Where’s Waldouche?: Party Nerd Edition
Somewhere in this pleasing party pack lineup of exotic hotts mixed with Jerzette, who just really needed a night of the girls cutting loose together, I’ve carefully hidden a well crafted Vegas Party Nerdbag.
However, there can be only one Eddie Deezen.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
The Inflatabags Voted
T
he Inflatabags and their tasty Vegas Hotts they ordered from room service wanted to take time off from their tenure track Physics professorships, stop oiling themselves up and step out of their overpriced Cabana to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you voted yet?
HCwDB of the Week
You know what to do. Bring it. Have some. French fries.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Kleenex Wiper and Nicola
And lets not forget pic #2 of Mr. Kleenballs and his resident party hottie and Kleencrotch #3. In fact, rumor has it Woody Woodpanel is also a member of the Kleenex Wipe.
I actually ran the nomination pic of Mr. Klint with a Vegas Ass Kicker email, but the more I stare at the rank cesspoolery of Mr. Kleenex, and the tasty hottitude of Nicola, the more I realize they’se quality monthly commingle.
Not to mention, this gives us a chance to vote our Canadian Douchal Neighbors from Toronto into the Monthly. But that’s if they win. Up next:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Golden ‘Bagger
While The Golden ‘Bagger is classic Vegas pustcrack, his pic is pulled down by the Bleethy level of not so pure Patricia. Sure she’s curvy. But she’s tatty and gumsnappy and feels just perfectly right for the G.B.
Proper hottie/douchey dialectic, is, of course, found in the wrongness of comingling. And this pairing just feels right.
Then again, he’s a cankerclown, and she can perhaps be saved. By my tosies lick.
So they’se makin the weekly.
But enough to win the weekly? It’s certainly possible.
However, there’s one more nom:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Benny Wah and the Alt Hotts
I once hit “alt hott delete” on my old P.C. It sent me back in time. And then gave me a backrub.
Computer humor is so in these days, what with “The Social Inception Network” coming out to tell us the history of Freudbook and the subconscious put online. Or something.
Yup, I’msa babble.
I blame the New York coffee.
So’s why’d I run Benny Wah? For one thing, we need to start mocking more hipsterbags. Especially orange ones with stupid necklaces and scraggle indie fungface. And two, I loves me some coquettish alt hotts.
I think this pic has a legit shot if it can split the traditional vote. We shall see.
(Dis)honorable mention to a quality run of hotts last week, including Eastern Promisesbag Gets Lucky, Joey Rat Tail and the uberhott blondes in The Friday Haiku, the lineup of perky boobage in Groin Fung Reveal, and the Bleethy but perfect boobies of Long Island Pitstop.
However, them’s your three. And your only three.
Which coupling deserves our next slot in the next Monthly?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Tool Time with Timmy and Kevin
Watch for the very slick and patented “douchebag double switch” move at :49 seconds.
EDIT: and for those needing a little hott to counterbalance the choadlings, here’s greased up Yasmine Bleeth making out with Johnny Rico.
Ask DB1: The Halloween Exemption
—–
DB1,
I’m normally a pretty conservative guy when I go out in the evenings, e.g. sport-shirts, blazers, dark jeans. But once a year I kind of let the douchebag flag fly.
That night is of course, Halloween.
Last year I was Zapp Brannigan (from Futurama), this year I plan on being Ivan Drago (from Rocky IV).
Generally, I think that guys who take their shirts off in any situation other than the comfort of their own home or in proximity to the beach or pool are raging douchebags. Yet here I am, planning to party in and around Los Angeles, shirtless, come the end of October. Is there an exception for Halloween?
Can one dress in a way that would be ostensibly douchy any other time of the year on Halloween and not be an utter pud?
-Freddy
—–
Absolutely, Freddy. Halloween is the one time a year I grant a full and complete nottadouche for all those ‘bagging it up as a form of satire and/or mock. Since hotties are allowed to slut it up with the same degree of shamelessness (and may Vishnu bless the sexy nurse outfit), it is a time of universal awareness of the tropes of performativity, and thus free from ‘bag status.
The last few years we’ve seen an incredible array of HCwDB Halloween inspired costumes in 2009 and also an amazing collection from 2008.
Sadly, those cherished past years of the HCwDB exclusivity on ‘bag mocking is gone. With the ubiquitous cultural success of The Jersey Shore, mocking ‘bags has become far less creative and engaging, and far more a mass produced, blandified and less creative cultural echo. That being said, mocking choads, whether by us or the larger culture, is always a welcome development overall. Still, this year’s Halloween won’t be as exclusive to the HCwDB community’s creative talents as in years past, alas.
