinite Jest. Which she thought was overrated.
Bunny Spandex Guy Voted
Bunny Spandex Guy wanted to come by and show off too much groin information to Ellen before they both voted in the HCwDB of the Month.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Month
Our first Monthly in the new redesign. Bring it. Lets do this. Four couples of hott/crudst. Only one may make the Yearly.
If you haven’t registered on the site yet, log in here. And read Steve L.’s instructions on how to set up your avatar image here.
Here’s your Monthly finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Jed the Creepy Wankscrote and Penny
We may not always enjoy the HCwDB couples we must witness.
This is one of those times.
Jed is pure creepy. And wank. And scrote.
Penny is barely legal, sweet and innocent.
Jed is the reason poets kill themselves.
Together, we find the toxicity of a Weekly HCwDB combination. The hint of a backstory that involves child brides in Bangledesh, robot wars in northern Sumeria, and a tatted up bounty hunter who definitely cannot make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsnips.
Yup.
It’s Monday morning. Your humble narrator is babbling like Hollywood babble on.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Joey Lipps and Tina
Classic Jerzwhack in presence of boobie suckle thigh are Joey L and Tina from Kappa Kappa Woo.
We celebrate this pic for its lips douchery.
It’s boobie curvery.
And it’s pink balloonery.
And lets not forget Nipple Rubbing Party Guy in the background. That touch of surreal WTF always elevates an HCwDB pic.
But does Joey and Tiny bring enough taint to win the Monthly? Is Joey yearly douche? Does Tina’s potential douchebaguettery detract from true toxicity?
The voters will need to parse the distinctions and flush the crapturdtions.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Meaty McMeaterson, aka Antonio and Vanessa
This was the Weekly in which there wasn’t a vote because your humble narrator was snagged in technical snafoolery.
That being said, Meaty McMeaterson, aka Antonio, and Vanessa, are worthy classic Jerz Pudwankery and curvy boob grabbery. They represent all that this site was formed to mock, and well earn their place here in the Monthly.
Vanessa is curvy gum snapping Long Island Iced Tea yes please. She’s wrong, but it’s okay. Because taut, taut thighs, and a societal double standard.
Boardwalks are to poo mugging as potato chips are to guys named Brian.
Inseparable.
And if you think the DB1 is making no sense in the text portion of this Monthly, you’d be right. I blame a late night involving a rowboat, my sax, and Bach.
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Freddie Von Gimp and Brenda
Our fourth coupling is a nice counterpoint to our Freakbag and Jerz Poo finalists. Here we find classic skeezy hipster crud macking on a delightful “I’d graze on her clavicle” gnaw boobie.
The dress-up douche is a newer and troubling element of choadal strategy. It aligns itself closer, but not exactly, with Hipsterbags, as the counterpoint to classic Jerz fistpumping wankfoolery.
I may have already mentioned my extensive infant-like gnawing and suckling on Brenda’s clavicle area.
If so, I apologize. I’ll only be another minute of gnaw.
Then I will retire to the boudoir where I will repose with a glass of sherry and a book on Tantric yogurt.
Yup. Definitely making no sense. That’s why I need your help.
Which coupling deserves its place in the Monthly, joining Stackhouse and Grillzilla in the Yearly?
Don’t just sit there. Vote something.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Douchebags Frolic in the Parking Lot #562
In the far off land of New Jersey, when the retirees are asleep and the construction sites have closed for the evening… the Jerzbags come out to frolic.
EDIT: Extra points for finding the DJ Bello cameo.
The Double Cross
In case Soft and Gnaw Worthy Alicia didn’t notice his phat Jesus Bling, Dan the M.C. and Part Time Night Mechanic at Al’s Garage on Jefferson figured the tatt would reinforce how much he loves his Jesus and Mary chain.
Your Saturday Douchegoggles
Like hipsterbags, Groin Shave Reveal, orange tans and the use of the expression, “I know, right?,” douchegoggles is another of the more troubling trends to emerge from scrotological development in 2010.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Another solid week of ‘bag taunting and female gender form admiring, props to all for the great and hilarious ‘bag hunter and huntress comments in the threads.
Your ambiguously alcoholic narrator finds himself pedantic and lugubrious on this sunny Angeles Friday. Although I’m not quite sure what pedantic nor lugubrious means. Which might explain only get a 600 verbal on the SATs. Stupid SATs. If Laurie Glatzer hadn’t sat in front of me showing 3/4″ ass crack, I would’ve gotten at least a 620.
I await and away with baited respiration and expectant lasciviousness for a season 3 pickup for my TV show. But wait, I must. For the powers that be consider and consider.
So I muse on what mathematician Fermat once described as “The Holy Boobie Curve Ratio:” The perfect ratio between texture, bounce, firmness and distance to belly button. Or, as Fermat theorized: 3.1415gnaw.
That’s all the math you really need to know to explain how the Egyptians built the pyramids.
Here’s your links:
HCwDB parking lot frolicker and hat tilt extraordinaire, the douchey Bobby Batz is still out there. Still ritalin enhanced. And don’t forget Bobby’s Shoutout to all the Haters out there.
Dolphin Beach Tan has the perfect logo for irony even Alanis Morisette could understand.
Speaking of douchey tanning: Sunblast Mobile Tanning. For when you’re too lazy to even get up off your ass and seek out a choady glow, the douchexperts come to you.
The Tralfamadorians, with their crazy alien language, love HCwDB. At least as far as I can tell.
Bert Blyleven would like another take.
Okay. You’ve been waiting for it. Today we go with abstract expeartionism.
What? Not enough?
Okay, have some Cityscape Pear.
Go forth und mock die douchen. So sayeth your narrator in his best German accent.
Joey Invents Twitter Glasses
Sunglasses that scroll your latest Twitter post on them? Genius!
So the robot turns into a bug!
Yeah, I got nothin’.
It’s Friday.
But Kendra’s lithe and supple firmaments do make me want to lead hiking expeditions in search of dubloons in the Scottish highlands to finance a winery, to learn Latin and Sanskrit so that I can train myself in the recitation of the verses of ancient poetry,and then spank her supple thighs with a leather prong while reciting the lyrics to Prince’s “Darling Nikki.”
Hannah and the Double Frostys
While I was busy building a shrine out of Albanian driftwood and sun burnt Tsitsi clay to worship Hannah’s kneecaps, Hannah seems to have wandered off and found herself in a double Frosty metro trainwreck.
Do I have an unhealthy fixation on ambiguously Semitic pixie eastern European blue eyed doe brunettes?
Why, yes. Yes I do. And I blame the Mila Kunis.
Friday Haiku
Spikey Blowout Ken,
Blasts wind into Simone’s face,
Hark! Too many beans.
Allergy season:
Claritin and Goose don’t mix;
danger for poor bleeths.
– Wheezer
Fungus from Ken’s head
Simone recoils in horror
From leaping head lice
– Vin Douchal
Ken mugs Bleeth Susie
while releasing Ass Kraken
to destroy Simone.
– Mr. White
The toothy eels in
Kim’s nostrils are making plans
to eat douche and bleeth.
– Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche
Axe sun tan lotion
Blatant, culture erosion
Implant explosion
– Anonymous
Ditzy young white girl,
Succumbs to sudden seizure
Just like Fred Sanford.
– scrotum pole
Oh poor sweet Simone.
Safer to stand behind horse.
Wisely shields boobies.
-Amerigo Vesdouchey
Drugs from left to right:
Cocaine, good marijuana
And lemon ball-sack
— saulgoode42
Kurt and Jen signal
“Two if by Pee”. Drunken Bleeth
should find a raincoat.
– Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
