The T.S.A.’s New “Shocker Enforcement Policy”
Don’t worry, it only applies to Bleeths in leopard print bathing suits and tools in rayon pants.
This whole scene reeks of wannabe gangsta throwing Eurotrash flush. Lets move on.
The Limeys
Julie may not be impressed by Crazy Eyes Arthur’s matching lime green shorts + headband.
But Generic Dave is.
Neither, however, have read the third line of Arthur’s stomach poetry, found below the proverbial “equator.” It reads: “Parted We Pube.”
Willie and Karen Defy Physics at the Office Party
A six pack of Snausages
to the first poster who can explain to me, using the Hugh Everett Many World Theory of physics, exactly how this image is transpiring according to the known laws of thermodynamics.
A twelve pack of Snausages to anyone who can get Karen’s shy bestie, Mandy, to try tequila for the first time, and then let me fondle her coaster with a feather duster while she’s distracted when the DJ plays “I Gotta Feeling” for the eighteenth time.
Kettlehead is Not Impressed by the HCwDB of the Week
HCwDB’s 2009 non-legend The Kettlehead, whose singular eyebrow and propensity to wear strange headgear to impress the ladies, and occasional ability to go The Full Khan, is still out there.
Still arching his singular douchebrow.
Okay, I’m not even 100% convinced this is Kettlehead. But singular arch eyebrow and zebra-striped flattop for the collective mock.
And is that Mister Liptatt’s Hall of Hott winning Holly? I don’t think so, but I’ll need to stare lustily for an hour in an awkward and potentially pathological way anyway.
Speaking of Kettlehead eyebrow, an eagle-eyed reader noted that, amidst the chaos in the tragic Norway bombing over the weekend, at least one douchebag made sure to call his bros to let them know he was okay.
As Primo Levi once wrote, “Even in tragedy, we can find douchebags to mock.”
HCwDB of the Week: The Broctopus and Party Girl Melinda
Last week saw us traverse the superdoucheroic pathways from Superpud to Spider Tool. We had Loafheads and Gorgeous Nicole costing DJ Suckacrack a shot at the Weekly due to Duckface Violation #45.
We had a debates about Hall of Hott Inductees as well as Tattoo Autobaggery.
But for classic ab-douchery in a bar with bemused hot chickery, nothing came close to the Broctopus and Melinda. And then the Broctopus put on Nerd Glasses and it got even more stupid.
For stupid hair, stupid face and all around Constitution violating pukebaggery in presence of slutty bar hott, while Kevin just wants to order a Corona Light, the Broctopus and Melinda are our winners (losers).
Chalk up their lameness for the next Monthly.
And your humble narrator for a second bowl of Frosted Flakes and Kenya AA Keurig-style. Because that’s how I roll.
The Douchebag Anthem
Of the many, many satirical douchebag videos “inspired” by HCwDB that have passed through YouTube over the years, beating the joke into the ground like Nanook hunting for seals, this is one of the better ones, if far too long. Props for the Perez dig.
HCwDB Comment of the Week: Ich verstehe sie ist heiß
Newbie comments thread participant (or are they?) Ich verstehe sie ist heiß wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week with this snarky quip in yesterday’s tattoo discussion thread:
——
Nothing says “I am expressing my individuality, my creativity, and uniqueness” quite like walking into one of the 10,000 tattoo shops downtown, choosing design #31417 from the book on the counter, and having an Air Conditioning & Heating school dropout inject your skin with ink and hepatitis C.
——
Arcerbic and slicing, nicely played, Mr. Heiß.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Remember that game you always wanted to play with a girl in 8th grade but never have the courage to actually try on? You know, “Tune in Tokyo”?
Yup.
This is the douchal version of that game.
But it’s nice to see Jonathan Silverman and Sarah Jessica Parker found work back in the 80s. And I’m referring to the photo, not the linked clip.
As to our hallowed Hall of Hott, it was a tough crowd and a split vote, with only the lovely Arielle gaining entrance. Sorry ladies. Maybe next time.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “You know, I could lay a big line on you and we could do a lot of role-playing, but the simple truth is, is that I find you very interesting and I’d really like to make love to you.”
Donkey Douche: Still in Jail. Eye Color still “BRO”
Speaking of bros, Bro seeks Bros for Manhood Camping. Possibly to oil up each other pecs and then grind to Right Said Fred. No homo.
And speaking of bros seeking bros, HCwDB legend Cro ‘Bagnon needs a date. “Eggs whites, Protein shakes, Jack Daniels” ladies. C’mon now, can you resist?
Russian Girls want to date you, yes?
Yet more from the Rebecca Black school of untalented viral despiration: Some Annoying Chick Raps
Best Cry Ever. Finally, a use for autotune.
Texas Scrotesackery: The Hillbilly Music Video.
Summer’s Eve new ad campaign involves talking vagina hands.
Speaking of T.V. ads, let us never forget far and away the greatest ad of the past twenty years: “You tell ’em, Johnny! You tell the world.”
Nicholas Cage’s son is something something.
Remember Swatches in the 80s? Today’s kids’ watches are far more scroatier.
Holy Mackeral! It’s:
A bit meaty for your Friday, perhaps. But well inspiring as we sail onward until dawn.
EDIT: For those objecting to the real world meaty meat fishing pear, your cries for more Pear have been heard. Enjoy:
It’s Gehry by way of Crumb.
Are Tatts Inherently Douchey? The Debate Continues
Fired up by Wednesday’s discussion of whether sleeve tatts are autodouche, an exellent Talmudic debate engaging higher scrotological metaphysical considerations, I thought I’d post Andy and Andrea.
Andrea, of course, is standard issue midwest hard-ass and slightly terrifying wafer milf. An annoying accent and probably terrible in bed, but of the ladies who participate in the Church of the Slutty Mary’s annual bakesale, she’s the way hottest of the bunch.
But Andy?
Andy’s not so much a douche at all. Except for some undies poke, which may be incidental, he really doesn’t deserve mock. That being said, tribal shoulder tatt does equal douche. So is Andy a ‘bag?
Of the pics that I post on HCwDB, I reject dozens a day, and many of them are average bro/shmoes like Andy. So I’m still forced to conclude that most tatts, with the exception of annoying tribal inscriptions and Mayan and Chinese lettering and symbols on people who are neither Mayan nor Chinese (Mayan Eye of Coitus exempted), are not, in and of themselves auto-‘bag markers.
But, as with pigeons and poo, tatts are far more likely to be found hanging in the area of major scrotological behaviors.
So lets mark tatts as warning signs. They might not mark douche on their own. But they’re a likely entrance drug to a larger choadal world.
With a significant caveat: There is a growing catalog of tatts that do, in fact, mark autodouche simply based on the garishness and stupidity of their existence.
Friday Haiku
His pink dong-sling-bling:
So horrific, his asshole
Flees to beige hut’s wall
Doug’s feeling clever;
Stashed keys, phones & her tampons
Inside his foreskin!
Tube socks in g-string
don’t make up for your bird chest
and leathery skin
— idfma
Takes a lot of crew
Behind the scenes to film a
Bang Bus episode
— Vin Douchal
She likes it in thick.
He thinks she’s too loose. Fleshlight
In pants solves problem.
— The Reverend Chad Kroeger