Friday Thoughts and Links
Ah, yes, the energetic power Prius electric vegan combo of alt girls and hipsterbags.
Girls with strange hair dyes and dudes wearing giant wooden necklaces.
They fuel our society like so many online ‘zines and indie bands begging you to iTunes their two minute autotune synth masterpiece so they can finally open for the band opening for Vampire Weekend at that Portland show the drummer’s older brother totally has a connection with.
Because it’s a dream come true, man.
Someday, we’ll all get signed to that label in the sky.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB DVD pick of the week: “Let me go, Barney!”
Maxim Online totally comes up with a hilarious article on douchebag mocking techniques totally on its own through sheer creative writing genius, totally!. Remember kids, if you edit a major magazine and see something funny written on the internets, it’s freeeee to copy!
Las Vegas is now killing tourists with death rays. Say hello to Vegas Ass Kicker’s mom for me.
A reader notes that Alex Trebek’s Jeopardy! stays hip with the kids.
Uniquely American douchebag Spencer Pratt promotes his new movie: Malibu 69 or something. (I only made it 10 seconds, and then I castrated a baby seal).
On Ebay, you can bid on a ‘bag lunch.
This week in HCwDB History: In the mid 19th Century in England, douchebags were called Macaronis. Thus the line from Yankee Doodle Dandy “stuck a feather in his cap and called it Macaroni,” was a mocking English reference to how ignorant Americans were when they tried to, literally, peacock it up for the ladies. See? It all ties together.
Ed Hardy Motorcycle helmets. For when you want your counterculture rebellion mass produced and on sale at a discount online website.
The great Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon riff hilariously on feminine hygene products in 1974.
Bollywood officially pwns Hollywood with the greatest trailer of the year.
Ladies and gentlemen, Young Christopher Walken says everything there is to say.
So from Young Christopher Walken saying everything, there is nothing left to say. We leave the linguistic realm and we go straight to the Pavlovian response:
And:
Go forth. Chase a fleeing Pear. Flee a chasing bear. But, most importantly, celebrate our God given right to alcoholic inebriation. For the Weekend is upon.
More Responses to Toronto’s Kleenex Mafia
Toronto’s douchal infection has provoked much debate on HCwDB and many emails. Reader L.L. writes in with another perspective:
————
Hey there,
I live in Toronto and know the kleenex douches. One thing you need to emphasize about these guys is that they in fact are not from Toronto or Canada at all. They are actually New Yorkers who brought their douche-dom north of the border.
So please don’t blame Canada. They are not our product.
— L.L.
—–
The city that allows poobaggery to flourish is indeed responsible for their flourishment, L.L. Toronto is not exempt for contributing to the amplification of douchebags like Mark and Sergio. hitting on quality Canadian munchable hoser hotts.
Eastern Promises Extrabag Gets Lucky
Continuing our Russian theme, let us celebrate the success of Sergei.
Only $2,300.00 (including tip) and you, too, can rule a Las Vegas VIP lounge for between 1.5-2 hours on a Tuesday.
Friday Haiku
Rat Tail Joey tries
to booty bump Kelly, but
goggles do nothing.
Nu Poo frat mixer
sees paid-to-pose hotts luring
new plebes for spankings.
— Wheezer
Goggle boy could not
Decide between bed-head look
Or dreadlocks. Tried both.
— The Goob the Bag and the Pudly
Nineties Oakley Blades
Rest on hair extension mop
Get me the scissors
— Battlescrote Gallactica
It takes a real choad
To make spike hair taint seem like
Acceptable choice
— Deltus
Douche has cords on neck
Surely one could be used to
hang? Or use pigtails.
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
Lost in sea of poo
Is dynamite hott in pink
Begging for rescue
— DoucheyWallnuts
Checking WebMD,
That photo makes my eyes itch.
Yup, I have face crabs.
— Blair
Mams o’marshmallow
Need milk chocolate, grahm crackers,
And my schlong betwixt.
-Amerigo Vesdouchey
Woody Woodpanel
Woody Woodpanel knows how to multitask.
Cell phone call + hand gesture = stone cold badass.
And by stone cold badass, I mean chestshave revealing ass gargle.
Carole and Rachel think of ways to excuse themselves. But since they haven’t put the lotion in the basket, they must remain.
